AN: My first one-shot! Woo hoo! Well, I really should have used this time to write the last chapter of KOK (or at least work on my mountain of homework), but when the plot bunnies attack, you must submit to their will. Even if it's a short little piec of crap, you must.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto or the term "plot bunnies". Yet. evil theme music begins to play

WARNINGS: Slight OOC-ness (what's a crack-fic without it?), bad language, sexual context


Naruto was just walking by the mall when he heard Sasuke say to some guys:

"Man I'm so hard"


A normal person would have walked away and pretended that nothing ever happened, or convinced himself that he had misheard, but well, this was Naruto. He ran over to Sasuke, nearly out of breath, and said,

"What the hell did you just say, teme?"

Sasuke just stared at him and replied, "What do you mean, loser?"

"You know what I mean! You just up and told everyone that you were HARD! What the hell?!"

By now, everyone at the mall entrance was staring. Sasuke didn't seem to be too surprised, but he was blinking more than usual. After about two minutes of staring, He calmly said, "Idiot. Hard is slang. It's like saying 'I'm so cool.' And teme isn't a noun; it's a derogatory - or mean – way of saying 'you'."

After hearing all of this, Naruto had a heavy blush on his face. He was barely even able to stutter out his apologies before running out.


A few days later, Naruto was heading towards the arcade when he noticed Sasuke walking out of the movie theater. Naruto was running up to Sasuke when he overheard Sasuke say something that sounded like "I'm gay"


As soon as Naruto heard this, he rushed over to Sasuke and said,

"Sasuke! WHAT the HELL?!"

Everyone coming out of the movie theater, and half the people on the street turned around, and even Sasuke's eyes were open wider than usual. However, he DID manage to regain his composure before anyone noticed and say, "What do you want, Naruto?"

Naruto was breathing hard and blushing slightly as he said, "Since when are YOU gay?!" .

"What the hell do you mean, moron?"

"Right now! You just said you're gay!"

" 'Gay' means 'happy'."

"No it doesn't!

"If you don't believe me, look it up in the dictionary."

Naruto was about to leave, when he realized something and turned around.

"Wait a minute! You're NEVER happy!"

"Are you really that stupid?"

"But you never smile or laugh or do ANYTHING happiness-related! You only have two emotions: icy depressed emo-bastard and pissed off emo-bastard."

"Idiot, I get happy. I just don't walk around acting as if the sun shines out of my freakin' ass every time I do."

"Oh. Then why are you happy?"

"I was happy because my fangirls were leaving me alone today and I didn't have an annoying blonde brat on my ass, but I guess that's ruined."

Remember that slight blush that Naruto had on earlier? Well, now it was deep enough to go against Hinata's for the deepest blush in Konoha recorded history. Naruto couldn't even apologize before he ran out of the area with Kyuubi-powered speed.


Naruto, after finishing his usual Saturday night ten bowls of Ramen, was getting ready to leave when he heard a familiar voice at one of the tables. And what he said made Naruto white as a sheet.

"Man, I wanted to eat NARUTO so badly!" said Sasuke.

Naruto was about to go over there, before he remembered the last two times he did this.

'It's just my imagination. It's just my imagination. It's just-"

"Next time I'm around here, I'm going to have to have my fill of NARUTO."


That was the sound of whatever rational thinking process Naruto ever had snapping in two.

"You Bastard! What the hell are you doing having dirty thoughts about me in this sacred Ramen shop?!"

"Naruto, I"

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm FLATTERED, but we're best friends/mortal enemies! And your fangirls will kill me! Oh my GOD are there any of them here?!"

"Naruto, I've been meaning to ask you for a while, but are you actually mentally retarded? Or did I hit you in the head too hard during one of our training sessions?"

"B-but I heard you! You said you wanted to EAT me! You said, "Man, I wanted to eat Naruto so badly!"

"Naruto the FISHCAKE. The ingredient in ramen. They ran out because bowls that had it were on sale."

This time, Naruto's blush was not only able to compete with Hinata's, but it was able to knock hers out of the water. He was literally as red as a tomato. Poor Naruto would never be able to show his face at Irichaku's again (for the next two days).


Naruto and Sasuke were walking home for a mission, and they were just about to start walking in opposite directions. They were about to, until Naruto heard Sasuke say,

"I want to fuck you."

'This has to be my imagination again… right?'

"Hey, teme, wait up!"

Sasuke turned around with his usual look of annoyance and said, "What do you want now? And what did I tell you about using that word?"

"U-um, right. But Sasuke, what did you just say?"

"What. Do. You. Want. Now?"

"No, before that. You said, 'I want to fuck you'"


"You meant, 'I want to fuck you… up,' right?"

"No. I said what I meant."


"I want to fuck you. Hard. Anal. In my room. On my bed. Preferably with bondage."

".. WHAT?!"

"It doesn't have to be in my room. How do you feel about Konoha Academy?"

"B-but you said you weren't gay!"

"No, I didn't. I just said that gay means happy."

"B-but …B-but…"

"Are you just going to stand there and stutter like an idiot are are you going to come to my house?"

"Fuck off!"

"Make me."


AN: It's finished. I don't know if it was even worth my – or for that matter – your time, but it's finished, and I'm posting it. Before I go, though, I have one last message:

If you've read KOK, then you'd know that every time a person reads my stories without reviewing, a chibi gets denied a cookie. This time, it's a chibi Sasuke. If you don't give him a cookie, he'll cry big chibi emo-tears of blood. DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?!