Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, the plot of Absolute Boyfriend, or any of these characters.

My best friend recommended this manga, Absolute Boyfriend, and I am now infatuated with it. Then I got the idea for Akatsuki having absolute girlfriends and made sure there wasn't already something like that on fanfiction.

Summary: The hit band, Akatsuki, is having trouble finding girlfriends. When the lead singer Itachi orders a 'figure' from a website, she turns out to be a model built to exist solely for him. What happens when the other members order girls too?


Itachi stretched out on the hotel suite's sofa. Beside him, Kisame glared at a silver cell phone and punched in some numbers. Beep beep beep beep. Then he swore and slammed the phone shut. The little device began vibrating and the chorus of 'Thanks for the Memories' trilled. Kisame glared at it.

"Miyuki getting on you again?" Itachi asked. Kisame pressed the off button on the phone.

"That chick is seriously pissing me off. She wants me to go watch a movie with her, and to go to that beach, that one where you cut your ankle and had to get a tetanus shot last time."

"That's not too bad."

Kisame flicked potato chip crumbs from his fingers. "Yeah. If you like Sydney White."

"Why do these girls annoy us so much, senpai?" Tobi asked from the kitchen. Deidara sighed and opened the fridge. He tried to detach an energy bar from the package, but it seemed to be frozen tight to the other bars. Some five-star reputation this hotel seemed to have. Their fridges certainly didn't show it.

"Money, yeah. Money, and fame. Who doesn't want to instantly raise their importance in this damn world by having a rich, famous boyfriend, hmm?"

"That's so greedy!"

"Tell me about it, un."

"Will you all shut up?" Zetsu snarled from the bedroom. "Not everyone is in desperate need of a girlfriend. And I'm trying to get this paint off. Damn, I'm never using dollar store face crap again."

"Hear that, Kakuzu? Even Zetsu thinks you're a money whore," Hidan smirked from his spot next to the television.

"Shut up. You should get a girlfriend too. Maybe she could stop you from bleeding all over the carpets and costing me dozens every time you have the urge to slit your wrists," Kakuzu looked up from the other bedroom where stacks of bills were piled around him on the table.

"Rich bitch."

"If it wasn't for me than you'd all be cheated out of concert paychecks," Kakuzu hissed.

"Please stop fighting! You know I hate it when we disagree," Tobi pleaded.

There was a knock on the door. "Mail delivery," rang a woman's voice. Itachi walked over and opened the door. A middle-aged woman with iron-coloured curls piled in a beehive hairdo shoved a stack of boxes and a bag full of what looked like fanmail at him.

"Arigatou, have a good evening." Itachi made to close the door. The cranky maid shoved her foot between the crack. She cleared her throat. Raising an eyebrow, Itachi pulled a few yen out of his pocket and handed it to the woman. She retracted her foot and slammed the door shut.

Sasori plucked a letter out of the bulging bag. "Dear Akatsuki, OMG!! I love your songs sooooo much! Please keep going, you're doing great!" (sounds like something my ten-year-old cousin would write)

"Akatsuki- g3t a l1fe, u guys r wastinng it dis sh1t. It's signed anonymous and written in newspaper cutout letters," Itachi read.

"And here's some business thing for Pein. Our manager gets almost as much mail as we do," Kisame stuffed it in a folder labeled 'Manager'.

"Hidan-baby, when will we meet again? I spend my days dreaming of your voice and nights remembering your slender fingers in my-" Hidan snatched the letter from Itachi and threw it in the fireplace.

"Crack whore. You don't want to know."

One flyer with an odd print caught Itachi's eye. He carried it to the room he and Kisame shared and sat down on his bed.

From: Kronos Heaven Company

To: Akatsuki

Akatsuki,

It has come to our attention that several members of your band are in need of partners. I, Namikiri Gaku, am currently staying in the suite next to your own. Gomen nasai, but I happened to overhear your conversation while standing on the balcony.

If you would like to order your very own figure girlfriends, please go to the url on my business card.

This is CONFIDENTIAL and must not be relayed to anyone other than your group.

Namikiri Gaku, Kronos Heaven Co

It looked like a load of crap. But out of curiousity, Itachi booted up his laptop and typed in the url. Lover hmm? Sounded like a porno site.

A picture of an attractive blonde girl came up on the screen. She had a mysterious, secretive smile and was nude with her arms covering her chest.

A porn site. He was probably going to get a virus.

A flashing sign on the bottom left of the site caught his eye. Free 3-Day Trial, order now! Amused, he clicked on it.

What gender will your figure be? Itachi entertained the idea of a male lover to see if it would work well with Deidara. He'd always wondered if the blonde drummer/ sculptor really was male. Itachi clicked Female.

Options (what do you want your figure to have?): Itachi pondered that. He typed in his preferences.

Not clingy.

Not whiny.

Can think for herself.

Attractive.

Loyal.

Intelligent.

Not a pushover.

Well, that thing did say insert your preferences. He typed in the address of the hotel and the suite number. A flashing 'Thank you! We hope you are satisfied with your figure!' bounced around on the screen. He clicked 'exit' and shut the laptop off.

It was probably just a hoax. At least he hadn't been scammed of any money. Later that night, Itachi brought up the Lover Shop with the other members. They all dismissed the site as spam crap and Kakuzu threatened to reduce Itachi's paycheck if that figure turned out to cost money.

Akatsuki's. Absolute. Girlfriends.

"Tobi's late," Kisame remarked. The band members were at the suite's large dining table. Sasori was mixing a salad to go with their take-out pizza, for 'vitamins and calcium'.

"Did you send him on another stupid errand for 'high quality clay' again, Deidara?" The secondary vocalist/ puppet maker pointed the butter knife accusingly.

"He probably got lost or something, that goofball, yeah." There was a huge crash at the door.

"Guys!" Tobi cried. They all ran to the noise.

And stopped right in their tracks.

A pair of strange men wearing sunglasses were at the door. They were carrying a huge box stamped with 'Kronos Heaven Company- One Lover Figure'. One man held out his hand to them.

"Uchiha Itachi?"

"Yes," Itachi replied. The other man extended an oddly stiff hand holding a paper. The Akatsuki members examined it. It appeared to be some sort of contract. Skimming the paper, which was a confirmation of the free three day trial, Itachi signed it. (Come on, who actually reads those contracts word for word? Like those Terms & Conditions for getting a site membership)

"Sigggature, please."

"I just signed it." There was something odd about those men.

"Thank you. We hope you will be pleased with your figure." They turned down the hall and disappeared. Then there was another crash. Everyone turned to look at the source of the noise.

"Hehe… whoops. I tripped," Tobi apologized sheepishly. His ankle was lodged in the huge box, which had split open. But the broken box was of no interest to Akatsuki. Wrapped in pink tissue paper and ribbon, a girl's body was half hidden under the cardboard.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God." Hidan stared at the box.

"It really did come." Itachi spotted a manual among the tissue paper. As he leaned over to pick it up, he caught a glance of the girl's bare shoulders. Out of a hunch, he pulled the hotel robe out of a closet and covered her with it. Screw the porn site for sending the chick naked.

"This figure has a sensor on its lips to detect human temperature."

"I guess that's how you wake her up," Kisame said, peeking over Itachi's shoulders.

"Like Snow White," Zetsu snickered. "Go get her, Prince Charming Itachi."

Itachi gave him the finger. Then, he leaned over the girl's face. She was the same girl on the background of that Lover Shop website. Up close, she had shoulder length blonde hair and, after pulling her eyelid, forest green eyes.

"She's cold." Sasori too was leaning over her. He touched her arm. "Soft. Has human skin. But she's cold."

"She has no pulse, un."

Itachi sighed. Did he really have to do this? He supposed if anyone came in, not that they would, he could say he was practicing CPR. If you looked at the whole situation from a bystander's point of view, it was pretty ridiculous. He could see the news headlines: AKATSUKI: Hot Heartthrobs or Desperate Dudes? (Man, what a dumb title. But it has alliteration.)

They all stared at the girl for a moment.

"Sooooo... you going to do it, Itachi?" Tobi asked.

"Yeah, go Weasel." Hidan clapped him on the back. A little too hard for the Uchiha's liking, because it was just hard enough to make him fling forward and crash right onto the figure. Whose lips were actually rather nice.

Behind him, he could hear his fellow Akatsuki members gasp.

A pulse suddenly came alert in the girl's body. Her skin became warm; it was already soft but now it was more human-like. She opened her eyes. Put on the robe. The figure fixed her eyes on him.

"No. Fucking. Way." Hidan muttered in disbelief.

The girl smiled. "Hey, boyfriend." Then she reached forward, pulled Itachi close, and placed a kiss on his lips to the incredulity of the other members.


Was that an alright first chapter? I know, I have three other fics going, but this one wouldn't leave me alone.

I'm sorry. I don't take pairing requests for this fic, but ItaTema fans will not be disappointed :)

Thanks for reading this. Please review! (I know, I'm ostentatiously trying to get reviews.)