Disclaimer: If you're interested in reading a parody with absolutely no plot and pointless shit happening every three seconds, this is the story for you! Oh yeah, and I don't own the X-Men, and so on, and so forth.

'Twas a typical day at the X-Mansion…





Cyclops bounded down the stairs to see not Jean, but Beast, sitting in front of the television screaming.

"Oh, Hank! It's you! You scream like a little Irish girl!" Cyclops breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, dear. I'm dreadfully sorry Scott, but I was watching my tapes of Days of Our Lives and Dan just shot Susan who he thought was his evil twin's roomate's cousin but who turns out to be actually his half-sister and also the mother of his child, who had died in a tragic balloon accident three years before!"

"My GOD!" Scott exclaimed, taking a seat.


So it was a typical day at the X-Mansion. Wolverine was acting as a can opener in the kitchen. Professor Xavier was hitting on Jubilee. Jean was attempting to blow dry her hair but unfortunately fainted in the process, hitting her head on a bar of soap. Professor X was hitting on Jubilee. Rogue and Storm were flying around the kitchen table trying to swat a fly. Professor Xavier was hitting on Jubilee. Cyclops was watching Beast's "stories" with him and Gambit was God knows where, probably picking up chicks at that new gay bar.


New gay bar? Dammit, Gambit you gotta learn how to read. You're not going to find any chicks at a bar called "The Greasy Pole".

Back to the story…

"Oh no!" yelled Jubilee from upstairs.

Instantly the X-Men dropped what they were doing and trooped upstairs.

"What's this? Trouble, Jubilee? Let me find it!" insisted Jean. She put her fingers on her temples and concentrated. "I….uhnnnn….."

Jean promptly fainted.

"Here it comes…" muttered Wolverine.

"JEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Cyclops, running to catch his one true love before she fell on an even bigger bar of soap.

"Dammit, Wolverine, I told you to fix the toaster! It must be interfering with Jean's psychic waves!" Scott yelled.

"Kiss my ass," muttered Logan.

"What's that?!" Scott thundered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was…Jean's one hot piece of ass, laser face!" Logan shot back.

"Why you little…"

Storm burst into the room. "Senator Kelly is dead!"

"Wrong plotline, sugah," Rogue whispered.

"Oh," Storm shrugged and walked away.

"Soo…what is the problem, Jubilation?" Beast asked.

"Well, the professor was just telling me how pretty I am and was asking me if I wanted to come into his office so he could show me something 'special' when he left abruptly and he never came back!" Jubilee whimpered.

Beast leaned closer. "Reeeeally?"

A few days later…

"Hey guys, the Professor's still gone," Logan casually mentioned at breakfast.

"So he is…" Storm said.

A few more days later…

"Maybe we should find the Professor," Scott said worriedly at dinner.

"Less talk, more dinner," Storm said.


Rogue burst into the room. "Guys! Ah have some awful news!"

"Oh no!" screamed Jean, fainting.


"Get a hobby, Cyke," Jubilee grumbled.

"Well the bad news is…this story isn't gonna go anywhere if we don't look for the professor!" Rogue screamed.

"I believe Emily Dickenson said it best…" Beast began.

"Shut up Beast." Wolverine growled.

"Alright, let's get up off our asses and look for him then…" Scott grumbled.

After thoroughly searching all the refrigerators in the house, they finally found something to eat.

After that, the X-Men were well-energized to find the Professor!

"Hang on, whatever happened to Gambit?" Jubilee inquired.

Suddenly Gambit walked into the room with a strange man dressed like an Indian Chief.

"THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!! Can I have your autograph???" asked Beast with his eyes shining.

"Gambit! Who is this followin ya?" Rogue shrieked.

Gambit shrugged.

"Let me show you around…" Beast insisted, grabbing his hand and running out the door.

And the search continued…

Ding dong!

"What was that?" Jean said as she picked herself up.

Scott looked around confused. "I don't know!"

"I can hear it…but see nothing…" Storm said in disbelief, looking around wildly.


Scott calmly walked up to a wall. "HOW CAN WE FIGHT SOMETHING WE CAN'T SEE!!" His fist pounded on the wall. "Ow."

Suddenly Magneto walked in. "Hey guys. Thought I'd let myself in."

A Mexican band walked in behind him and started playing.

"What the hell…" Wolverine said.

"Yeah…they follow me around. You haven't seen the Professor, have you?" Magneto asked worriedly.

"Noooope," Storm answered.


"Who the hell are you talking to?" Gambit asked.

The Mexican band started singing. "Who the hell are you talking toooo cha cha cha!"

Magneto sidled up to Rogue. "Hey Rogue-remember when you and me got it on and had a kid in Age of Apocalypse?"

Rogue took a step backwards.

"Yes she took a step baaaaaaackwards cha cha cha!" The Mexicans started singing.

Jubilee started to dance. Wolverine pushed her over.

Gambit sighed, "Dude, where's Professor X?"

"I dunno, dude," Wolverine replied. He walked over to Jean. "Hey Jean, have you seen Professor X?"

Jean smiled slyly. "Well, I saw his back seat…"

Wolverine sighed. "No, I'm talking about the whole thing."

Gambit suddenly let out a yelp. "Dude, you got a tattoo!"
Wolverine turned around and stared at Gambit. "Dude, so did you!"

"What does mine say?" Gambit asked, turning around.

"Sweet! What does mine say?" Wolvie asked.

"Dude! What does mine say?"

"Sweet. What does mine say?"

"Dude. What does mine say?"

Rogue sighed. "Ah think we all know where this is goin'."

Magneto furrowed his eyebrows. "Where?"

Suddenly there was a loud CRASH as a shadowy figure crashed through the rec room window. He stood up and stepped out of the shadows, to reveal…

"Spiderman!" everyone exclaimed joyously.

"Yo," Spidey replied.

"Dude, have you seen Prof. X?" Wolvie asked.

"Maybe he locked himself in the bathroom again?" Spidey suggested.

"Wow!" Jean exclaimed. "THANKS Spiderman!"

"Just doin' my fair share," Spidey said as he swung away.

So the X-Men, Magneto, and his crazy Mexican band all trooped up to the bathroom. Lo and behold, Professor X HAD locked himself in the bathroom after all! Gee, the X-Men all had a good-natured laugh about that one!

And as a treat for finding him, Professor Xavier took out all the X-Men, even Magneto, for ice cream.


Note: This story was totally pointless. I was bored, OK? Special thanks to my friend Halya for aiding me in this pointless story.