Twenty-Eight Days of Twelve Steps Back
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I'm doing something different with this one. R/R if you know what it's like kicking a habit.
I did a really stupid thing on New Year's Eve. Well, two stupid things actually. I got drunk (number one) and ended up confessing to Peter (number two) that my only resolution was to break my habit of randomly using my abilities whenever I feel like it. Now he actually wants me to follow through with it and has convinced me I should start this journal. I like the word "diary" better. "Journal" sounds like I'm a guy. It's not that Peter is a terrible boyfriend for pushing me to do this. I mean it's something I've wanted to do for a long time (quitting my addiction not starting a diary). I just don't know if I can do this. I want to try though. I promised Peter that I would try and I don't like breaking promises to Peter. So I'll try this and see how it goes.
Today is the day. I mean the day. Today is the day I get my life straight. I woke up this morning and felt good about myself. How often does that happen? Hardly ever. I told myself that today was the first day of my new life. Peter made me breakfast in bed to celebrate because the sneaky, little bastard read my mind. He promised he wouldn't read this diary though and that makes me feel good because he respects my privacy. He really is proud of me for doing this but I don't really think we should celebrate just yet because I haven't really done anything important. I like being pampered though. Now Peter is off hunting for a new job and I'm minding the apartment with nothing to do. He got me a lot of pamphlets and books about addiction. I doubt any of them are for people with my particular problem but he said they might help so I'll try them. It's the first day of my new life so I think I should start trying new things.
I got the itch today. I really, really wanted to shock something. It wasn't even because I was mad or anything, which I wasn't. I just, you know, wanted to shock something just because I can. It's so boring around here when Peter's gone. The books don't really help and daytime TV sucks. I just got this urge to zap something. It's hard to describe what it's like. It's like this all-consuming need. I have to do it. I can't think about anything else until I've done it. Everything else just feels so . . . off. I just can't think straight until I've felt that deliciously wonderful, prickly feeling all over. I had to bite my tongue to get my mind on something else and now it's sore and kinda still bleeding. I put some ice on it and that helped. I wish Peter was here.
I woke up feeling terrible. Last night I snuck up to the roof and did something stupid. I started shooting lightning into the air. It felt so wonderful though. I was on the roof for hours making patterns in the sky with my sparks and I couldn't have been happier. It felt like I was myself again. It felt like I was so alive that I just couldn't stop doing it. I even started dancing around, losing myself in the lightning. Then I accidentally hit something with a bolt and blacked out a very large chunk of the city including our building. I felt so awful. I thought about trying to fix it with my ability and then decided I had screwed up enough so I went back inside and cried myself to sleep. I just couldn't stop remembering that time when I was eight and I blacked out all of Toledo. I didn't mean for it to happen and I feel so terrible about it. I think I should tell Peter that it's my fault but I'm so afraid he'll get mad at me. I'm already so mad at myself. Why can't I just be normal for once?
They got the power back on today. I ended up telling Peter and he was very supportive. He cuddled me and told me it was alright and that I should expect things like this to happen sometimes. Peter's a good cuddler. He's so soft and gentle that he makes me feel like a warm, gooey marshmallow when he cuddles me. I am so not a marshmallow but he just has that way with me. I feel a little better now. It just means I have to start back at the beginning and try harder this time. I can do it. I know I can.
Peter got a new job. He's still a nurse but now he's a regular nurse like the kind who work at hospitals instead of being a hospice one. I don't think he really likes it but we could use money and he needs something to get his mind off Nathan. I should probably get a job too. It would give me something to do with my free time besides reading boring books and watching crappy TV. I haven't felt the itch since my little episode on the roof. Peter and I went out to dinner to celebrate his new job. I feel really good about life.
I've decided I like just going around town. It lets me see the world and I like doing that. I just spent the day seeing what New York City has to offer a bored twenty-four-year-old. It's quite a lot actually. The book said I should find healthy, constructive ways to spend my free time so I went sightseeing. I felt a little itch when I was in a museum. They had one of those big, glass balls that you put your hand on and then watch the electricity come out from the thing in the middle of it. I just stood there watching a bunch of little kids play around with it. I wish I could be a little kid again. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. Peter does too; I can tell. Well, you know, fix all his mistakes I mean, although him fixing mine would be nice. I've seen him stop time before. It must be so hard considering his brother's death. I wish I was strong like him. I wish I always knew the right thing to do. Peter's so good at that. Maybe I'm supposed to be this way. Maybe I'm supposed to be an addict.
I haven't written in a while. I've been depressed lately. Peter's spending more time at work. I think he's trying to avoid thinking about Nathan. I think about my past a lot and every day it's harder and harder to fight the temptation to use my power. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and there's no one to pull me out. I'm just going to keep sinking and sinking until I'm lost forever. I just can't do this. It's too hard and I just can't keep fighting it. I feel like giving up. I'll never be strong like Peter. Every day he lives with the fact that he could go back in time and save his brother but he doesn't because he knows it's wrong. How am I supposed to live up to that? I know he wants me to but I can't and it kills me. I want to make him proud but I'm just not strong enough.
Peter and I had an argument today and now we're not speaking to each other. I've discovered there's an empty apartment down the hall from us. I went in there today and just let loose with the lightning. There's no furniture in there so I don't have to worry about starting a fire. It felt incredibly good, unbelievably good. Peter thinks he's so great because he's better than me. Screw him. Using my ability feels better than anything else in the world and I like it. It's not my fault he has such a stick up his ass he can't see it's nice to indulge in guilty pleasures. I'll start quitting tomorrow. Right now, it just feels too damn good.
I'm stupid, so unbelievably stupid. Peter and I had another fight last night and I ended up shocking him. I mean I really, really shocked him as in I almost killed him. I felt like the worst person on the face of the planet in that moment. He laid there healing while I just ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I think Peter slept on the couch but I don't really know since he wasn't around when I got up today. I feel so, so terrible. I don't even know how to begin to apologize to him. He's been so patient and understanding and this is how I repay him. God, I'm so stupid! Why can't I get anything right?
It's midnight so that's why I wrote this as the twenty-first. I'm sitting on a bench in Central Park with a backpack, a coat, and a blanket. I left before Peter came home from work so we haven't spoken to each other since it happened. I've made up my mind that I can't stay with him. I've tried to be the good, little girl but I just can't do it. I'm not going to risk hurting him again so I'm just going to make it on my own. I love him so much but I'm so ashamed of myself that I just can't bear the thought of living with him. He deserves so much better than a stupid, little girl who throws a temper tantrum and ends up hurting him with her power. I hate myself. I hate it that I do terrible things to spite people just for fun. I don't want to be this way but it's so damn hard to change. I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare and there's no way out. God, please help me.
I managed to get some sleep. I can't stop wondering what Peter's doing right now. I bet he's going crazy. Maybe he's not though. Maybe he's glad I'm gone. I'm at the airport right now and it's after midnight again. I've been here most of the day but I just can't seem to work up the nerve to book a flight out of New York. I'm so pathetic I can't even do that right.
My muscles are still sore and there are still giddy, little butterflies in my tummy from last night. Peter finally found me at the airport. He brought me flowers and said he was sorry for what happened. I felt like such a bitch because I was the one who should be apologizing instead of him. He looked at me with those big, brown eyes of his and I felt like such a marshmallow that I just fell into his arms and cried right there in the airport. He took me back home and we had a nice, long talk followed by the most wonderful, indescribably glorious make-up sex ever. The best part about sex with Peter is he gets in your head while doing it. It's just so . . . God it's amazing. There aren't words to accurately describe how incredible it is. I feel so lucky and spoiled that I'm with him.
Today is the day. I mean the day. I've been through my meltdowns but now today is the day. There's a new month coming up and I'm excited about the future. I can do this. Today is the day I get my life straight. Peter's slowing down his work a little and we've been spending more time together. I really like spending time with Peter. I think it's probably the best form of therapy for me. I haven't felt the itch to zap something in a long time. Well, okay, it's only been a week but it's progress though. Right? I can do this. Peter and I agree that it's all about baby steps. I can do this. I'm strong enough to do this.
Okay so maybe today wasn't the day but, well you know, there's always tomorrow. Right?