It was just another day on the Normandy. Female Shepard strolled down to the elevator and waited ten minutes (approximation). When it came to the end, she walked off into the armory place where all your crew is except for those ones you can have sex with. Female Shepard hated Kaiden. Hated him so very much. The only reason she ever asked him for his opinions was so she could belittle him at a later date.

She also hated Liara. All the other Asari were hot, but she had a weird thing going on with her face. I can't explain it, it's just weird. So, Female Shepard wanted to see the more interesting members of her crew(Not Ashley, remember, I said interesting) (Also, this does not include Seth Green, because I think he only has the one conversation). It's important to note that Female Shepard was a RENEGADE, and thus "cool" and "badass", even though she just acted like an assface most of the time.

First she went to see Garrus. "So, Garrus, the one Turian that's not an asshole, what's another story you have about C-Sec and how being here rocks that on its face." She said.

"Well, there was this one time…"


The Chief of C-Sec was sitting at his desk, when Garrus came in. "Dammit Garrus Vakarian! You're a Goddamn loose cannon!"

"I get results, Chief," Garrus muttered. "Blowing up City Hall was a small price to pay for stopping that organ smuggler."

"Goddammit Vakarian! That organ smuggler had only taken two thousand credits of organs! You destroyed over half a million credits of city property! I'm takin' your badge and your eye patch, and you ain't getting' dem back this time!"

"Listen Chief, I'll be back on the streets, as a vigilante, catching perps and blowing up buildings on my own time."


"And that's why they decided to keep me in C-Sec," Garrus finished his explanation. Female Shepard was faced with choices.

-You're bad and you should feel bad!

-I don't really care either way.

- Hellz yeah!

Being a RENEGADE, she chose the last option. "That's good, ya did reaaaaal good work there, Garrus."

"Exactly, Commander." Garrus said, because he always responds positively to the RENEGADE choices. "Is there anything else you wanted to ask?"

"Actually," She said, "How DID you get that eyepatch?"


Garrus is sitting at the bar in Flux with his partner, Schmelvin Bogogogogo, who was an older Turian. Schmelvin looked over his drink, then said to Garrus, "Still can't believe it. Tomorrow's my last day at C-Sec after forty years on the force."

"Heh, bet the wife is happy about that one," Garrus said.

"You bet. Takin' her and the kids out to…some resort planet in a few weeks," Schmelvin said. Suddenly, he exploded. One of his fingers flew out as shrapnel and hit Garrus in the eye.

"GAH! MY EYE!" Garrus yelled, gripping his head. When the smoke cleared, he realized what had happened. Cradling the remains of Schmelvin (Which was a half a piece of ribcage), he looked to the cruel heavens, his features etched with fury, and he bellowed "MENDOOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAA!"


"And that's why I wear this eyepatch." Garrus finished.


-Golly Gee Mr. Garrus, that must have HURT.

-I don't really care either way.

-Soldiers die.

Again, she chose the last option. "That's what happens, people die, especially when facing retirement."

"Exactly, Commander. It's a natural part of life, but it still gets me sometimes."

Female Shepard nodded and sagely noted, "Watching others die gets a little easier every time it happens."

Ashley butted into the conversation, "No offense, ma'am, but I'm glad you're on our side."

"Shut up Ashley, important people are talking," Female Shepard hissed.

"Exactly, Commander." Garrus agreed.

"Nobody likes me," Ashley said sadly to herself, before muttering, "I hate you, you Goddamn alien."

"I should go," Female Shepard said.

"Commander," Garrus nodded as she left towards the engine room.


Tali was gawking at the engines like always. "Hello, Commander!" She greeted in her weird accent. Is it supposed to be some kind of Russian? Definitely European of some kind.

"I just wanted to tell you that although I don't use you on the battle party, as Wrex and Garrus are just too awesome, you are the only female on the ship I don't want to beat to death with a shovel."

"Oh…Thank you?"

"Yes, yes, thanks all around. So…"


"Tell me more about yourself, Tali. Let me inside your head, though not in a gay way." She had to put that disclaimer ever since Liara tried to mindrape her.

"Oh, well, I'm a Quarian, I like machines, once I fought a Super Geth."

"A Super Geth?" Female Shepard asked.

"Yes, like a regular Geth, only super. Anyways, it had me cornered, and I was all out of ammo, when suddenly…"

"I should go," Shepard said, walking off.

"See you later," Tali said.

When walking back to talk with Wrex, Liara appeared in front of Female Shepard. "You know," Liara said, "As an Asari, I can have sex with ANYTHING!" She winked.

"No thanks."

"Oh my God! I'm so drunk!" Liara said suddenly, "I hope nobody takes advantage of me! Because I'm drunk, so they'd get away with it!"

Shepared inched around Liara and went to Wrex. "Shepard," The Krogan greeted.

"Wrex, I have a question for you," She said, "Krogans are biogenetically engineered, right?"

"More or less."

"Are you engineered………for pleasure?" She asked. The bassline from the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Tell Me Baby" began playing.

"…Ok." Wrex said. They then did filthy, filthy things that would not allow. They defied the laws of physics.

…Krogans have four testicles. It's canon, so I'm allowed to say it. Four testicles. Yep. That's three times the amount of a one-testicled man, plus an extra testicle. I've said testicle so much in this paragraph the word has lost all meaning. Luckily, "balls" still works.

"The only problem is, we Krogans are pretty much sterile. You ain't getting kids like this." Wrex said after the deed had been done.

Shepard was presented with choices again.

-Oh no! I wanted kids! 

-I don't really care either way.

-I hate kids.

Of course, she chose lucky number three.

"Kids are whiny and they smell awful," Female Shepard said.

Then Garrus popped in, "Exactly, Commander."

Then Tali walked in with a bowl of popcorn. "Who wants popcorn? AHH!" She shrieked when she saw Shepard and Wrex, "Get a room you two!"

"We were in a room! Well, see you Wrex," Shepard said.

"Shepard," The Krogan nodded.