Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A/N: This is a Christmas present for Simple-Minded Idiot because she's awesome and stuff. My writing has improved greatly thanks to her (but that's a secret.)


Love is a war zone, Sasuke should know. He has already lost many battles and has made a list of things he should remember when at war. He intends to learn from his mistakes.

- - - - -

-One-

Your former ally might suddenly turn into your worst enemy and all hell will break loose.

- - - - -

The first observation Sasuke makes, is that his dick is gay. Very gay, in fact, it is so gay that Sasuke's asexual mind doesn't understand it and his heterosexual principles can't accept it.

Sasuke needs to breed but -for the love of everything holy- his traitorous cock twitches in response only when Sasuke's eyes send it signals that a delicious blond is around. Naruto to be more exact.

And Sasuke tries to resist. He tries denial, ignorance, betrayal and other tricks of the trade but no, the gay-feelings remain. Sasuke wants Naruto more than anything.

- - - - -

-Two-

You should treat the one you are pursuing also as an enemy.

- - - - -

Surely, courting Naruto can't be that hard. Because Naruto loves very much and Sasuke knows he is already very high on Naruto's list of loved ones.

But Sasuke doesn't know if Naruto holds any man-feelings towards men in general. That doesn't discourage him though. He'd just have to be sneaky and slowly make Naruto unconsciously want and yearn for him. Seduce his best friend

Now, if only Naruto'd stop doing those little things that make Sasuke want to jump him this instant. It's like Naruto is seducing right back.

- - - - -

-Three-

Every means are allowed in love and war.

- - - - -

"Really!? You'll treat me ramen?"

Ka-ching! Naruto is like pudding in his hands. Oh, look, there's ramen on his face, ready to be licked away. It takes a healthy amount of self-control to keep himself from licking his to-be uke.

"You want me to go to the hot springs with you?"

Oh, all that naked skin is too much for his gay eyes! And Naruto keeps purring approvingly and flashing from now and then. All the blood his nose is emitting makes the water redder by the minute.

"Sasuke! Wanna play twister with me?"

And Sasuke finds it absolutely ridiculous how Naruto's bum is constantly rubbing against his groin while they are playing. And Sasuke couldn't stop wondering how on earth did Naruto not mention the hardness of his cock but just kept moaning because, Sasuke dared to assume, of the difficult postures the game makes them be in.

"So, you wanna come to my place, teme?"

- - - - -

-Four-

You should never underestimate your enemy.

- - - - -

The instant Naruto closes the door behind them, his whole I'm-a-dense-uke-seducing-you-without-really-noticing-it façade drops, and Sasuke's eyes widen as he is pinned against the wall.

"Let's drop this seducing game and just fuck."

And Sasuke would have been happy to agree if it weren't him pressed against the wall while Naruto was ravishing his mouth, his hands wandering around his body, caressing just the right spots that made him squirm and moan and –oh, the shame!

Sasuke felt very tricked and betrayed, because it was so unfair that Naruto would turn out to be a seme in uke's clothing. Very, very unfair indeed, although his traitorous cock didn't mind the unfortunate turn of events because finally it was getting laid.

So yeah, pride be damned, as long as it kept feeling this good to be grinded against and kissed all over. Naruto even sends a shadow clone to get lube from the bathroom, so there isn't a moment without touch between them.

It's disturbing though, the clone doesn't disappear after giving Naruto the lube, but keeps on staring at them. Naruto notices this also.

"What?"

"I want a piece of that ass too..."

- - - - -

-Five-

Dealing with the aftermath of the war is not as fun as the war itself.

- - - - -

Sasuke doesn't remember much of the night before when he wakes up the next morning. His conclusion is that being sandwiched between two Naruto's must've been mind-blowing.

The real Naruto is still sleeping beside him and has wrapped Sasuke in a very tight hold and Sasuke feels very owned. More owned than he had originally planned to make Naruto feel.

Naruto wakes up too. Sasuke absolutely refuses to cuddle and insists he has to go home to prepare for… training. Naruto nods in understanding and watches amusedly as Sasuke limps away while cursing.

During the next few days, Sasuke can't help but realize that he's being teased a lot.

"Uchiha is gaaaaay!"

Kiba needs to be castrated.

"You can't do this to us, Sasuke!"

The girls that are his fans had to be silenced.

"To think the Uchiha would bottom, I didn't see that coming."

He doesn't need Shikamaru's opinions, even though he agrees with the Nara.

And Sasuke keeps on wondering why Naruto doesn't get his share of the commotion about their now very public relationship.

"As if we'd dare to give lip to the guy who made Uchiha Sasuke his bitch."

Everyone nods in agreement and run away when Sasuke's eyes turn red and his body starts to produce electricity.

Naruto may have won the war, but Sasuke would start another and this time make sure he knew enough to win the damn thing.


-END-

Poor Sasuke, he will never win, hah! XD

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