Note: I apologize for the extreme delay between chapter, as I've been busy for a while and haven't had the chance to log onto fanfiction (and I kind of forgot as well)
Note: I apologize for the extreme delay between chapter, as I've been busy for a while and haven't had the chance to log onto fanfiction (and I kind of forgot as well). As such, I'm attempting to overhaul my story, with a chapter coming out every week if at all possible.
Thank you to those who have stayed with me the whole time!
This chapter was inspired by Weird-Al Yankovic's song Trapped at the Drive- Thru, because that song was awesome. Also featuring a crossover-cameo from another anime!!
It was noon now, and the paramedics were just finishing up in the Akatsuki hideout. They actually frequented the hideout, and knew the phone number of the place, 1-800-867-5309, by heart. A nurse was finishing running diagnostics for Tobi, who had been close to death via unwilling drug-overdose. Deidara was no better off, having nearly drowned in Hidan's "Holy bottle", which contained 100 alcohol, like the kind used in cleaning infections.
Fate would have it that Kakuzu still couldn't be found, as his closet had been blocked off by rubble caused when Deidara detonated his C-3 bomb to stun Tobi earlier. Police dogs had been barking at it, but they dismissed this because Deidara had thrown bacon into his C-3 bomb for some inexplicable reason. Sasori had been found by Pein, and moved to the "basement" for destroying the kitchen. The paramedics were still having trouble blocking out his screams, but they managed.
The rest had been safely recovered with only minor injury (one paramedic asked why Zetsu was black all over, Pein responded by heading to the basement, a few minutes later he returned and Sasori's screams were higher in pitch and decibel). Pein had lectured them on how to escape a closet, though he was unable to explain why they couldn't find Kakuzu, so he gave up and invited everyone to join him in watching Days of our Lives. Everyone gleefully accepted, following him and in the process, trampling Tobi, who had been laid out in the middle of the hall by paramedics.
Back to the present, the nurse finished Tobi's diagnostic, which read that his IQ had actually increased to a normal humans as a result of the drug-overdose. Moments after making this shocking discovery however, his IQ began ping-ponging back and forth between 2 and 200. Slightly disturbed by this development, the nurse simply left. The paramedics made one last run of the hideout, then moved out as well.
"Such nice people," said Itachi after the paramedics had left. Everyone nodded in agreement, then turned to the TV, where a commercial for new-brand Flori-Clean, the best thing since Oxy-Clean (if anyone got that reference to the Periodic Table of Elements without consulting a model of one, give yourself a cookie) was showing. They watched mesmerized by the fast-acting miracle of fluoride compounds dissolving dirt (and for that matter, the carpet the dirt was on).
"I'm kinda hungry," Konan retorted after the commercial stopped. Everyone nodded in agreement again then turned back to the TV. "Could we go out for a bite, since Sasori destroyed the kitchen?" A wail came up from the "basement".
"Silence down there, your being punished!" Pein shouted back. They heard a slight sobbing noise from the basement, then quiet. The only thing they could hear was the TV, where an advertisement for nothing at all was running.
"Nothing at all. Because you're worth it". The voice in the TV proclaimed. Everyone stared for a few more seconds, then Pein finally spoke up
"I vote we go get take-out." "Who's with me?" Everyone agreed with Pein's ideas, then went to their separate rooms (or in Kisame's case, aquarium) to change so they could go out. About ten minutes later, they all met up in the living room, all dressed and ready to go. Well… most of them.
"Why the hell are you wearing a kilt Deidara?" Itachi asked. They stared at the man-skirt, which seemed to be made out of some kind of fur (don't ask I say don't ask).
"It's all that survived the fire in the kitchen, hn!" Deidara extorted. They heard a crying noise from the basement, and Pein groaned. They all sat there for a minute looking really intense. The moment was then broken by an explosion on TV, which rang through the base. The vibration disturbed the ruins of Hidan's room, and an awful smell like crack and shoe-polish filled the room.
"Let's get out of here!" Exclaimed Konan. Everyone rushed out the door, forgetting Pein's wallet on the counter (he has most of the money in the group). Deidara's man-skirt was whipped up in the wind, leaving quite a mental impression on Konan and Itachi, both of whom were behind Deidara. Poor guys. They got into the Akatsuki Machine, a van painted black and red in the styling of the Mystery Machine. With Tobi's head hanging out of the window, slobbering like a dog, they took off for the nearest town, Iwagakure (Village Hidden in the Stones).
While in the traffic of the highway, Pein turned on the radio and some random heavy metal song sprung forth. The base waves of the radio pushed up Deidara's man-skirt again, giving the people in front of him quite a mental image (Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi). "Wow, Deidara-senpai has such a small-" Tobi uttered, until both Deidara and Kisame started throttling Tobi. Unfortunately, a pedestrian spots them, and thinking they're assaulting a young boy (especially since Deidara's… yeah… was showing to the pedestrians' point of view), he calls the police, who arrive and arrest the group.
As such, they were delayed for an hour while the police cleared Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi (his slobber caused a pile-up on the highway and caused three deaths). They had trouble when they got to Tobi, since he had no file for some weird reason. As such, they were forced to send Tobi to jail for manslaughter. Pein and the group contemplated breaking Tobi out in the parking lot of the Jail.
"Eh, it would take to long." Itachi muttered. The others agreed with him, especially Deidara, who was still seething at Tobi's comment about his manhood. They boarded the Akatsuki Machine, and left the parking lot of the police station, bound for the local Ninja Burger. A traffic jam that had resulted from the aforementioned pile-up kept them waiting for two more hours.
"Finally, were here!" Kisame exclaimed. Everyone basked in the radiance of artery-clogging fast food, reflecting on the fact that it had taken them two hours to reach the Ninja Burger when they could see it from the police station's parking lot. They pulled up to the drive-thru, where a small line had built up. Everyone contemplated on his or her order for a few seconds then told it to Pein so he could tell the lady in the speaker.
"I'll have a hamburger, extra onions," Konan said.
"I'd like the Double-Fire Style special burger, easy on the hot sauce," Itachi murmured.
"Just get me a glass of water," Kisame said, looking increasingly dehydrated by the moment.
"And I'll get the Picasso special, you know with the free play-doh?" Deidara excitedly said.
Pein memorized their orders, then drove up to the speaker window. He repeated everyone's orders into the speaker, one at a time. The voice was marred by static however, so Pein couldn't really hear what it was saying.
"zzzzzz… sir, we're out….zzzzz…zz…doh." Pein took this as saying they were out of play-doh. He told Deidara this, and Deidara started fuming. Pein shrugged and took his order, a Whopper with extra onions but no mustard. The voice then spoke again.
"Sir, I already said…zzzzzzz…zzzz…out…zzzz… doh." Pein sighed, sometimes voices could be so stubborn. He started moving the car forward, oblivious to the voice-box, which then repaired itself for no identifiable reason and blurted out, "I said it already sir, were out of onions and only have green play-doh!" And so the stage was set…
The Akatsuki Machine inched forward in the line, cars in front of and behind it. Kisame was getting desperately thirsty, so Itachi knocked him out so he'd stop whining. They pushed him into the back, which was taken up by a giant water bed (…), and continued on their way.
Finally, the group reached the pay window, or whatever you call it. A girl, 16 by the look of it, sat there, a blank stare on her face. Her hair was a darkish-purple, and she wore glasses. Her nametag was blank. She looked at them, then motioned for Pein to pay.
Pein reached into his pocket, and was quite shocked when his hands came up empty. Pein looked shifty for a second then decided to be straight up with the girl. "We don't have any money." He bluntly said. Pein stood there for a moment, wondering if he was going to have to hurt the girl. Her response was quite a surprise.
"Ok," she muttered. She pulled out a book, then got up and left. Pein and the group sat there for a minute, stunned by what they had witnessed, or more accurately, had not witnessed. Konan tapped Pein on the shoulder, reminding him to go. And so they did, inching up the line again.
And now they were at the pick-up booth, where their meal would arrive on a conveyor belt. Unfortunately, their slight delay made them miss their order, which slid back into the building. "Don't worry," Deidara said. "I've been here before, so I know that the food comes back if you miss it. They sat there for a minute, twiddling their thumbs.
"Ok, I'm bored now!" Itachi exclaimed. They decided to have a game of cribbage, and Pein pulled out the board. Five minutes into the game, Pein started lecturing the others on fair play while moving the pieces, just like what had happened only hours ago. As a result, they missed their meal again.
"Damn it!" Pein exclaimed. Rapidly losing his patience, he ordered Konan to peruse the meal and bring it back to them. She folded herself up into a paper airplane, and went inside the conveyor belt. It was surprisingly well lit, and she found their meals in no time. But what she had forgotten was that in paper form, she had no digits with which she could pick up and transport the meals. As such, she was forced to sit there until the meal emerged again.
But the guys had gotten into another game of cribbage, as such Konan was trapped in the drive-thru, quite literally. After two more passes stuck in the meal, Pein finally remembered and got the meal this time. Konan switched back to human form.
"Took you long enough," Itachi chided. The next thing he saw was Konan on top of him, strangling the bloody hell out of him. Pein and Deidara idly watched the two tussle, and Itachi was pretty close to actually dying, until Konan finally released him. With a grunt, he got up, only to get kicked in the face and knocked out by Konan. She grumpily got into her seat, and even Pein avoided angering her.
At last, after two hours, fifty-seven minutes, and three seconds, they had their lunch. But when Pein and Konan found their burgers without onions, they went on a violent rampage. People fled before them as they tore up half of Iwagakure, then had a nice picnic in an onion field. Deidara, the only one left who wasn't knocked out or rampaging, was surrounded by a gaggle of people laughing at his manskirt, trapped in the Akatsuki Machine as it had run out of fuel.
And what of Zetsu you might ask? Well, after surviving the fire and drug-filled air, he felt that he had survived for a reason, and decided to do some community service. He applied at an office (he could actually have seen the Akatsuki Machine in line if he looked hard enough), then was led to a local police station.
"Ok… your assignment is helping out juvenile delinquents better themselves, ok?" Zetsu nodded, and the man led him up to a drab looking cell. "Your first ones in there, you need to help him with his math homework." Zetsu nodded, put on his best face, then went inside.
And for months, the policemen couldn't get the screaming out of their heads.
I felt this was a good chapter! Keep those reviews coming!
P.S The cameo was Yuki Nagato from The Melachony of Haruhi Suzyimia.