My take on the rather famous Sanada's Pick-Up Lines List. Since it's the New Year... well, think of this as Sanada's New Year resolution to be less dorky. He's just... emotionally challenged.
Well, coffee and crack, so crazy ramblings in spades.
WARNING: Looking for plot? Looking for sophisticated language? Well, turn back now.
A Park of Pick-Up Lines
Sanada carefully chose an extremely isolated area in the park, settled on a bench, and took out the carefully typed-out, double-spaced list from his pocket.
He eyed it, and with more bullish determination than he had ever required on the tennis court, started to read.
"You're like a dictionary because you add meaning to my life…!"
No, that was horrendously bad. It sounded worse than when he was five and reciting his kindergarten lessons.
Two gardeners not too far off doing some weeding together twitched a little.
Niou nudged Yagyuu. "Ne, who d'you think it's for?"
"I have no idea," the bespectacled boy whispered back. "But it is really rude to eavesdrop on Sanada practicing, Niou-kun. And where on earth did you get these clothes from?"
"Not everyone can hook people that easily, Yagyuu," Niou drawled softly, ignoring the question, and his doubles partner stiffened for a moment before replying in an eerily similar imitation, and on his face was a creepily identical smirk.
"Then shall we give Sanada-kun a helping hand when we find out who the person is, ne?"
Staring at his list, Sanada did not notice that one of the gardeners with suspiciously bleached hair had just pulled up a whole row of flowers.
The next on the list was even worse, if it was possible, but Sanada tried it out anyway. After all, he was all alone, wasn't he, and there was no harm in saying a few words.
"Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?"
Behind the bushes that were behind the bench, safely hidden by enormous clumps of leaves…
"Eh, Yanagi-senpai! Isn't that Niou-senpai and Yagyuu-senpai?" Kirihara rose slightly to point, and Yanagi yanked him down again.
In front of them, Sanada's droning paused, and the two behind the bushes froze in fear. Kirihara willed his heart to stop if Sanada-fukubuchou looked behind.
"Apparently they decided to follow Genichirou too," Yanagi replied, so quietly that it might have been a convenient hiss of a passing breeze.
"Well, if Sanada was acting that weirdly, moping around when practice was over, no wonder that we'd decide to check up on him!" Yanagi poked Akaya in the side to hush him.
"Still, though, who's the unlucky girl, senpai?"
"I'm not sure if it's a girl in the first place," Yanagi told him without preamble, and in a remarkably quick calculation decided that covering Kirihara's mouth for him was an excellent way if they wanted to remain hidden.
Sanada heard the wind grow a little stronger, but that somehow didn't help with the drop of sweat starting to bead on his forehead.
He also missed the fact that a bush in the park usually did not have a mop of curly hair.
"Do you remember glitter pens? Sapphire was my favorite color and I could never figure out why. But I just realized why, because your eyes are that blue."
The statue across the bench twitched a little too.
"Marui, you need to lose weight!" hissed Jackal, "The statue can't block your stomach!"
"Nevermind about that, idiot," the self-proclaimed tensai replied, "Just be careful that the sunlight doesn't bounce off your head and blind Sanada, and when has he ever used glitter pens?"
"Dunno. Wonder where he got them from, though."
Still crouching behind the bushes, Yanagi smirked. A lightbulb somewhere in his head had gone off, and he knew who the mysterious person of Sanada's affections was.
Sanada groaned. But he was the only one in that area of the park, and that gave him courage, so he went on.
"I believe that it was Plato who said, 'Know thyself.' Well, I already know myself, how about I get to know you?"
Besides the flowers: "I'm going to give Sanada a list of pick-up lines that actually work," groaned Niou, "if only to save my ears from this horror."
Yagyuu's glasses glinted, and his voice now back to his normal dulcet tones, told him, "You could try them out on me, Niou-kun."
"Nonsense. I never needed to pick you up."
Behind the bush: "It wasn't Plato, goodness," muttered Yanagi, "It could have been Heraclitus, Chilon of Sparta , Thales of Miletus, Socrates, Pythagoras, or Solon of Athens, but it was definitely not Plato."
"Huh?" asked Kirihara.
"Wikipedia. But nevermind," was the answer. "Just be glad Atobe's not here."
This was cheesy and corny beyond belief, but it still was a little appropiate for the poor object of Sanada's affections, whose God-like sense of timing allowed him to appear whenever someone purposely forgot to inform him something.
"Speak of the devil...or should I say 'Angel'?"
Still dangerously close, the two weeding gardeners said "Ah," and looked at each other.
"Mhmmm! Argh! Oww!" was what the bushes said, as Kirihara protested against the defilation of his idol and Yanagi had to shut him up.
"Gee, that's a nice pair of legs. What time do they open?"
Right after he finished the sentence, he had to restrain himself from banging his head on a nearby tree. Which was good, but that reason will be explained a few lines later.
Meanwhile, Marui decided that self-control could go to hell. He snorted, and loudly.
Sanada was standing up and looking around in an instant. "Who's that?"
"I don't think I have to identify myself, Genichirou, but please stay away from pick-up lines from now on, thank you."
There was one clear yelp and six more muffled ones.
Yukimura climbed down the trunk smoothly, landing lightly in front of Sanada, who looked the closest he would ever be to fainting.
"You're wondering why I'm here?" Their buchou asked, and he still sounded a little strangled. "I usually come here to think, and today I had a lot to think about. You dropped this outside your locker."
And he brandished a piece of paper, and six heads simultaneously craned a little to peek at it. Sanada paled even further.
"What was I to think of 'Sanada X Yukimura, SanadaSeiichi, SanaYuki' written a few hundred times on this?"
Yukimura sighed. "I'll tell you what I thought, Sanada; but before that you'd better come over and kiss me now."
Sanada blinked, so Yukimura rolled his eyes, pulled his fukubuchou over by the collar, and it was followed by a long silence.
A bed of flowers was slowly and torturously killed as their gardeners forgot to even look down.
When they finally broke apart, Yukimura patted the half-dazed Sanada on the head, then lifted his voice to carry throughout the place.
"Niou, Yagyuu, Kirihara, Yanagi, Marui, Jackal -oh, all of you, in fact- two hundred laps each during the next practice!"
It was good that no one else was there, or the scene of Rikkai regulars erupting from practically everywhere would have undoubtedly ruined their reputation forever. The two gardeners stripped off their work jackets to reveal school uniforms; Akaya looked like he was doing camouflage training from all the leaves in his hair (Yanagi, however, was as immaculate as ever), and the statue detached into two halves.
"Oh God," Sanada said, and promptly blacked out.
"Oh, dear," snickered Niou, his tone the total opposite of his words, "Perhaps our Sleeping Beauty here needs a kiss from Prince Charming?"
"Shut up," Yukimura replied, but there was little bite in it. He had long ago decided to do exactly what Niou had suggested.
Yes, well. Yukimura was up the tree, so he'd have had a wonderful view of everything down below XD And I (almost) pity him for having to endure Sanada's long list of utterly terrible pick-up lines.