What's this madness you say? A Christmas fic in January! Utter rubbish!
But if you were to say this, it wouldn't be very polite, so don't...please. Anyway, yes it is a bit delayed and I aplologize, but come on, who doesn't get behind during the holidays? Well, I suppose all you guys who actually posted a seasonally appropriate story...details, details.
My second LWD fic, I haven't watched the show since Derek and Emily had that fake date that Casey spied on (again, BUSY, so get off my ass! oh, you weren't on it? pity...) so this may be kinda off. And I bet Canada uses the metric system, but I am but a simple American so I used the English one, for what you will have to read to find out. But yeah, on with it and I own nothing (except the new laptop I got for Christmas and am writing this on, WOO-HOO!) Enjoy!
"Smerek the snowman, was a silly willy soul!"
It was a cold, blustery, (but still quite jolly,) holiday at the Venturi-McDonald household...
"Smartie cut it out, I can't hear myself think!"
"Hmm, that's actually quite surprising. I would think a resounding echo of that magnitude would be quite loud."
Well, kinda jolly...
"How clever Casey! Did you think up that stinging retort last night, holed away in your spinsterly little room while everyone who actually has a life was out enjoying being on holiday?"
If by jolly you mean...spirited?
"Mom, seriously! Do you see how he treats me! Do you see the cruelty? Just how hard did you hit your head when you conncocted this little excursion?"
Yes, the household we speak of certainly was full of spirits tonight.
"I'm going to have to agree with the old maid on this one, no bueno on the excursion. There is no way I am going to have the fun sucked out of today by wasting it with her."
Maybe it was the spirit of giving, or the spirit of good cheer, or the spirit of...
"I am not a fun sucker!"
Ahh, the spirit of fun-sucking...
"It's not like you have anything else to suck..."
"Young man, I heard that!" George said with a frown, turning around from the coffee pot and bringing a steaming mug for Nora and himself to the kitchen table where the argument was centered.
"Heard what? I want a sucker! Grape please!"
"A grape sucker Smartie? I don't think we have any of those around here, guess we'll have to go to the store!" Derek told his sister, swinging her up into his arms, "See you guys later, me and the Smartie are outta here."
"Yeah, hasta la pasta!" she squealed.
"Not so fast."
"No, faster, much faster. Go away. Bye Martie!" Casey encouraged, smiling saccharinely.
"Sorry little lady, but you and your brother aren't going anywhere. He has to go to the tree farm with Casey."
"Geez Dad, but Casey smells like feet!" Derek whining, instantly dissolving Martie into giggles while simultaneously bringing Casey up from her seat and to her aforementioned, and evidently stinky, feet.
"I do not! Mom! George! Are you guys even listening to this! There is absolutely no way we can civilly cooperate if he refuses to act like anything remotely resembling an adult!"
"Well who wants to act like an old person? Oh yeah, that's right, you. 'Can you pass the ex-lax Walter, I'm in for an exciting Saturday night!'"
"No fair, I still want a sucker!"
"Casey, Derek, it isn't that you two can't cooperate, you just chose not to. That's why getting the family Christmas tree will be good for you. It will force you to, I don't know, maybe bond a little bit by working together." Nora told the pair with a sigh.
"Bond? You think sending me out into the wilderness with him to chop down a tree will bond us? Most likely he will knock me over the head with the blunt end of an axe and then leave me for dead out in the snow!" sulked Casey, sinking back into her chair.
"Dammit Casey, you've been reading my secret diary again, haven't you!"
"Ohh, Smerek said a bad word!"
"Martie, I'm serious, go play in your room! And Derek, watch your language!" There was a certain edge to George's tone now.
"See, look at his disregard for rules and propensity for vulgarity! I can't spend the day with this sort of person!"
"Casey, it's been decided. Your mother and I promised the younger kids we would have a tree by this weekend, but with our schedules being what they are we simply don't have the time. So now it is up to the two of you to drive up to the tree farm and bring one back. End of discussion."
"But why do we have to go together! Why can't I take Lizzie or Emily?" Casey pouted, shooting her stepbrother a dirty look across the table.
"Because, Lizzie's soccer team has its Christmas party tonight, and I can only imagine the results of you and Emily trying to load a nine-foot Christmas tree on top of the car."
"Mom! That's totally sexist!"
"So you're fine with cutting down a tree by yourself?"
"Well, no... but I could bring Brogan to help me!"
"Brogan? Who the hell is Brogan?"
"Shut up Derek. Brogan happens to be a very nice boy who-"
"Bakes an excellant quiche and jacks off to Beethoven." Derek finished for her with a gleeful smile.
"Seriously Derek!" spit out a flustered Casey, "Brogan is my friend and he doesn't do disgusting...things like that!"
"Well if he doens't then he's even more of a pus-"
"Son, I'm not going to tell you again!"
"Fine, fine. So since Casey is too weak then I'll just take go to the farm myself."
"I don't think so. Don't act like you won't buy the cheapest tree you can find outside a grocery store and then blow the rest of the money at a drive-thru on the way over to Kendra's." George told his oldest dryly.
"That hurts. Deeply. Okay, how about I just take Sam. He's practically a woman so he'll keep me in line."
"Then I'll take Brogan."
"Enough, from the both of you! Christmas is a time for family and so you two are going to find a tree together, like a family!"
"But he/she isn't my family!" came the simultanous uproar.
"Close enough! Now get your coats."
"Okay lets get one thing straight, my unwanted passenger. I've got plans tonight that don't involve getting pointy little pine needles stuck in places on my body where pine needles shouldn't be stuck. So here's what's going down, I'm gonna to grab a tree from (insert Canadian hardware-type, Home Depo-ish store that sells trees here) and I'll split the change with you 60-40 if you can manage to keep your big mouth shut. Capiche?
"What! Whatever Derek, that's not even remotely fair. For one, I do not have a big mouth, and two, why do you get 60 and I only get...Hey, wait a minute!" Casey exclaimed, taking a pause from buckling her seatbelt as Derek reversed George's car out of the driveway. "Umm, I think not! That is precisely why I was forced into coming along, to keep you in check and assure Mom and George that you wouldn't be a total idiot and waste their money! Most definitely not."
"Because, that is precisely... I just told you why not you dumbass!"
"Uh oh, Princess Casey used foul language. I feel seriously uncomfortable and violated. Now shut your big mouth up and go along with my plan or I'll tell the parentals you showered me in profanity."
"Ohhh, what an outstanding idea Derek, because they are totally more apt to believe you and everything."
"Are you doubting my credibility?" Derek questioned, to which Casey raised an eyebrow and he shrugged defeatedly. "Why the hell do you have to be such a stickler for rules? Don't you ever just want to have a little fun?"
"I have plenty of fun, thank you very much, it's just that my idead of fun that doesn't have to involve breaking any sort of rules."
"So you're seriously doing to drag my ass to this ridiculous tree farm and make me chop down a freaking tree?"
"A great, big, heavy, beautiful freaking tree." Casey retorted, sliding on her sunglasses against the icy glare of the winter sun against the snow.
"Well what about this one? It looks good to me."
"Yeah Derek, you're actually right about that... except for the fact that it has a gaping three foot hole right in the middle of it!"
"So we'll just put that part in the back! No one will ever notice."
"No. Moving on."
"What the hell Casey!"
"What the hell Casey what?"
"What the hell Casey we've been at this stupid place for five hours already, just pick a damn tree!"
"Twenty minutes actually, but nice try with the five hours part. I'll be sure to tell your tutor that you are begining to grasp the concept of telling time."
"Ha, ha. Can we just take this one and be done with it?"
"That one is four feet tall. So yet again, that would be a definite no."
"Whatever. Tell you what. I'm going to go grab a cup of hot chocolate from up at the little log cabin/gift shop/paying place type thing and you just give me a call when you've found your perfect little Christmas tree, okay sis?"
"Don't call me that. But fine, just go flake out on this, like you do everything else. Good riddance."
"Same to you."
"Could you not steal my insults, thanks. Yeah, just keep on walking...Oh my God!" Casey said, her last remark in a voice barely above a whisper as she ducked behind a nearby tree.
"What, you miss me already? Can't say I blame you of course, I-"
"Derek shut the fuck up and get over here. Now!"
"Wow. Listen to that language! Damn Casey, if only darling Brogan could hear you now! He might think you were some kinda badass, being all stealthy and shit...so what exactly are we hiding from anyway?" he whispered back, siding up next to her behind the massive conifer.
"Brogan! He's right over there, with his sister looking at those trees! I can't let him see me all by myself at the tree farm like some kind of total loser!"
"Umm, Case, I hate to break it to you, but you are a total loser."
"Oh shut up. I don't know why I thought you would be any help. Just go and get your stupid hot chocolate and I'll-"
"Damn, Brogan and his sister are pretty close, huh?"
"You just said that, you know. Your material is getting a little stale lady, maybe you should think up some new stuff next Friday, since I gather you won't be spending it with the lovely Brogan over there."
"You're an asshole, just... just go away!" Casey sputtered out, her voice breaking as she watched Brogan wrap his arms tighter around the petite redhead who was currently attempting to devour his face in the midst of several large spruces.
"Hey, you aren't seriously stressing out over this guy are you? I mean-"
"I said go away Derek!" she exclaimed a bit louder than she had intended, causing Slutty McRedhead to crack open an eye in their direction. Casey bit her lip and unsuccessfully tried to will away the treacherous tears building in her eyes.
"Fine, if you won't leave then I will." she snapped, hastily swiping at the first rebellious escaping tears as she turned on her heel to make a getaway. Too quick a getaway evidently, as her foot slipped out from beneath her in the snow and her ankle twisted oddly before giving out and causing her to collapse in a tangled heap.
"Whoa, Casey! Are you okay?" Derek asked, dropping to his knees beside her.
"Fine. Great. Fucking dandy, why do you ask?" she snarled through clenched teeth, eyes glued to Brogan as he took a giggling Whorey McFirecrotch by the hand and led her to a more dense grove of trees.
"Lemme see." Both of her gloved hands were clutched tightly around her ankle, and as he managed to pry them off he grimaced at its awkward angle. "That doesn't look good."
"Wow. You think?"
"I'm trying to help Casey."
"Well as honored as I am to be your first, I would rather you just not, okay?"
"Sure, no problem, I'll just go get that cup of hot chocolate and you call me when you've cut down that tree okay?" He snapped, standing quickly to his feet.
"Sounds like an awesome idea!"
"Fi- what the hell are you doing Derek?!"
"Helping you, whether you like it or not." he told her brusquely, bending to gather her crumpled form up in his arms, bridal style.
"I don't need your help!"
"Seriously woman? I knew you were stubborn, but I thought you were supposed to be the smart one?"
"By the way, I hate you."
"Right back at ya sis." He replied, steadying the two of them before heading out into the trees.
"This is so flipping typical."
"You aren't being much help here either princess."
"And just how, pray tell, am I supposed to help! I'm a cripple! And you're the great big manly man who managed to get us lost in a tree farm in the middle of winter!"
"It's getting dark too, don't forget about that."
"Glad to see you find our situation so hilarious. Nevermind the fact that my ankle is now roughly the size of a grapefruit, my remaining working appendages are turning blue, we don't have cell phone reception and we still haven't found a tree!"
"You have got to be kidding me. You aren't seriously expecting us to still find a tree are you?"
"Yeah, God forbid I actually honor a commitment."
"Hey, I honor my commitments!"
"How is it possible that your nose isn't the size of a baseball bat?!" Casey exclaimed, throwing her arms up into the air in exasperation and barely avoiding smacking Derek in the face with them.
"Pinnochio you idiot!"
"Well excuse me for not being as well-versed as yourself in children's fairytales. I should try spending my Friday nights in bed watching cartoons so maybe I can be as cool as you."
"Funny words coming from a guy who just passed the same tree for the THIRD TIME!"
"What? How do you know?"
"It's that one with the three foot hole. Right there on your left. Look familiar, oh fearless leader?"
"Damn." he muttered, coming to a stop beside the tree he couldn't help but admit he recognized.
"Yeah, thats what I thought! Now what are we going to do to get out of here before we freeze to death and die!"
"It isn't that cold, Casey."
"Isn't that cold? Isn't that cold! Derek we are in a forest, in Canada, in December, and I can't- whoa, what are you doing?" she asked, suddenly finding herself once again sitting in a pile of snow as Derek deposited her none too softly in a bank. "What's...why...are you seriously going to just leave me here?! Wow, I knew you were a selfish jerk Derek, but deserting a girl with a broken ankle? That's an all time low, even for you."
"I'm not leaving you." he grumbled, wiggling out of his coat with some difficulty and throwing the heavy green ski jacket at her roughly.
"What's this for?"
"Come on genius, you said you were cold."
"Huh? But, Derek...I can't take your coat. You'll freeze." she said, holding the thing as though she were scared of it.
"Dammit, Casey, just put it on and shut the hell up won't you!" He snapped, avoiding her gaze as he scowled into the distance.
"Don't yell at me, okay! I know that you're pissed off at me as usual, but you aren't the only one who wishes they weren't here you know! I'm not exactly relishing your company either! I kind of just got my heart broken if you even noticed! Plus, I'm cold and scared and hurt and-"
When his lips crashed down on hers she instanly forgot any and all thoughts of cold or scared or hurt. She forgot thoughts of anger and frustration and Christmas trees and Brogan and any other minute little detail that had possibly ever deemed itself worthy of thought before this point. She forgot anything else except the mind-blowing, body-tingling warmth that was coursing through her veins at that very instant, even to the point that she forgot to respond to his lips with her own.
He pulled away abruptly after a moment or two of delivering the unrequited kiss. She didn't move a muscle at his departure, her unresponsive lips still parted in muted exclamation, her face frozen in shock, while his was rapidly aquiring a blazing shade of scarlet, (from either cold or embarrassment, but most likely a bit of both). He picked her up without uttering another word, rising abruptly to his somewhat unsteady feet, and set off into the growing darkness yet again.
"What... what was that for?" she asked rather breathlessly after several minutes of walking in uncomfortable silence.
"To shut you up."
"To shut me up? You shut me up by kissing me?"
"Well... I couldn't think of anything else, okay! You just wouldn't talking, and that Brogan guy is an asshole, and..."
"And nothing. It was nothing."
"Really? So if I start yelling at you again right now you won't do anything?"
He slowed to a stop then, furrowing his eyebrows in perplexed concentration while staring into the darkness. He lowered his head to look the girl in his arms squarely in the eye for the first time that night, and said in a low voice, "Do you want me to do anything?"
It was funny, really, how when all was said and done George and Nora couldn't tell the difference from a store bought tree and one that their eldest children had cut down themselves. After all, Casey and Derek must have exhausted themselves chopping the great big thing down, what with the way they ran off to bed as soon as they arrived back home.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
I'm pretty sure this is the longest oneshot I've ever written, but I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe I should have made this a chaptered thing, but that just simply isn't my forte. Hope you guys enjoyed this and your holidays!