"Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of convincingly- you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to." (Twilight, page 463).
A humor oneshot about exactly what Alice did to so convincingly "fabricate evidence".
All for the Cause
"You're going to jump through a window?" Edward's tone was scathing, but also held the faintest traces of incredulity and amusement.
I shook my head, busily moving around the room, packing all our belongings, leaving no trace of our presence behind. I was a master at that. "No Edward. I'm going to fall through a window." I sighed dramatically. "Fabricating evidence. It's a full time job. And I'm even sacrificing my own safety to do it."
Edward snorted, rolling his eyes as he lounged in the tacky green-printed chair in the corner of the hotel room. "That's utterly pathetic, Alice. May I ask why you can't simply throw something through the window to break it?" He arched a copper eyebrow questioningly.
I nimbly made my way around the room, stopping briefly to check under the beds. "Because it won't have the same authenticity if I just throw something out the window. Bella was supposed to fall out of it. The window needs to shatter in the right way." I shook a stray wisp of my black hair off my forehead, briefly glancing back at my brother.
Edward hadn't moved a millimeter, his pale hands still laying on the armrests, leaning backwards with an expression of disbelief. "Don't you think you're taking this just a bit far, Alice?" He rolled his eyes, still not shifting his tense position. "What is the hotel going to do? Sue us for pretending someone fell out a window?"
I paused thoughtfully, my forehead crinkling up slightly. I couldn't resist aggravating him at times. "Could they actually do that? Sue us, I mean?" I pitched my voice to a ditzy falsetto, pretending to be worried.
"Alice, you're ridiculous. At least get this over with." He paused, shooting me a dark look. "If you still insist on throwing yourself down a few flights of stairs and out a window."
I sniffed eloquently, heading towards the door. "I do. And you need to lighten up a bit, Edward. Bella's going to be fine. Sitting by her bed when the doctors say she'll be out for another half a day isn't going to do you or her any good." I cut to the real reason he was so aggravated. "Besides, I'm only contributing to the effort. You're lucky you have a sister who's willing to sacrifice herself for the sake of a good cover story."
I turned around, diverting my attention to the synthetic wooden door, pulling on the handle. Though my back was turned, I could practically see Edward rolling his eyes as he rose gracefully from the chair. "Yes Alice. You are by far the most noble and self-sacrificing person I have ever had the pleasure to meet." His tone was heavily sarcastic. Two could play that game.
I turned, glancing behind me, fluttering my eyelashes as if flattered. "Why thank you Edward. I'm so glad you finally see the light."
"Hallelujah," He muttered, following me out the door.
We quickly but silently walked down the hallway, our footsteps muffled by the garish green carpet. I finally emerged onto the stairwell, critically observing the details. I wanted to make this good. After all, what's the fun of being an immortal, indestructible being if you don't get to have fun once in a while?
Edward leaned against the wall, carefully following my movements with an amused but exasperated expression. "This is necessary, Edward." I reminded him primly, lightly skipping down the stairs to inspect the window at the bottom.
"Oh, this is very necessary Alice. Throwing yourself out a window. You get extra points for this one." His voice echoed faintly down the stairwell. "What does Carlisle think of this, by the way?"
I froze, my hands still resting on the frame of the window. "Carlisle will understand," I answered evasively, a smile tugging at the edge of my lips. This was one of those things that Carlisle wouldn't approve of at first, but would eventually find amusing.
I turned around, glaring darkly at Edward in response to his disbelieving snort. "It's all for the cause." I snapped, returning my attention to the window.
"I'm sure it is, Alice." His voice sounded falsely sincere. He paused, letting the statement hang in the air for a moment. "Of course, everything is always for the cause, isn't it?"
I didn't turn around, not trying to mask my smile. "It's important to be a Good Samaritan, Edward."
He snorted again, not bothering to shift from his position. I glanced out the window, frowning at the landscape below. "Hey Edward, you don't think we could move that garbage can, do you? It's ruining the scene."
"Feel free to move the garbage can, Alice. After all, it's anything for the cause."
I turned around, beaming at him. "I'm so glad you finally understand!"
I was back in the blink of an eye, having relocated the trash a few feet to the left. I looked at the stairwell and the window, considering. "I think I can do it now. A trajectory object should fall in such a way that could simulate Bella's injuries." I announced, making my way back up the stairs.
Edward shifted restlessly, staring broodingly into space. "She'll be fine, Edward." I paused, switching my voice to an ominously quavering tone. "I have foreseen it."
Edward shifted his weight away from the wall, his tone still biting. "You see a lot, Alice."
I smiled knowingly, adopting a spooking expression. "You know what else, Edward?"
He stared at me for a moment, not making the effort to rise to the bait. I continued undeterred. "I see dead people."
He shook his head, irritated. "Are you going to do this, or quote lines all evening?"
I sniffed, placing a hand dramatically over my chest. "I'm only doing this for your benefit, Edward. You need to have a bit of fun. It's another cause. Remember what I said. It's all-"
"For the cause," He finished, now fully glaring at me. "Since when was I a cause?"
I shrugged, turning around. "You need a cause, Edward. Actually, I think you need someone to host an entire bake sale for you."
"A bake sale?" His tone was scathing. "Are you going to commit your wonderful deed of self sacrifice, or are you going to really make me into a cause? I might need one by the time you're through."
"On second thought, you don't just need a bake sale," I muttered, knowing he would hear. "You need an entire institution."
"I though we were going to get this over with?"
"Edward, Edward. Patience is a virtue," I recited primly.
"So is competence."
I paused, moving my gaze to the ceiling and blinking rapidly as if holding back tears. My voice was sorrowful with the hint of barely controlled hysteria I've so often heard on humans. "That hurt Edward. That hurt a lot."
"You know, Alice" Edward's voice came a few feet from my left, bleakly amused, "Your… charade—would be a lot more impressive if I couldn't hear everything you're thinking in your head at the moment."
"It's rude to eavesdrop," I replied easily, gauging the distance between myself and the window with expert care that hardly required thought.
"All things considering Alice, I would certainly call myself a special case. I find it highly unlikely they wrote rules covering telepathy."
"Follow the spirit of the law, not the letter," I answered glibly, a hint of decorum entering my tone. I slid a glance at my older brother, pausing as I met his tired eyes. He cared more about Bella than most of the rest of the family realized. But that was alright, because they would recognize the truth soon enough.
"Thank you, Alice," The scathing tone of his voice didn't enter his aged eyes.
I laid a small hand on Edward's crossed forearms craning my neck to look into his face. "How many times do I have to tell you she'll be alright before you believe me?"
"Haven't you foreseen that yet, Alice?" His eyes flashed slightly, recalling my previous prophecies in which Bella was either dead, or Changed. His tone was quiet, gentle, holding a hint of genuine anger.
I closed my eyes, sincerely somber. "Edward, don't blame me for what I see. The future is constantly changing, but I can't control that. There are some things no one can control."
I heard the slightest sigh, barely audible even to my own sensitive ears. Eyes snapping open, I regarded Edward's haggard appearance. Running a pale hand distractedly through his copper hair, he shook his head minutely, sighing. "I'm sorry Alice," he apologized formally, a habit he had never broken out of. "My behavior towards you has been inexcusable."
A slight smile flickered across my face. "Of course you're forgiven, Edward. My talent does have some benefits, you know," I continued, brushing my fingers lightly over my temples. "I get to see you apologize to me twice."
Edward rolled his eyes, draping a long arm companionably over my thin shoulder's formality vanished. "And goodness knows, that makes everything worth it."
"I didn't say it was worth it, Edward," I replied lightly, dancing out of his grasp back towards the stairwell. "But there are always compensations." I smiled wickedly.
"Will you get on with this? I—"
"—Want to get back to Bella." I finished easily for him, not turning. "She'll wake up in eight hours and twenty-seven minutes. Give or take a few seconds."
"Now," I began, throwing my arms out theatrically. "I will commence my daredevil stunt…" Frowning, I cast a pensive glance at the tacky green wallpaper and chipped floorboards. It was completely ruining my performance.
Edward smiled mockingly, sweeping off an imaginary top hat and bowing gracefully at the waist. "You're going to stink, you know. Landing practically in a garbage dumpster."
"Shhh," I hissed, tilting my head consideringly. "No, it will definitely work," I muttered, more for my own benefit than my mordant brother's. Craning my neck, I turned towards him. "Remember what you have to do once I "land" right?"
"Alice, funnily enough, I have longer than ten minute memory."
"Who would have guessed?" I cleared my throat to drown out Edward's acidic rebuttal.
A shimmering of foresight came to me, the strong sense of premonition. I smiled widely, receiving one of the components of Bella and Edward's conversation once she woke. Hurriedly blocking my thoughts by intensely scrutinizing the hideous emerald wallpaper pattern, I straightened my face. "Don't cheat, Edward. It's not nice. You're supposed to be a gentleman."
"Times have changed," He replied, extreme concentration apparent in his voice. "When in Rome…"
"Jump out a window." I grinned widely, truly savoring the moment. With a silent cry, I launched myself down the stairwell, tumbling gracefully. Thumps and bangs echoed through the bare hallways, and the walls were a jumbled wash of green and cream around me. Expertly tucking in my elbows, I plummeted towards the window, yard from me.
The glass shattered at my impact like spun sugar, crashing in a cascade of wind-chimes. I was wildly airborne for a few seconds, unseasonably warm air whipping around my cheeks. The ground loomed before me, the dumpster in view. Even from my leap, I had enough time to wrinkle my nose in distaste at the smell.
I landed directly in the rotting trash, cardboard boxes and decomposing remains of banana peals and other unmentionables giving way beneath my weight. Raising a hand, I grumbled in disgust. Tofu.
Edward was in front of me in a flash, dark eyes gleaming wickedly. "Have a good fall?"
I wrinkled my nose, gingerly brushing a tissue off of my shoulder. "I've had better." Wriggling, I removed myself from the waste, lightly hopping from the dumpster. "Tofu," I complained, knowing I was bating him. "Who throws away tofu?"
"People who don't have a death wish, I should think."
"They didn't have to throw it in this dumpster." Tentatively I sniffed myself, instantly grimacing.
"Not to say I didn't warn you," Edward hinted darkly. But he didn't fool me; a ghost of a smile graced his lips that had been pressed into a tight, thin line for days. "They do say beauty is pain, so…"
"Realistic is… smelly?" I jibed, envisioning a long, very hot shower.
"I was thinking of revolting, personally," Edward answered, his voice calmly mild. Annoying prick.
Shaking my head, I turned my mind back to the shower. I wonder if they have any good stores nearby… There's no way I'm using hotel soap if I can avoid it. Glancing sideways, I caught Edward rolling is eyes dramatically. Listening in, as usual.
Smiling wickedly, I plunged back into my fantasy. Maybe Jasper would like to join me…
I allowed myself a small smirk of satisfaction when Edward choked in unpleasant surprise.
"Is something wrong, Edward? I'm the one who just fell a few stories, but it's you who's choking like a cat being strangled. Not that ever strangled a cat, of course." I asked slyly, still smug about my methods of banishing my telepathic brother from my mind.
"To tame for you, is it Alice?" Edward asked acerbically, still wincing slightly.
Smiling angelically, I paused at the doorway of a rental silver car, waiting for Edward to open the door. "Domestic animals have never held much charm for me. They're no fun."
"It depends on what you consider 'fun'."
I snorted in the most un-ladylike fashion as Edward smoothly opened the door, gracefully folding myself into the passenger seat. "Don't give me that lofty tone. I'm not the one who fancies mountain lions." Smiling with wicked mirth, I continued, "speaking of which, I'm surprised who you chose for your previously pitiful love-life. Based on your past with overgrown felines, I'd think you'd find someone a bit more--"
"Don't," Edward interrupted sharply, "even attempt to finish that sentence." He didn't bother to keep his eyes on the road, swerving expertly in and out of traffic. "Stop being vulgar, Alice. It doesn't become you. And you're not saying that because you don't like Bella, because that's a lie."
I grinned reluctantly. I really did like Bella. "It's all for the cause," I repeated.
"Not for the cause of my mental health, certainly."
"Someone's got to keep you from being a grouch when Bella's in la-la-land."
Edward raised his copper eyebrows in surprise. I could see the sarcastic comment coming from his lips without being a clairvoyant. "La-la-land? Have you been watching that ridiculous purple dinosaur again?"
"I think you are referring to Barney," I replied glibly. "Even purple dinosaurs have a right to have a name, Edward," I continued at his exasperated sigh. "And, I figured you'd prefer the terminology of a five year old versus me just saying Bella's so drugged up she wouldn't pass a urine test."
"Can we move on to another topic?" Edward snapped testily.
A silence fell between us for a few moments, irate on my brother's side and silently smug on my own. Tapping my neatly trimmed fingernails on the side of the door, I watched the Phoenix scenery flash by. The sky was dusky, twilight just falling. It had always been a symbolic part of the day for Edward. Chewing my lower lip, I strived for a topic to avert my brooding brother's attention.
"So," I asked lightly, "what's in tofu anyways?"
I wrote this story a while ago, and for some reason completely forgot about it. For those of you who are reading some of my other stories, I will update them soon. I've gone through a rough patch in my life recently, but I'm pretty sure everything's been cleared up.
Happy New Years!