SPOILER ALERT for "The Secret Box":
At the end of "The Secret Box" Patrick says he has a hilarious photo of SpongeBob from the Christmas party. This is my version of that Christmas party.
This fic is rated T for alcohol consumption, mild language, and one or two sexual references.
Unlike my other SpongeBob fics, this one deviates a bit from canon—though mostly just due to more mature themes.
The Christmas Party
"Ahh…." said the snooty French narrator. "It's zat special day of the year again: Christmas Eve Eve. Third most important after Christmas Eve and Christmas."
The seagulls cawed in tune with "Jingle Bells" as they circled the tiny island that exists above Bikini Bottom.
"Down below, our favorite sea creatures are preparing for a now annual tradition: zee Christmas party at zee Krusty Krab. Let's watch…. or read, whatever…."
Mr. Krabs slammed open the kitchen door. "SpongeBob!"
"Mr. Krabs!" SpongeBob chirped. "Guess how excited I am about the Christmas party!" He giggled and stretched his arms out their entire arm span. "Thiiiiiiis much!"
"Quit screwing around. Are you done with those three hundred Krabby Patties I told you to make for the party?"
SpongeBob turned back to the grill. "On numbers two hundred ninety two through two hundred ninety eight right now."
"Well, hurry it up!" said Mr. Krabs. "'cause after you're done with that, I need you to clean this place up so Squidward can decorate it."
"Aye, aye, sir!" said SpongeBob with a salute.
"Ohh-hohh," snickered Mr. Krabs. "This party is gonna make me a fortune! I'm gonna charge for everything: admittance, food, drinks, bathroom privileges, making small talk! I can't wait!"
SpongeBob sighed dreamily, not really listening. "Don't you just love Christmas, Mr. Krabs?"
"Don't you just love your job, SpongeBob?" said Mr. Krabs mockingly. "Because if you don't get back to work, I'm gonna f—"
"NO MR. KRABS!" screamed SpongeBob in a panic. "Don't fire me! I'm done! Here are all three hundred Krabby Patties! And one order of kelp bits!"
"Good job, lad," said Mr. Krabs, his tone softening. "Now get out there and CLEAN! Clean like you were some type of sponge! Haha, get it?"
"Good one, Mr. Krabs," he said as he made his way to the door.
"Ah, no it wasn't, quit your brown-nosing."
SpongeBob opened the door to lay eyes upon a beautiful Christmas tree, tinsel and lights streaming around the walls and ceiling to the crow's nest, candles on all the tables, mistletoe strung up near the restrooms, and various other holiday-related decorations.
"Squidward!" said SpongeBob, worried. "You were supposed to wait for me to clean up before you decorated!"
Squidward was standing by a long table that was to be used for food later. He was folding the napkins into swans. "Pffft. I needed time. You can't rush the art that is holiday decorating."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" he asked with a frown.
Squidward shrugged. "I don't care. Just clean around everything."
SpongeBob fell flat onto his back and sighed. "How am I supposed to do that?"
He laid there for over a half hour, just trying to collect his thoughts. The perfectionist inside of him wouldn't let him budge until he figured that out. The party had to be just perfect.
"Great job cleaning, boy!" said Mr. Krabs, bursting through the door. "You done good."
SpongeBob glanced up. "But Mr. Krabs….. I haven't even started."
"You haven't? Oh, well. I didn't actually check. It doesn't matter, because do you know what time it is?"
SpongeBob jumped in the air. "PARTY TIME?!" For some reason, he didn't land and just hovered above the ground in anticipation.
Mr. Krabs yanked him out of the air. "Almost." He turned around to Squidward, stirring the punch. "Mr. Squidward! Are you finished decorating?"
"Huh? Oh, just about. I didn't put the star on top of the tree."
"You think I wanna fall and break my—I mean…. um, I was saving that for SpongeBob….yeah….'cause it's special. Or something."
SpongeBob's eyes grew watery. "Really, Squidward?" he said with a sniff.
"Uh…. yeah. Here you go." Squidward dropped the star ornament in SpongeBob's hands, not paying attention if the pointy ends stuck him.
"Thanks, Squid!" he said merrily.
SpongeBob made his way over to the tree, but a gasp stopped him in his tracks.
"SpongeBob!" said an offended Patrick, walking through the door. "I can't believe it!"
The sponge looked down to the little star in his hands.
Patrick put his hands on his hips. "Is that a voo doo doll of me?! I thought we were best friends!"
"Bahahaha!" he laughed. "No, Patrick, this is the star for the top of the Christmas tree!"
"Oh. Well, what're you doing messing with that when it's time for the party?"
"It's PARTY TIME?!" SpongeBob was hovering again.
"Arrrgh! There she blows!" said Mr. Krabs, seeing a crowd of townspeople fast approaching the Krusty Krab. They all ran in at the same time.
"WHEE HEE!" said SpongeBob.
"Welcome to the Krusty Krab Kristmas Party!" said Mr. Krabs. "Make yourself at home…. a home where you pay for everything!" His face frowned angrily. "Seriously. I need ten bucks from each of you for entrance."
Several minutes passed. The partygoers stood around, making awkward small talk, cautiously sampling the food, grudgingly turning over their money… It was strangely quiet. Some glanced to their watches, and others eyed the door.
"Oh, no," said Mr. Krabs, worried. "This party is a total bust! I'm gonna lose me money!" He turned to SpongeBob and Squidward. "Help me come up with an idea to break the ice, boys!"
"Ooh, ooh!" SpongeBob waved his arms. "I know! I can tell jokes! Listen to this one: why did the Krabby Patty cross the road?"
"Because he didn't want the hungry customer to KETCHUP!" SpongeBob doubled over, laughing. "BAHAHAHA!!"
Mr. Krabs rolled his eyes and groaned. "I need a good idea."
"How about a little music?" said Squidward, whipping out his clarinet. "I know 'Jingle Bells', 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,' and 'Hit Me Baby One More Time.'"
"That last one wasn't even a Christmas song! You two are useless!" Mr. Krabs threw his arms up in frustration and scuttled away.
"Hey Squidward…" SpongeBob began after Mr. Krabs was gone, stifling giggles. "Here's another joke: why did Squidward cross the road?"
Squidward sighed. "Why?"
"Because he didn't want the hungry customer to KETCHUP! BAHAHAHA!!"
"I got a joke for you, SpongeBob," he sneered. "What did the octopus say to the sponge?"
"I dunno, what?"
"Goodbye." And with that, he walked away.
SpongeBob scratched his head. "I don't get it."
Mr. Krabs paced nervously. "If this party doesn't pick up soon, all me customers are gonna leave, and that means all the money leaves too! Think, Eugene, think! How can I get everyone to lighten up a bit and start having fun? Hmm…. well let's see…. what would make me blow my money?" He snorted. "That's a stupid question. Last time I wasted me money, I was…. well, wasted."
His eyes widened. "That's it! I'll spike the punch!" With a hearty laugh, he reached under his desk and pulled out a bottle of vodka. "This'll get things started…."
The party was still as lame as before. SpongeBob hadn't taken a hint and was telling the patrons his 'jokes.' At first they feigned a laugh to be polite, but he just kept going and they had reached the point where they'd just stopped trying.
Squidward was the only one who noticed Mr. Krabs pouring the alcohol into the punch bowl. He gasped but then quickly sighed. "You know… I made that punch from scratch. It's a family recipe. And you just ruined it."
"First of all, it's punch, not a food. And secondly, I just made it eighty proof better," said Mr. Krabs.
"Well, there's no way I'm drinking any now. You people are the last in the entire ocean I wanna get wasted with."
"Suit yourself, you're not paying for anything."
Just then, SpongeBob approached. "Did you guys see me? I was knocking 'em dead with those jokes! One guy's head actually exploded from their awesomeness!"
"Hey, hey, yeah whatever…. you should tell them to come over and try some of this delicious punch Squidward made." Mr. Krabs pointed to the bowl. "I'll even lower the price! Only five bucks a cup!"
"I think everyone got theirs already," said SpongeBob. "But I didn't! Mmm, looks tasty!"
"I'm definitely walking away now," said Squidward, then following through with his statement.
SpongeBob sipped from the cup. "Yummy!"
"Don't drink too much of that stuff, lad. You gotta take the money and keep food on the table at all times."
"I don't understand. Why would the punch keep me from doing that?" SpongeBob elbowed Mr. Krabs playfully. "It's not like it's alcohol or something, right?"
"Oh, no, no. Of course not," he replied, sweating a little.
"Haha, good, because I've never had a drink before." Glancing down, he saw that his cup was now empty. "Oops! Out already!" SpongeBob quickly refilled the cup, drank it in just a couple big gulps, and then put the cup down on the table. "Ah. Thirst quenching. Well, I better go bring out some more Krabby Patties! The platter is starting to get a little low." He skipped off into the kitchen.
"What have I just done?"
SpongeBob didn't know why, but he was starting to feel a little… funny. Carrying a platter above his head to and from the kitchen had never proved itself to be a difficult task before, but that night he found it quite tricky.
But things got a lot worse than that. It wasn't long before he was stumbling around the restaurant, his eyelids hung at different lengths.
"Hey guys…." he slurred, approaching a few fish. "Whaddaya call a sponge on Sunday mornin'?"
They exchanged confused glances.
"Uhhh….." drawled SpongeBob, before bursting into a giggle fit. "I forgot the answer!"
They started to walk away, but he called after them. "Wait, guys! I got 'nother one. This one's dirty. Okay…. okay…. what's the difference between a starfish and a bucket of mud? …… To get to the other side! Ha HA! …. wait, I think I told that wrong…"
Just then SpongeBob realized he needed to pee. Now. He staggered over to what he thought was the bathroom and unzipped his fly.
"WHAT'RE YOU DOING, SPONGEBOB?!" roared Mr. Krabs. "You're pissing all over me cash register!"
"Huh?" was all he could say before Mr. Krabs shoved him into the wall.
"Oh, my precious register! Don't worry! Daddy'll clean you up….."
SpongeBob, now on his back, groaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Hey buddy!" said Patrick, looming over him. "What are you doing just laying around? Hey, did you know your fly is down?"
SpongeBob hiccupped, and three bubbles that shaped themselves into an unhappy face escaped and floated in the air before popping.
Patrick laughed. "You look funny! Hold on, I'm gonna go get my camera!"
SpongeBob slowly got up and stumbled around a bit more. A few fish eyed him as he passed by. Suddenly he bumped into a familiar face.
"SpongeBob!" said Sandy, turning around from facing the table. "I was wonderin' where you were."
SpongeBob only held his head and groaned in response.
"Look, I gotta be honest with you…. this party is lamer than a centipede missing ninety nine legs."
"Wha….? No, it's gotta be perfect…." he said with slurred speech.
"Come on. The food's cold, there's no music—"
"I'll give you music!" he shouted, interrupting her. "I'll sing ya a little somethin' called, um… karaoke. Or… as I like to call it…. karao-KAY."
Somehow there was a karaoke machine near the end of the table. It appeared the same way other random stuff in cartoons do.
SpongeBob hopped up on the table and grabbed the microphone. But the songs' titles were too blurry for him to make out. "Oh, screw it… I'll sing my own song." He cleared his throat.
Sandy was embarrassed for the both of them. By now a small crowd had gathered near the table, wondering what this drunken sponge was doing.
"Myyyyyyy tighty whiteys!" he sung, out of tune. "Who… makes my whole… life worthwhile? Tighty—" Just then he stumbled and fell off the table onto his back.
"SpongeBob!" said Mr. Krabs, rushing over. "You're ruinin' me, boy! You're turning this party into a disaster!"
His only response was a bit of vomit gurgling out of his mouth.
"You should flip him over so he doesn't choke," said Sandy.
Mr. Krabs picked him up and shook him. "You listen to me you little—" A star falling out of SpongeBob's pants stopped his thought. "What is that? Is that the star for the tree?! You never put it up?!" With a mighty heave, he tossed SpongeBob into the Christmas tree. "You get up there and put it on!"
SpongeBob dazedly held on, about halfway up the tree. The first step he tried to take upwards slipped, and he slid down the tree to the bottom. After he hit the floor, the star ornament fell on him, with two of the pointy ends sticking into the top of his head.
Upon seeing this sight, Sandy dashed over to his aid. "SpongeBob, are you okay?" she asked, extending her hand to help him up. But she quickly pulled it away when she saw the tree sap on his hands. "Oops! Don't wanna get stuck to ya. Here." She pulled him up by the star lodged in his head, which popped out in her grasp.
Miraculously, SpongeBob was now on his feet. "Th….thanks, Sandy…."
"I didn't think I'd ever see the day, but you're as drunk as a skunk," said Sandy. "I think you should go home and get some rest. You know, sleep it off."
"I'm not drunk!" he slurred. "I've never drunken my whole life!" Now angry from Sandy's accusations, he wobbled away, muttering to himself.
"I'll show her…. I am so not drunk… if I was drunk, wouldn't I know it? Duh…." Approaching Squidward under the mistletoe, he stopped. "Squidward! Am I drunk?"
"Oh, no, SpongeBob. You're your normal self," he said, somewhat sarcastically.
"I knew it. That squir…squir…. person was so wrong."
"I'm reeeeeally debating having some of that punch now…." he said, holding his aching head.
"I'll get ya some…." The alcohol having shot SpongeBob's coordination—which let's face it, was never that great to begin with—he tripped with his first step. His arms flailed and reached for the first thing they could grab onto—which happened to be Squidward's ass.
But when he went to pull them away, he had some difficulty due to the tree sap's stickiness.
"I don't know what you were taught about mistletoe, SpongeBob," began Squidward, gritting his teeth in anger. "But it's for kissing, not sexual harassment!" Then he realized what he said: "Not that I'd let you kiss me either!"
"I'm tryin' to pull away, but my hands are stuck!"
"Hey guys!" said Patrick, walking up. "Say 'cheese!'" CLICK!
Nothing like a good photograph of a sponge with his fly down clutching an octopus' rear end, eh?
"Patrick!" shouted Squidward, ripping himself away from SpongeBob's hands. "Give me that camera!"
Patrick pulled the camera away. "No, get your own!"
"What're you so angry about? You're hardly even in it. It's mostly SpongeBob, all I got of you was your butt." Patrick laughed. "Ha ha! But I got so many of SpongeBob… singing, falling out of the tree, and now, holding onto your—"
"GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!" screamed Squidward before launching into chase after Patrick.
"And so SpongeBob passed out, Squidward continued to chase Patrick in vain around zee restaurant…" began the French narrator. "…Mr. Krab's party was a bust and it cost him more to put it on than he earned from it. Zee end."
"Tighty Whiteys" is an actual SpongeBob song on the "Best Day Ever" CD, sung by SpongeBob. Just in case you were wondering.
Reviews are appreciated :)