CULLEN HOT TUB TRUTH OR DARE
With kimberlyinedwardland and sistergrimm of the Lexicon, 1 and 2 Bedward fans and Cullen Hot Tub experts, Queens of VMT Skits and Games, respectively.
"All right people… I thought hot tubs were supposed to be fun? And this hot tub… although very relaxing, is about as fun as classroom discussions about abstinence. Any ideas? Rose? Bells?" Emmett said.
Edward scowled and replied, "Is it truly necessary to make every moment of our lives as perverse as possible? Silence is golden, brother, revel in it."
Emmett jumped to respond, but Alice placed a delicate hand on his shoulder to restrain him. "He's right Ed, Let's play a game. What about truth or dare? I haven't played a real game since I convinced Jazz to have a 'slumber party' with me in '98".
Jasper frowned. "I thought we agreed never to mention that night EVER again. Anyways, you're both right. This game could have some hilarious results… Who wants to go first?"
Edward, who was about to refuse to play, was shocked by Bella throwing her hand in the air. "Bella?" He asked, confused.
She blushed furiously and said quietly:"I love this game, I want to start. Umm Alice, Truth or Dare?" Alice rolls her eyes. "Dare of course, do you really have to ask?" Bella looked thoughtful for a moment, then her eyes lit up.
"I dare you to give up your unlimited Bella Barbie privileges for two decades."Alice, crestfallen, exclaimed "You awful, awful person!" She commenced to dry-sob on Jasper's shoulder.
Jasper exclaimed frantically "Bella please, for the love of god woman, remember the empaths!"
Emmett sniggered and said "Oh yes, Jasper's… 'feminine' problems."
Jasper glared at Emmett before Alice, seemingly over her despair, excitedly exclaimed."Edward! Truth or dare?"
Edward, suddenly feeling chickenish, picked truth. "Describe your most notorious arrest." Alice said.
Bella, shocked, said "There's more than one?!?" Emmett, still chortling, whispered, "Way more than one. Way, way more…"
1969, Woodstock, New York.
"I can't believe I'm here…" Edward groans.
"Thanks to Alice, we know this'll be great!" Emmett laughed at his brothers nervousness.
Edward grouched "I hate this music! And free love is affecting my nerves!" as Emmett began singing the star spangled banner in his head.
"Oh, Lord…" Edward sighed.
"Emmett, you better quit looking at those hippies like that" Rosalie threatened, glaring at her husband.
"Just cause I already ordered doesn't mean I can't look at the menu." Emmett retorted.
"Actually, it does." Rosalie unleashed her death glare on him, and he buckled.
Emmett gulped, "Oh. Um. Okay. Sorry Rose."
Jasper snickered as a few loose hippies arrived on the scene to antagonize Edward, who was caught completely unawares do to the fact that Emmet had been singing the Star Spangled Banner in his head. One of the girls glanced at Edward suggestively before saying:
"Hello. I'm Rainbow. Are you Edward Cullen?"
He replied with a shaky "Maybe…"
The other girls breathed into his ear,
"Don't be shy, sway with the Rhythm. I'm Amber."
Edward takes a step back. "I'll give you two million dollars if you put your intimate apparel back on," He cried.
"It's not about money, Edward. It's about love. Touch me, kiss me, sway with me Edward. All you need is love." Rainbow gasped.
Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Oh, do you want to be pleased first? I can… share." Amber said.
Edward growled "Emmett McCarty Cullen, you are a dead man walking!" just as Rainbow ripped his shirt off.
Edward ran to his car, and ten minutes later was arrested for speeding in Quebec.
"Do you have someone to call?" A Monty asked him.
"Yes," he answered as he punches in Carlisle's number.
Emmet, roaring with laughter, hung up the phone before anyone had a chance to answer.
"Just lock me in. Quickly. Just do it." Edward said.
"What... happened… to… Emmett…?" Bella asked, trying to catch her breath from laughing uproariously.
"Haven't been the same since." Emmett said gravely.
Alice snorted, "He made Emmett eat skunks for the next two decades."
Bella sat, giggling furiously. "Okay, who's next?" She asked tentatively.
"Oh, oh I've got a good one!" Emmett says excitedly. "Truth or dare, Bella?"
"Um… Well… Truth?" Bella replied nervously. Emmet giggled maliciously.
"Which one of the Cullen girls would you go lesbian for?" He asked, mischievously.
Bella took a long time to answer, and then whispered unimaginably softly "Alice."
Rosalie, shocked, says "Really?!"
Bella, blushing, nods.
"Don't be embarrassed Bella… I'd go lesbian for you too, if I wasn't married. And if I was a lesbian," said Alice, smiling from ear to ear.
"Can we please just move on? Edward, your turn… or something" Bella says, still blushing.
"Emmett. Truth or dare?" Edward says gruffly.
"Um, well… Dare. I think" Emmett replied nervously.
"I dare you to GO EAT SKUNK AND LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE!" Edward shouted.
The entire hot tub burst into uproarious laughter.
"I don't think it's funny. You're making her very uncomfortable. And ALICE? Ew. Not really something I want to think about, thanks." Edward huffed.
"You lie, Edward. You're finding the idea very ingivorating, with your entire body," hissed Jasper.
"Not as much as you are-,"
"Well, before that argument heats up anymore… I'm going to continue our little game. Truth or dare, Jasper?" Rosalie said from across the hot tub.
Jasper thought for a moment, and then replied, "Dare, I suppose."Rosalie tapped her chin thoughtfully, then smiled evilly. "I dare you to not touch Alice for the remainder of the time we are in this hot tub."
Jasper sucked in a breath. "Rose... that is fighting dirty..." Then an idea occurred to him.
"Edward, Emmett, truth or dare?"
"Dare!" Emmett said before Edward could stop him.
"I dare you to not touch your wives for the remainder of the time we spend in this hot tub."
Emmett protested, "No fair, Jasper! No. Fair."
Edward grinned and crossed his arms, sending out emotions of extreme lust to Jasper...
Jasper clenched his fists and sent emotions and images of incredible lust to Edward...
Emmett scrunched his eyes shut, then got hit by a wave of emotion from Jasper and kissed Rosalie.
Edward got hit by additional lust and grabbed Bella's mouth.
At almost the exact same second, Jasper reached for Alice.
"Exactly fifteen seconds," said Alice. "Vampire speed does amazing things."
Edward said suddenly, "Emmett, you perv! I did not need to see that! Rosalie, Alice, and Bella threesome..." he shuddered.
"Emmett, you're disgusting!" cried Bella.
"No he's not... he just has an active imiganation... unlike some prudish brothers of mine..." hinted Rosalie.
"Edward has plenty of imiganation!" insisted Bella. "He has enough imganation to fill Emmett's empty head! He once 'imagined' my wedding corset to shreds!"
"Edward!" screamed Alice. "That was a Vera Wang original! It cost thousands of dollars! How could you wreck it! How could you in your quest to make up for 105 years of prudish virgnity! How could you..." she sobbed.
Jasper glared at Edward. "Now look! You made Alice cry!"
Emmett cleared his throat. "Let me get this straight... you ripped Bella's undergarments off?" Bella nodded. "Pay up, Jasper!"
"When we finish the game," sighed the empath.
Edward groaned. "Will you two ever stop betting on the status of my so-called prudishness?"
Emmett shook his head.
Jasper looked at Bella and Rosalie, still ready to rip each other's throats out and grinned evilly.
"Rosalie, Bella... I dare you to French kiss!"
"WHAT?" exclaimed the two vampires at the same time.
Rosalie looked at Bella and nodded. They kissed angrily and with force, battling with their tongues.
Edward's lust radiated through the tub, as did Emmett's.
Emmett thought, "That was the hottest thing I've ever seen," and Edward replied out loud, "I know."
Bella slapped Edward. "What was that for?" he whined.
"For getting turned on by me kissing your sister!" Bella yelled.
Rosalie slapped Emmett. He bit his lip against a protest.
"Now... Alice, truth or dare?" Bella turned on her favorite sister.
Alice thought for a second, then replied: "Truth."
Bella grinned. "Have you ever kissed anybody but Jasper?"
"Bella!" Alice sputtered. "That's absurd!"
Jasper looked awful, pouting. "Alice? Who did you kiss?"
"Rosalie," whispered Alice.
Emmett looked at Rosalie. "You kissed Alice?"
"Well... it was '66..."
"What if Jasper and Emmett stopped having sex with us?" Rosalie said suddenly.
"I don't know," Alice said absentmindedly, wrapping Christmas presents.
"Seriously, Alice. Just stopped. Out of the blue. We have needs, you know."Alice began to seriously consider this.
"Well... I'd turn lesbian, of course."
Rosalie grinned. "Let's have a test taste... to seal the deal, of course."
And then they kissed.
Emmett protested, "We'd never stop having sex with you!"
"We were just experimenting," defended Alice.
Jasper shook his head.
"Emmett... truth or dare?" inquired Edward.
"Dare!" said Emmett, recovered from the lesbian relevations.
"I dare you to play footsie with Jasper for the next five minutes."
"WHAT THE HELL?" sputtered Emmett."Edward, you are evil!" Jasper said angrily.
"I thought you never backed down from a dare," Edward taunted.
"FINE!" roared Emmett, and began entwining his leg with Jasper's. "So wrong, so wrong..." muttered a wincing Jasper... "So wrong... so wrong..." "Bella, truth or dare?" Emmett asked menacingly, still wincing.
"Dare," replied Bella, not wimping out. Edward groaned.
"Take off Edward's boxers," grinned Emmett. "And they stay off for the rest of the game," he announced.
Bella sputtered. "I'm so very sorry, love," she told a terrified Edward. She dove underwater. His black silk boxers were flung to the floor by her teeth. "Repayment for the garter trick at our wedding," she retorted.
Edward was horrified. He looked awful, bone white.
"Remember the time we thought Edward was actually a girl?" remembered Jasper. Edward growled.
"And then we got him to swim with us..." reminsced Jasper.
"And then I killed you," muttered Edward.
Rosalie said, "Truth or dare, Alice?"
Alice checked the future and replied, "Dare." Then she squealed in happiness.
Rosalie replied, "I dare you to throw my bachelorette party... with strippers, and Bella in attendance and the strippers to pay special attention to her." Alice beamed.
Edward's hands flexed as though to wring Rosalie's neck, but he was immobile due to his nudity.
Bella had no such restraints... and attacked her sister-in-law.
After the splashing died down, Bella surfaced.
"Alright, it's my turn now… Truth or dare Jazz?" Alice asked, giggling mischievously. "And if you don't pick dare, or you're sleeping on the couch for the next five decades."
"Um… dare?" Jasper replied, worriedly.
"I DARE YOU TO CRANK CALL THE VOLTURI!" Alice shouted, collapsing into laughter.
"WHAT?! Do you really think that's a good idea?" Jasper cried, thinking about all of the things that could go wrong with this dare.
Alice sat very still for a moment, staring blankly at the air in front of her. "I think it's a great idea," she replied.
"Oh. Um. Okay. I guess. Let me see your cell phone." Alice handed it to him, and he dialed.
"Star Six Seven, One Eight Hundred V-O-L, T-U-R-I," Jasper said aloud as he dialed.
"Wait, the Volturi have a hotline?" Bella asked incredulously.
"Of course they do," Emmett exclaimed. "How else would we get in touch with them?"
"Shhh! It's ringing! Hold on, I'll put it on speaker phone, quiet everyone!" Jasper cried. Everyone in the hot tub made a show of not breathing, just as the phone picked up.
"Hello, You've reached The Volturi, how may I help you?" Gianna's voice asked over the phone.
"It is of dire importance that I talk to Aro immediately!!" Jasper cried.
"Oh. Well hold on, I'll connect you," Gianna said calmly. After a few tense seconds, Aro's voice sounded over the small cell phone.
"Hello, you've reached Aro and company. Questions? Complaints?"
"One question. How long have you and Caius been sexually involved with each other?"
"Excuse me sir! Caius and I are friends and colleagues and nothing more! Who is this?" Aro exclaimed angrily.
"Oh, no! You dumped him for Felix? That's GOT to cause some serious tension in the work space…" Jasper giggled.
"I demand to know who this is. Now," Aro whispered menacingly. Jasper looked at his family nervously, trying to think of something convincing to tell Aro that would keep him out of trouble.
"Um, JACOB BLACK!" Jasper shouted. The entire hot tub looked at him, gob smacked.
"Well Mr. Black , it seems that we will be paying you a visit very soon. Felix!" Aro shouted.
"I seem to be in need of your assistance." Jasper was about to reply, when out of nowhere his hand grew hot.
"Sorry about your phone, Jacob. But we couldn't take the risk of this call being discovered by anyone under any circumstances. Also, you pissed us off. You can thank Felix," Aro's laughter tinkled through the phone as it slowly began to melt in his hand. He threw it on the ground and glared at Alice, who was silent.
"Jasper what did you DO?" Bella exclaimed. "Why oh WHY would you say JACOB'S name of all people?"
"It was the first name I thought of! And can you imagine the mass confusion this will cause?" Jasper asked, defensive. His family thought for a moment, and then burst out laughing.
"Okay you're forgiven," Alice said. "I'm having serious doubts that my fingers and toes will ever dry out, so I'm going inside. Who's coming with me?" Everyone agreed with her, and they started heading inside to dry off and change. They reached the door, and when they pulled it open Carlisle and Esme stumbled out on to the porch.
"What are you DOING?!" Rosalie exclaimed, shocked. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Children… What you just did…was not only…dangerous, but also…very stupid!" Carlisle said between giggles. Watching him standing there, giggling like a schoolgirl, was too much for the children, who immediately burst out laughing as well.