A/N: For all you people that have been in the Zim fandom for several years now, do you remember, way back when Nickelodeon first announced cancellation, all the fics that popped up about the cast of Invader Zim raiding Nickelodeon Studios and getting revenge, usually (for reasons I can't quite understand now) involving rescuing Jhonen Vasquez from some Nick dungeon and torturing Spongebob? No? Am I the only one? Oh well. In any case, I guess this could be considered a (very late) potshot at those fics. Either that, or I just wrote something silly. Lookit me go.
Disclaimer: Oh, honestly. You tell me. Do I own Invader Zim?
Dear Evil Nickelodeon Overlords,
Greetings, you cruel show-killing demons. Er, we mean... rulers of Nickelodeon Studios. We don't know if you still remember us, but we are the Almighty Tallest, supreme leaders of the Irken Empire. If that doesn't ring a bell, then we are the two leaders of the planet "Invader" Zim was banished from. (Honestly, we don't know what you were thinking in creating a show about someone as crazy, stupid, and short as Zim. He was banished, for Slark's sake. You never would have had to cancel if you'd been smart and made the show about us instead of him.)
We understand that you've received a great deal of trouble over the past few years for the cancellation of "Invader Zim" (which is a stupid title for a show, you would've gotten MUCH better ratings if it had been called "Almighty Tallest"), and we don't want to cause any more trouble for you. Really. Yeah, we're just as annoyed about the sudden cessation of all progress of the Irken Empire towards its eventual glorious universal conquest as everyone else is, but we are still wise leaders. See, we know that if we annoy you, you can just take all the episodes featuring us Tallest off the air, and then were will our poor Empire be without us?
On a related note, we apologize on behalf of Zim (who's too big of an idiot to apologize on his own) for... er, bothering you so much about his cancellation. We also promise to send a year's supply of snacks to every still-living member of Nickelodeon as payment for that attack with the transforming jets. We swear, we had no idea Zim was in communication with Hasbro, and we're still trying to figure out how he convinced the Decepticons to raid Nickelodeon Studios.
Now, we did write this message for a reason. Specifically, this is a thank-you letter. Yes, that's right. We want to thank you for the cancellation of "Invader Zim" (as much as we loathe to admit it to you pompous fools). See, we discovered recently that there were plans for a TV movie at the conclusion of the eventual Season 5 of the show, a movie that would mark the end of the series. In this movie, to be titled "Invader Dib," one of the pitiful worm-babies from that planet Zim was banished to would infiltrate planet Irk and, eventually, bring about the downfall of the entire Irken race.
We can't even begin to describe the horrified tremblings in our squeedily-spooches when we learned of these... wicked schemes. Therefore, on behalf of all Irkens everywhere (with the exception of Zim, who claims that he can "defy their stupid plot and bring victory to Irk"), we thank you profusely for sparing our Empire the horrible, horrible fate of defeat at the meaty hands of the human Dib. If it weren't for your foresight in canceling "Invader Zim," we can't imagine what terrors our Empire would go through, while we, their mostly-benevolent dictators, would have to helplessly watch.
In short, we offer our eternal gratitude to you for saving the Irken race from an ignoble extinction, and stress that although we do not enjoy cancellation, we nevertheless understand that it's for the best, and ask that you please endeavor to make sure that the show is never brought back from its well-deserved death. (A show about Zim is a pretty stupid idea anyway.)
Red and Purple, the Almighty Tallest of the Irken Empire
P.S. If you ever feel like revisiting the ideas of "Invader Zim" from a slightly different angle, we'd be more than willing to assist in the creation of a show with a better ending, focusing on the more important aspects of Irken society. Specifically, us. Have your people call our people. And tell them to bring chips.