The Addams Family: Girl Scout Cookies

A rewrite of the scene from the first movie where the Family is staying at the motel and the kids are selling lemonade. This is based on a short little dream I had back in 1994 that revolved around that scene.

Rated PG13 to NC17 (Haven't decided yet) for:
Disturbing imagery, discussion of cannibalism, gruesome deaths

It had all started with the Girl Scout who would not buy a glass of their lemonade. Wednesday and Pugsley spent the next few days at the motel concocting a recipe for their version of girl scout cookies with some help from Grandmama. Once they had the recipe and knew what the special ingredient would be, they had to track down their ingredients. Most everything was easy to come by; in most cases, Grandmama had everything they needed.

For the final, special ingredient, Wednesday and Pugsley built several large livetraps and set them up around the nearby meeting place for the Girl Scouts. The Girl Scouts' meeting place was right near a line of trees, so it was easy for the Addams' kids to hide the traps in the dark of night; there were two hidden inside the building in the bathroom stalls, there was one hidden under the floorboards of the small gym inside the building, and there were two hidden just outside the front door to the place. Once they had the traps hidden, Wednesday used one of the spells that Grandmama had taught her; the spell would make it so that anyone who fell into the traps would not be missed or noticed by anyone. When they were done, they went back to the hotel and spent the next two days waiting patiently for the weekly Girl Scout meeting.

Wednesday and Pugsley sat around inside the motel room waiting for the meeting to be over so that they could break into the building and retrieve the traps. Once they saw the group of scouts, five clueless girls short, leave the building, the Addams' kids went into action. They both brought their weapons of choice; Wednesday brought her largest meat cleaver, and Pugsley brought his biggest battle-axe and they both brought a few bowls and various other tools they would need and placed them just inside the line of trees.

They pulled the two traps from just outside the door and drug them into a small clearing inside the line of trees, then they broke into the building and drug the three traps from in there outside and put them with the other two. The girl who would not buy a cup of their lemonade was not among the girls they caught, which gave Wednesday an even sicker thought.

"Pugsley, drag that girl over here." Wednesday told her brother. He went over and kicked the cage open and drug the girl through a patch of thorny bushes over to his sister.

"Should we save anything for Grandmama?" Pugsley asked, holding the girl down as she struggled to get up and run away. Wednesday planted a foot on the girl's stomach.

"I guess we should. Let's save her liver and kidneys. The rest goes for the cookies." And with that, Wednesday drove the knife into the girl's stomach right next to her foot and sliced up, never even nicking the girl's liver. All the time Wednesday was cutting into the girl, she wore a sadistic grin on her face, enjoying the girl's pain and agony. Soon, she and her brother had the girl's liver and kidneys put to one side in a steel bowl and had taken what they needed for their cookies from the girl's lifeless body. Looking at the other girls, Pugsley asked,

"What should we do with them? If we didn't need them for the cookies, why'd we trap so many?" Wednesday thought for a few seconds.

"Well, we could play with them a little… maybe turn one into a cannibal. The others, we could just torture for fun. But first, let's finish these cookies… maybe we'll see that bratty Girl Scout tomorrow." Wednesday answered with a wicked smile. With that, they took their bowl of cookie ingredients and the bowl containing the girl's liver and kidneys back to the motel room. Morticia and Gomez were out trying to find a source of income while they were kicked out of their mansion, which left Grandmama alone in the motel room.

Grandmama had started a fire in a fire pit behind the motel and had a medium-sized cauldron full of water and whatever she could scrounge up for dinner that night coming to a boil. When she saw what Wednesday and Pugsley had brought her, she broke into a smile and hugged them both. Both of the children had blood on their hands and face and clothes, but neither one of them seemed to care about that. All they wanted to do was get their cookies made and have that bratty Girl Scout eat a couple of them; even if it meant buying some of her cookies, it would be a small price to pay.

Grandmama first got things cooking for dinner; liver and kidney stew with toasted toad on the side. Once that was stewing in the cauldron, the old witch and the children set about getting the cookies baking. They divided the ingredients they took from the girl and carefully mixed them in with the rest of the cookie ingredients; half a cup blood, half an ounce of pineal gland extract, one crushed eyeball and half a cup of finely chopped skin. Once the cookie dough was mixed, the children shaped the dough into little balls and placed them on a cookie sheet that was resting on some coals. After fifteen minutes, the cookies were ready and Wednesday and Pugsley put them in a clean bowl, and after washing the blood off them and changing their bloody clothes, they went to bed; Pugsley curled up by the door on a small round rug and Wednesday laying flat on her back with her hands folded over her chest as if she was dead.

In the morning, after a breakfast of leftovers from the previous night's dinner, the children setup their lemonade stand outside and waited patiently for the Girl Scout to walk by. Just when it was looking like she would not be past their lemonade stand, she walked up to it again. This time, Wednesday bought a box of her cookies to try and get her to have one of their cookies, which she did.

All three of the children had a couple of the cookies and the Girl Scout praised the Addams' children for making such good cookies. Wednesday thanked the girl and the girl was just about to walk away when Wednesday started to tell the girl what was in the cookies, but Pugsley stopped his sister.

"Don't! You'll ruin the fun." Pugsley whispered to his sibling. Wednesday frowned, hoping that she would get to tell the girl that she just ate human skin and eyeball in a cookie, but soon understood what her brother was trying to say.

"Wait…" She winked at her brother, "I was thinking we could maybe play a game, unless you have to get going or something." The Girl Scout smiled and answered,

"I'd love to play a game. What'd you have in mind?" Pugsley answered her question,

"How about hide and seek? There's some great hiding places in there."

"Well, okay… but I should call and let my parents know where I am. They get worried if I go someplace and don't let them know where I am." The Girl Scout explained.

"Don't worry… our parents are in that room right there." Wednesday said pointing towards the room that the Addams had rented.

"Okay… I'll be the seeker. You two go hide and I'll count to twenty." She said as she hid her face behind a tree and Pugsley and Wednesday went and hid. They made sure to hide good enough to make it seem like it was a challenge to the Girl Scout to find them and then it was the Girl Scout's turn to hide along with Pugsley, leaving Wednesday to find them both. Pugsley and the Girl Scout went and hid in the woods and Wednesday started counting. Unknown to the Girl Scout was that she was standing in a vertical trap that the Addams' children had setup before going to bed the other night. All of a sudden, the Girl Scout started screaming and shouting. Pugsley came out of hiding and Wednesday calmly walked over to where the girl was trapped. Along the way, Pugsley picked up a softball-sized rock and met up with his sister who was standing there trying to get the girl to calm down.

"What is this thing? Is it some sort of big game trap?" The girl sobbed.

"Looks like it. We'll try to get you out of it, just calm down." Wednesday said, motioning for Pugsley to knock her out with the rock. The last thing the Girl Scout felt was a blinding pain, and then nothing as Pugsley brought the rock down on the side of her head. There was a sickening crunch of bone as the rock connected.

Wednesday pushed the cage over onto its side and the two Addams' dragged it through the woods to the spot where the other four were. Once they had the cage in the small clearing, they went back to the motel room and brought the whole family to the clearing. Gomez brought his favorite nine-iron and a bucket of golf balls, Morticia brought her hedge clippers, and Grandmama brought her favorite poisons once the children explained what they had done. Gomez was proud of the children for finding something fun to do with their time while they were displaced from the family mansion. Once they got out there, Gomez checked the children's work and was pleased with what they had accomplished with so little. Wednesday had brought the plate of cookies and gave one to each family member and went around and gave one to each of the girl scouts. She waited until everyone had finished the cookies before explaining what was in them. The girls were forced themselves to throw up the cookies and tried to make all the attention-getting noise their weakened bodies could make, most could barely raise a whimper.

Gomez was the first to drag one of the girls out of her cage and flipped her over so she was face up. With one foot planted on her chest, he placed a golf ball in her mouth and drew back his nine-iron into a swing.

"Fore!" He yelled as he swung the club downwards, connecting with the ball and the young girl's cheek, sending most of the girl's teeth and a golf club head-sized piece of the girl's cheek flying through the air. Wednesday and Pugsley and the rest of the family cheered Gomez on as he set up for another stroke.

The End