Crack Whims

By: firefly

Note: this here shall be where my collection of crack drabbles (written for challenges and the like) will go. You'll find an insane range and very, very odd pairs. A bit of something for everybody, I think. :D Here's the first of many to come. Enjoy

Characters: Sasuke, Neji

Prompt: Buttplug

You could have cut the tension with a knife. Had someone suddenly walked in on the two geniuses, he or she would have bolted upon feeling the cold, overwhelming vibes of haughtiness and contempt they were radiating.

Minutes passed, and finally the poker-faced Hyuuga prodigy decided to play the mature adult.

"You get the left side of the room, Uchiha."

Sasuke's eyes darkened.

"I don't recall when I agreed to you calling the shots."

Neji's translucent eyes remained unblinking in an effort to unnerve the clearly immature and foolish boy.

"If you'd like it the other way around, I won't complain."

"Don't patronize me, Hyuuga."

"Then don't act like a child, Uchiha."

Sasuke sneered and turned away, hoping to give the impression that he didn't think enough of Neji to bother arguing with him. Neji managed to resist rolling his eyes at the younger Genin and proceeded to start cleaning out the office.

Why Gai and Kakashi decided to pair their team members for this simple D-rank mission was beyond him, but he refused to be the lesser by complaining and agreed to clean and organize one of the academy's unused offices.

"Where did Kakashi-sensei say the paperwork was supposed to go?" Neji asked without turning, watching Sasuke kneel and empty some cupboards through the back of his head.

Sasuke was tempted to say "up your ass", but refrained and merely pointed to the recycling bin in the hall.

They continued their work in silence for the next ten minutes, and Sasuke was just about to demolish a string of cobwebs when Neji spoke.

"What…is this?" judging from the tone of his voice, one could say he spoke out of…innocent fascination.

Sasuke stood up as Neji turned around and faced him, holding some transparent, plastic package in his hand. Feeling somewhat curious himself about the strange object inside, Sasuke took a few steps forward till he was standing before the older Genin.

"It looks like…some kind of…" Neji muttered to himself, turning the package this way and that. "…device."

"Open it," Sasuke ordered.

Neji merely did as he was told, tearing open the packet and letting the object fall into Sasuke's outstretched hands. For a moment, they just stood looking at the device in morbid fascination, reading the term "butt plug" on the tag and not really realizing the significance of it.

Wordlessly, Neji took the thing from Sasuke's hands and looked at it closely, then slowly grew pale as understanding hit him.

Sasuke calmly took it back as Neji stared at his hands in horror, looking absolutely mortified. "Oh God…I touched it!"

The so-called mature adult persona spontaneously combusted as soon as he rushed out of the room and to the nearest washroom to wash his hands with bleach.

Using his prodigious analytical skills, Sasuke discovered the secret to making the famed Hyuuga Neji spaz and therefore ruin his image. Allowing a small smile to creep up on his face, he inconspicuously pocketed the device and walked towards the washroom.