Giovanni Goes to Walmart
(A/N : I went to Walmart yesterday ... so some of this stuff that happens is based on my experience going there.I do not own Pokemon, or the Oscar Meyer song.)
It was Christmas Eve. The trees were bare, and this year was not a white Christmas. Mr. Grinch, the douchebag - or as some people call him - Giovanni, was watching one of those really boring documentaries on the History Channel while angrily making dots on a white piece of paper with his ink pen. He did not get into the Christmas spirit, and had even chased off a couple of carolers earlier that day. Why ? He was a lonely old man who got divorced by one of the sweetest women in Kanto eleven years ago, and now he was sitting on a hard chair with the only companion being a Persian.
So he was depressed (if you want to call it that) .
There was a good thing about this year, though. His ex - wife recently mailed him a picture of his son. A young thing of fourteen, with unbrushed black hair and a ratty Pikachu. And he was supposed to get something for him, but apparently, Giovanni forgot like the douchebag he was.
This did not strike him until it was around... four in the evening. And when it did, he cursed himself until he passed out like the dummy he is.
" Okay. It's Christmas Eve and I don't know where to shop. Persian... do you have any ideas ? "
The Persian rolled his eyes at Giovanni.(This conversation is translated ! ) " Fudge. I would say Target, but after that incident in Celadon I don't think Terrance would appreciate you coming back. So... Walmart is the only option for you, unfortunately. "
" What 's a Walmart ? Is it like a barrier ? "
Persian fell over, anime - style. " Freezing priest, man ! You need to seriously get updated ! "
" Fine, I'll go to freaking Walmart then ! " Giovanni said, his voice frustrated.
The angry man shoved himself in his car and drove to Walmart. It was a madhouse. The streets were crawling with cars, people, and a bunch of poo from Stantler. And there was no parking space.
Giovanni looked up and down the aisles until he found a parking space in the far corner from the store... near a pile of poo. He cursed up and down as that was the closest space he could find. Aisle 27. He had to walk twenty - seven aisles to get to Walmart. It was a very funny sight to see a 44 year old man walk through twenty - seven miles to get to a freaking Walmart...
After what seemed like an eternity, he finally got in the store. Persian was following him all this time , and keeping an eye out in case Giovanni got through to the aspirin aisle, or the section where the Jello - Shots were placed.
" Okay, Persian. What do you think I should get the little dumb crapface ? "
" Get him a B.B gun, Giovanni ! I really don't care ! "
" He'll shoot his eye out. Do you have any other ideas ? "
" Why are you asking me ? I'm a freaking pokemon ! "
" I don't know how or what to shop for a fourteen year old boy ! "
" Then why don't you ask Delia, then ? " Persian said , ready to claw at his trainer.
Giovanni winced at the name of his ex - wife. " I am not asking her ! She'll think I'm crazy ! "
Persian rolled his eyes again. " You already are crazy ! Just get this done and over with ! "
" I am not calling her up, Persian ! Now shut up ! "
(Five minutes later...)
" Hello ? This is the Ketchum residence. I'm sorry I don't have the visual part on, but Samuel broke it trying to order a spinach pizza. "
" Uh... yeah. Do you have any idea what Ash might want for Christmas ? Underwear ? Fudgies ? One of those weird Harry Potter books ? "
" You forgot to shop for Ash and just remembered to do it right now on Christmas Eve, didn't you , Giovanni ? "
" No ? ... "
" You can try getting a Wii for him. I've been hearing him talk about it for the last three months. "
" How much do they cost ? "
" Oh, about 500 to 600 dollars. "
" Heck no am I spending six hundred dollars on my dummy of a son ! "
" Red... don't call Ash a dummy, or I will track you down and unleash rabid Buneary on your sorry heinie ! "
" Fine ! I'll try to get him a freaking Wii , then ! "
" I know you are not raising your tone of voice with me , Red Ketchum ! "
" Can't you make this easy on me, Delia ? I'm losing time , here ! "
" That isn't my fault ! If you would have remembered and shopped earlier... "
" Oh, don't start this crap with me again ! Aren't you ,like, thirty - something already ? "
" I'm thirty - three ! Now go shop for Ash or don't call me again ! "
" Okay... by the way, are you drinking ? "
Persian stifled a snicker, and his trainer glared at him. " Shut up, Persian. Nothing went on in the conversation ! Now I have to get my son a Wii. "
" Why ? "
" I don't know ! Because she yelled at me ! "
" Dude... you're still hitting on her, aren't you ? "
" ... I rather not get involved with the conversation. "
Giovanni was impatiently tapping his foot. " Excuse me, but I need some assistance ! "
A really short little man came forth wearing a Pikachu covered hat. " Uh, yeah. What do you want with me ? I'm Floyd , and I'll be your emo guide of this depressing Walmart. "
" Okay... do you have a Wii ? "
" A what ? "
" A Wii. "
" Uh, what do they look like ? "
" I don't know ! My ex - wife suggested it ! "
" Women. They suck. They all want us to rot in Hell. Damn sluts. "
" All I want to know is if you have it or not. "
" I could find out... but I don't want to, so I'll suggest something else. Go to the grocery aisle, and buy the person a package of Oscar - Meyer bologna. "
" Oscar Meyer bologna ? "
" Ohhh, my bologna has a first name - it's O - S - C - A - R ! My bologna has a second name - it's M - E - Y - E - R ! Ohh, if you want you can stay, and if you do , I have to say... Go buy some meat called b - o - l - o - g - n -a ! " the idiot named Floyd sung.
" Yeah... I think I'll just get a giftcard... "
" Crap. Are these lines actually real , Persian ? They seem so huge ! "
" No duh, Giovanni. These are real lines. "
Giovanni sighed as he stood in a long line with only a gift card and a jasmine scented bottle of perfume. His Persian was peering at a Rattata. He noticed it too, and glared at Persian. " Don't even think about it. "
The line did not move for a long time. When it did, it was eight minutes later. Giovanni looked like he could go for the jug. He started to bang his head on his hands (if that is even possible) . " I hope my son is happy with this fifty dollar gift card, or I'm going to need a bigger jug with some stronger alcohol. "
Finally at last Giovanni got at the register. An overly perky woman who looked like she was on happy pills greeted him. " Welcome to Walmart. Did you like the service here today ? "
" Is a Magikarp retarded ? "
The perky woman ' s smile turned into a frown. " Excuse me ? "
" The service sucked. Now, scan these items and don't talk to me ! "
The lady scanned the items, put them in a bag, gave it to the douchebag, and kicked Giovanni in his " happy place " . He groaned, and she gave a sick cackle, popping another few pills and shoving them down her dry throat. " Come again, you weirdo bastard ! " she cried out.
He left , walked to the long and painful path of Aisle 27, and moaned. " I am never going there again ! "
" So... you're saying that this guy who claims to be my dad got a gift card for me instead of getting underwear ? " Ash inquired.
Delia glared at the douchebag. " I'm afraid so, honey. At least it's 50 dollars, or otherwise I would be getting revenge for you. "
" Okay then... but isn't Walmart the worst store in the four regions ? "
" Ash... I shop there , you know. "
" For underwear . "
" Ash... "
" Fine. "
The weirdo kid known as Ash Ketchum ran up the stairs of his house with a gift card in his hand. His parents were on the couch. Both were drinking coffee , but Giovanni looked like he seriously needed the jug. Delia glared at him.
" So... you bought him a gift card instead of a B.B. gun ? "
" What's the worst thing he can do with fifty dollars ? "
" Six words for you - lose Pikachu at a poker game. "
" Eh, he would get over that rat in a couple of years, anyway. "
Delia continued to glare at him and sighed. " So... how was your trip at Walmart ? "
" Sucked. There was a lot going on - Aisle 27, an emo fifteen year old, a weirdo lady. I am never going to Walmart again. "
" Okay... "
They stood in silence for a few minutes. " So , Delia. Did you open it ? "
" Open what ? "
" The bag. "
" Red - I'm not going to open up anything from you . You're a douchebag S.O.B criminal leader, and I don't trust you. "
" Come on, Delia ! I was married with you for... four years, and you can't even trust me with a bag ? "
Delia blushed a little bit. " Fine. If you want to be that way, Giovanni. " She opened the bag and handled the bottle of perfume gently. Her glare at him quickly softened. " You have got to be kidding me, Red. "
" What, you don't like it or something ? "
" No, it's not that... it's that I can't believe you would do this. "
" What, you can't believe that your ex - husband got something for you ? "
" Exactly. "
The next thing that happened was shocking. Everyone that was under ten would probably have puked right there on the floor. Ash actually almost threw up right then and there watching the scene from the top of the stairs secretly (with a video camera in his hands). . Anybody who was over ten would have thrown up and faint. (And if you don't like mushy crap, I suggest you turn your head before your eyes go blind and you throw up, too.)
The douchebag leaned over and kissed Delia softly on the cheek. (pukes)
Delia smacked her ex - husband. " Quit it, casanova ! I may be 33, but I'm not as dumb as you think ! "
" Ehhhhhhhh , damn it ! "
And so Christmas Eve was spent in the Ketchum household. (How that happened - I have no
idea. ) The Grinch tried to score, and he got smacked. (I'm sure it's a friendly gesture, but you can never be sure with a lady.)
So this story ends with a thumping goodbye - have a Merry Whatever, and a New Year's Goodbye.
So... it ended up with a diamondshipping epilogue ? Sweet. (And for the record, let's just say Professor Oak was shot or something.) I made two cameos today ! The little midget man is my OC Floyd, and the crazy lady is Eliza ! They are both my staff, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, read Pokemon Telethon, a crazy nutjob with crazy people ! (Which I still have to update, but I should get that done in one to maybe three days.
Okay , then. Until next time - see ya : )