The terrible tale of Akatsuki and the effects of Christmas excess
"Fuck you, you great queen!" yelled Hidan as he met Kakuzu underneath the mistletoe for the 5th time that morning. It was Christmas Eve and everyone was feeling a little crazy. Reluctantly Hidan pouted and waited for Kakuzu to do his thing. "Am I the only one in this whole damn place that isn't as bent as a roundabout?" he whined as soon as Kakuzu's lips were removed.
"Hey there's me!" argued Konan from underneath the Christmas tree, she was wrapping presents but dropping ash from her cigarette all over them.
"Look, mind out!" warned Sasori, "you don't want to go setting fire to that present. I think it's one of Deidara's. Oh and here chuck this under there too" He passed her another present which smelt strongly of chemicals.
"Kablammy" squealed Deidara happily, already tucking in to the chocolates. The first layer was half gone so far. He leaned back against the bright pink loveseat where Leader was sitting and rubbed his belly.
"That candy is going to go straight to your ass," Leader said mockingly
"Oh I don't know I think he'd look nice with a bit of a ghetto booty going on" Sasori replied
"FUCKING QUEENS" screamed Hidan and stomped out. Unfortunately before he was through the door his partner Kakuzu jumped in front and winked suggestively. They were once again underneath the mistletoe. "Oh screw this already" he sighed in submission, then reached up to his partners mask, pulled it down and drew him into a vicious kiss. Kakuzu's tongue found its way into his mouth so he bit down on it, hard. Blood welled up and mixed with their saliva as their tongues danced in a complicated battle for dominance.
Hidan suddenly broke away and practically legged it up the stairs. They could hear him legging it up the next flight too, and the next. All the way to the lofty room those two shared. You may have guessed the house was BIG. In the silence that followed they could hear what sounded like the scrape of his scythe, a gasp, then sobbing.
"He's in denial" stated Itachi, climbing through the window with mud on his shoes and leaves in his hair. "Zetsu's been fed, everyone relax". He glanced fondly at Kisame.
"The dude doesn't know what he's missing" crooned the shark man looking up from his Playboy Aquarium magazine.
"Ooh is that this weeks new one?" asked Itachi excitedly, then he and Kisame began to leer and drool over the glossy pages.
The phone rang. Its eerie notes chilled the blood of everyone in the house. The last time anyone had ever tried to ring the Akatsuki it was the army preparing to raid them. After they encountered Deidara and his bombs there wasn't much left. A grin spread over the blondes face and he raced to the phone trailing sweet wrappers behind him.
"HELLO?" he screamed down the receiver – he had never got used to using phones. "HELLO WHO'S THERE??"
"Um..." said a small voice at the other end
"CAN'T HEAR YOU – hey guys I think it's broken again" he began to shake it. When it didn't produce a loud bang or any explosions he just dropped it and went to lurk in his room. Or rather, went to find his secret stash of monster munch. Pein didn't allow junk food in the house so the sweet toothed missing nin had horded what he could. Pein just laughed as Deidara's ass left the room.
Tobi was next to approach the phone, the idiot with only one eyehole in his mask had to peer at it sideways to read the display. "Hey everyone it says 'Orochimaru' on here. Who's he?"
Konan jumped to her feet and swiped the phone from the masked nin. "Hello?" she demanded, "If that's you come to apologise, Orochimaru you can take your snake infested Christmas cake and shove it-"
"Actually its Kimimaro here" said the voice on the phone, "I need to ask a favour."
Pein picked up the other phone and put it on loudspeaker so everyone could listen in on the conversation. "Go on what is this favour?" he asked.
"Well you see, a lot of people get depressed around the holidays and Orochimaru...he" Kimimaro let the sentence hang guiltily in the air.
"Aw I feel bad for the guy" said Sasori, "let him come round here!"
"Any objection?" said Konan grudgingly. No one said a word, this was going to be too much fun.
And so at around 7pm on Christmas Eve the akatsuki found themselves assembled in the living room awaiting the return of one of their former members. Even Zetsu was allowed in the house provided he didn't assault the house plants or eat anyone; so far his only interest had been on the grand and silver-dusted Christmas tree. He was trying to coax it into conversation.
"C'mon baby don't be shy around me. You know me right?"Crooned the white side of Zetsu
"Its not as clever as us, you shouldn't waste you time with it!" said Zetsu's evil half
He reached out and began stroking the glitter coated branches.
"Your pine needles are so soft, let me wash them for you" His pale side continued, and he started to lick the tree with his rough green tongue, fly trap springing open wildly. No one had time to notice, especially Pein who was creeping off through the door with a manic expression on his heavily pierced face. Konan tip toed behind like a human chimney in her own private cloud of smoke. No one really wanted to know where they were going, so no one asked. Hidan watched them leave through bleary eyes, he'd been on the Jack Daniels ever since that kiss this morning and his vision was beginning to blur.
"H-ha theys goin t make shexy time" he slurred and laughed till he slid sideways into Kakuzu's lap, the stitch man laughed too and raised his glass to his good fortune that Hidan was a complete lightweight and had gotten drunk before he had. He played with the priest's hair and Hidan started to drool. He shook his head and sat up drunkenly, his face came inches from Kakuzu's and he blew whisky flavoured breath at him.
"Y –you're all right 'ole Kuzu..." he slurred again, "In 'ole battle yo' always there t save my ass, sush a nice guy huh?" he turned and nodded at everyone waving his thin hands in emphasis.
"Erm...Hidan? I think you've had too much!" squeaked Tobi from amongst the presents,
"Nah...not eno- enuf of him" The drunken zealot squinted at kakuzu who couldn't believe his luck when yet another wet kiss was planted on his parted lips.
Kisame cheered and Itachi turned on some loud music to drown out the sounds of the long-awaited makeout session that was going on between the two immortals. Papa Roach came blaring out of the speakers just as Sasori choked on whatever unmentionable chemical he was snorting up his nose today.
"Gah! He choked, "The tree! Look at the tree you fools!"
"Solvent abuse kills you know Danna" said Deidara in an uncharacteristic serious tone as he returned to the room. A packet of wotsits was badly hidden in his coat pocket.
"Not if you're a puppet and besides, you don't understand. Look at the tree! And Zetsu!"
Indeed Zetsu was getting it on with the Christmas tree. The baubles were ruined and the tinsel was wrapped around...around
"What the fuck is that!!?? Screamed Konan as she staggered into the door, "there's a fire!"
Woa look at her eyes! Thought Itachi. And she hasn't even noticed Zetsu yet, "There is no fire in here" he said in his cool voice.
"The hell there's a big purple fire right there!" she pointed at a blank space of threadbare carpet.
Itachi turned to whisper to his yaoi partner, "Is she...high?"
His suspicions were justified when Pein their Leader crawled through the door helpless with laughter. He rolled over and laughed until tears ran down his face.
"Stop my darling you're rolling in the FIRE" Konan said in a high pitched voice and began to giggle and dance about. She tripped over her own feet and landed next to her partner. Where she promptly collapsed.
I can't watch this thought Deidara and he got up again. He considered taking his precious Sasori with him but the puppet was barely conscious in the old armchair, a bottle of an unnamed chemical handing from his fingers. His hand-mouths ached for something to devour and since there was no clay left he might as well start on the Christmas food.
The day darkened into evening and by the time Kimimaro appeared at the door sporting a Santa hat with a bedraggled and miserable Orochimaru under his arm there was hardly anyone left standing. The snow had begun to fall and the pair were shaking with cold. After ringing the bell constantly for 20 minutes a scantily clad Kisame answered the door looking bad tempered.
"Erm..." he said looking down at his nakedness.
Kimimaro just thrust an envelope at him, shoved Orochimaru into his arms and disappeared in a flash of snow white bones. He couldn't wait to be out of that hell hole and get back to Sound where Kabuto was waiting...
Back in the living room, with the clock ticking on for midnight, the remains of Akatsuki lay, sat, or slouched in a state. The music had long stopped. Pein lay immobile on the floor with a curious small plastic bag in his hand. Konan lay slouched against the dirty wall with a broken fag hanging from her bottom lip. Hidan lay back against the side of the now blood soaked couch with a knife in his side and a look of intense pleasure on his face. Kakuzu lay half on top of him with his head resting on the drunken priest's chest, still holding the guilty knife and missing his mask. Both were passed out. Over on the other side of the messy room Tobi sat slowly unwrapping all of the presents passing anything edible to Deidara, and anything inedible to Zetsu. Deidara looked pale and sick and kept speaking to his hands. "Why more?" he would ask, "you've already had enough!" but the hands just wouldn't stop.
The desecrated Christmas tree lay broken and thoroughly shagged on the floor next to Zetsu whose fly trap was shuddering ever so slightly every time he looked across at the silver branches. Orochimaru sat in misery between Kisame and Itachi both of whom bore him no grudges for a) previously trying to steal Itachi's body and b) interrupting valuable Aquarium porn time. Every now and then Itachi broke into song – terrible Christmas anthems which Kisame couldn't resist dancing to. His singing voice was awful on account of him never speaking enough, but both were krunk from spending too long inside the mangeyou sharingan. Every time kisame got up to dance another item of his clothing went 'missing' much to the Uchiha's delight.
It was the night before Christmas and all through the (akatsuki) house, not a creature was stirring not even a ...wait...a blue tinted man-shark and his gay partner, a plant man, a basketball head and a blonde bomber with an eating disorder.
"Merry fucking Christmas" mumbled Hidan in his alcohol-induced sleep.
Orochimaru just sat in horror and scanned the faces of the members of the organisation he used to respect. The clock chimed midnight.