Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter characters featured.

Fred: Welcome everyone, to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: It's actually called The George and Fred Variety Hour.

Fred: We've already had this discussion, its definitely The Fred and George Variety Hour. Everybody knows you put the better looking person first.

George: No, it's definitely the smartest person that goes first.

Fred: What about Sonny and Cher? Siegfried and Roy, Josh and Drake?

Camera Man: Actually it's Drake and Josh.

Fred: No I'm definitely going first, plus it's alphabetically pleasing.

George: There's no such thing.

Fred: Doesn't matter, it's Fred and George.

George: George and Fred.

Fred: Gred and Forge.

George: Fred and George.

Fred: Hah! So as I was saying, welcome to The Fred and George Variety Hour!

George: Well, not technically a full hour-

Fred: all those bloody commercials.

George: Too true, too true indeed.

Fred: Our guest today is-

George: our esteemed younger brother Ickle Ronniekins!


Ron: It's actually Ron.

Fred: Welcome Ickle Ronniekins! Please introduce yourself to our studio audience!

Ron: Well my name is Ron-

George: Give them a little something more than that-

Fred: Make it interesting!

George: For example, what are you famous for?

Ron: Defeating You-Know-Who?

Fred: Everybody knows that was Harry Potter.

George: Honestly Ickle – may I call you Ickle, Mr Ronniekins? – If you're going to lie at least make it believable.

Fred: You can't take credit for other peoples' work, its called plagiarism, hello!

George: Which reminds me, we still need to call up He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for-

Ron: He's dead you nincompoop!

George: There's no need for name calling.

Fred: Just because he's dead doesn't mean were going to let him get away with copyright infringement.

Ron: Copyright infringement? What the blather are you two on about?

George: You-Know-Who, U-No-Pooh? I know you don't think some dark lord wannabe came up with that. That is pure comic genius!

Fred: Why thank you George!

George: Anytime Fred!

Fred: So back to you Mr Ronniekins-

George: Ickle

Fred: Ickle, what are you here to chat about with us today?

Ron: I'm um-

George: Don't be shy.

Fred: The audience is your friend.

Ron: I'm here to talk to you about my-

Camera Man: It's time to break for commercial.

George: Join us after the break when we get up close and personal with Ron Weasley-

Fred: Better known as Harry Potter's freckled side kick!

Announcer: The Fred and George Variety Hour on the WC is brought to you by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, 'Selling joke and trick items since 1995, come visit us at 97 Diagon Alley', and by Ollivanders, 'Makers of fine wands since 382 BC'.

Commercial One: Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour specializing in ice cream and various sundaes. Florean Fortescue is world renowned ice cream connoisseur. If you haven't been in to see Florean you don't know what you are missing.

Commercial Two: Need somewhere special to take that someone special? Try Madam Puddifoot's, a cozy teashop for you and your sweetie. Located in Hogsmeade, Madam Puddifoot's is perfect for anniversaries, birthdays and most of all Valentine's Day.

Fred: Ron have you ever been to Madam Puddifoot's?

Ron: Um…

Fred: Didn't you go there once with Lavender What's-her-name?

Ron: Um…

George: They have the most delightful little tarts, mm, what were those ones with the raisins?

Fred: Macaroons?

George: No, no, those are coconut; I mean the little tart like things with the raisins.

Ron: Um…butter tarts?

George: Yes, Madam Puddifoot's has the greatest little butter tarts, just melt in your mouth, they do.

Fred: Now you've made me hungry, we'll have to pick some up on the way home.

George: Oh yes, no doubt about it.

Ron:clears throat

Fred: Right, so why don't you tell the audience all about your new book?

Ron: Um well-

George: What's it called again?

Ron: It's called Keeping Ahead of the Game: The Ron Weasley Story.

Fred: No offence little brother, but why would anyone want to read a book about you?

George: Don't mind him, he's just a little jealous that you have tapped into the book writing resource while he's been too busy getting his face on TV.

Fred: Miraculously here we are!

Twins:smile cheekily


Fred: And if everyone in the audience will look under their seat they will see an autographed copy of the book!


George:flipping through book did you actually write this Ron?

Ron: Um yeah, that's kind of the point of being an Author.

Fred: I think you've gone mad. Arthur is our father. Your name is Ronald Bilius!

Ron: I said Author!

George: Ronald Bilius! Ronald Bilius! Ronald Bilius!

Ron: Ugh! I have had enough of you two!

Fred: Oh come on Ron, it's all in good fun-

George: no such thing as bad fun!

Fred: Join us in a little game before you go!

George: Today's game is…Name That Word!


Fred: Why don't you explain the rules Fred?

George: You're Fred!

Fred: Of course! We are going to try and make you say the word on this card.

George: Understand?

Ron: Um…I guess.

Fred: No helping audience!

George: Let's show the audience the word!

Camera Man: holds up sign to audience with the word MUGGLE on it

Audience: Ooh! Ah!

Fred: Okay, let's have one minute on the clock!

George: One minute on the clock!

Fred: Ready Ron?

Ron: Yeah, I'm ready.

George: Start the clock!

Camera Man: starts the clock

Fred: London is a blank city.

Ron: What?

George: Fill in the blank!

Fred: London is a blank city.

Ron: Big? British? Loud?

George: Harry had to live with these people after his parents died.

Ron: The Dursleys?

George: But what was it about them…

Ron: They were a bunch of brutes?

George: No! Hermione is…

Ron: Smart? Female? Gorgeous?

Fred: We could play matchmaker here dear brother,

George: but that wouldn't help him figure this out. looks at clock Time is running out.

Ron: What are you two over there whispering about, honestly, you are worse than a bunch of suspicious muggles-


Camera Man: Wrap it up boys, your hour is almost up.

Ron: I got it? I got it!

Fred: Thank you for joining us on The Fred and George Variety Hour.

George: We hope you have had as much fun as we have.

Fred: Special thanks to our guest Ronald Weasley, his new book, Keeping Ahead of the Game, is in stores everywhere.

George: See you all next time, right here on the WC, Witching Channel!

Camera Man: rolls credits

Ron: How do you get the audience to cheer at all the right places?

Fred: They're smart?

George: We have signs that flash when they are supposed to clap.

Ron: So you have a script?

Fred: Well yes-

George: and no.

Fred: holds up script we have a script, but-

George: we prefer to go with the flow.

Fred: Live in the moment as it were.

George:holds up Fred's script These things make great origami.

Fred: Hey, that's a good idea for a show, we could have someone come on and make origami with us!

George: You know who I want to have on the show?

Ron: Who?

George: A muggle, any muggle.

Fred: How about a muggle that does origami?

George: Splendid idea!

Author's Note: Well, what did you think? I'm not sure if this is just going to be a one shot or not. If I get any inspiration I may write another episode, we shall see.

Review! As always.