Of Mechs and Men
AN: One warning: Never ever, under any circumstances take this fic seriously. Ever.
Chapter One: Insert Typical Human Name Here
"Oh yeah, that's a wicked disguise you've got on there, Mr Wave," Starscream said. His ruby-like optics darted up and down the blue mech's frame as he attempted to hold back fits of laughter. For, Soundwave had attempted to disguise himself by putting on a fake moustache, a large pair of lens-less spectacles, and a giant fake human-like nose. Other than that, well, he really just looked like Soundwave in a silly getup. And Starscream was taking immense pleasure in this, of course.
Megatron, supreme lord of the Decepticons, rolled his optics and growled menacingly.
"Silence, Screamer, or I'll send you to the scrapheap."
"Oh you always say that but you never do it," Starscream retorted with a smirk. "I'm too pretty."
"Slag him to the pit, he's right…" Megatron thought.
"Disguise; perfect. Autobots; morons," Soundwave pointed out in his monotone voice.
"He has a point actually," Starscream said. The Air Commander sighed and leaned on the conference desk, placing his chin in his hands. "So, how are you going to lure the little yellow Autobot out of the base?" he asked.
"Your suggestion from earlier," Soundwave replied.
"Ah, good. He'll fall for it, I'm sure. Like you said; he's an idiot," Starscream said, his ego expanding to the size of a small moon.
"And what if he doesn't fall for it?" Megatron asked.
"He will," Starscream said.
"If he doesn't I'll-"
"Send me to the scrapheap, I know, I know," Starscream droned, waving his hand and rolling his optics.
Soundwave turned to leave for his mission, prepared to leave the two Decepticons to squabble as they always did.
"Oh wait, Soundwave!" Starscream called.
"Yes?" Soundwave asked. He turned back to face the red seeker, who jogged to catch up with him as Megatron stalked out of the room muttering about "the good old days back on Cybertron".
"One more thing before you leave…" Starscream muttered. He reached into his subspace and pulled out a small spy camera.
"Shall I plant a camera in the Autobots' base?" Soundwave asked.
"No, I want to take a picture of you looking like this or TC and 'Warp'll never believe me!" Starscream said. He held up the camera and took a photo before turning on his heel and leaving.
Soundwave sighed and shook his head.
Bumblebee skipped happily through The Ark, humming a cheerful tune. His bright blue optics glowed with joy as he turned a corner into the command centre, where Ratchet was yelling at Wheeljack again.
"It's not my fault it blew up!" Wheeljack cried as Ratchet held a scalpel to his face.
"Yes it is! It's always your fault! Everything is your fault!" Ratchet growled.
Bumblebee ignored their routine argument and carried on in his happy skipping. He passed Skyfire on his way out of the base. The large mech was sitting by a window and writing on a datapad. As he passed, Bumblebee caught Skyfire whispering to himself as he wrote;
"My love for you is never-ending, my perfect seeker. Oh, how I wish you would throw down your Decepticon insignia and fly away with me…"
Bumblebee stopped and watched as Sunstreaker and Sideswipe creeped up behind Skyfire, peeked at what he had written and grabbed the datapad from his hands.
"Daw, Sky's writing poetry again!" Sunstreaker yelled, running as the larger 'bot attempted to grab the pad out of his hands.
"Shut up! You don't understand! None of you understand!" Skyfire cried.
"Just a normal day in the Autobot base…" Bumblebee thought to himself as he began skipping again.
"I'm gonna tell Optimuuuuussss!" Sideswipe cooed to Skyfire as Bumblebee rounded a corner.
Ironhide ran past, shooting wildly at nothing in particular.
"Stupid holograms! I know you're hiding up there somewhere! Come out and fight like real warriors!" the red 'bot screamed. Hound came from around the corner, calling out to the deranged Autobot.
"I didn't even use any holograms! What the frag is wrong with you?"
Bumblebee shrugged and headed for The Ark's entrance, intending to go and skip around outside amongst the flowers and the butterflies and do other retarded things like that. Because he's Bumblebee.
As the doors slid open, Bumblebee saw the rolling valleys, filled with luscious green grass. Little bunny rabbits bounced happily through the fields, their peculiar ears twitching, birds soared through the skies, butterflies fluttered through the flowerbeds, and a tall, blue thing with a moustache, a pair of glasses and a very odd nose was standing next to a tree and gesturing to him.
Bumblebee looked at the thing. It looked like a mech, but mechs didn't have moustaches and noses like that. And mechs didn't need to wear glasses.
"Wait a second…" Bumblebee thought as his optics strayed to the "mech's" hand. His blue optics sparkled like gems as he saw what the "mech" was holding.
"Haribo!" Bumblebee shrieked. He jumped up and down and clapped his hands joyously. "Haribo! Haribo! Optimus never lets me have Haribo! Can I have some Haribo, Mister?" he asked.
The stranger nodded and held the brightly coloured bag of sweets up. Bumblebee rushed over and jammed some cola bottles and heart sweets into his mouth. He grinned.
"Thanks, Mister!" he chirped.
Then he noticed that he had been picked up and placed over the stranger's shoulder. Then, he noticed that he was being carried away from The Ark. THEN he thought that something might just be fishy about this situation.
"Hey, Mister, where are you taking me?" Bumblebee asked.
"Autobot; silent. Eat delicious typical human sweets," the stranger said.
"You sound kind of familiar…" Bumblebee muttered. He squinted as his tiny CPU searched his memory banks.
"We have never met before. I do not know what you are talking about. My name is Insert Typical Human Name Here. I am a typical human. There is nothing strange about me. I am a typical human."
"Oh, okay!" Bumblebee said. He tipped the rest of the Haribo into his mouth and watched the scenery roll past.
After a while, Bumblebee found himself being carried to a large body of water.
"That looks a bit like where the Decepticons' base is!" he pointed out happily.
"It is not the Decepticons' base. You are mistaken. It is a typical human house. For I am Insert Typical Human Name Here, a typical human, and I live in a typical human house, like all typical humans do."
"Wow, and I thought humans couldn't breath underwater!" Bumblebee said. "Are there any more sweets in your typical human house, Insert Typical Human Name Here?"