The characters in the following story are not mine. The following story is completely and unapologetically AU, sometimes for no good reason at all. I also refuse to butcher Japanese. All that can be translated will be. Only suffixes and essential cultural details will remain. That having been said, enjoy, review, laugh, whatever.
The Losers, Unabridged and Uncensored,
A Memoir by Three Orphans
Foreword by Hinata
We never expected the level of response we got for our book. Originally, we wrote it because we were low on money and Naruto had the bright idea of writing a book to get some quick cash. Sasuke and I were not convinced at the time, but Naruto insisted that we each had to write a chapter. It had to be, in his words, a group effort. After the first chapter Sasuke decided that he liked writing. Me, I read what they were writing and decided that at least one of us had to keep it honest.
When this book was first published two years ago, certain details were changed or omitted to protect our privacy and the secrets of Konoha. Also, the notes at the beginning of the chapters were edited out by our publisher. Occasionally we wrote the same events multiple times from different perspectives, which were cut from the published edition for the sake of clarity. At some points there were (and are) locked entries that we didn't even let each other read. The locked entries are included here. Some of them have still only been read by their author.
At this point in time, we feel that this complete edition of our story will never be publicly available. Too many people could be hurt or angered by it. The only purpose this copy serves is to remind us of our past.
This book is the only original and unedited copy of our story.
Chapter One: Team Seven
Hey. This is the first chapter of the best book in the world. Read it, buy extra copies and recommend it to your friends. It makes a great gift for every occasion. Yeah, it's that good.
Monday, June 5, Twelve years after Kyuubi
Uzumaki Naruto was late. It wasn't his fault, the rain was pouring down in sheets and he'd lost a sandal to the water rushing down the streets. It floated merrily down the road, bobbing up and down in the runoff. He gave chase and nearly caught the damn thing, but his fingers slipped on the straps when he tried to pull it up and it fell down a storm drain.
"Fuck," he whispered, glaring at the raging waterfall that had just separated his only pair of shoes. Naruto kicked up a splash of gutter water at the drain. It gurgled mockingly.
Naruto stuck his tongue out at the storm drain and stalked away, sliding every few steps in the muddy water, his remaining sandal hindering his balance more than it helped. He grumbled to himself, trudging onward toward the Academy.
A cold drizzle of water slid down his neck making him shiver. Rolling his head back to stop more rain from going down his shirt he took note of the Steam Clock, standing slightly tilted at the corner of Locke and Keynes. One of the many strange items Konoha ninja had been paid with over the years; it weighed over five tons and was always exactly one hour and forty-two minutes early. No one knew how to set it.
Thirty minus forty-two…, no, wait, add…add an hour… "Ha! It's eleven seventy-two!" He grinned up at the clock for a moment before realizing what was wrong with his previous statement. "Shit! It's twelve twelve, I'm late!"
Naruto started running, with his bare foot sandal slapping the road in spastic rhythm. He was still three blocks from the Academy and he'd needed to be there twelve minutes ago. Within two minutes he was running through the propped open academy doors, water spraying wildly from his soaked jumpsuit. His remaining sandal clattered loudly on the cheap linoleum floors. He skidded as he took the corner and ran into the class, interrupting Iruka's lecture.
The class stirred from their apathetic daze and stared at him.
Naruto slipped on the floor and fell back, sandal strap snapping. His muddy shoe tumbled through the air before landing on the middle of his chest, creating a thick mud outline of its shape on his orange jacket.
"Hn. Idiot," Sasuke murmured. The rest of the class laughed.
Naruto's eyes squinted and he growled audibly. "Stupid bastard." He snarled. Thinks he's so cool. Naruto's hands balled into fists, tightening painfully in anger.
"…" Sasuke had used up his quota of words for the day, but he used a slightly raised eyebrow to show his brooding emo-musement.
Naruto, what the hell is emo-musement supposed to be? And I don't brood.
…Sasuke raised an eyebrow to show his amusement.
Naruto's scowl twisted into a grin, inspiring fear in the hearts of many. He snagged the remaining strap of his sandal and spun it above his head once, splattering Iruka with thick globs of mud, before launching it at Sasuke's face. Sasuke disengaged one hand from his patented brooder hand seal and held it out, perfectly positioned to catch the flying sandal. His lips twitched in an expression generally know as 'smug bastard' in preparation for showing Naruto up. When the sandal hit his hand, it stopped. Unfortunately for him, the mud did not.
Thick clumps of clay-like mud left trails of light brown dirt as they dripped down Sasuke's face. He rose; face expressionless except for his strange squinty eyes, prepared to launch the sandal back at its owner—
---and sat down just as quickly.
Iruka yelled, his face flushed with anger, "It is the last day, the very last day that I will ever have to teach you. Could you even contemplate, for even a single second, behaving? No! Of course not!" He punctuated his sentences by shaking Naruto by the shoulders.
Naruto blocked out Iruka's shouting with the ease of long practice and went limp. He was secretly amused by the way his body flopped like a rag doll, his limbs swinging freely. It was sort of fun. And, for bonus points, it was making the class laugh.
"Go sit down, you little monster, and don't cause any more trouble!" Iruka finished his lecture and released Naruto abruptly, sending him sprawling across the floor. His wet feet squeaked loudly as he tried, to no avail, to keep his balance. With a wet thud Naruto fell flat on his ass.
He pouted outrageously, mugging for the class, "Awwwww, you know you'll miss me, Iruka-sensei!"
"Not on your life!" Iruka snapped back. "Now go sit down so I can finish reading the list of teams and finally pawn you off on someone else."
"Fine!" Naruto stuck his tongue out at Iruka and stomped up the stairs to the only free seat, between Aburame Shino and Hyuuga Hinata. He slumped back in the seat into a supremely cool pose that inspired awe in all who viewed it.
…is this that pose you keep doing in front of the mirror when you think no ones watching? Because that one makes you look completely retarded.
…While Sasuke sat all alone like the freaky loner boy that he was and tried to discretely wipe off his mud pie facial.
"Now, where was I?" Iruka said, turning back to his notes.
Some overly-excited keener yelled back, "Team Four!"
"Ah. Thank you, Koze," Iruka said, blinking at actually getting a response from the crowd.
"Team Four will be Nara Asuka, Taira Hojo, and Ikko Ginta." Iruka continued.
Naruto quickly stopped paying attention. He covered his fingers in mud from his jacket and used it draw on the desk in front of him. Sasuke's hair was almost done when he heard his name called out. He looked up guiltily, sliding his hand over his stickman picture of Sasuke crumpled beneath his feet and a remarkably buxom Sakura clinging to his side, adding her own kicks. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that Iruka hadn't noticed his lack of attention.
"…Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke—" Iruka said, reading off the list.
"You mean that asshole is on my team?" Naruto yelled out incredulously. "Why would you put an awesome ninja like me on a team with a loser like him?" He said, pointing dramatically at Sasuke.
Sasuke sat there like a lump and glared at the world like the evil bastard he was…
…and mentally composed bad poetry about ravished souls and the cold, cold nature of the world.
Fuck you very much.
"Naruto, it's tradition to put the highest and lowest ranking students on the same team," Naruto swelled up with pride… "You are the lowest ranked graduate and Sasuke is the highest." …and deflated like a popped balloon.
"Results must be twisted," Naruto muttered, glaring at the smeared mud picture on his desk. Now it looked like Sakura was some strange sort of snake that was choking Naruto, while Sasuke lay there, totally useless.
"No, Naruto, the results are not twisted. Now will you sit down and let me continue?" Iruka sighed over the class' laughter.
"Now, the final member of Team Seven is Hyuuga Hinata. Team Eight will be Aburame Shino, Inuzuka Kiba, and Haruno Sakura. Team Nine will be Nara Shikamaru, Yamanaka Ino, and Akimichi Chouji. That is the last of the teams, good riddance to you all." Iruka wiped the mud off his hand onto the desk. "Wait here until your jounin sensei arrives." He slid the stained sheet of paper back into his pile of notes and left the class.
Two and a half hours later, Naruto was standing by the window of the classroom, blowing on it and leaving obscene messages on the foggy glass.
Team seven's jounin sensei had neglected to show up. Every other team had had their team leader come within the first fifteen minutes, even team four, who'd had some freak in patent leather show up. A small frown graced Naruto's lips as he hoped that his team leader would be less… unusual. Not that he had a problem with patent leather—
It's shiny. If it came in orange you'd dress head to toe in neon bondage gear.
--but the studded dog collars and leashes he'd strapped on the terrified new genin had seemed a bit much.
Iruka had come in a half hour after the last team had left (team three, who went with a seven foot tall woman dressed entirely in explosive tags) and frowned for a moment before telling them to be patient. Their sensei, he explained, was probably going to be late.
Now, an hour and fifteen minutes after Iruka had left, Naruto had drawn thirty naked women on the board in a variety of poses—
For a thirteen year old boy, you show a disturbing level of knowledge of female genitalia.
What can I say? I'm precocious.
Precocious perversion shouldn't be a matter of pride for you.
…dusted a thick layer of chalk dust on the teacher's chair, had three arguments with Sasuke, glued a thumb tack to the door handle, and held a four sentence conversation with Hinata.
Naruto added the final stroke in a message involving Sasuke's address and an invitation for a good time and turned back to face the room. "When's that tardy bastard gonna get here? I'm gonna kick his ass!" He yelled.
"Ano… maybe… he's busy?" Hinata whispered, barely loud enough to be heard, before turning red and looking intently at her desk. She hadn't left it since before the teams were announced.
Naruto watched in bemusement as her hands twisted violently under her desk and she flushed bright red under his gaze. She was kinda weird, he decided, rocking back on his heels.
"Too busy for me, the future Hokage?" He proclaimed boldly. "Ha! He's just a bastard! Probably afraid to show his face to a superior ninja." He grinned, imagining a faceless jounin cowering under his foot.
"I'm impressed," a deep voice said from the doorway, startling the genin. None of them had heard him arrive. "By your stupidity."
If there's one thing I respect the bastard for, it's that phrase. Damn it was funny.
You respect the bastard?
No, I respect the sentence which the bastard happened to say. His saying it was a singular exception to my total and utter hatred of that asshole.
The man slouched into the room, hands tucked into his pockets, his thick grey hair drooping from the weight of rain water. A stray leaf was sticking out of his hair, incongruous with the oppressive aura he gave off. The air seemed to thicken as he entered the classroom, catching in Naruto's throat.
He leaned against Iruka's desk, crumpling a thick pile of essays and dripping a steady stream of water on a pile of marked exams. And then he waited.
A minute later, Naruto caved and asked, "So are you our jounin-sensei?"
The jounin raised a hand, stopping Naruto from asking the other twelve questions that he really wanted to ask. "No." His hand dropped and he continued to wait, watching the new team.
"What are you then? Some kinda freak who's stalking the academy?" Naruto stopped himself and looked at the guy. He was pretty creepy. Just standing there and staring at them… something about the situation tugged at his memory. "You aren't one of those pervs that Iruka-sensei told us about, are you?" he asked slowly, shifting a hand towards his kunai pouch.
He could hear Sasuke and Hinata shuffling restlessly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sasuke's hands drift down from in front of his face and settle behind his desk. He could feel Sasuke's glare intensify by several degrees.
The strange man seemed startled, and his hand moved from Iruka's marking to rest lightly on his kunai pouch. "I wasn't aware that they taught about that in the academy." His voice warmed a bit.
Fuck, Naruto thought, he's going to pull out a weapon. We need to distract him. "Where else would they teach us?" He tried to color his voice with curiosity, while subtly shifting into a better position to run for the door.
"Ah…" the man's only eye blinked. He seemed genuinely confused by Naruto's question. "I don't know…?" His tone made the statement more a question than an answer, sending off even more alarm bells in Naruto's head.
Shit, he must be one of the crazies, Naruto thought. Damn it, what did Iruka say to do with the crazies?
"Eh, well, enough talk. We may as well get started." The strange man stood and stretched his arms behind his head.
Naruto, understandably, panicked. He threw the two smoke bombs he had borrowed from the last academy practice and ran for the door, closely followed by Hinata and Sasuke. He heard the door slam closed behind Sasuke, a poor barrier but still better than nothing. Naruto smirked briefly when he heard the pervert grab the door.
"Why the fuck are there thumb tacks?"
On second thought, the door was a pretty good barrier.
"Come on," Naruto yelled to the other two. "Iruka-sensei always stays late in the teacher's lounge. He can take the pervert." The other two nodded in agreement and all three continued their sprint to the ultra top secret teacher's lounge, which was actually labelled as the broiler room. The broiler room was labelled as the teacher's lounge, and held a single ratty couch for authenticity. The janitor was hit by four balloons of glue, a quart of milk and locked in the broiler room for six hours before Naruto figured out where the real teacher's lounge was.
All at once, or on separate occasions?
All at once. It was after I failed the genin exam the first time.
The three genin darted down the hall to the inconspicuous corner that held the teacher's lounge and slammed open the door.
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto yelled, startling the chuunin.
"There's a pervert!" Sasuke continued, shocked out of apathy by the threat to his ass.
"He was watching us," Hinata said, her blank eyes wide and scared.
"And he's coming after us!" Naruto exclaimed. "You've got to kill him or send him back to the crazy house or something." He clutched at Iruka's arm, wrinkling the dark shirt.
"He's coming!" Hinata squeaked, her charka lines bulging around her eyes.
All three children went deathly silent, before scattering into different hiding spots around the room.
Hinata hid in a half empty kitchen cabinet, curled around a stew pot half her size, byakugan watching the pervert walk lazily down the hall.
Sasuke hid under the desk in the back of the room, ready to jump out the window behind the desk if Iruka fell to the ravaging pervert.
Naruto hid behind Iruka.
Iruka settled into a loose taijutsu stance, kunai in hand.
The door creaked open. Naruto whimpered and dove behind the couch.
"Ano… Hatake-san? Iruka sounded confused. The pervert must be using henge to pretend to be someone Iruka-sensei knew, Naruto deduced. But Iruka-sensei was smart. He'd figure it out. Naruto considered telling Iruka about the henge, but remembered that the pervert didn't know that Naruto was there.
Yes, I'm sure he forgot all about you yelling, "Let's go to the teacher's lounge."
Shut up. The story is at the time, and that's what I thought at the time.
Iruka-sensei would be safe anyway, Naruto reasoned. After all, perverts only hurt children and Iruka was an adult. He shivered, remembering 'the talk' when Iruka-sensei explained perverts and how to deal with them. Yeah, Iruka-sensei was the best choice to handle it. He shivered again.
It was the pervert. Naruto started searching for escape routes. If he went for the door, he'd have to pass by the pervert, and the pervert might touch him and cause horrible, horrible mental damage. Naruto dug his nails into the carpet, repressing the memories of Iruka's talk. There had been details.
He would have to escape through the window.
"Hatake-san… do you know why my students are convinced they are being followed by a pedophile?" Iruka-sensei asked.
Naruto listened intently for the pervert's answer but could only hear a faint rustling of cloth.
"That is not," Iruka said with an air of great authority, "an answer,"
"No, I suppose it wasn't." the pervert was laughing. "I can't imagine why they'd think that…"
Iruka sighed before putting the kunai away. "You three may as well come out. Hatake-san is your jounin-sensei."
Fabric rustled from behind the desk, but none of the genin left their hiding spots.
I so didn't make any noise, you liar!
You did too! Sounded like a herd of elephants tickle-torturing a banshee.
…what is wrong with you? It was so you who made a noise.
"He won't molest you, I promise." Iruka sounded amused. "I doubt he's attracted to anything not made of paper."
That's… pretty freaking kinky, Naruto decided. He wondered, momentarily, if the jounin's fetish was related to the sensei for team three, the one dressed in explosive tags. After a few moments of thought, he decided not to go there.
The mystery pervert sighed dramatically, "I'm wounded to my very core. What a cruel thing to say about my paper darlings! You'd like it if you were to try it, just look at this." He voice went low and lewd towards the end. "What do you think of that?" he murmured, accompanied by the rustle of paper. "Want to try it out? I could show you how." Another rustle of paper. "Ohhhhhh, will you look at that? Perhaps I should pass this team,"
Naruto froze in the midst of leaving his hiding spot. The pervert had slung his arm around Iruka-sensei's shoulder and was showing him something. Their backs were all that he could see, but he could hear the distinct scrape of paper against paper. Iruka shrugged the arm off and shoved the other man away, flushing a brilliant shade of red.
"Right." Iruka began, his voice sharp with anger. "You are a pervert. And a freak of the highest order. If you ever, ever show those things to a student or former student of mine, I will ensure that you are stuck with bodyguard duty for Lady Mokoyo for a year. Trust me, I will find out." He paused for a moment. "Now, why don't you take the team, introduce yourself and fuck the hell off so I can go home."
"What? Can't take it, chuunin?" The pervert's voice oozed superiority.
"I'll see you at the mission desk, Hatake-san." Iruka's voice shifted from pissed to excruciatingly polite in an instant. "Have a good day."
Naruto watched in horror as Iruka left the room without another word. The tension of the room eased as Iruka parted then spiked abruptly as the three genin realized they were alone with a man who liked to have sex with paper.