Title: Helplessly hopeless - Hopelessly helpless
aka
Stranger kept promise

Author: Strange Music
Fandom: Roswell
Pairing: none..omg!!
Rating: PG..I never write G....at least I never say that I write G even if I
would. ;)
Summary: After this years Christmas things would never be the same for
her. But still things kept happening. And who was that strange boy that
kept showing up at her house. And in what connection was he to her dead
husband.
Email: Strange_music@hotmail.com
Series/Sequel: That depends on Season 3. Right now. Rather no....only
maybe a few more lines to this story if inspiration hits.
Web Page: Someday it will be at homestead.....
Disclaimer: Do not own any of the aliens or the people that help them (or
don't help them) they all belong to Mr. Katim

Warnings: What shall I say....if muse tells me a story she really tells.
Even knowing what else I still had to write she didn't give up till I stared
to write this one.

It is strange one. Even for me.

Writers Note: In Order for this to make sense you better seen the Episode
"A Roswell Christmas Carol" Spoiler for the last few episode of the Season 2.

Seen by the ABC but not by the GRAM (Winword is defect at the moment)

Thanks to Terra for the idea for the title!! ^_^



Helplessly hopeless - Hopelessly helpless
By Strange Music



He arrived yesterday morning. With a smile and a Christmas present.

My confused gazes he ignored.

Just handed the presents to the children and with a slight grin said
goodbye.

His eyes were so sad but they had glowed when the kids had smiled at
him.

They have not yet realized what really happened. They only asked why
Daddy was not here with us. They miss him.

But in a way as much as it breaks my heart I know that they will not hurt
as much, as they would have if they would been older.

Me...I guess I have to be strong for them and live on.

He had laughed at my surprised face at getting a present as well.

And when I opened it, it took all my strength not to let it fall.

A perfume. Just the one that I used.

Just like the one that Jerry had always gotten me for Christmas. I was so
surprised that it took me a time to form the words that ran through my
mind into a question.

Again, he just smiled and told me to enjoy it.

Then he gave me a paper and told me that if I needed help I would be
able to reach him at this number.

I asked him why.

But he shrugged and said goodbye without another word.

I didn't really plan on calling him. I had to make this on my own.

Still it was then that I realized that he hadn't even told me his name.

*~*~*~*

The next few days went by in the daze that I have gotten used to. Taking
care of the children. Taking care of the funeral. Choosing the grave, the
songs, the casket. Who ever said that death was the only thing you got for
free has never dealt with this before.

When I look at the numbers on my account I know that there will be a lot
a saving in the next time. Only essential. My mother said she would take
care of the kids. And I would look for a job.

Right now I was happy that we hadn't been too blue-eyed. And actually
had put some saving aside 'in case'.

Seemed not so long ago that 'in case' was just a funny comment that we
didn't really take serious.

But now.

Now it was reality.

*~*~*~*

I found out his name today.

Not that he wanted me to. I guess he would have been happier without.

But there isn't much that he can hide when he wears it in big letters on his
shirt.

Funny he didn't look like one of those fanatic that normally work at the
UFO-Center.

In the end we didn't talk much.

I just left my job-appliance for the post as a bookkeeper and left again.

*~*~*~*

Didn't get the job.

But one in the local paper. Nothing fancy. Just a job in the calling center.

But it pays the money it takes your choices.

And I have had worse jobs in my youth.

*~*~*~*

Today was the funeral. He was there again.

And I slowly started to wonder what it is that connects him with my
husband. I never saw him around while Jerry was still alive. And Jerry
never mention him to me. So why was he around now?

Why did it feel so strange.

I thought about it some more. But when the ceremony began he slipped
my mind.

And when it was over and I turned around he was gone again.

*~*~*~*

Ran over him in the supermarket today.

There was an older couple with him.

He stared slightly panicked when I looked over to him. If the ground
could have opened under him I guess he would have been grateful. I left
it that way. Didn't go to greet him.

But it just made me think more of what he was hiding...and why?

*~*~*~*

Time passed by and this went close to what assembled to be normal for
me these days.

It wasn't the old normal.

But it was the best that we could come up with at the moment.

Just then again something strange happened.

It was Lilith birthday today and when I opened the door there was a
present lying there.

I knew who had brought it. But I still didn't know why. And how he
knew that it was her birthday today.

Whenever we met he had this look of guilt.

Actually I am slowly starting to get scared to find out more about it.

*~*~*~*

Dreamed about him this night.

That he was the one that killed Jerry

They never found the driver so it might have been possible. And it would
have been a reason for his behavior. God I hope that I was wrong about
this.

*~*~*~*

It took me three days till I took the courage to ask him.

I didn't use the number he gave me.

After all I knew where to find him.

*~*~*~*

When I came in he was talking with a young girl. No one I knew, but
very apparently she knew him. Because it only took a few moments of
quiet conversation. The she kissed him on the head and left. As I walked
closer he looked like he was steeling himself for whatever it was that
brought me here. But then his face slowly turned into a kind of forced
smile.

"Max..."

I felt like I was breaking some kind of unspoken agreement by using his
name. Only that this was too serious.

"Thanks for the present."

He just shrugged.

"She really liked it a lot. I mean she adores wolfs"

I paused

"But I guess you know that."

"The man at the shop told me that a lot of kids in her age adore them.
So...."

I got a few steps closer. "You didn't have to."

"I just wanted to be a kind neighbor."

Sure, a kind neighbor that lived 3 streets down the road. And apparently
was also a very bad liar. He should be wearing dark glasses when ever
planning on lying seriously. His eyes give him away.

"No you *didn't* have to. Or did you?"

I don't know the last time I had ever seen anybody so scared. As if his
one and only though was to disappear right now if he could.

So it had been him. I didn't feel as happy as I should about finding out
the truth as I should. Not the kind of satisfaction that I had thought that I
would feel when I looked into the eyes of my husbands killer. He was so
different from what I imagined. Almost still a kid. In a way I had even
liked him.

"Why? Why did it happen"

I was prepared to be told anything. Form being drunk, tired to making out
with the girlfriend. I could see it in his eyes. How he was looking for the
right words to say.

"Why did you just drive away?"

For a moment it all stopped. And then he did the last thing I expected.

He laughed.

A short humorless almost painful laughter.

"I didn't drive the car...."

There was an unspoken *but* at the end of the line. I could only assumed
what he had done that made him feel so guilty about Jerry's death.
Maybe he had been there but like many others had only stood and stared.

"There wasn't anything that you could have done. The doctor said that he
died the moment his... his head......" I still couldn't say it "It was quick
and painless" He had told me because I think he though that it made me
feel better. Truth is that it didn't. But then again there isn't anything that
would make me feel better about this accident

He just laughed again. The same laughter. And for a moment he looked
like he would object. But then he just nodded but he didn't look
convinced.

Suddenly he raised his head and looked over my shoulder. When I turned
around to follow his gaze I saw a young man with wild hair standing
there. Glaring at me and Max with equal share.

"Maxwell. Isabel told me that I would find you here."

He looked at me with this piercing glare "And that you had company."

It definitely wasn't a customer, so despite the 'If looks could kill'
exchange between them he had to be a friend. Max just excused himself
and went with him into a quiet corner.

A heated discussion started and ended with a shouted "Michael" from
Max's side. The two of them just glared at each other again. The
*Michael* huffed and left.

I locked at the clock. My break was almost up. I had to go back to work.
I smiled as I lay a hand on his shoulder.

Telling him that we were okay.

He smiled, but I saw that he didn't believe me.

*~*~*~*

Days passed by and I finally got my first paycheck. The one that would
finally take that dreaded minus away from my account.

When I later looked at the printed sheet I did expect a bit over zero. Yet
what I didn't expect was the sum of my paycheck plus a healthy sum
more. I had been so sure.....

And then I saw the strange account where last month and only a week a
large sum had been moved to my account. There was no name and the
accountant wouldn't tell me by the number because of bank secrecy.

But I had a pretty good guess who it might have been.

I didn't have any time today. Julian had been a bit grumble today, so I
tried to be home soon.

And I had to work later tomorrow.

But I definitely would have a talk soon with *Mr. Evans.*

*~*~*~*

I had a strange dream following that that day. It was the accident again.
Like I have seen it so many time in my head. Even when I hadn't been
there it was the courtesy of hearing the story one time too many. People
told me pretty clearly of what happen.

I had always felt so helpless as I had to watch the accident without being
able to do a thing.. All I could do was star at the events taking place.

I wanted to run, shout....do anything. But all I could was stand in
something that felt like a glasscage.

That didn't let me out.

I felt tears running down my face as I watched it happen again and again.

And then I saw something moving just at the corner of my eye.

And when I shifted my head slightly aside I saw him there.

Max

Like he must have stood and watched the accident the time it happened.

The strange thing was that he was crying silent tears. So quiet. As if he
didn't want to be seen or heard.

Then when I turned around completely he was gone.

*~*~*~*

It took me a few days till I actually got to talk with him. First the fridge
had a problem and then my Julian got the flue.

The dreams stayed the way they were. Starting out as almost painful only
to turn into the soft dreams that let me relax. And in many of them there
was Jerry. Talking with me as if he never died. But it was also strange
how many time Max appeared in those dreams. And even stranger that he
never smiled. Every time I saw him he was just standing in a corner as if
he was doing his best to blend in with the wall. Why would I dream of
him at all if my subconsciousness were so strange about him?

Anyway it was 4 days later that I actually got around the UFO Center to
talk with him about the money.

I know that he meant well.

But we had to be able to stand on our own feet. I couldn't let myself rely
on the help of stranger to get my life done.

Especially one that was still a kid.

I had prepared myself for all the arguments that he would tell me.

Had them all lain out.

The only thing that I didn't prepare myself was he.

He looked like hell. And even that description might have been to
friendly.

There were dark shadows under his eyes. But what was worse was the
emptiness that they held. As if he was working on a spare treat only. I
was sure that something bad had happened. Something terrible.

"What happened?"

A small smile.

"Nothing don't worry. Just a little to much work. Too much party."

But he didn't sound like someone who went partying. He sounded like
someone who was not only bone but also soultired.

"Maybe should take some days off."

He smiled at my worries but only shook his head. "I can't." As if it
explained everything.

As I walked closed I could see that his eyes were dropping. And I
realized that I didn't even know how old he was. It didn't matter because
right now he looked just young. Too young too look so old.

I laid my hand on his shoulder and drew little circles. Like I did for my
kids when they couldn't sleep.

Only seconds later I could hear his breath deepen.

I stayed with him the whole break. Only waking him up shortly before I
left. I knew that the time he took to wake up completely would be enough
to get out.

I would not be there when he found my letter with the check. Paying him
back everything that he had paid me. I knew he meant well. But it just
wasn't.

*~*~*~*

Even after all those dreams in the last time.

Still the latest was the one that puzzled me most.

Out of the wink of my eyes I could see Max and Jerry. They hadn't
realized tat I seen them. They were arguing with each other. Now I know
that they certainly is some psychological meaning to this. Yet for the life
of me I wouldn't be able to name it. Anyway even when I didn't hear their
words I saw that Max was pointing at me and Jerry was shacking his
head vehemently. I don't know which of them won.

But in the end Jerry came over to me and smiled. We talked again like
we did in quit a few dreams before that.

In a way those dreams are my own way of saying goodbye to him. We
talk and I tell him all the things that happen in my life. And he smiled
and listened.

Sometimes waking up out of those dreams is worse than any nightmare.
Because for a few seconds I truly believe that he is still around. But also
often I am just happy to have seen him.

Anyway, this time our talk was different. As he looked at me with sad
eyes and told me that he might not be able to come around as much as he
wanted to.

"Max?"

He looked so surprised that I laughed out loud. Actually I had just been
guessing because of their argument. But seemed like I had been more
right than I thought. For a moment it looked like he would have told me
something. But then the dream ended and I woke up.

*~*~*~*

But that was not the extend of this day.

When I went over to the Center to talk with him about the money all that
I heard from his boss was that he wasn't at work today.

Called in sick.

I knew there wasn't nothing that I could do. So I just thanked him and
went back to work. Only later on my way back home I stopped by his
house.

I was just about to knock when they door was opened by the blond girl
that I had seen with Max at the UFO Center. She closed the door behind
her and walked with me back to my car.

Only then she started to smile and nodded as in greeting. "You come to
see how Max is. Aren't you?"

"He didn't look to well yesterday and then calling in sick all the sudden. I
just wanted to ask."

She smiled "He will be." Sounding so certain. As if she was sure.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"My brother told me about you and the kids. He really only wants to help
you."

"And don't think that I don't appreciate the though and the gifts. But it
wasn't his fault. I don't think why he should pay for something another
did."

She looked down. As if she knew something more than I did. Which
wasn't that much of a surprise since she was his sister.

"I will tell him you stepped bye"

"Thanks"

And with that she was gone back into the house.

*~*~*~*

Again it seemed as if my dreams only purpose was to get stranger with
each day.

This time it was only Max again Jerry nowhere to be seen. The dream
itself had started out with pleasant memories. One of Lillith birthdays.
The ones where Jerry and me made the cake together. It looked terrible
but we had so much fun.

Or the camping-trip.

I was so caught up in the memories that it took me some time till I saw
him standing there. he hadn't seen me looking at him. Only looked at the
scene in front of us. But this time I decided to go closer. If I ever wanted
to find out why I kept dreaming about him I had to confront him.

I had only planned on asking him a single question. But it all stopped
when he looked at me.

There was this look in his eyes. That was so real. such true pain that he
didn't look like a dreamimage at all.

"Max? Is it you?"

His eyes widened in shock and all of the sudden he was gone.

As if he hadn't been a dreamimage after all.

But that was too strange.

Was it ?

*~*~*~*

You know those kind of thoughts that you just won't get out of your
head.

For me it was this dream.

Ever since that dream, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't push it out of
my mind. But I didn't see him again for a few days. Not by day and
neither in my dreams.

Only once I saw him but there was a flash at his side. A woman whose
only back I saw and then he was gone again. I didn't see it her clearly but
I think it was his sister.

And then nothing

It was definitely time for another visit.

*~*~*~*

I was lucky that he was at work again. Althou he didn't look like he
should. he looked like he still should be in bed.

He was so tired that his head leaned on his hand as he used his whole
concentration to make the effort to stay awaken and aware. Apparently
failing badly in both cases. As if he spent the nights with something other
than sleeping.

It was insane

It was crazy

It was the only explanation that made sense.

"Hi Max."

He blinked a few times at me before he recognized me. Then a big yawn
split his face.

"Sorry"

"Maybe you should rather sleep than make late night meetings."

"Just a few parties to many in the last few days. "

"I wasn't talking about the parties."

You had to hand it to him. With a stroke he looked a lot more awaken.

"I told you Max that I could take care of my family"

He didn't answer. Only his mouth shut and opened a few times. And I
knew that as strange as it had sounded I had been right.

"I can't say that I understand what or how you are doing it. I didn't
believe anything like telepathy existed till little ago. But now I know that
apparently it does. And I know that you have to stop. This is hurting you.
And I can't let that happen"

He looked down, but knew that he couldn't object.

I opened my arms and hugged him.

Somehow I knew that both of us were only starting our way to recovery

*~*~*~*

For the next month we ran into each other occasionally.

Meeting him on the street, in the supermarket. He still sent the kids little
presents. When I saw how happy it made him I didn't object.

He never gave it to them personally, never talked to them. Yet I could see
his eyes light up when I told him how much they loved them.

I am missing the dreams and Jerry but I am not willing to pay the price
that comes with them. And in a way I did feel like Jerry was still around.
And as Max didn't laugh when I told him that it had to be true.

After all, as a psychic he should know these things.

*~*~*~*

I was surprised to see him there.

But as I looked at the fresh grave that he stood in front of I knew the
reason. As he saw me coming closer he offered me a tiny smile. I just
hugged him.

Reading the gravestone 'Alexander C. Whitman June 21 1984 - April 29
2001'

"A friend?"

He nodded

"He had a car-accident."

I took his head an let him rest on my shoulder as we both stared at the
grave. I didn't know how much time had passed when he finally raised it
again. He just looked at me with gratitude and said a whispered thanks.

I smiled. "Anytime"

As he walked away I called after him. "You know that you can call me
anytime when you need someone to talk"

He nodded again grateful and offered an even sincere smile. I looked
after him in the distance.

I knew that he wouldn't call.

*~*~*~*

The day he finally took me up upon my offer he didn't call. Just one day
I came home to find him playing with the kids. My mother had left him
inside. I tried to appear not too surprised. I just went into the kitchen to
make myself a cup of tea. And when I came back into the living-room I
sat down on the couch. Just waiting till he would want to talk with me.

*~*~*~*

Later he brought them to bed with me. And when we went down into the
living room I put a warm cup of cacao into his hand and put on the TV. I
was sure that he came here to talk but apparently he wasn't ready for it
yet. From own experience I knew that the words you are searching for
not always come quit as easily.

It was during a Mr. Clean commercial that he finally cracked.

Still clutching the cup in his hands he didn't look at me as he spoke.

"I have a son. He was born today."

There was no emotion in his voice. He sounded like he was in a kind of
shock and I realized that this moment might be the first time that he
spoke out this words aloud.

He repeated it. This time his voice cracked a little.

I took the remote control and turned the TV off.

"How long have you know?"

"A month."

There were a lot of question running through my mind. Why he was here
and not with his child and the mother. Why he hadn't told me earlier. But
I just sat and waited till he continued.

"The mother left with him two weeks ago. I only know that he would be
born today." He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath "I don't even
know if he is alright. If the birth went okay. For all I know he might have
died at birth...Or." he shuddered so I knew that whatever or was it was
terrible.

Again like at the cemetery I took him closer to lean on my shoulder.

"Do you know where she is? Can you contact her"

I had thought those two to be pretty normal question but apparently he
didn't. He laughed without humor as he just shock his head. "I can't
contact her. The only thing that I can hope is that she will contact me.
But the chances are pretty slim to nonexistence."

Apparently they hadn't parted in very good ways.

I didn't say anything. Just let him speak.

And he did.

"It seems that no matter what I make I am doing it wrong. I am supposed
to make the right decision. Ones that are true. Yet all I do is mess up the
lives of the people around me. Hurt them."

"You are not perfect. No one is. No matter how old you are. You are
bound to make mistakes."

He just huffed as if he didn't believe a word I said. But was to polite to
tell me.

I choose to let him think that way. When I was his age I thought the
same.

He told me a bit about his son. Apparently he had seen a sonogram only
shortly. I told him about Julian. His birth his first years. He listened
intently. Just as I got closer and closer to nowadays his attention must
have shifted. Because when I reached Julian's second birthday all I heard
from his side was a soft snore.

It was good that tomorrow was Sunday.

I detangled myself and as I put a blanket over his shoulder I had the
strange feeling that this must be what it felt to become a grandmother.

I had to call his sister to tell her that everything was okay. And maybe
tomorrow take him and the kids into the zoo.

Slowly I looked back at his sleeping form.

I really hope that he finds his son.

*~*~*~*

For some time he spent a lot of time with the kids. But then school
started again and he was absent more and more.

But never gone completely.

When he was really stressed he would call and apologize to them and me.

One time when he couldn't make the time I caught him in my dream how
he looked if really everything was alright.

I told him that it was and setting up my best "I am your mother"-
expression told him that he better get to his own bed ASAP. After all he
had school tomorrow.

He laughed and was gone.

Strange how these meeting no longer held anything weird for me.

*~*~*~*

That's why I was worried when he completely disappeared for one
month.

Just a quick message in my dream that I needn't worry that he was okay.
And then he was gone.

At the UFO center he had asked for holiday. And his phone was turned
off.

Even at school they could only tell me that he wasn't here.

I was really worried about him.

Especially when I found out that he wasn't the only one that had
disappeared.

'Max Evans...you told me that you were okay. You better not have lied to
me.'

*~*~*~*

Then, just as I was starting to believe his reassuring words to be a lie.

He came back.

I had finished the laundry and was off cooking dinner when the doorbell
rang.

Cursing under my breath I put the pot aside and went to the door.
Spelling my wrath on who ever dared to disturb.

My breath caught as I opened the door.

Standing there was Max. Smiling as brightly as I can't ever remember
seeing him. With a pride that I had not so long ago seen in someone
else's eyes.

He turned the bundles he cradled in his arms.

I already know who I would see there.

Still it took my breath at the sweet baby-boy that looked at me sleepy.

"David Alexander meet your Aunt Lindsey."

And when he looked up again to smile at me I knew one thing.

I wasn't old enough to be an aunt.

And that things from now on would be better.

The END

Okay...like I said...strangely written but I hope you still enjoyed it.

I know that so far Max has never dreamwalked. But they are both able
to talk with ghosts. And they are brother and sister. Also there had never
been a case for Max where he actually needed it.

And they are supposed to have the same abillities each.

So he can do it....he is just not as trained about it as Isabel is.

Chalk it to creative fantasy and it is not that strange after all.