CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the owner of a brand new, deluxe, state-of-the-art EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01. To make sure that he's as healthy as an emo vampire can be, please read this manual.
INFORMATION YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW:
NAME: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen
RACE: "Vegetarian" vampire
SUPPOSED AGE: Well, he's supposed to be 17, but you know he was born in 1901… You know what? Let's just split the difference and say that he's 18. Young enough to still be the most gorgeous piece of flesh out there, and old enough that you won't get into any legal problems later. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
HEIGHT: 6' 2"
WEIGHT: Do you really want to know a guy's weight? That's just creepy. Maybe you should send this EDWARD back to me, I really don't think he should hang around to be corrupted by you.
DIET: Right. So he's a figure. If you've read Absolute Boyfriend, you'll know what that means. If not, that means your EDWARD is the best damn "robot" ever. That means that your EDWARD doesn't need to eat, which may throw him for a bit. What's the steak (not included) (mentioned below) for, then? Well, your EDWARD sort of thinks that he's a vampire…
PUTTING HIM TOGETHER:
Okay, so it might be a little creepy when you open the box up. I mean, really, you ordered an EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01, and the stuff in the box looks like someone took a chainsaw to Michelangelo's David. That's normal. If I were you, I would:
1. Open up the lid
2. Put a raw steak nearby (Keep any and all pets away during the assembly process. You don't want to know what a hungry MODEL 01 will do to your little Fifi.)
3. Run from the room, remembering to lock the doors behind you. Will locking the doors keep EDWARD out? Hell, no. But if you're lucky, he'll respect your wish for privacy.
4. After about an hour, he should have finished putting himself all together while you arranged for little Fifi to stay at the local kennel for the time being. Go ahead and open the door. If you don't make any sudden movements, your MODEL 01 should then associate you as OWNER.
5. Though he'll recognize you as OWNER, you need to hurry and tell him that though he's a vampire, sort of (But don't tell him that!), you totally accept him. Otherwise, he'll either kill you or he'll crawl into the fetal position (due to his natural angsty goodness, mind) and mentally and emotionally explode. Oh, he'll physically explode, too.
COOL THINGS YOUR EDWARD COMES WITH:
1. State-of-the-art stereo and subwoofers. This will arrive about one business day after your MODEL 01 so that he becomes more attached to you than to his stupid stereo. Please take out your MODEL 01 before the stereos!
2. School clothes (Chosen by his favorite sister, MARY ALICE CULLEN)
3. A debit card with so much money, your EDWARD could pay off America's national debt and still be rollin' in it.
4. A natural love of cars. Don't like the beat-up, ready-to-give-out tank of a truck that your dad gave you when you went to live with him? Don't worry. That pile of junk will be replaced with a Ferrari before you can say, "I love you EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01 vampire-figure!" And with that debit card and impeccable credit history, you won't have to pay a penny.
5. Classic Library—"Wuthering Heights, Shakespeare, if it's a classic, we've got it!" (Classic Library is merely an associate of CULLEN CORPORATION. Those at CULLEN CORPORATION and Classic Library would like to remind you that just because it's a classic doesn't mean that it's good or good for you. Remember Dracula and Lolita?)
6. Fancy, super-duper CD collection. It's got everything. Except for 70's music. WARNING: DO NOT LET YOUR EDWARD LISTEN TO 70's MUSIC. IF YOU DO, HE WILL BECOME AN EMMET/EDWARD HALF-BREED. WHILE EMMET IS GREAT, YOU DO NOT WANT HIM CROSSED WITH YOUR EDWARD.
YOUR EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01 IS MADE FOR:
BODY GUARD WORK: Seriously, do I have to explain this one? Your EDWARD is equipped with a stone-hard body, super strength, super speed, and venom. Plus, he's got a pretty mean right hook.
HITMAN WORK: Okay, so did you read the previous bit? Plus, his sharp-shooting is better than yours, I'll bet, and none to shabby compared to the rest of his family's.
CONFIDENCE BUILDER: It doesn't matter if you trip over your feet 24/7 or if you're simply not good at public speaking. MODEL 01 will be sure to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Problem is, your EDWARD will have confidence, but an extremely low self-esteem. Glitch in the system or just another endearing trait?
TUTOR: After living for over a century, this guy's got some knowledge. For a proper tutor, purchase a CARLISLE CULLEN.
PSYCHIC: You know, the kind that can read minds. For a psychic that can tell the future, please purchase a MARY ALICE CULLEN. Note: Your EDWARD comes with the ability to read all minds except for yours and BELLA SWAN. But you can change this so that he won't read any minds. Just watch out for his mondo-depression after you flip the switch on his back. His mind-reading is a crucial part of his identity, and he'll not talk to you or anyone else. (Except a BELLA SWAN, but you're not going to buy a BELLA SWAN, are you? See note under HOW HE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS.)
LOVER: Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Boys, if you ordered a MODEL 01(and you're not our targeted customers, just so that you know), go ahead and ask him for pointers, but DO NOT mess with your EDWARD's sexual orientation. If you do, those at CULLEN CORPORATION will come and take you far, far away where you won't bother the upset fangirls.
HOW HE ACTS WITH OTHER UNITS:
MARY ALICE CULLEN: Well, as long as MARY ALICE doesn't tease him too much, then they're pretty COMPATIBLE.
JASPER CULLEN: JASPERs are scholarly and so is your EDWARD! They'll be UBER-COMPATIBLE, but if you get a JASPER you should probably buy an EMMET too. While JASPERs can relieve tension, an EMMET will be the much-needed comedic relief. Seriously, JASPERs and EDWARDs can become really stoic sometimes.
ROSALIE CULLEN: Eh, she can be really bitchy and that'll get on his nerves. It really depends on what moods your EDWARD and ROSALIE are in. Don't go looking for any hearts to pop up, though.
EMMET CULLEN: They're fairly COMPATIBLE, but to be UBER-COMPATIBLE you need a JASPER, too. Without a JASPER to offset, an EMMET's humor may be a bit much for both your EDWARD and you.
ESME CULLEN: COMPATIBLE. Do you and your mom get along? No? Well then, you'll have no idea how in the world these two are compatible, will you?
CARLISLE CULLEN: COMPATIBLE. If you have an EDWARD, though, your CARLISLE will decide that he needs a job and will then work at your local hospital, where he is considered a god and where the ladies try to do not very nice things with him.
BELLA SWAN: I beg of you, if you have purchased an EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01, please do not buy a BELLA SWAN. They will not come out of the bedroom, except to get your BELLA food. They are beyond UBER-COMPATIBLE; they become each other and know the other better than themselves. Cute to read about, kind of nauseating to see in real life.
This states that the owner of the model, henceforth referred to as the OWNER, may bring the supposedly broken EDWARD back whenever the OWNER would like and not get anything in return. I suppose if the OWNER brings the model back within 40 minutes of purchase the OWNER might get a refund. Amount of refund, of course, depends on how I'm feeling that day and what the OWNER bribes me with which to bribe me. Chocolate usually works, so does a 40s styled-up CARLISLE. Oh--we'll also be checking to make sure that the reason that the OWNER is sending the supposedly broken EDWARD back is because the model was broken when we sent it. If the OWNER somehow manages to break the EDWARD, the OWNER must have magical author powers and I don't want to hear the OWNER complain.
For troubleshooting and FAQs, run to your local bookstore and find our: I BOUGHT A CULLEN! YAY? Special edition excerpt included.
HAVE FUN WITH YOUR EDWARD CULLEN MODEL 01!!!
(o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o) (o)
NOTE: If you have any ideas for the Troubleshooting/FAQ chapter, could you please let me know?
Right-o. The next one will be…MARY ALICE CULLEN!!! YAY! Cheer, dang it!
I got the idea from the lovely Enjie Yekcam's ICHIGO: The User's Manual. She was nice enough to let me try this! Thank you, Enjie!
Also thanks to my beta, who should be working hard as hell to get the next one back to me soon!