Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, you hear me!
Author's Note: Sometimes inspiration randomly strikes me, and I just can't resist it. Seeing as I didn't write anything specifically for Shizuru's birthday and this inspiration worked perfectly for it, I decided to just go ahead and write it that way. Sure, it's a bit late, but better late than never.
As with Shattered Mask, this story takes place outside the continuity of my other stories, just in its own little bubble. This ficlet is probably only going to be a couple of chapters long, though you never know what inspiration may strike in the future. There's also a little risk that I had to make Natsuki a tad OOC here for what she's doing, but that's up to interpretation. Let me know what you guys think.
Still giving my beta Christmas vacation off, so let me know if you spot any mistakes here.
Title: I'm Yours
Chapter 1: I Want This
A bout of nervousness hit Shizuru as she pulled into her garage. Her birthday was almost over, and she still hadn't seen Natsuki. Even at the party Mai had thrown for her, which included all of the friends she'd made in the aftermath of the Carnival, Natsuki had been conspicuously absent. No one there had known where she was; they'd apparently all been expecting her to show up.
But it didn't seem possible that Natsuki would completely abandon Shizuru on her birthday. Sure, there had been some tension between them, but it had been there for quite a while. Natsuki had made it quite clear to Shizuru after the Carnival that although she couldn't return Shizuru's love in the right way, she would never hold Shizuru's feelings against her or complain about them.
At first, the tension between them had arisen from Shizuru being unsure of how much she was allowed to show her feelings and Natsuki trying to get used to the displays of affection Shizuru did make. But as time passed, Natsuki was able to put up with more, and Shizuru started to get bolder with her advances. The tension between them started to morph as this happened. Shizuru started to get the sense that maybe, just maybe, she was wearing down Natsuki's resistance.
Over the last couple weeks, though, something had been different in Natsuki's behavior. She seemed more nervous around Shizuru, and she blushed a lot more easily. There was a niggling fear in the back of Shizuru's mind that maybe she'd pushed Natsuki too far, and the girl had finally broken and run today. It would serve her right if it had happened. Natsuki had been clear about her feelings, and yet she still pushed. She could have just been imagining that Natsuki was giving in and starting to feel the same type of sexual tension around her that she did.
But it would have just been too cruel for Natsuki to disappear on Shizuru's birthday. However uncomfortable she might have been, she still did care for Shizuru, and she would never hurt her like this. That left one possibility: Natsuki was waiting inside Shizuru's house to surprise her. Shizuru had cut her friend a spare key a while back, so she would be able to get inside. However, she hadn't noticed Natsuki's bike anywhere when she'd driven in. It made her appearance inside a bit more unlikely, but not impossible; she could have hidden it or taken a taxi to help with the surprise.
Shizuru made a silent resolution to herself as she got out of her car. She was going to trust Natsuki. Either the girl was going to be inside waiting to surprise her, or she'd have a very good reason for not showing up today. Natsuki wouldn't disappear on her birthday for anything less. Still, she hoped that Natsuki would be inside. She silently prayed that she'd find the girl waiting for her as she entered the door to her house.
Shizuru wasn't blessed with the sight of Natsuki's adorable face as she opened the door, but she did see something that allayed all of her concerns. On the door of the closet, across the hall from where she'd entered, she saw a letter taped up. The handwriting was easily recognizable as Natsuki's. So, whatever the girl was up to, she hadn't forgotten. Shizuru released a sigh of relief as she approached the note to read it.
Happy birthday, Shizuru!
I'm sorry I didn't come to your party, but I really wanted to surprise you tonight. This is your first birthday since we really became close after the Carnival, and I really wanted to make it special for you. I thought a lot about what present I could give you, but there was really only one thing that I knew you wanted. You want me.
I'll be honest here, Shizuru. You've really worn down all my defenses in the months since I learned about your feelings. When we first met, I was terrified of getting into a close relationship with anyone at all. I swore never to trust anyone again. But you just ignored that and waltzed your way into my heart and became my best friend before I realized it. I'm still terrified of romance, to be honest, but I can hear you knocking at the door to my heart, begging to be let in.
I really have no idea what I feel for you now, Shizuru, or even what I could feel. I don't know if I could ever love another girl, but if I could, then it would definitely be you. I am feeling something weird for you, but I don't know what it is. It's nothing like what I feel for Mai, so it's not simply friendship. But that alone doesn't mean that it's love, or at least the type of love you want.
What I am sure of is that I care for you, and I want you to be happy. I want to be able to give you what you want most. I want to be able to figure out my own damn feelings, to break past this fear. So, for tonight, for your birthday, I'm going to give you what you want most. Tonight, Shizuru, I'm yours. You can do whatever you've fantasized about doing with me, and I'll go along with it without complaint. Hopefully I'll even enjoy it. Either way, I should be able to figure things out for myself, and in the worst case, I'll still have at least given you one night of what you craved most.
I'm still afraid, Shizuru. So afraid that I couldn't trust myself not to chicken out when you got here, so I had to write all of this down in advance. But keep this in mind: I'm not afraid of you, Shizuru, or what you might do to me. I'm afraid of myself, and what I might feel. But I need to face this fear now. Don't let me turn back from this. I'll be in your bedroom waiting for you, whenever you're ready. Just… please be gentle.
Natsuki nervously rocked back and forth on the bed as she knew Shizuru was reading her letter. Part of her mind was telling her that she was absolutely insane for doing this. She had little idea just how dark Shizuru's fantasies really got, and she was now giving her friend carte blanche to use and abuse her body as she saw fit. She'd never even let her friend see her naked before, and she was suddenly going this far?
Then another part of her mind – the part that had narrowly won out her internal argument earlier – would argue back that she'd tried wading into things and gotten pretty much nowhere, causing plenty of pain and frustration for both her and Shizuru. She just had to jump into the deep end, get past all of her fears, so she could know where she truly stood. Besides, she really did like Shizuru, and she wanted her friend to be happy. Shizuru's happiness on her birthday was worth whatever discomfort she might face in getting over her modesty and giving her body up to the girl.
But then her mind argued back, this wasn't just an issue of modesty. This was big. This was sex – her first time. She was giving her virginity up to Shizuru as a birthday present, and she didn't even know if she loved the girl yet. Shouldn't she be in love first, and then think about sex?
Or maybe she already was in love, and she just couldn't admit it to herself. Love was said to make people crazy, and this certainly seemed crazy enough. Maybe her subconscious mind had already figured this out and had pushed her into this decision in order to prove this to her conscious mind. Besides, she'd already decided that she wouldn't regret it if her first time were with Shizuru. Shizuru was deeply in love with her, and she knew that she at least loved Shizuru as a friend. She couldn't picture anyone else she'd rather do this with.
She could, on the other hand, picture going through with this with Shizuru. It wasn't even that hard to picture. Her modesty did fight with her a little, but it had lost a lot of its power over her recently. The entire scenario had gotten itself lodged into her mind, and she couldn't shake it loose. Did that mean she really wanted it? Was that why she'd decided to go through with it?
The sound of footsteps from the hall interrupted Natsuki's inner debate. Natsuki's heart leaped to her throat as she realized that it was actually happening. Shizuru was coming, and she'd read Natsuki's note. What would she do when she came in? Would she pounce on her right away, or would she take things slowly? Or would she think that the whole thing was silly and just laugh and tease Natsuki about it until she blushed herself to death?
Ugh, that would be worse than her pouncing on me. Please, Shizuru. No teasing about this, Natsuki silently begged. She repeated the "no teasing" prayer in her head until she saw Shizuru walk into the room. "Shizuru…" she said nervously, a blush immediately rising to face as the full weight of the situation hit her.
Shizuru was silent as she walked up to the bed, so Natsuki tried to glean insight into her state of mind by reading her face. With Shizuru, it was always a difficult task, but there was definitely something different about her expression now. It reminded her of one she'd seen on the girl's face after she'd kissed her near the end of the Carnival. Pleasantly surprised? Flattered? At least it wasn't her teasing face, and she hadn't yet jumped on Natsuki, so those were the two most frightening possibilities eliminated.
"Natsuki…" Shizuru purred as she came to sit down on the bed beside Natsuki. She put a hand on Natsuki's knee and gave the girl a smile that nearly made her melt. Natsuki didn't know what it was about that particular smile that did it to her – she'd never seen Shizuru give it to anyone else, and it always made a strange warmth swell up in her chest. She waited for a moment as she entranced Natsuki under her gaze before she continued. "Just the thought that you're trying so hard to figure things out is the best birthday present you could ever give me."
Natsuki could feel the blush on her face deepening, but thankfully Shizuru didn't comment on it. Not trusting herself to talk, she just gave a stiff nod to Shizuru.
Something seemed to soften in Shizuru's expression. She moved her hand up to gently cup Natsuki's cheek, causing another burst of heat to flood through it from her deepening blush. "Natsuki is so beautiful," Shizuru murmured.
Natsuki's heart seemed to be pounding in her ears now, and she was sure that her face was pushing the limits of turning purple. She was completely under Shizuru's grasp. Even if she hadn't promised her friend to let her do whatever she wanted, she didn't know if she'd be able to resist now. When Shizuru's face started to move closer to her own, very tentatively, as if waiting to make sure there was no sign of hesitation on Natsuki's part, all Natsuki could think of to do was to lick her lips to make sure they were nice and soft for when they met Shizuru's.
But the contact wasn't to come. Shizuru paused in her approach, and she nervously bit her lips. After a moment in which Natsuki felt herself being freed a bit from the girl's enchantment, Shizuru spoke. "I'm sorry. I just can't push Natsuki into anything she isn't ready for," she said, an apologetic smile creeping across her face.
As the realization that Shizuru wasn't going to go any further with this struck Natsuki, a surge of emotion welled up in her. It wasn't relief, as she might have expected, but disappointment. She didn't stop to think too much on it – she did not want to get back into that mental debate – so she just let instinct drive her in the words she let pour out of her mouth. "No. I'm pushing myself, Shizuru, and I wouldn't be doing that if I weren't as ready as I can get. Stop worrying about me. This is your birthday. Today, just take what you want. Take me."
Shizuru looked deep into her eyes for many long moments, as if she were trying to read the inside of her mind. "Natsuki really wants this?" she said at last.
Want? I guess I'm ready… but do I want this? Natsuki looked back into Shizuru's eyes, and part of an answer occurred to her. I want Shizuru to have this, at least. But me? Eventually, she let out a sigh. Might as well just voice her thoughts to Shizuru; maybe she could help figure it out. "I've never been sure about my own emotions, my own wants. But I haven't been able to get this out of my head since it occurred to me a couple weeks ago. I've been having constant dreams of giving myself up to you, and it isn't scaring me at all, like facing my own emotions does. If that means I want it, then… I guess…"
Shizuru's face held an expression Natsuki had never seen before. There was a slight blush on her cheeks, and her eyes looked like they might be on the verge of tears. She nodded her head slowly, and she cautiously said, "If Natsuki thinks she wants this… then kiss me."
She wants me to initiate it? Natsuki had thought this would all be a lot easier if she just let Shizuru take over. She hadn't planned on taking much of an active role tonight. But apparently Shizuru needed at least this to prove that she was ready. Taking a deep breath to steel herself and nervously licking her lips once again, Natsuki tentatively started to move her head towards Shizuru's. She allowed her eyes to drift closed and her head to tilt to the side as she prepared herself for the moment of contact.
It came sooner than she'd expected, and a torrent of sensations immediately rushed through her body and mind as Shizuru's lips met her own. She didn't know if Shizuru had moved in on her own when her eyes had closed or what, but her mind couldn't focus on questions like that. Her world consisted only of Shizuru's lips and her own. She didn't even think of moving her lips; just feeling the soft, sweet texture of Shizuru's as they fit together so perfectly was enough.
Natsuki's body seemed to be in an uproar as this happened. An indescribable aching had filled her chest. Waves of heat seemed to radiate from her heart, which was beating rapidly and fiercely. The kiss seemed to be digging at the barriers in her heart, and something that just might have been joy – it certainly felt good enough – was leaking out. A little, embarrassingly girlish voice in the back of her mind started cheering with glee that she was sharing her first real kiss with Shizuru, and she didn't have the heart to silence it.
The euphoria of simply experiencing the kiss started to give way to a desire to explore more sensations. Natsuki really wasn't sure what she was supposed to do to in a kiss like this, but she knew she wanted to feel more of the velvety texture of Shizuru's lips, and she couldn't do that if her lips remained still.
Natsuki tentatively softened the pressure of the kiss so she could move her lips around a bit. She dragged her lips slowly back and forth over Shizuru's, allowing her to revel in their soft feeling. This action caused Shizuru to let out a soft moan of pleasure. Natsuki didn't think she'd ever heard the restrained, graceful girl let out such a carnal sign of pleasure before. The sound of it, along with the thought that she was able to break through the girl's barriers, was quite intoxicating.
Her actions seemed to give Shizuru an idea, and it wasn't long before the girl reciprocated Natsuki's motions. Her enthusiasm grew quickly, and it was only a matter of seconds before she overwhelmed Natsuki in the kiss. Her hands crept around to the back of Natsuki's head to pull her tightly against her mouth. Rather than being put off, Natsuki took it as a relief that with Shizuru taking over, she didn't have to worry about being the one to push things forward anymore. She just allowed herself to relax and react as Shizuru controlled the pace of the kiss.
Natsuki quickly came to the conclusion that Shizuru was an amazing kisser. All the need she'd felt in her chest previously was building up now, and her body was filled with a pleasurable warmth. It was as if she were becoming drunk on Shizuru. The girl was filling a long-empty void in her heart. She wanted Shizuru. She wanted to give herself completely to her friend, to allow her to dig her way into her heart and soul and give her the fulfillment she'd lacked for so long.
A surge of passion arose in Natsuki at this realization. She wrapped her own arms around Shizuru and fought back against Shizuru's enthusiastic kissing with her own. She was soon matching Shizuru's enthusiasm with her own, allowing all of her emotions to pour out into the girl. A torrent of pleasured moans and squeaks made their way out of her mouth as she lost all of her inhibitions. Instead of letting herself be embarrassed, she welcomed these noises as another way for Shizuru to know how much she was enjoying this.
Unfortunately, a pressing biological need brought their kiss to an end. In all of her enthusiasm for the kiss, Natsuki wasn't able to gather enough breath to keep up her energy, and her lungs started to beg for air. Shizuru seemed to be in the same trouble, and she made no complaint when Natsuki tilted her forehead forward against Shizuru's to pry her mouth back and give it some much needed breathing room.
After a couple deep breaths, Natsuki allowed her eyes to open and look into Shizuru's. Her friend looked just as worn out from their kiss as she felt, but her eyes held a definite smile within them. Natsuki had never taken a chance to gaze this closely into them, and she had to note that they were by far the most beautiful set of eyes she'd ever seen.
"Ara…" Shizuru started to say as she caught her breath. "I think Natsuki enjoyed that as much as I did." There was a distinct sound of happiness in her voice, her glee restrained only by her oxygen-deprived state. Natsuki suspected that she'd meet the full force of it soon, when Shizuru had a chance to recover.
"I did, Shizuru," she said. She was doing a bit better with recovering her breath. Although Shizuru was no slouch in combat, she hadn't dedicated herself to it as Natsuki had, so she was still a bit behind in recovering her endurance now. Natsuki continued, "I know I want this now. Take me, Shizuru. I'm yours." No hesitation made its way into her voice. She couldn't even find a trace of it buried in her mind. Everything finally seemed so clear.
Shizuru's eyes filled with desire, and Natsuki braced herself. She knew that as soon as Shizuru had gotten her energy back, she'd waste no further time in pouncing on her. She'd already made Shizuru wait far too many months. She'd surely be anxious to get on with things now that there was nothing holding her back.
Natsuki saw the flash of intent in Shizuru's eyes a moment before the girl pounced on her. But it wasn't the type of assault she'd been expecting. Instead of pinning her back on the bed so she could go to work from on top, Shizuru had gripped her in a tight hug as she pushed the girl down. "Ara…! Thank you so much Natsuki!" she said into Natsuki's ear. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is the best birthday present you could have ever given me!"
Okay… Natsuki was stunned by the sudden outburst of giddiness from Shizuru. She guessed she could understand it; it only made sense that she'd be quite happy to learn that Natsuki was capable of loving her back the way she wanted – even if she wasn't quite at the point of being able to say the words yet. But it still seemed just wrong to see Shizuru – who was known for nothing better than being graceful and serene under everything up to and including Haruka's rants – letting her emotions pour out like this.
As the shock wore off, Natsuki decided she'd simply look at it as being sweet that Shizuru was dropping her usual mask with her. She hesitantly wrapped her arms around Shizuru to return the hug. "You're… um, welcome, Shizuru," she said. "But uh…" A blush rose to her face, but she pushed through it to get the words out she'd intended. "The present… isn't over yet… you know…"
"Ara…" Shizuru said with a little chuckle. "Natsuki said I could have whatever I wanted from her, and I've gotten it. I know that Natsuki really is able to love me as I love her, and she knows it too. That's exactly what I wanted most. I can't ask for anything more."
"But… um… if you want more…" Natsuki said. Why do I keep pushing for this? she wondered. Do I want it for myself that much? A burning need in Natsuki's chest rose up to answer that question, and the blush on her face deepened at the thought. Damn it… I'm more perverted than Shizuru…
Shizuru loosened her hug a bit and pulled back so she could look at Natsuki's face. Her own face was plastered with a huge grin unlike anything Natsuki had seen on her before. "If it's okay with Natsuki, I think I'm already overloaded with glee tonight. I don't think I could take much more. For now, I just want to cuddle with and kiss my Natsuki all night long."
Even though Shizuru was asking her to give less than she'd intended, Natsuki still couldn't resist the look in her eyes. "Alright, Shizuru, we can do that if that's what you want. It's your birthday after all."
Natsuki wouldn't have thought it would be possible, but Shizuru's grin grew even wider. "Thank you, Natsuki." After a moment of gazing happily at Natsuki, a mischievous glint appeared in Shizuru's eyes. "Though if Natsuki still can't get that particular fantasy out of her head, Christmas is coming up in just a few days…"
Natsuki couldn't stop the blush from creeping to her face, or the protest of "Shizuru!" that slipped from her mouth. A little voice in the back of her mind reminded her, however, that she still hadn't found a Christmas present for Shizuru, and it promptly went off to fantasize about how she could best give herself as a present.
The mischievous glint in Shizuru's eyes seemed to double in intensity. The part of Natsuki which still didn't appreciate her teasing – which was growing smaller all the time as she started to appreciate how it was one of Shizuru's ways of showing her affection – started to dread what was coming. "Tell me," Shizuru said. "Is Natsuki still mine?"
"Er… yeah," Natsuki said, wondering what she was getting herself into. She wasn't going to lie, though. "And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon."
"Then Natsuki wouldn't mind if I labeled her as such?"
"Labeled?" A vision flashed through Natsuki's mind of her walking through school with a big "Shizuru's" stamped on her forehead, blushing profusely with every glance at her from passers-by. "Er… um… I don't know…"
"Ara," the smile didn't seem to fade at all from Shizuru's face. She'd probably been expecting this reaction. "Then I'll just have to do it in a place where only Natsuki will know it's there."
Before Natsuki could wrap her mind around what was happening, Shizuru had sat back up and was straddling her as her hands worked to undo the top few buttons of Natsuki's blouse. Natsuki's blush started to spread down through her chest as it came into Shizuru's view, prompting a happy giggle from the girl.
When her blouse was open enough to expose the tops of Natsuki's bra-clad breasts to Shizuru, the girl dove her head down to start slathering the tender flesh at the top of Natsuki's left breast with licks and kisses. The sudden bursts of pleasure took over Natsuki's mind, and she completely forgot about Shizuru's plans of labeling her as she threw her head back to let out a moan.
Shizuru seemed to settle on one particularly tender spot and she started to kiss it deeply. Pleasure radiated from the spot of her kiss, and Natsuki let out a deep moan. Even as Shizuru started to suck hard on the spot, the pain this elicited was mixed inextricably with pleasure. Natsuki didn't know how to describe it, really. There was pain, definitely, but it was enjoyable pain, like the aching Shizuru had caused her to feel in her chest earlier.
Eventually, Shizuru released her suction on Natsuki's breast. She pulled her head back to observe her handiwork. After a few seconds, a smile crossed her face. "Perfect. Now Natsuki is properly mine."
Natsuki's mind finally came back to remembering Shizuru's promise to "label" her. She tilted her head up to get a look at the spot on the top of her breast where Shizuru had kissed her. A dark red mark was already there, and it seemed to be slowly darkening and growing as she watched. At the realization, she threw her head back down onto the bed with a sigh. A hickey. Of course. I really should have seen that one coming.
"Ara? Is something wrong, Natsuki?" Shizuru crawled back up over Natsuki so she could look into her face.
"No…" Natsuki allowed a small smile to tug at her lips to make sure Shizuru knew she was telling the truth. "You can just be so silly sometimes, you know that?"
"I'm silly? Who's the one who tried to give herself to me before we'd even shared our first kiss?"
Natsuki struggled for a moment, but she didn't have a good answer for that one. In lieu of a snappy comeback, she decided she'd get even with Shizuru for her previous tease. Before Shizuru had a chance to figure out her intentions and stop her, Natsuki had flipped the girl over onto her back and set to work making sure Shizuru was properly labeled as hers.
Author's Note: That's all for this chapter. Sorry if I got your hopes up a bit for seeing something more here, but it just wasn't in how the characters were reacting, Natsuki's original intent notwithstanding. I just didn't think Shizuru could go that far right away; she just worries too much about Natsuki being ready (despite the excuse she gave out loud). Of course, I did mention there would be a second chapter, so expect a belated Christmas special as well. ;)