Have Yourself A Tipsy Little Christmas (SS'07 Fic: Rachel)

A/N: Written for Divine Intervention's Holiday Ficstravaganza '07 Secret Santa Challenge – season 7, rated R, tipsy, for Rachel.

A/N2: I am posting early because I'm going to be away from computers for a few days.

A/N3: I want to thank VisionGirl and Rachel, I had a lot of fun writing this story, maybe even a little too much – it's easily the longest short story I've ever written.

A/N4: To answer the question that is on the minds of everyone that knows I'm in a wrist splint right now – I talked a friend into typing it for me.

Disclaimer: Smallville and all related elements, characters and indicia © Tollin-Robbins Productions and Warner Bros. Television, 2002. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations—except those created by the author—are copyright Tollin-Robbins Productions and Warner Bros. Television. Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster.

Have Yourself A Tipsy Little Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Not even a mouse

The stockings were hung

By the chimney with care

In hopes that his mother

Soon would be there…


The day's light was dwindling as Clark Kent sat at the kitchen table in his farm house. His attention was riveted on a six inch, flat, square, lead box.

Once again he flicked a corner and watched the box spin. Exactly like he had been doing for the last hour, ever since his mother had called to let him know that she was stuck in DC…


His Mom was going to miss Christmas. Kara was off exploring the planet. Lana was… …not with him. And Chloe was working in Metropolis.

The farm house had never looked so empty.

The farm house had never been so empty.

The farm house had never felt so empty.

he was alone.


…Christmas this year was going to suck. A refrigerator and freezer full of the food his mother had been preparing every trip home for months, in anticipation of Christmas, only darkened his mood.

He was almost at the breaking point - thus the box spinning.

The box contained a gift from his late girl friend, Alicia Baker. She had used it to bring out his wild side. He had kept it because the freedom he felt when under its influence was intoxicating.

As he watched the box spin, he wondered if putting the Red-K necklace on would be worth it.

When his cell phone beeped that he had a text message, he ignored it exactly like he had all afternoon. Shortly after 1:30, he began receiving a text message four times an hour from his arch nemesis, Lois Lane. Each message had been meaningless and always ended with one of, or a variation of, her monikers for him.

Feeling the annoyance only she could give, he missed on his next flick of the box and over compensated sending the box sailing through one of the middle panes of the back door.

He spent the next 7.3 seconds replacing the pane.


His dinner dishes had just been dried when the house phone rang:

"Kent residence…"

"…Hi Chloe…"

"…Lois has sent me a hundred text messages this afternoon…"

"…Not much of an exaggeration…"

"…I'd drink too if I found out I had been dating a long lost Luthor…"

"…Shouldn't a close friend or family member do that?…"

"…Yeah, but we don't admit it…"

"…Mutual agreement…"

"…It works for us…"



"…I'd rather be alone…"

"…Yes, I would…"





"…Tell you what, I'll check on her…"


"…I'll make sure she's OK, but that's it…"

"…No, I'm going to drive…"

"…I need to buy some diesel for the generator…"

"…And running on snow…"

"…Odd tracks are hard to explain, especially when they lead to your front door…"

"…You'll be here tomorrow?…"

"…Don't even say that…"

"…Sure, Chloe…"

"…I'll call you later."


Clark stood at the top of the stairs, in front of Lois' door, listening to the near deserted Talon. The tops of his shoes were of sudden interest to him as he tried to think of a reason to break his promise to his best friend, Chloe Sullivan. With resignation he stepped to the door and knocked. A little too quickly an obviously tipsy Lois Lane threw open the door, clad in only her white terry cloth robe.

"Hiii, Pharm Bouy. Sorrry, ain't got no plaid here."

"Lois, you're sloshed."

"Ah don't slosh, ah'm firm!" She slurred as she opened her robe, showing him the lacy blue bra and thong set that was accenting her curvaceous and obviously firm figure.

He stepped forward and forced her robe closed. "Lois, you can't flash the Talon!"

It was well within his expectations for her to yell and berate him, what he didn't expect was for her to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him, begging with her tongue for access to his mouth.

"No!" He said sternly as he pushed her to arms length, "Lois, what are you doing?"

She huffed, "Yoo don't wanna kish, don't shtand unner mistletoe!"

With a quick glance upward, he started to move out from under the offending sprig.

"Hold up, Buster Plaid!" She stopped him with both hands to his chest. "Kish me, oar I'll shcream and run into the Talon wifth out mah robe."

"You wouldn't…" He started, and then he saw her do something very unLois-like; pout.

Once again he felt defeated, so he leaned over and chastely kissed her on the lips. Being Lois Lane though, she wrapped her arms around his neck and extended it. Just as he was starting to see stars, she broke the kiss and stepped back.

"Why doeshn't anyone love me?" She pouted.

"Chloe loves you very much…"

"NO! Ah mean ah man." She threw off her robe, "Ahin't ah pretty 'nuff?"

Before he could answer, she turned away and pulled her thong tight. "Doo yoo shee any chottage cheese?"


"Chottage cheese, dhimples, yoo know cell-u-lite."

"No, Lois… no cellulite."

She looked over her shoulder and frowned, "Yoo chan't shee from over there. Get closer!" As he approached, she further chided, "Shmallville, you haveta get down lower to shee!"

Reluctantly, he squatted behind her and just couldn't bring himself to examine her derriere.

With a snort, she bent over double and looked up at him from between her calves. "Ahm ah sho hideous that yoo chan't even look?"

Surprised, he looked down at her, then glanced at her rear "No, Lois, you look great."

"Ahny cheese?"

"No cheese, Lois, very smooth."

"Ahn firm?"

"And firm."

"Ahm ah pretty?"

"Yes, Lois, you're very pretty."

"Ahm ah booteful?"

"Yes, Lois, you're beautiful."

"Ahm ah desirable?"

"Yes, Lois, you're…" He stopped and looked at the mirth in her eyes, "You're… I'm going over there." With ease, he quickly stood and crossed to the couch.

She laughed when he sat and crossed his arms. Still smiling, she arched her back as she stood and walked into the kitchen. "Wanna drinkie, Clarkie?"

"Just water." He answered after fighting down the rancor of that particular nickname.

Lois weaved back to him and dropped a bottle of water onto his lap.

As he picked it up, trying to not look at the tantalizing blue 'Y' that was so close, she straddled his lap.

"Lois! What are you doing?"

"Wanna talk."

"While sitting on my lap?"

She gave a little wiggle, "Ish komfy…"

Clark squeezed his eyes shut in a vain attempt to control his physiological reaction.

Lois gave another wiggle, "Sheems ah'm not the only one. Hiii, Juhnior…" She purred as she leaned forward, setting her beer on the table behind the couch and pressing Clark's face into her cleavage. "…Wanna play?"

She jumped when he placed his cold water bottle against her lower back and landed exactly where she had left. "Yeash! Khinkie!" came out as a growl.

"Lois!" he spat out as he grabbed her by the waist and lifted her off of his lap, "Don't do that!"

"Ish bad?"

"Yes, Lois, it's bad."

"Ahm bad."


"Ahm bad an ah need shpankin!"

"No, Lois…" he started, but it was too late – she had thrown herself across his lap and perked up her butt.

"Shpank me, Shmallville!"

"No, Lois…"

"Ah been bad, ah need a shpankin!"

"Stop it, Lois, you don't…" he stopped when she rose up on her arms and looked at him with a pout.

"Yoo not gonna shpank me?"


She actually had a hurt look on her face as she turned her head away and with her far arm reached back and started spanking her far ass cheek. When that cheek had a nice rosy glow to it, she turned around to face Clark, and with her near arm started spanking her near ass cheek.

Clark just sat there, confused. His mind was a whirl with a mixture of excitement and revulsion at Lois' abasing of herself; her body was exciting to look at and the jiggles her actions created sent tremors of excitement through him. Finally, his heart won out and he grabbed her wrist. "Stop!"

"Wanna finish yourself?" she asked looking at him with big sad eyes.

He forced her to sit back on the couch as he stood and turned away. Concentration was always difficult when she was in sight, and with so much of her exposed it was damned near impossible. If he left her alone there was no telling how much trouble she would get into. She could injure herself, or, he didn't want to think about her picking up a man…

"Lois?" he asked, inspired. "Chloe is coming to the farm tomorrow, why don't you pack a bag and come out for a couple of days?"


"I've got a couple of new flannel shirts you haven't criticized yet..."

He could tell she was weakening, so he threw in the kicker, "…My new work coat is plaid."

She arose on unsteady feet, "Yoo make life soo difficult, Shmallville!"


The truck turned over easily, and Clark sat inside, with his eyes closed and his ears open, confirming a suspicion…

"…I'll see you tomorrow, Cuz."

"You know all you had to do was ask him."

"What fun would that have been?"

"What did you do?"

"Put on the drunken sex kitten act."


"Don't tell me you've never tried it?"

"Once, it didn't work. But you didn't have to use it."

"I may not have had to use it, but it was fun. When I see you I'll give you some pointers on what to wear, or more importantly, what not to wear."

"Lois, what did you do?"

"I just made sure he won't be thinking about Lana for a while."


"Relax, Cuz, he's still a good boy."

"One of these days, Lois, you're going to realize that he's a grown man."

"That'll be the day."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"It hasn't been that long since Grant…"

"I'll be fine, Chloe. That's just another reason to take the Luthors down."

"You're sure…?"

"Chloe… Just let me mess with, Farm Boy's head… Everything's good."

"OK, Cuz. Have a good night."

"You too."


The drive to the farm had been relatively quiet; it was too cold for Lois to purr more than a few drunken suggestions his way – mostly about sleeping arrangements…


Lois stood in his room confused. Clark had acted sullen most of the drive home and had set her up in his bedroom with out a word.

Well, she was ready for round two. She had on her big fluffy socks, her sleep pants, and one of Clark's new flannel shirts – she knew this would piss him off.

Lastly, she reached into her bag and pulled out an unopened package of fishnet stockings. She ripped open the package and pulled one stocking out. A smile crossed her face as she anticipated the blush Clark would have when she told him to hang her stocking from the mantel.

She remembered to act a little tipsy when she walked down the stairs, all the while wondering why the lights were dimmed. When she reached the bottom step she could see Clark tending the now roaring fire – shirtless.

Uncertainty and desire clouded her thoughts… Then she pushed forward, "Nich fire, Shmallville." She drunkenly slurred.

When he turned to her, she thought she could see the red of the fire reflected in his eyes. The he smiled at her in an almost predatory fashion.

"Hello, Lois." His voice was deep and sure of itself; not the way she was used to him addressing her.

She swallowed deeply and handed him her stocking, "It'sh to hang by the fire."

With a smile he took it and examined it with his hands, "Can we swap?" He leered into her eyes, "Because I know…" He said throatily, allowing his leer to slowly work its way down her body, "…exactly what I want to see filling this stocking."

'What is with, Smallville?' She asked herself as he stepped forward and fingered her collar; then he ripped open the shirt sending buttons across the room.

"You look better in blue lace than flannel."

"Knock it off, Smallville!" She said as she took a step back and tripped over the coffee table, landing on the couch.

He was at her side before she knew it, "Are you OK, beautiful?"

"Yes…" she started, "…What did you call me?"

He ignored her question, "I was very rude to you earlier."

"Of course you were." She smirked with the Lois Lane confidence, "About what?"

"I didn't answer you – You are very desirable."


"You have an…" His eyes wandered down her face to her throat and into the wide, deep inverted "V" of the open flannel shirt. "…exceptional body."

She started to scramble away from him. Even when he grabbed the cuffs of her sleep pants she kept going until she had the end table between them.

"I was wrong." He said, leering at her now bare legs. "With legs like those, you don't need the fish nets."

"Are you drunk?"

He smirked, "Only on you." Came his reply as he started toward her.

"Stay back, Smallville." She ordered as she moved to keep the couch between them.

"Come on, Lois…" he cooed encouragingly, "…Let's show this fire what real heat is."

Lois kept circling the couch, increasing her pace in her effort to keep Clark at bay. "Clark! Whatever you took, whatever you're on, I'll help you get off of it."

"I'm not 'on' anything, Lois. But I am trying…" He laughed as he reversed field and reached for her.

She ducked his arm and jumped over a stray present, circled the Christmas tree, ran through the kitchen, and out the back door.

As fast as her socked clad feet could take her, across the snow covered yard, she sprinted toward the barn door; only to have Clark beat her there. Coming to a quick stop, her feet slid out from under her and she had to scramble to keep him from getting her.

Back on her feet, she ran to the trees beside the farm house; where there was no snow on the ground. She ducked limbs and twisted around trunks, getting deeper into the copse when suddenly Clark stepped in front of her and she ran straight into him!

She couldn't help but to notice the abnormal heat emanating from his body. Just as she couldn't stop him from circling her bare waist with his left arm as his right hand caught her behind the neck, holding her flush to him as his head lowered and he captured her lips with his.

The kiss seemed to pour his heat into her. At first she worried that whatever had infected him was infecting her. Then she wondered if she hadn't pushed Clark too far. Finally, she was just confused by the feelings and images that had taken over her brain.

Still, when he broke the kiss, she slapped him.

"What was that for?"

"You didn't have permission!"

"Yoo don't wanna kish, don't shtand unner mistletoe." He quoted her own words back to her as he looked up.

"That's cold, Smallville." She replied as she followed his gaze and saw what looked like an entire tree infested with the parasite.

His only response was to smile.

With a frown she leaned into him, greedily accepting the warmth that radiated from his body. "Let's go in, it's freezing!"

"Oh… Right, I forgot."

"How could you forget?" She griped as he scooped her up into his arms and started carrying her back to the farm house.

"Are you denying that you are 'hot'?"

"For your information, I'm 'smokin' hot'. But that doesn't make me protection from the cold."

"You obviously aren't a guy."

"Really, Smallville; what was your first clue?"

"The two hour showers."

"Farms are dirty."

"So what's your excuse at the Talon?"

She thought for a few seconds and answered meekly, for her, "Stress."

"I didn't know giving it could be stressful."

"You'd be surprised at the effort it takes."

"Like tonight?"

"You figured that out?"


She pushed away from him only to lean back into his warmth. "So all this tonight was your plan to get me back for earlier?"

"To be honest…"

"Always a nice place to start."

"…the fish nets were your idea…"

"You sure didn't mind."

"…and I had mistletoe hanging from the kitchen door frame. Running outside was all your idea…"

"You could have stopped me."

"…so I shepherded you to the mistletoe."

"All to get even with me for teasing you?"

"You almost went too far."

"If you'd tried anything I'd of kicked your ass!"

"Lois," Clark silently thanked Chloe and her knack for cover stories, "I've been working on the farm my entire life…"

"Smallville, it's not in your nature. I knew I was safe."

Clark stopped and let her down at the back door. "We all have our dark sides, Lois. I've seen mine…" He let his thought die out.

With a laugh, Lois slapped him on the chest. "You had me for a second. Where did you learn to be so devious?"

"You taught me well, Yoda."

"Did you just call me short and green with big ears?"

"You do have a 'force' about you."

They stood there looking at each other for a moment, the cold completely forgotten.

"I'm going to take a hot shower."

"Before you do that, there's something I want to show you."

"I've already seen everything," she quipped, running her eyes up and down his torso.

"You haven't seen this; it's sort of a Kent family Christmas secret."

"Should you…?"

"Just dress warmly and meet me in the loft."

She frowned.

"I'll bring hot chocolate."

"Ok, Smallville, see you in ten."


Fifteen minutes later, Lois Lane was climbing the stairs to Clark's loft. She had put on her thermals, jeans, a couple of Clark's sweat shirts, her scarf, gloves, and boots. The cold she felt made her wonder how Clark's presence had kept her warm earlier. In a survival class her father had forced her to take, she had learned about sharing body heat for warmth – but she and Clark had not been trying to keep warm. If anything, they should have been frozen. She wasn't buying the 'she's hot' theory, even if she was sure that she qualified.

Still, there was the other question…

When she reached the top step she could see him staring out the window, with only his desk lamp illuminating the loft.

"Hey, Smallville! Where's my hot chocolate?"

He turned and gave her one of his easy smiles and motioned her over to him.

As he handed her a mug and poured her a steaming cup from the thermos on his desk, she asked the question that was bothering her. "How did you know that I wasn't drunk earlier?"

His smile came with a soft laugh as he reached over and turned the desk lamp off.

"What the…!" She exclaimed as she stepped back into a fighting stance, "OK, Smallville! What's the deal?"

"That's quite a reversal, Lois. I thought you felt safe with me?"

"I do…" she said, relaxing when she realized that he wasn't coming after her. "You caught me off guard when you turned the light out. A little warning next time, Smallville; why are the lights off?"

"Our eyes need to adjust to dim light." He responded and offered her the mug of hot chocolate that she hadn't realized that she had dropped.

Stunned that he had caught the mug in the dim light, she hesitated before accepting it. "How did…" she could see that no chocolate had spilt, "…you catch it?"

"Good reflexes."

"Yeah, right… Now what about my question?"

Clark thought for a minute, "I've seen you drunk; you are abrasive, emasculating, and aggressive. You are not permissive, exhibitive, or a Southern Belle. You slurred easy words, but not difficult ones. Besides, you were not flushed and your eyes were normal."

"You noticed my eyes?"

He gave her a shy smile and a soft chuckle while looking into her eyes.

After an uncomfortable minute, staring into his blue eyes, she softly cleared her throat, "A Southern Bell?"

"Your 'ahs and ahms', were definitely of Southern influence."

"Busted, but I did have you excited."

He swallowed deeply, and then admitted, "You already know that you've got a great body. I will admit that I enjoyed your 'seduction'."

"So you thought you'd get me back once you got me here on the farm?"

"Actually, it was Chloe's idea for me to invite you for tomorrow. I just thought I'd have some fun and turn the tables on you."

"I'm starting to rub off on you."

"I almost didn't do it. I mean, you already had a spanking tonight."

She shifted uncomfortably, still feeling a little tender where her hand had landed a few too many times. "I can't believe you let me do that."

"You did earn it, and it was… interesting. Besides, Lois, you caught me by surprise, I never thought you would go through with it."

"Fooled you, Farm Boy. Now, why are we up here in the dark?"

Before he could answer, a familiar whine came from between them and they both looked down.

"I was wondering when you would decide to pester me, Clarkie."

"It's Shelby, remember…" he stopped when he saw the humorous glint in her eyes as she reached down and rubbed the Golden Retriever behind the ears. "I put the cows with young calves in the barn. He likes to stay with them at night to protect them."

"And I'm sure he does a good job. Now what are we waiting for?"

He pointed out the window as the moon, free from the few obscuring clouds, lit the snow covered country side with the illumination that only it can give.

Lois looked out across fields and smiled. The virgin snow looked like something from a dream… "This is… Wow… I've seen this view a thousand times, but this is… like a Christmas wonderland."

"This in only part of it, for the rest you have to be quiet and listen."

Despite her nature, she did stay quiet, she did listen, and it was worth the wait when in the distance she could hear a church bell ringing in Christmas morning. As it rang another joined it and another after that, until she thought she could hear the bells from a half dozen churches.

When the chorus of bells ended, the three of them continued to look out at the country side enjoying the rare moment of peace on earth, good will to man…


The En…


"You know, this doesn't mean you get out of giving me a gift, Smallville."

"I know."


"You know, Lois, about the fish nets…"

"Not gonna happen, Farm Boy."

"I had a feeling."

"Well, keep that feeling to yourself!"



"What is it?"

"Merry Christmas."

"You too… Clark."


The End

Author's Wish: Peace on Earth, good will to all, and that everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!