A/N: This is waaaaay off my radar of inspiration, but I think this merits to Seto/Shizuka fans and die-hard Seto/Jou fans.
DEDICATION: I dedicate this last one-shot of the soon yesteryear to all my reviewers who had stuck with me like glue for two years already! Almost three! You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my wayward heart. Happy 2008!
Summary: Shizuka knows that when her husband looks into her eyes, he only sees her brother's. Seto/Jou, One-sided Seto/Shizuka
To tell you the truth, I don't know where to begin with this secret. I have been storing this shattered figment inside of my heart, hoping that it never existed.
You see, my name was Kawai Shizuka. No, scratch that. It is now, Kaiba Shizuka. The sad part is, every time I tell myself that, it becomes less real. Maybe the fact remains is as follows: I am Kaiba Seto's wife.
Oh, but where to start? I guess I'll reveal this truth of all truths when I turned eighteen. Seto was twenty-three at the time. Maybe I should add my brother's age too. After all, he's part of this secret. Yes, my older brother, Katsuya, was only twenty-two; one year younger than Seto.
And even at this age, in this time, they continued to argue and fight. It seemed the only constant motion in the ever changing lifestyles we would lead from here on out.
They always fought. They don't anymore and I'll tell you why.
I enjoyed watching them squabble like an old married couple. Here and there, it was almost a flirtatious banter now that I remember.
One day, their last fight seemed more passionate, more final than ever. Seto was trying to degrade older brother while Katsuya listed Seto's faults and weaknesses. Only, it seemed more painful to watch as they turned their heels and walked away, never to see each other again.
I remember that day clearly, because I could plainly see Seto's gaze in it's utmost attention into big brother's light, speckled brown eyes. Maybe, then and there, I knew the meaning of that gaze, but paid no attention to it at the time.
Big brother moved away afterwards. He was pursuing a career in music, as it was his melancholic dream to be famous. Something that didn't involve card games for once. He moved to Tokyo and got a record deal with Tokyo Records.
Because Seto's main company building was located in my city, he was frequently there. The university I was going to to become a designer was funded by Kaiba Corp. So I saw him on a day to day basis.
It may seem hard to understand, but I knew deep in my soul that Seto missed Katsuya greatly. The little glint of mirth I usually saw in his bright blue eyes was slowly fading, having no justified means when it was Katsuya's wacky retorts that kept it blazing.
Maybe it only seemed natural...no, maybe more instinctive, that he should turn his attentions to me. After all, I was the closest thing to Katsuya.
I had his eyes.
Well, to tell you the truth, my eyes are a little different from brother's. While my hazel eyes had specks of green in them, brother's eyes were glittered gold; flicks of treasure hidden in the brown earth.
I knew he was using me to compensate for the loss of his regular verbal abused partner, but maybe I felt deep in my heart that he would love me for me.
He'd slowly, in his own way, spoil me with gifts and affection that maybe he was saving for my brother. My brother was becoming famous as an idol and he didn't need Seto to lavish him with riches in the only way he thought he could. I had no doubt in my mind, that even if brother did come back, Seto would never admit his feelings. Maybe he thought that now that Katsuya had everything, Seto couldn't show his affection through money.
Maybe, he was afraid of his own feelings; becoming useless in his secret love's eyes. Those hazel eyes he adored so much. Maybe he was afraid that his own love for my brother was worthless because it seemed too meager to look at. Seto never expressed love in any form other than familial. Maybe that was his downfall.
Still, I didn't want to think that during that time. I still had that hope that maybe he'll grow to love me and forget my brother.
It was selfish of me to think that way, but my brother would always wave it off, saying, 'Love makes you do crazy things.' I think he was right. I did fall in love with Seto. I did want him to fall in love with me too.
But, like my wise brother said, it was impossible for me to think that. Katsuya was Seto's other half. The complete polar opposite that could merge with him and form a complete Yin Yang, not knowing where one began or ended.
It was those rare types of love that seemed to be beyond the planes of reason and reality. An impossibility being the possible.
We dated for two years before he, almost soberly, bent on one knee for my hand in marriage. I was tearful, my mother was ecstatic, father was shocked and big brother...
...well, I didn't know his expression at the time. I gave him the wedding invitation through e-mail, since I had no means of seeing him in Tokyo. His response was short and to the point, something that was uncharacteristic of him to do. But, I was too happy to care and that was my most terrible regret.
Now that I look back, I despise myself. It seemed that I was taking everything away from my brother after he tried so hard to give me everything he could all my life.
He did come home, though, to see the wedding. He cunningly used that carefree mask of his to deter me from his unmistakable pain in his heart. At the time, I believed it. He did make a few spars with his old friends, injecting that he was sore about Seto Kaiba marrying his little sister, picking jibes at Seto to take care of me.
And that's when I saw Seto's eyes light up, something I was never able to do, no matter how hard I tried. That glint came back, brighter than ever. It was almost too painful to watch.
But I knew that after rehearsal, Seto was hiding a black eye underneath his mahogany bangs, looking a bit beat up but nevertheless holding himself up nobly. Brother had bloody knuckles hiding inside the sleeves of his jacket. I knew what transpired and yet I still ignored it.
Katsuya was saying good-bye to Seto, in the only way they knew how to express it in their own personal way. Seto took the brunt of it all, because it was his cross to bear. Marrying me meant that he was willing to let Katsuya go. Brother would no longer wait in Tokyo, all the while trying to keep himself free and single. Hoping that Seto would confront his fears and chase after him.
After that night, I think that Seto and I had lost Katsuya forever. Without Seto to hold him down in Japan, he was going to spread his wings and fly into the open skies. The world was his.
It may seem like a good thing for many, but for Katsuya, it was different. He was free all his life, waiting for someone to love him so much they'd keep him with them by chaining him out of love. Brother wanted someone to love him unconditionally, even if he hid it with his happy-go-lucky smile.
So much love he gave, but received none in return.
The wedding was grand and beautiful. I'll never forget the expensive wedding dress tailored from France, or the Italian Symphonic Orchestra playing the final song of the wedding ceremony. My loved ones were handsome and beautiful in their attire, waiting for me to appear as they stand in bliss for me.
Brother led me down the aisle, because I wanted him to. Maybe, I wanted to please him even for a little bit. Having him walk me down the aisle, showing him that I loved him dearly no matter what.
Now, I wish I hadn't. Back then, I had no idea of how it slowly killed him inside with every step, giving his precious sister to his true love. Knowing that it was in his position to unite us in marriage.
Seto was so handsome in a tuxedo. He had a benign smile on his face, but not for me. For the one leading me with his trembling arm.
His blue eyes were connected to hazel, the hazel eyes of my brother that was slowly tearing, his golden-brown eyes glistened with those unshed tears, swaying back and forth like a serene pool of color.
I can't believe I'm crying as I'm writing this. If only I wasn't...
I was about to join Seto on the altar when I felt a short-lived, but hesitant had grabbing my wrist. I turned to look at my brother and maybe that's when I realized the mistake I was making.
Katsuya was crushed, like he just died right then and there. If it wasn't for mother clearing her throat for us to continue, I think I would've lost my nerve and have ran from the altar to appease the pain in my brother's heart.
Brother cried throughout the ceremony, but there were many others who cried too, so everyone believed that it was out of happiness. But I, maybe even Seto, knew better.
This was the pivotal point of my story, because as we exchanged vows, I noticed that he was not looking into my eyes while he recited them.
He was looking at my brother, who was dutifully right behind me. Through my eyes, he saw brother's.
He gave his vows to Katsuya that day. Not me.
Please don't mind the tear stains on this letter. But, what I'm about to write is the most painful truth I will ever give.
Big brother left halfway through reception. I know this because Seto's far away gaze ended when Katsuya opened those oak doors and into the night.
That was the last I ever saw of my beloved brother. It was the last gaze Katsuya ever held for Seto.
A few days during our honeymoon, we received word that brother died in a plane crash on his way back to Tokyo for a concert. It was his farewell concert in Tokyo because he was going abroad to become even more famous in America.
It was the usual tragic ending for a rock star, but it was that moment we received word did Seto really die. Those shining eyes were gone forever. They died with a fleeting love. They died with Katsuya.
Maybe that was the only reassurance that brother gratefully took with him to the grave. Seto's ability to love and obtain happiness in this life.
My husband left Katsuya with a broken heart and came back home with me empty inside. My Seto was gone, lost in the haze of broken memories and shattered feelings.
I can no more describe how Seto was after the funeral. It was rather ironic to see Seto admit his feelings to his true love at the grave marker; big brother unable to hear the words now that he was gone from this world.
A couple years later, I was pregnant. With you. We both agreed to name you Katsuya after your uncle who we cared about so deeply. We still do to this day.
I know it may seem selfish of your father to not love me as much as he loved your uncle, but one day you'll understand love in it's entirety. He was, ultimately, your father's real love.
It was your birth did I see even a ghost of that beautiful sparkle held in those eyes of his. He was ecstatic that you inherited your uncle's blond hair! We both knew, that in some way, Katsuya came back to us. Through you.
It might have been a mistake for us, but not with you. You are the only thing of love that blossomed between your father and I, and for me, that was my fondest wish from then on. I thank you with all my heart.
I can still remember your uncle the last time I saw him, before he walked out those doors, walked out from the world. We remembered his smile, that angelic smile that said, 'Be happy'.
I see that smile through you. That very same smile. You will ultimately always be loved by your father.
Because you have the golden glitter of his last love within your shining eyes.
Because you have his hazel eyes.
A/N: Sheesh, that was pretty emo of me. I'm ending the year with my blond puppy already dead! That's not a good sign...oh well. Happy New Year!
Cheers to the new year,