I wrote this in the last ten minutes, all while fighting a losing battle to retain consciousness, so... apologies if it's a little rough, I had a choice between having it perfect and having it on time for Christmas... I stand by my call.

Credit to Cousin Mose for daring me to do a Christmas fic, I can only hope he doesn't mind being linked to this one.

"Yes, Scranton, There Is A Dunder-Mifflin Early Winter Holiday Special"

Dwight, with almost human warmth: This Christmas, I only have one wish...

Pause.

Dwight: I don't want more and/or better weapons or a faster internet connection or even for the Sci-Fi Channel to commit to another season of Battlestar Galactica.

He shakes his head.

Dwight: All I wish...

Pause

Dwight: That all of my enemies... be put down in the harshest way imaginable.

--

Oscar: I want another out-of-court settlement.

Pause.

Oscar: Soon.

--

Pam: I really have everything I want right now.

Pause.

Pam, tentatively: Although I could use an iPhone.

--

Kelly, inexplicably holding a microphone: I'd like to send this out to my special guy on our first Christmas together.

She reaches over to press the button on her radio.

Kelly, singing: I don't want a lot for Christmas/There is just one thing I need/I don't care about the presents/Underneath the Christmas tree...

--

Darryl: ...

--

Angela: This Christmas, I just wish everyone would take a moment to remember the true meaning of this season...

Pause.

Angela: ...And why that should exclude certain chatty Customer Service representatives from the Christmas party.

--

Stanley stanleys.

Stanley: Golf cart.

--

Phyllis: Um...

--

Toby, dressed in a red sweater with a green reindeer, stares forlornly at nothing in particular.
Off-screen: Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

Toby: (Sigh.)

--

Kevin: My wish for Christmas is...

He looks around to see if anyone is watching him, then...

Kevin, as haltingly as possible: Are you... and your spouse... looking to... experiment?

Pause.

Kevin: Wouldn't... it be... great to meet... other couples with... similar interests? The number's 222-2222, we've got an answering machine that will talk to you.

--

Andy: Well, I kinda want the sex tape Danny DeVito made with Rhea Perlman.

Pause.

Andy: A lot.

--

Creed, completely unaware he's being filmed: Cannabis sativa.
Pause.

Creed: Or, in the heart of L.A., known as the Chronic.

Pause.

Creed: Not to be confused with the bionic; even though it does cost six million dollars, maaan...

--

Kelly, still singing: All I want for ChristmaaAAAaaaAAAAas is yoooooOOOOooou...

--

Ryan can't stop laughing.

--

Jim: I just wish I could there when Dwight opens that box of Robert Mapplethorpe books I sent him.

Pause.

Jim: Kids, always remember to sign out of Amazon when you're done making your order.

--

Michael: This Christmas, I wish that all the children, all over the world, could gather together in the spirit of giving and tolerance and join together to sing in beautiful harmony.

Pause.

Michael: But, if anyone is looking for a real present, I really need to renew my subscription to Maxim.

--

Meredith with her face in one hand, a bottle of Cutty Sark in the other: What did I do with my life?

And to all a good night.