Yachiru idly swung her legs from her perch on top of Kuchiki Byakuya's desk, absentmindedly eyeing her surroundings as she chewed on one of the buns the preoccupied captain given her earlier.
Byakuya, Yachiru decided, was far less fun than the other captains had been so far. Ken-chan being away for so long was such a bore for her, and she wished Captain Mom would just let him out of the hospital, of whatever it was she was doing with him that had taken over a week so far.
It was too bad that she wasn't in charge anymore. It's not like she wasn't supposed to be- she was the division's second-in-command, after all! But after blowing up those buildings everyone got kinda mad at her like it was her fault or something; which it definitely WASN'T, by the way.
The rest of the week had been fun- she'd gotten to play with a lot of people she hadn't before, and they'd all been very accommodating once they figured out that she was more dangerous if she was ignored.
But this was getting to just be dull. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, all day so far. Ken-chan was a captain too, but he didn't do paperwork all the time like this! She figured that Byakuya must really like working if he was doing it so much when he clearly didn't have to. Or maybe the Sixth Division just had more of it. But why would you need to write down everything unless you're too stupid to remember it?
"Hey, Byakushi? I thought our squad was the one with all the morons, so how come you've got so many?"
He didn't glance up at her. "If you hadn't noticed, Renji used to be in your division. Therefore it's quite clear that our idiots do stem from your hands, Yachiru-fukai-taichou."
"But he hates paperwork, too!"
"…Yes. He does. What exactly, is your point?"
"So he's not one of the one's I'm talking about, that's what I mean."
"Are you saying that my squad members are idiots because they actually fill out their paperwork like they're supposed to?"
"That's because they're well-trained. Follow orders without anyone even asking, like a subordinate should."
"So, the stupid ones are easier to train?"
"Precisely. The smart ones you have to watch out for- they tend to actually think about what they're doing, which can cause problems in the long run. Also difficult are the ones who are too stupid to know they should follow orders."
"That it is."
"So… What kinda dumb does that make Renji?"
"Renji is… smart enough to know when to follow orders, dumb enough to want to argue, and smart enough to know that sometimes it's best not to do either."
"Is 'neither' plotting a quiet rebellion?"
"Nothing that man does is ever 'quiet'. But if by that you mean going as far as directly opposing Seireitei's laws to do what he knows to be right, then yes. And where did you learn a phrase like that, anyway?"
"I dunno, the Women's Association or something, probably. Anyway, so that makes Head-Wound smart, right?"
"I wouldn't go that far… More like, 'not-dumb.'"
There was more silence then, as Yachiru could find no way to further pursue the conversation. Knowing that the Kuchiki was just as fast as her if not more so left her with little hope of starting a game, as he would win 'Let's Steal Byakushi's Funny Hairpins' in just a few seconds like he did last time. 'Let's Mess With Byakushi's Stuff While He's Not Looking' hadn't gone well in the past, either. She opted to talk more.
"So, you must really like Renji, don't you?"
He looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. "What makes you say that?"
"Well, for one thing, you're not trying to get him fired anymore."
"That's only natural. He has proved himself a more than competent vice-captain. I have no reason to wish for his departure from my division."
"Excpet than when you tried to fire Renji, no one would agree with you 'cuz you've already gone through too many vice-captains and they were sick of getting you new ones. You really went out of your way! Like 69-Face? Remember how everyone said that you finally had a Lieutenant you'd be able to work with, that there was no way you'd try to get such an 'outstanding Shinigami' fired, and what'd you do?"
"I had reason for my actions, I assure you."
"Yeah, your reason being you hate everybody. When you couldn't find a reason to fire him, you transferred him to a different squad!"
"The Ninth needed a new vice-captain. I was having problems with mine, so I took the reasonable course of action and donated him to a more needing division."
"Uh-huh. Except that you haven't had a vice-captain last more than a year since I've known you, and how long ago did Ken-chan and me come? You were sorta in need of a lieutenant a little more than the Ninth!"
"And that is where you and I disagree, Yachiru, which is perfectly fine."
"And then there was that one-eyed guy? I never thought anyone but our squad did unauthorized killing of their members, but you proved me wrong there!"
"I did not kill Wanajima. It was an accidental death due to his own insufficiencies in battle, he should of known that even training sessions can result in fatal injuries."
"Yeah, but did you ever have one-on-one training with any of your other division members? Any of your other vice-captains? And since when do you use Ban-Kai for training?"
"I did not use my Ban Kai. Such powerful skills are unnecessary for that kind of worthless cur, my Shikai was more than sufficient for the job."
"The job of killing him? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, most guys you just do that flash-step move for right? Boy, you musta really hated that guy a LOT."
"My personal disputes with Wanajima are completely unrelated to the reason he's no longer with us. Now if you'll please drop the conversation, it would be much appreciated, Fukai-taichou."
"Okay, whatever. But I'm right about you liking Head-Wound, right? Like, like him like him, I bet."
"'Like him like him?' An interesting way to put it. I still fail to see where you're getting such a notion other than my tolerance of his presence in my division."
"Well, that's a pretty good reason in itself, but there's also how you get even more bitchy when he's not around. When he was in that mission in the Living World with Cueball and Frilly-Brows, so I came to play with you instead, you were going nuts! No one in your own squad wanted to go near you 'cuz they were scared you'd bite their head off!"
"That was a very stressful time for all of us."
"You didn't seem to be very stressed out until after Renji was gone, though. An' how crazy you went when Ichi and everyone went to Hollow-ville?"
"Yeah, whatever. The fact that you volunteered to go after them with Ken-chan and me, who went 'cause we wanted to fight, and Clown-face, who wanted to do crazy science stuff there, and Captain Mom, who went to clean up after everyone, the only one with a not so clear reason to was you."
"I went to protect my sister."
"Psht! Since when do you care about her? You were ready to kill her yourself before!"
"That was then. I've since had a change of heart regarding my duties as an older brother."
"Right. 'Cause of Renji."
"No. Renji had very little to do with it."
"Yeah. I'll bet."
"This is beginning to get tiresome, Yachiru."
"Alright, alright. But with all of the other things I could say that you'll just argue against, there's still one fact that proves I'm right."
"And what would this be?"
"You haven't denied it. You've denied my reasons for saying so, but you've never said you don't like him- and I know you well enough to know you'd never lie, Byakushi."
"Well, I believe I'd like to end this conversation now. That is the truth."
"Go ahead, Byakushi! Say it. Say you don't like Renji. Say you're not totally in love with him like I know you are. Go on!"
She looked at him expectantly, grinning wildly. He tried to stare her down, which lasted for several long seconds, before he sighed. "I have an idea, Yachiru. How about I take you out for ice cream, and we never speak of this again. How does that sound?"
She giggled happily and jumped from her perch on his desk to cling to Byakuya's shoulder. "That sounds great, Byakushi! Let's go right now!"
He sighed, and hoisted her up on his shoulders into a position that would actually allow him to walk, muttering to himself about little girls having bad influences and the devil wearing the guise of an innocent as he walked out, closing the door behind him.
AN: Spontaneous Crack Generation strikes again! As it tends to do a lot! This fic isn't actually as good as I'd hoped, but whatever. What happens happens, right?