A/N: Uchihacest. This is a bit cracky because the bunnies for this turned my brain to mush and wouldn't allow me control of my fingers until I had this written.
Once Upon a Time
Once upon a time…
There was a handsome prince who had to find a suitable princess before he could take the throne. (Though, some might say it was a pretty Ice Prince, also known as Sasuke, who was gonna find some hot ass to fuck. And then he could rule Konohagakure or some shit. Mostly, he wanted the ass. Preferably, male.)
So, Prince Sasuke was sent by his mother, Tsunade (who wasn't really his mom but for as much shit as she gave him about keeping his room clean, she might as well be) and his father, Jiraiya (again, not really his father…but he was very concerned about the boy's fashion choices) in search of a mate.
Prince Sasuke rode all through Konohagakure and Fire Country. He came across many fine, wealthy, polite young women. (Most of who were raging lunatic-fangirls.)
But none of these women were right for the young Uchiha. (Probably because they were…girls. As in pussy. Urgh.)
Some of the finer clans sent their loveliest women to Prince Sasuke. The Haruno's and Yamanaka's were two such clans. Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka came to Prince Sasuke in the dead of night. (It was actually late afternoon.) Sasuke spoke with them at length (three minutes) before deciding that they weren't quite what he was looking for. (He insulted their fashion choices and sent them away with a hair flip.) The two women left with the knowledge that Prince Sasuke was a kind and considerate young man. (Okay, they left in a huff of curses and venomous thoughts directed toward the bitchy Uchiha.)
By this point, Prince Sasuke was quite worried about his quickly decreasing list of prospective conquests. (He was kind of jumping for joy…or he would have if that was anyway for an Uchiha to act. But it wasn't, so…) It was at this point his parents approached him about his sexuality. (Tsunade stormed into his room when he came home for the holidays shouting about the loss of grandkids and if he was gay he should have told them and something about adoption. Jiraiya leaned against the doorway, snickering.)
Prince Sasuke admitted to being gay. His parents accepted this fact and sent him out in search of a suitable man. (Okay, they didn't disown him…but Tsunade totally kicked his ass for his insolence and then told him not to come back unless a hot piece of ass was hanging off his arm.)
Prince Sasuke traveled Fire Country (again) in search of a man. The only problem was, none of them seemed to be up to his standards. (He wanted a cock in his ass. Not some dude who clearly had a thirteen year old trapped somewhere. He wanted a seme, Godammit.)
Neji Hyuga and Shikamaru Nara were sent to him. (Neji came willingly. Shikamaru came because his father threatened to kick him out.) Neither had the fiery passion Prince Sasuke was looking for. (Shikamaru was too lazy. And Neji spent more time on his hair than Sasuke did. And that just wouldn't do.)
Then, Prince Sasuke heard a rumor about a boy. He was supposed to be determined, stubborn and strong. He was said to have hair the color of sun and eyes like the ocean. (Alright, he was supposed to be an amazing fuck. Sasuke is only human after all.) His name was Naruto Uzumaki. (No, really. That part is accurate.)
So, Prince Sasuke set out in search of this Naruto. He searched far and wide. Then, he caught wind of his whereabouts. He was said to be in Suna. (Sasuke heard from this bartender that Naruto had been shouting about going to Suna a day ago.)
Prince Sasuke's magnificent steed (he walked there) slowed to a stop when they appeared before the house Naruto was rumored to be occupying. Prince Sasuke walked to the front door and knocked and waited for his beloved to answer. (He slammed on the door and impatiently waited for the hot blond dobe to come out so they could get to the screwing.)
Naruto opened the door and he was everything he was said to be. Blonde and blue-eyed and beautiful. (He was walking sex.) Sasuke instantly fell in love. (He instantly wanted to bend over.)
"Naruto, I have come for your heart," Sasuke said.
"I have been waiting for you, Prince Uchiha. Take me," Naruto said, falling into Sasuke open arms.
(Just kidding, here's what really happened:
"Dobe, let's go screw and get married or some shit," Sasuke muttered when Naruto opened the door.
"Uh, bastard, I'm taken," Naruto shouted. Gaara came up behind Naruto half-dressed and completely fucked-out.
"Seriously? Damn," Sasuke said, before walking away.)
Then, in a tragic turn of events too gruesome to be written here, the soon-to-be lovers were separated. Sasuke was grief-stricken. (Or he was just really horny and maybe a little angsty about returning home without a man. Probably just horny.)
What was Prince Sasuke to do? What? Settle for someone other than his True Love? Never. The blonde was perfect. Prince Sasuke might just die alone. There was nothing for it. (Sasuke needed a blowjob.)
"Okay, let's just put an end to this now, little brother."
"Itachi?" Sasuke asked," The fuck? This is my story."
"We're family, brothers, you can share," Itachi said.
"Fine. What do you want?" Sasuke asked, glaring.
"I'm just here to put you out of your misery. Well, mostly because everyone is getting sick of your emo angsting," Itachi said. An echo of 'amen' could be heard all across the land.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" Sasuke asked, damn it! He wasn't fucking pouting.
"First, I'm gonna bend you over and screw you until you can't see straight, nonetheless walk it," Itachi paused," Then, I guess we're getting married or some shit."
(Yeah, that's actually right!)
Then Sasuke and Itachi lived happily ever after. In love. (Well, they lived, barely. But the sex was awesome. Angry sex is the best, ne? And Itachi was had an impressive di-)
(Yeah, whatever. The End.)