I sat in math, next to Joanie as she watched a movie on my iPod. I stared at Oliver and Mikayla as they engaged into a conversation, and boy, I am so bored.
I looked down at my paper and started drawing hearts on it. I sighed deeply and looked around the room when I spotted Lilly entering the class. She smiled at me and looked at the teacher and pointed at me. The teacher nodded and Lilly made her way across the room to us.
"Hi guys!" Lilly shouted and sat down in front of me, which was next to Mikayla. Oy.
"Lilly, what are you doing here?" I asked and she turned to talk to me.
"Hey, can't I hang out? Anyway, my teacher said I could. I was done with my things and…"
"Wow that's a first." I joked and Lilly glared at me.
"Hey! I can finish thing!" She exclaimed and shook her head. "Now, about that crush of yours…" She started and I froze.
Mikayla turned to look at us and said, "She knows of your crush? Who is it, tell me!" Mikayla exclaimed and I shook my head.
Mikayla always knew I had a crush and I gave her hints, but I didn't tell her who it was. I made it obvious with which it was, only because I wanted her to find out herself. The hints I gave her were things I knew about her and I'm still surprised she doesn't know-or I hope she doesn't. I'm confusing that way, I want her to know but I don't want her to know. So weird.
"I already told you!" I exclaimed, "It's a person I can't have a crush on. She's too close of a friend and now it's stupid." I dropped my gaze. "It's not worth it, just don't worry, I'm going to forget about it."
"Oooh." She raised her eyebrows and reached forward to take a hold of Lilly's shirt. She pulled Lilly close to her and then whisper in her ear.
Lilly's eyes widened and whispered back to her. They were talking about something and it annoyed me. I just knew they were talking about me.
"Did I hear Miley's name?" Oliver said as he lifted his head from Joanie and the iPod.
My eyes widened. Well, that clarifies that they are talking about me. Maybe she found out?
I started to panic.
I could feel my chest tighten as I looked down to my paper. I noticed Mikayla looking over at me every now and then and each time, I sense myself breaking. I bit my lip hard as I doodle on the piece of paper. I looked around for something else to do, just to keep me busy from thinking of the issue, but nothing helped. I'm just desperate to do something.
I taped Lilly's arm, but ignored me just to continue talking with Mikayla. My throat tightened and I gnawed nervously at my lower lip.
I'm desperate for music. Something to make me ignore all of this because I can't handle it. I couldn't handle it. I just felt as if I could break down any moment. That's how scared and confused I am right now. I just felt so numb, maybe I could even cut again, but I didn't have anything to cut myself with.
I put my hand on Lilly's shoulder once again and shook it hard. "Can I borrow your iPod, please?" I begged and Lilly didn't look at me.
All she did was slip her hand in her pocket to get her iPod and threw the MP3 player at me.
I put on the earphones, along with the hood of my jacket, and played the first song that started, which was the song With You, also Mikayla's favorite song. I put it on full blast and dropped my head as I thought of Mikayla. Music usually helped, but for some reason my emotions were taking over and I clenched my fists. Music wasn't helping me this time, the one time I needed it and I just could die right now.
Tears started to well as my heart ached. The song made everything worse but I didn't bother changing it. I clenched my teeth and tightly shut my eyes. I couldn't cry yet, not now. I don't want anyone else seeing me cry.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and snapped my head up. There, I saw Lilly staring straight at me.
"What?" I harshly said and she grinned.
She leaned forward, close enough so that she could whisper to me.
"You should say something before you lose your chance." She winked and I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever, I don't care anymore. This is fucked up." I told her and looked back down.
I closed my eyes and noticed a few tears managed to escape.
This sucks so much; I just wished she didn't find out like this.
I held my breath and then the bell rang so I got my things together. I waited until I was nearly the last person in class. I never bothered looking up, to see who else was in the room because I was too ashamed. Too ashamed to know that Mikayla found out now, not from me, and it sucks so much. She knows I like her, but she doesn't know how much I like her.
I held my breath and looked up and saw that Mikayla and I were the only ones in the class, apart of the teacher. I swung the bag over my shoulder and Mikayla watched me.
"Are we going to go?" I asked and she smiled.
"Why the rush we have an hour of lunch." She said and I dropped my head.
"Okay." I crossed my arms and she stared at me.
I shook my head and started to walk beside her. We headed for our lockers in silence as we passed people. It felt so awkward and I was too scared to say anything. What more could I say to not make things awkward?
"Miley, talk to me." She replied and I shrugged.
"What am I supposed to say?" I asked with rudeness in my voice.
It was only the two of us when we reached the lockers. Lilly and Oliver vanished so it was just me and Mikayla, stuck together until we find out two stupid friends. Gah.
I opened my locker and shoved my things into it. I waited for Mikayla when I was done, but when she was finished, she turned to me and kept a stern look on her face. It was weird, I think she's mad or something. I don't know, its hard to tell if she's mad or sad or anything, she's the hardest person to read. Maybe that's why I fell for her.
"Let's go." I tore my gaze away from her. Enough of me looking at her, I needed to find someone to be with before I spill all my feelings to her, literally.
Suddenly, I felt a tug at my arm and I looked at it seeing Mikayla's fingers clutching on my sleeve. What's going on here?
"Miley, will you talk to me?" Mikayla asked with a worried tone in her voice.
I shrugged. "I don't know what to say to you." I sighed and crossed my arms.
"Can we work this out? I don't want you not talking to me." She told me.
"Mikayla, you don't understand." I shook my head and gazed at her.
She looked sad and confused and, ah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but beautiful. It's amazing how she can look so calm and adorable at a time like this and I can't help it. I really like her and I can't help but feel this way toward her. I just really hate how I feel about this. I'm overreacting and selfish for feeling this way, I mean come on, she's my best friend. One of my newest best friends and I'm ruining it all because I like her. I fell for her hard and I can't forget about her.
"Please, I don't want anything to be awkward, I love you Miley, you're such a good friend and I don't want to lose you like this." She replied, but I shook my head once again.
It just hurt that she says that she loves me. I can't handle her saying that because I might take it another way. I screwed everything in this one hour all together and it's fast how things like this can happen. I just want to run away and not look at her again, not even speak, but right now it's hard with just me and her together.
"I… you too. I care for you and I don't want this awkward either, but I don't know." I shook my head.
I just can't say I love her too. She'll see it like I love her as a friend, but I really love her as something else. The feeling is too strong, I let myself crush on her too hard which is why I'm like this.
"I just want you to forget about it and I'll forget about it either. I want you to forget about me and what you figured out today okay?" I told her and she shook her head.
God, must she look this pretty at a time like this?
"I want to work this out, it would be easier if we could and I want us to be normal again." She put her hand on my shoulder and lightly squeezed it.
Us? Since when were we an us? I may be over looking it, but still, since when were we and us?
"There's no reason for us to work it out. All I want is for you to forget about all of this and I'll be happy. I'm fine; really, I just want you to forget about it." I looked away and felt tears well up.
I couldn't hold it anymore, I just felt so heart broken and I hate it, but I couldn't let her know how I really feel, not everything. Just as long as she doesn't know everything, I'm fine with it.
"I hope nothing will be awkward with us after this. I don't want you to ignore me or anything like that, like you did with that other person." She dropped her head and I pursed my lips.
Oh that other person. Must they always bring her up? It was a mistake crushing on this one girl, but she's one person I want to forget. I avoided her and never spoke to her again because I had a love hate thing for her and now that Mikayla is talking about it, it freaks me out. She doesn't want me to avoid her when I really was going to avoid her for a bit. I guess she really does care for me as a friend.
"You're different Mikayla, totally different. How I feel for you is completely different than how I felt for her. You're more important to me and that's why it hurt so much." I admitted.
There was no use lying now, I think I'd tell her everything if I had to. I cleared my throat. I was about to turn to Mikayla when I couldn't handle it anymore. I just pulled my arm from her and ran away, not even looking back, and went for the bathroom.
The bathroom was clear and I ran into the nearest stall. I locked the door and pressed myself against the door. I closed my eyes and broke down.
Too close and I ruined it.
She knows how I feel like and now I don't know what to do. She's everything to me and I love her so much but she needs me as a friend and not as a lover. I have to let her go, but how? She's all I think about and now… I just need her to forget me.
me you'll forget me,"
You said as you walked away.
"Don't hold on… please… let go of me…"
You make it so hard to leave.
A/N That's it, I hope you liked this.
Kay for those of you who have read this, I have to ask, do you think that it's stupid how Miley treated this? You don't have to answer.
Anyway, thanks for reading and please review. I'll update Survey sometime this week. Happy New Year!