A/N: I know this chapter's awful but I gotta end it somehow, so I can get on with fresh, new projects :D This one has been hell to write. OMG! my Doctor Who Pest Control CD just suddenly appeared out of nowhere! That cheered me right up! Must go listen :D Catch y'all later!


Chapter 5 – PERVERTED ALIEN!

"I don't know what to say, Rose. Tell me what to say!"

The Doctor didn't speak. It'd only make Jackie madder than she already was. Instead he bowed his head even further than he thought possible, trying to avoid the cold, hard stare of Jackie Tyler as she paced up and down the living room floor with hands on hips. She sighed loudly.

"Okay, let's start from the beginnin'. How long 'as this been goin' on?"

"Well…" Rose and the Doctor both began at the same time. They then both stopped, and fell silent.

"Well?" Jackie demanded. "Have you 'ad sex?"

"No!" they both almost yelled at the same time.

"We haven't done anythin' else!" Rose insisted, accidentally dropping her put on 'Doctor' accent. "Really mum, we…" she paused, backtracking what she'd just said, "I mean, Jackie…"

Jackie suddenly stopped pacing, and smiled.

"I knew it!" she suddenly said, pointing at the Doctor in Rose's body. "You're the Doctor…" She pointed at Rose in the Doctor's body. "And you're Rose!"

The Doctor burst into tears again at the mere mention of the bodyswap. In an instant Jackie was at his side, holding him close.

"I j-just c-can't…" he stuttered through the tears, weeping into Jackie. "Pl-Please help us J-Jackie…"

"Of course I will sweetheart," Jackie assured him, rubbing her back. "Tell me what you need."

Rose spoke, "it's called a Hashmou. The Doctor thought it would cure me but it went wrong and we switched bodies. It's somewhere in the house, we just don't know where."

"What's it look like?"

"Alien. Black and sticky and squelchy and really eww."

Jackie laughed slightly at Rose speaking with the Doctor's voice. It really did make him seem gay. Though, she supposed, the man himself was crying in her arms right now.

"God you two are bloody useless!" Jackie said with a sigh, pulling away from the Doctor who grabbed a cushion and began to hug that instead. "Let's get lookin'!"


When the Doctor woke up, he dared not to found out whether it had worked or not. They had found the Hashmou blindly scrabbling around a cupboard in the kitchen, had used it, and now he could only hope it had worked.

Jackie's face appeared in his vision, frowning a little. He blinked.

"Are you the Doctor, or Rose?" she asked. He paused for a moment before answering.

"The Doctor," he said, almost terrified of what was going to happen next. Jackie's face suddenly broadened into a smile, and the Doctor beamed also as he jumped up, hugging himself tightly and kissing his arms. "I'm me!" he said with glee, jumping around. Rose soon joined him, arms thrown around him in a huge hug as they celebrated.

Then something hit the Doctor, hard around the head. He turned in time to see Jackie Tyler standing behind him, a rolled up Radiotimes in her right hand. She whacked him again, and again, and again, oblivious to his cries of pain.

"Stupid alien!!"

Whack!

"Ow!"

"STUPID, STUPID ALIEN!"

Whack!!

"OW!"

"Abusin' my daughter!" she screamed.

Whack!

"Ow!"

"You only did it so you could molest 'er, DIDN'T YOU?!"

WHACK!

"OW!"

"You're one perverted alien!"

Whack!

"Ow!"

"Mum!" Rose yelled, jumping forward and holding her mum's arms to prevent her from hitting him anymore. "It wasn't his fault! He was trying to cure me!"

"LIKELY STORY!"

Whack!

"Ow!"

Rose suddenly stopped trying to protect the Doctor, eyes wide as she realised something was missing…

"Where's the Hashmou?!"

"You only want sex don't you Doctor?!"

WHACK!

"OW!"

"Mum…"

"And since my Rose won't give it to you, you had to go and find a stupid alien gadget so you could be inside her somehow!"

WHACK!!

"OW!!"

"Mum!"

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOIN'!!"

WHACK!!

"OW!!"

"LOOK OUT!" Rose screamed suddenly, and Jackie stopped dead in her abuse of the Doctor, who was wincing and holding his head. They saw it far too late.

The Hashmou jumped onto both their foreheads, pulsating and oozing slime. The Doctor was desperately trying to get it off his head, Rose helping him, but to no avail.

"No…" he croaked, silently passing out onto the floor. When he woke up, he'd be Jackie Tyler…

The End