Summary: This is sort of an homage to 'all things', an episode of 'The X-Files' which was written and directed by Gillian Anderson. In this fic, Addison contemplates her life.
"Thanks" go out to Kedda and Agent Extremis for helping me sort out my thoughts and words and punctuation ;-)
Okay you all, this is my first fanfic attempt. So please be brutally honest, otherwise I'll never know what works and what doesn't. Thanks. :-)
DISCLAIMER: I wish I could take credit for the characters, especially Addison, but she belongs to Shonda and the fabulous Kate Walsh.
'all things' belongs to Gillian Anderson,Chris Carter and company. No infringement intended on any.
"All things" by AgentAddek
It had been a pretty hectic day at Oceanside Wellness today and the day was finally coming to an end. Addison was trying to rush home, hoping that she wouldn't be stuck in traffic...traffic from Santa Monica to Malibu could be a bitch sometimes, and she had to get home to set things up for the get-together tonight. Get-togethers were becoming a thing with her new friends, they would trade off every other week and it was her turn to host. Addison knew that Naomi would be coming over a little early to help her out, so she had to call her to remind her about the key, just incase she got there before she did. She dialed and it went straight to voicemail.
"Hey Nay it's me, just wanted to let you know that if I'm not home when you get there, the key is inside the plant that's by the left side of the door. Let yourself in. See you in a bit."
After battling traffic for what seemed like forever, Addison had finally arrived home. She noticed Naomi's car was in her driveway and was hoping that she had gotten her message. Sure enough she walked up to her door which had been unlocked and walked past her living room and set her purse down. Addison went straight to the kitchen and saw Naomi already starting to get the appetizers ready.
"Hey Nay, thanks so much for helping me out. It took me longer than expected, traffic was wretched" said Addison.
"Oh don't worry about it, I wanted to get here before everyone else anyways, I wanted to speak with you." At this Addison raised her eyebrow and looked at Naomi, waiting to see what this was all about.
Naomi started heading towards the deck with a few appetizers in hand and Addison followed with a few bottles of wine. As they were setting the table Naomi having set the plates down, sat down and waved Addison over to do the same.
"What's this about Nay?" Addison said with a little concern in her voice. Addison sat down next to Naomi and started biting down on her lower lip, she didn't know what Naomi wanted to talk about but she had a feeling that it was serious.
Naomi had sensed for the past few weeks that something was bothering Addison. She knew that she wanted to talk about something but couldn't bring herself to do it. So Naomi being the good friend she is, decided to give her a little shove to open up.
"Addison, I need you talk to me, but I mean really talk to me" said Naomi. At this Addison was a bit confused.
"What do you mean really talk to you, I talk to you everyday" Addison was a bit perplexed by this.
"Look Addison, yes you talk to me but you also don't really talk. Everything you talk about is just regular day-to-day stuff, like the weather, work, movies, clothes...regular girl talk stuff...but you haven't said a word to me about what happened between you and Derek. What made you beg me to give you this job?, why were you so insistent on getting far away from Seattle and making it into a do-not-bring-up topic? You have been here how long? 7 months?"
"8 months actually" Addison replied, a bit flustered about where this conversation was headed.
"Addison, I love you, you know that right?" Naomi asked.
Addison nodded in return.
"Well then, as your friend, I feel I can be honest with you and tell you that you have to talk about what happened with you, Derek, and Mark, but I don't wanna feel like I am breaking this wall that you have built. I want you to confide in me Addie, I want you to trust me enough to help me help you with this burden you have been carrying around."
Naomi stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts, then continued "Addie, you said you wanted to move here to get a fresh start. You said you wanted to get away from the constant reminder of your past mistakes. But how can you move on when you haven't faced your demons?"
Addison listened intently, letting her friend's concerned words sink in.
Naomi got the feeling that she was starting to get through, and that Addy might
finally be ready to open up and talk to her about everything.
"Look I know that you rather just forget it all and move on, and to an extent you have played that part very well. But Addie I know you, you can be a great actress when you want to be, but even now you are letting your past dictate your future. Maybe not always but I notice things here and there."
Naomi paused and looked up at her friend, she studied Addison's face and was shocked to see all the different emotions playing across her face. She felt certain that she had gotten through to her.
Addison stared at Naomi a bit dumbfounded that her friend picked up on the overwhelming feelings she had been having for the past few weeks. It wasn't that she was unhappy, she just had all of these thoughts and feelings floating around and felt that she couldn't share them with anyone. She had been afraid that people might think it was crazy that she was still so caught up in a marriage that ended almost a year and a half ago, and that she was partly to blame for. She now knew she was wrong, and she felt this relief come over her when she realized that this was her chance to just let it all out. Without fear of being judged or yelled at. She could finally tell her side of the story without anyone having preconceived notions of her, no one thinking that she was "An Adulteress Bitch". Addison let out a breath that she didn't realize she had been holding.
Naomi leaned over and squeezed Addison's hand to encourage her to go ahead and start opening up.
"I have been in Los Angeles for almost 8 months now and things are really starting to come together. Who would have thought that I Addison Forbes Montgomery would actually come back from what seemed to be the worst two years of my life. "
"I never doubted that you would Addie, you are one of the strongest women I know" Naomi interjected.
"Thank you for the vote of confidence." Addison smiled. "Nay, I have many regrets in my life, but my biggest regret is cheating on my husband. I had my reasons for doing what I did, I know, I know it doesn't justify what I did but I was lonely and my husband kept pushing me in the direction of someone else.
I was invisible to Derek for so long, so I did one of the most desperate things that I could have ever done, I slept with our best friend, Mark."
Addison paused, leaned over to grab two wine glasses for herself and Naomi, and poured some red wine. Liquid courage she thought.
Addison continued "Thinking about it now, I realize that all things happen for a reason, right?" Addison questioned, more to herself than to Naomi.
Naomi knew how hard it was for Addison to recall this pain again, but she also felt that Addie seemed different somehow.
"I mean we make mistakes to learn and grow from them. We go through life experiences to prepare us for things to come. I read or heard something somewhere that 'Time passes in moments...moments which, rushing past define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed. But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path'
Makes you think huh?? "
Addison leaned back in her chair, taking a sip of her wine. Letting the words that she said sit a bit with Naomi. Naomi nodded, letting her know that she understood, so Addison began to speak again.
"And now that my life is what it is, that introspective quote seems sort of fitting. You see, I never thought I would end up here in this very moment. I had my life planned out, I knew what I wanted, I actually had everything that I wanted, but I still wasn't happy. To the outside world, Derek and Addison were the perfect couple. I mean we were, still are, the best surgeons in our fields. I don't mean to brag , or to come off as pompous, but it's just a fact. We had the perfect house, the perfect vacation home in the Hamptons, and we looked great together. But what no one knew, was that we were falling apart as a couple. We barely even noticed. We were so focused on our careers, always trying to out do the work we had done before. Derek just became obsessed. I mean I was obsessed myself at one point but I started missing my husband. I wanted to spend time with the man that I loved, so I pulled back from work a bit, to try and reconnect with Derek, but he was completely immersed in his work and didn't notice, or didn't care to notice, that our marriage had taken a back seat to his career."
Addison took another sip of her wine, taking in all the emotions that were taking over her being and finally succumbing to them. A tear streamed down her face.
"I tried Nay, I mean I really really did try to make it work with Derek. I even thought that I could understand him better since I'm a surgeon too. I started making the extra effort, you know, setting up reservations for romantic dinners, getting tickets to the theater, making plans to do things that I knew he enjoyed doing, but he would always have some surgery that he couldn't get away from,
so he would send Mark in his place, telling me that there was no reason why I shouldn't still go and enjoy myself without him."
Addison stopped, the memory of this still noticeably upsetting to her.
"Then it just spiraled out of control, he was no longer just standing me up for romantic evenings, he started standing me up on special occasions, like my birthday, holidays with our families, charity events and ultimately the one that hurt me the most, our anniversary. He didn't even apoligize, he just stop trying. He completely gave up on us Nay, and any time that I tried bringing it up, he would just ignore me, dismissing me with a "Not now, Addie".
So one stupid lonely night I invited Mark into my bed", Addison whispered, still guilt-striken by her weak moment.
"And on that night my husband actually decided to come home instead of staying in one of the on-call rooms at the hospital, like he had done for the past few months." Tears were freely streaming down her face now she hugged herself, Naomi leaned over to soothe her a bit. Naomi knew that Addison needed to get this out once and for all so she nodded at her to continue.
"I must admit that part of me wanted him to see me being wanted by another man, being touched by someone other than him, I wanted him to feel jealousy, to fight for me, but when I saw the look in his eyes I regretted ever thinking it, especially doing what I was doing at that very moment. I literally saw him break in front of me Nay, the man that I loved more than life itself, broke in front of me. Can you imagine what it feels like to look into the eyes of someone you absolutely love with your heart, body, and soul and see the look of betrayal, the hatred, the disgust?
I didn't know what to do except beg, beg him to forgive me, to give me a chance to explain, to make this right, but he just walked away, he didn't fight for me, he just left me."
Addison looked towards the ocean, closing her eyes to feel the breeze hit her face, to hear the ocean waves clashing on the shore.
"To this day I still don't know what came over me that night. The only thing that I feel pushed me to sleep with Mark, is the fact that I just wanted to feel alive. I had slowing been dying a little each day when I realized that my husband no longer loved me. Mark offered me a way to feel something. I knew he wanted me, he had for a long time, so I just gave in to see if he could help numb the pain that was slowing eating away at me each day. It wasn't one of my brightest moments, but that is all said and done now, and no matter how many times I apologize, or how many times I want to wish it away, it happened, and I have to live with the fact that I had a hand in ending my 12 year marriage." Addison paused again, preparing herself to dive into the drama that was Seattle.
"I stayed with Mark, I stayed with him after Derek left me. I kept telling myself that if I ruined my marriage for a one night stand I would never forgive myself. So I stayed and tried to have a relationship with Mark."
Addison shaked her head, thinking back to that time in her life now makes her feel foolish for staying with a man she wasn't in love with. I mean, sure, she loved Mark, he was her best friend, he took care of her when Derek wasn't there, he picked her up when she was down.
"Mark was a little light at the end of a very dark tunnel, so I made myself think that this could work, and I eventually ended up getting pregnant. Of course Mark is Mark and he cheated on me, so not wanting have a child with this man in the first place, I went and had an abortion. On my way home after the procedure I got a call from Richard. He said that he had a case that he needed my expertise on and wanted me to fly out to Seattle immediately. Then he said that Derek was there in Seattle, that he had been there for three months."
She laughed a bit to herself, the hurt still obvious.
"Three months Nay, three months of not hearing anything from Derek. I called him constantly, left messages but heard nothing, and he had been in Seattle the whole time. I couldn't help but think 'that asshole!'.
That wasn't the only thing Richard wanted to tell me. I knew there was more so I waited for him to continue, and that's when I stopped breathing, he said that Derek was involved with an intern there in the hospital, Meredith Grey. I couldn't believe it, the nerve to leave me for cheating on him and then he turned around and got into a relationship himself."
Addison chuckled a bit at this point, thinking to herself, 'Only in my life', Seriously!
"So I told Richard I would fly out that very afternoon and to expect me at Seattle Grace the next morning. I went home, packed up and went to the airport. In retrospect, I should have said something to Mark, I shouldn't have just left. I kept trying to call Derek to warn him that I was coming out to Seattle. I was determined to go there, take care of the patient, give Derek the divorce papers that I had drawn up two weeks after he left, and finally get closure.
Nay I was ready to let him go, I really was, I had been preparing myself for that past three months."
Addison paused for a moment to fill their glasses again.
"So I arrived at Seattle that evening and it was still early, so I decided I would go see Richard since he was still recuperating. As I walked in through the sliding door, I saw Derek, but he wasn't alone...he was there adjusting another women's coat."
Addison closed her eyes, even now she still feels the pain she felt that day.
"I walked towards them, and he gave me this look like he'd just been punched in the stomach, and I suddenly realized that this woman he's with, has no idea that her world is gonna be rocked. As I walked towards them, I kept looking at this woman and thinking to myself, what did Derek see in this woman?, she's a twig with blonde straw-like hair, not really that pretty. Then it dawned on me that she was the complete opposite of me, that Derek was trying to get as far away from me as possible."
As Addison paused and glanced at sky, Naomi shook her head and thought to herself how crazy Derek must have been to let Addison go.
"So I walked up and he's like, 'Addison what are you doing here?'
I, being a little annoyed by this, responded 'Well you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls.'
Meredith just stood there, staring back and forth between us, so I decided to put an end to her reeling little mind. I turned to her and said, 'Hi, I am Addison Shepherd.'
Poor thing, she was so confused, she looked at Derek, then at me, hoping that it wasn't what she was thinking.
'Shepherd?' she said, and I turned to her, shook her hand and said very matter--of-factly, 'And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband.'
Obviously she was floored with this information and she ran off. Derek tried to stop her, to no avail, and then he came back to talk to me, and said in so many words, that he wanted nothing to with me or so he said."
Naomi chuckled to herself. She was a little floored by the introduction that Addison had just described to her. She could picture her friend walking into the hospital in all her New Yorker glory, red curls bouncing around her, probably dressed in black, head to toe in Prada attire, and her signature Christian Louboutin pumps.
"Nay, you should have seen how everybody looked at me, they hated me!
I was the wicked witch of west stomping on Meredith Grey's dreams. It didn't help that Derek was being an immature ass and kept referring to me as 'Satan' or 'The Adulteress Bitch'.
I could tell that he just wanted to be with the perfect 12 year old and I just couldn't figure out why. I mean, I know what I did, but I really didn't see what all the fuss was about, what was so damn special about Meredith Grey?."
The memory of all of this still noticeably upset Addison, so Naomi reached over and squeezed her hand again in support to continue.
"A few days later, I felt like I broke through to him. I was in the NICU with a patient, who by all medical accounts should not be alive. I wanted to try a procedure that could give her a fighting chance and I needed Derek to look at her labs. He did that and right away dismissed it, saying that 'she was too far gone, I had to let it go, let her go in peace' and he walked away from me.
The day was pretty long, I was already planning on going back to New York the next day, I just wanted to find Derek and give him the divorce papers and then promptly leave.
As fate would have it, an emergency came up and I was dragged back into surgery. Before I went back to my hotel for the night, I decided to go back into the NICU to check on the patient one last time.
Derek was there as well, checking on the preemie who had miraculously made some improvements. He said that if she got a bit stronger he would operate. I felt like this was my chance tell him how I felt, and hoped for the best."
Addison closed her eyes and continued.
"I walked towards him and said, 'You know, the way I see it, we could deal with us in one of three ways. Option one, I could apologize, you could forgive me and come home, and we could move on with our lives like adults. Or, option 2, I could apologize, you could forgive me, and come home, but you can still bring it up to use against me whenever we argue.'
He thought I was being funny, I then leaned into him and said, 'Satan has a sense of humor' and he replied, 'What's the 3rd?' and I didn't know my 3rd option, so I just told him, 'I don't know the 3rd option is, I just know that I still love you.'
And I kissed him Nay, and he kissed me back. So I had a bit of hope again."
Naomi knew that even after all this time, that what happened with Derek still hurt her friend deeply.
"Days later he still had not made any changes, so I was leaving. When I was walking towards the elevators I saw them talking. She had this really sad lost puppy look on her face and he was trying to console her. It pissed me off, so I did what I do best, I made a snarky remark 'Well isn't this cozy. Can I join in or are you not into threesomes? '. Meredith rolled her eyes and walked off, Derek stayed behind to give me a piece of his mind. He was ticked, I could tell by his defensive stance, and I of course didn't back down.
He said that I was Satan and an Adulteress bitch, or something like that. I was tired of him constantly putting me down and told him that. I also told him that he was going to forgive me at one point, because I was his best friend. He of course made some stupid comment, I just pulled out the divorce papers and handed them to him. He insulted me again, so I told him if he signed, I would sign and be out of his life, but that being said, that if even if I was Satan and an Adulteress bitch that I might still be the love of his life."
"Wow, you told him that? What did he say?" Naomi asked intrigued by this whole recounting of events.
"I didn't give him a chance to say anything, I got in the elevator and left. That was the turning point. I really don't know what made him choose me over Meredith, but he did. He said he wanted to try, and of course I blindly believed him. I really just wanted to make it work, to make him fall in love with me all over again.
I lost myself Nay, I gave up my pride, my self respect, my home, my practice, my friends, all to accommodate his needs. I felt that he could treat me like shit and pine away for Meredith because I cheated, he needed to punish me, to get it over with, and then he would love me again and we would be okay. I was wrong, he didn't wanna try, he wanted to be the good guy, the guy who stayed with his adulteress wife, and gave up love to make his failing marriage work."
Addison paused to look at her watch, she had told everyone 8:30pm and it was now 7:30pm so hopefully they still had time to finish this conversation. It felt good talking about this although Naomi picked a hell of a time to ask her about this. Actually she didn't mind, she needed this, to finally let it go and move on completely with her life.
"It was an awful Nay, he made a fool of me time and time again. I stayed hoping that the Derek that I fell in love with would come back to me. We made love, well let me re-phrase that, I made love to my husband, Derek just had sex with me. Even when he touched me I knew, I knew that he would rather be touching her. Until he finally got his wish on prom night, he slept with her in an exam room while I stupidly waited for him at the dance. I found her underwear in his jacket pocket the next day, it's like he left it there on purpose, hoping that I would find it so that I would put an end to this charade of a marriage. Can you believe that? After everything, he still didn't have the balls to end it himself.
So I packed up and left, called Mark to come and help me cope, help me forget for a moment. Mark being Mark flew to Seattle to be my transcontinental booty call. You would think I would have learned from my previous mistake, but nope, not me, I like learning the hard way." Addison glanced at Naomi and winked.
Naomi chuckled and nodded in agreement and said, "Yup definitely, thats the Addison I know." They both laughed a bit, then Addison continued.
"Derek showed up at my hotel room trying to apologize and take responsiblilty for his part in the end of our marriage, when Mark chose that very moment to walk out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist." Addison said this with a crooked smile.
"Part of me was glad that Derek could see that I wasn't alone and crying myself to sleep, but the other part was like FUCK!
So that was pretty much it, he later found out that I had stayed with Mark and was livid, he told me that he wanted me to leave Seattle so he could move on with his life in peace."
Addison stopped and took a long sip of her wine.
"Mark and I decided that we would give us a try if he could go 60 days without having sex with anyone. He was keeping his part of the deal, but I just wasn't invested in it at all. He wasn't the man I wanted to be with, plus the fact that I was lusting after an intern didn't help matters either. Again I gave into the itch and slept with an intern who wasn't interested in having a relationship.
So I ran, I needed to get away and sort out my life...that's when I came here for a mini vacation. And the rest, as they say, is history."
Addison looked up to meet Naomi's gaze.
"I must say though, that because of everything that happened with Derek, Mark and myself, I have had experiences that have now shaped me into who I am at this very moment, and I like who I've grown into. I once believed that I would be spending the rest of my life with that man, what I would have missed."
Naomi nodded, understanding her friend and got up from the chair she had been sitting in and kneeled down in front of Addison to lean in and give her a hug.
"I wanna say thank you Addie, thank you for letting me in, and confiding in me. All I want is for you to be happy, and I just wanted you to know that I am here for you, I'm your someone."
Addison smiled and hugged Naomi tightly.
"Well thank you for pushing me to open up, I really needed to do this." Naomi reaches across the patio table and grabs a party napkin and hands it to Addison. "Wow, I can't believe how long that took, i'ts 8pm already! They should probably be arriving anytime soon, I should probably go freshen up...I must look a hot mess."
Naomi chuckled a little, "Girl you can't ever look like a hot mess, no matter how hard you try."
They both laughed and sat back down, taking in the view, still sipping on their wine for an extra moment, enjoying the sounds of the waves.
Pete, who had arrived extremely early hoping to be alone with Addison, had entered the house a while back and had conveniently overheard their whole conversation.
He quietly said to himself, "I wonder what the future has instore", and then he smiled.
After a moment of thought, he walked up to the women to make his presence known.
The END or NOT, you decide!!!
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