I know, have always known, that this world will never find me happiness.
To divide one's loyalties is to spend one's life on the end of a blade. At any moment, all one has ever worked for -- fought for -- could be brought to an end. I have always known that my position is in constant flux, and for those few times I forget, the Sheriff happily reminds me. And if not him, then Robin Hood, an outlaw with no proper right or standing, rises above me, as a leader and hero.
That I find myself here, I have no other choice but to move ahead -- to forge my path and cement my position, somewhere, in this chaos. However, I would not wish it on anyone, especially not someone I love. Loved.
We could never have been our true selves with one another -- I am a monster, and she... the hardest won heart in all of England. Willful, spirited, idealist. When we met, I saw a loyal devoted daughter, and she must have seen... an ambitious, perhaps zealous, servant to my lord. She would try to despise me for it, as she despises my master.
And from then on, the lies would never end.
I want to believe she truly felt for me. But she, too, was divided. I can see her for her two faces, as easily as I can see my own -- I let myself believe her words, her charms. I indulged in her as much as the woman in her indulged in my attentions.
'It's about friendship - that's all.'
I recall the way her voice quivered, and how her breath quickened as I brushed her cheek. The words we spoke faded to nothing behind the telling way her eyes passed over me. She could not hide that from me: the body cannot lie.
It is the same when she is at the end of my blade.
These were our truest moment together. She confesses, she shows me her hatred -- that which she has kept veiled beneath quips and wit all this time. This is where her loyalty lies. With her king, and Robin Hood.
Here, in my arms, her skin is warmed by the desert sun and I see her passion, and it is unyielding.
As the blade sinks into her, I feel as though we are joined -- again, for I have done this before, I realize. Her eyes were full of certainty as I drew near, her shrewd smile claiming this as her victory. As the blade settles within her, her eyes slowly close over what I imagine is a flicker of disappointment. In this act, in me. This is her truth, and now it spills from her onto the blade into my hands.
The chaos begins to close in around me, and though she has hurt me -- she knew exactly how to, and that is a strange comfort. I wish to hold her, to be the one holding her as she passes. To stay and see Robin's face when she does.
To see his heart break as I have just broken mine.
I still stand at the end of a blade, not knowing what position I might have as I ride away from the scene of my most heinous crime. There is no longer a choice for me - I must see this path to its end.
I will not look back.
We could never have found happiness in this world.