Disclaimer: All rights and characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own my iPod, and that's about it.
A/N: I am working on Revenge Attack but I really wanted to write this since it is an oneshot and going to be extremely funny. I hope. Thanks for reading! Please review!
I don't know how it happened, but somehow Emmett and I were stuck at home watching Bella while everyone else went hunting. I'm positive Edward would have stayed, but he has stayed for the last three times and his eyes were getting dangerously black. Bella practically had to push him out the door, anyway.
No matter how it happened, we were stuck. What were we going to do? Emmett was probably going to come up with some crazy idea that would probably get Bella killed, and I would have to stop him. I sighed.
"What's wrong, Jasper?" Bella asked, looking up from her book. We had been sitting in the living room, but when Emmett turned on the T.V. to the sports channel Bella immediately pulled out a copy of Wuthering Heights and tuned us out.
"Nothing," I said, smiling at her. To be honest, I didn't really want to stay and watch her, but I couldn't tell that to her face. It wasn't nice, and it also wasn't her fault. I glanced over as Emmett turned off the T.V.
"I'm bored." He announced, turning to face us. "We should play a game."
"Like what?" Bella asked, marking her place and setting the book on the table.
"I don't know," Emmett blew some air out of the side of his mouth in thought. "A board game?" he turned to me. "Have any ideas, Jasper?"
I shrugged. "We could play with cards." I suggested. Emmett nodded thoughtfully.
"So, Bella, board game or cards?" he asked for her input.
She shrugged, frowning in thought. "It depends on what card or board game. Like, if it was between BS and Monopoly, I'd say BS. But if it was between Egyptian Ratscrew and Life, I'd say Life."
Both Emmett and I nodded – her reasoning made sense.
"How about 20 questions?" Emmett asked randomly.
Bella raised her eyebrows. "So you gave up on board games?"
"Yes," he nodded seriously. "Beside, this should be more fun." He grinned mischievously. I groaned quietly. Who knew what Emmett would think of.
"I'll go first," I volunteered. Maybe this would make the time pass quicker. I searched my mind for a moment before deciding on something. "Okay, I'm ready."
"Does it breathe?" Bella asked.
"No," I replied.
"Can you play it?" That was Emmett.
"Is it edible?"
"Is it round?"
How would he know that? "Yes."
"Is it red?"
"Is it orange?"
"Is it an orange?"
"Yes. Bella, you win." I smiled at her. She smiled in anticipation.
"Let's see…okay, I'm ready."
"Does it breathe?" I asked.
"Sometimes." She answered, grinning. Sometimes? Okay, that was a new one.
"Does it have four legs?" Emmett wondered.
"Does it have a head?"
"Is it blue?"
"Is it hard?"
"Yes." Whoa. I wasn't expecting that answer. Slowly, I began to get an idea.
"Is it warm?"
"Does it sparkle in the sunlight?"
"Yes," Bella blushed.
"Is it a vampire?"
"Yes," Bella's blush deepened. I glanced at Emmett, and he was grinning.
"Okay, can I go now?" he asked. I had guessed correctly, but since I had already gone, I decided it was only fair.
"Okay, Emmett, you can go now."
"Sweet." He thought for a moment. "I got it – Wait, let me think some more." I settled my hand under my chin and got prepared to wait.
A couple minutes later Emmett looked up. "I got it!"
"Does it have legs?"
"Is it round?"
"Does it breathe?"
"Is it small?"
"Is it smaller than a cat?"
"Is it unusually shaped?"
"Is it purple?"
"Is it square?"
"Is it a book?"
"Can you eat it?"
"Is it sharp?"
"Can you play games on it?"
"Is it cold?"
"Is it made out of paper?"
"Is it flat?"
Bella's eyes sparked. "Is it a card?"
"Yes!" Emmett slapped her a high five. "So you want to go again, or is it Jasper's turn?"
Bella shrugged. "I dunno. I want to go to bed after one round, though."
"Okay," Emmett agreed. "Jasper, do you want to do this one?"
"Sure." I said. "Should I make it hard?"
Emmett eyed Bella as she yawned. "Not too hard." He said.
I nodded. "Okay, I've got it."
"Is it alive?"
"Does it have four legs?"
"Does it have fur?"
"Does it live underground?"
"Does it live in a nest?"
"Does it live in a tree?"
"Is it an animal?"
"Does it like cold places?"
"I don't think so."
"That helps." I rolled my eyes at Emmett's sarcasm. ""Does it have any legs?"
"Does it lay eggs?"
"Does it have scales?"
"Is it a snake?" Well, that was a fair guess.
"Is it a fish?"
"Yes!" I smiled that someone finally got it. "Are you ready to go to bed now, Bella?"
"Wait, I want another turn, okay?" she insisted. I sighed quietly.
"Okay, Bella. Are you ready?"
"Is it alive?"
"Does it have a point?"
"Is it round?"
"Does it give off light?"
"Can you store music on it?"
"Is it a CD?"
"Yes. That was fast. I'm ready for bed now." She got up and stretched and then headed to Edward's room. She turned to look at us before going up the stairs. "I have to have a human moment before I go to sleep, but in case Edward told you to watch me or something, I'll be ready in like ten minutes." She informed us before retreating to his room.
I glanced at Emmett. "So what do you want to do now?" I asked.
"Well, we could watch some T.V. Edward did tell us to stay in the house and make sure we heard her." I nodded and flipped on the T.V., turning down the volume slightly.
We watched for about half an hour, and then I heard Bella's voice drift down the hall. I met Emmett's gaze and knew he had heard it too.
"Let's go listen," he said, sudden excitement flaring in his eyes. I nodded hesitantly – hopefully Edward wouldn't be mad at us for listening to Bella's sleep talk.
We reached his room quickly, just in time to hear Bella say, "Edward." I raised an eyebrow. She said his name in her sleep? We crept closer.
"Edward," she sighed. I hoped she would something else. Hearing Edward's name would get really boring really fast. I saw from the look on Emmett's face that he agreed completely.
"No!" Bella cried. I flinched back in surprise.
"'No' what, Bella?" Emmett asked, imitating Edward's voice perfectly.
"Of course the answer isn't house!" she replied. "It's a key, silly!" Ah, so she was playing twenty questions in her dream.
Emmett still looked confused, so I whispered, "Twenty questions," and then turned back to Bella.
She was silent for a couple minutes, so I decided to get her started. "What are you doing, Bella?" I asked in Edward's voice.
"Watching Jasper." She replied. Emmett's mouth dropped open in silent laughter.
"Watching Jasper do what?" he asked.
She frowned. "I don't know. Emmett's there, too."
I froze. Did she know we were here? Maybe we should leave… "What are they doing?"
"Taking off jackets." Okay, so she didn't know we were there. But why would we be wearing jackets in the first place?"
"Why were they wearing jackets?"
"Because it was snowing!" she seemed to be getting frustrated.
"How long has it been snowing?" Emmett asked. I waited for her answer, but nothing came. "Bella? Did you hear me?"
"Go away," she mumbled. "I'm trying to sleep." It was softer than her sleep talking. My eyes widened as I realized Emmett had woke her up. Quickly and silently I dashed down to the living room, sighing as I sat on the couch. I hoped Bella would just go back to sleep and not remember this in the morning. Emmett joined me in the living room, and we watched T.V. at the lowest volume so as not to wake Bella again.
When morning came I heard her get up and enter the bathroom. Emmett grinned at me, and I knew he had something planned.
"What, Emmett?" I asked him. Better to find out now than later.
"I had an idea," he said mysteriously. I smiled slightly.
"Yeah, I figured that much out myself. What's your idea?"
"We could hide from Bella and then when she comes down she'll freak out!" he seemed excited by his idea, but I wasn't sure.
"That sounds fun," I admitted. "But Edward would probably have our heads."
He waved his hand, dismissing the matter. "No he won't. Even if he finds out, Bella will stop him before he hurts us."
"Are you sure about that?"I challenged him. "If we freak Bella out enough she'll be glad to let Edward loose."
Emmett's frowned and went into thought for a moment before grinning at me. "No, it'll be fine."
I raised an eyebrow. "Are you Alice now? Did you see the future?" The sound of my love's name, even coming from my own mouth, made me want to be able to hold her in my arms. Pushing the feeling aside – I didn't need a lustful Bella and Emmett to deal with – I focused on Emmett's plan. He seemed determined to go through with it, and if Edward did threaten us we could probably get away. It would be two on one.
I sighed heavily. "Okay, Emmett, we can try. It sounds like Bella's coming down, so be quiet!" Before I even finished my sentence he was gone. I rolled my eyes and went in search of a hiding place. I found it quickly, and I settled down to listen.
"Emmett?" I heard Bella's voice call. "Jasper?" She stumbled around the living room for a moment, and then headed to the kitchen. I guessed she was getting breakfast. I heard a low chuckle come from Emmett, too low for Bella's ears.
She ate her breakfast quickly. Her breathing seemed normal, so she didn't seem to be freaking out yet. I knew Emmett would start to get impatient soon.
"Hey, Jasper? Emmett?" she called our names again. When we didn't answer, she said. "I'm going to read now, okay?"
Once again she was met with silence, but I heard her sit down and flip open the book. Slowly, her pulse began to quicken, and I wondered if it was because of the book or because she was finally starting to freak out.
"Are you guys there?" she finally said, dropping her book on the table. "If you're playing a joke, this isn't funny."
Suddenly, Emmett decided to try and scare her. He made really convincing wolf howls, causing my muscles to tense in reaction. Bella stood up.
"Stop it, Emmett." She said severely. He continued for a moment, and then was silent. I heard his low laugh again.
"Jasper?" I heard her voice plead. "If you're there, please come out." Suddenly I was overcome by feelings of grief. Trying to get myself under control before I decided to show myself, I set out some calming waves. I heard her pulse slow. Emmett cussed under his breath. Rolling my eyes, I stopped my meddling. Her pulse sped up.
"Come on guys, please come out." When we didn't answer she decided to try another tactic. "I'm bored. Emmett, do you want to play a game?" I heard Emmett lean forward slightly, but then he shook his head and sat back down. She was a sneaky one, that Bella.
I heard her take deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She probably had her eyes closed. Grinning evilly, I sent some anxiety her way. When her breathing sped up to hyperventilation, though, I decided to ease up.
"Jasper, are you there?" now she sounded suspicious. Dang it, maybe I shouldn't have played with her emotions so much. She waited for a long moment, probably hoping we would show ourselves, but when we didn't show she sighed.
"What am I going to do?" I heard her murmur to herself. I imagined her head in her hands. "Should I call Edward? What if I bother him with nothing? I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but then he would come home and might have to go away again. I would mind that." She sighed. Then, abruptly, she became angry. "Oh, I am so going to get them for this." Fearing for my life – not from her, of course, from Edward – I got ready to leave my hiding spot. Then a noise stopped me in my tracks.
The front door opened, and I heard Bella stand up quickly.
"Edward!" she cried, relief strong in her voice.
"Hello," he said, his smile evident through his tone. I heard her walk quickly toward him and I supposed she hugged him. I missed Alice a whole lot more.
"Where are Emmett and Jasper?" he asked.
I imagined her shrugging. "I don't know. I woke up, and then they weren't here." I heard Edward's low growl, probably too low for her to hear. Oh, we were in big trouble.
"Emmett!" I hissed through my teeth. Edward's growling stopped. Emmett didn't answer. He was going to regret it if he had abandoned me.
"Jasper." Edward said, coolly, evenly. "Come out, please." I could hear something brewing under the surface of his tone. I considered hiding. "Now," his tone was suddenly more threatening. I winced, and then slowly got out from my hiding place.
"Hey, Bella." I said weakly. She glared at me from Edward's side.
"What's this I hear about you scaring Bella?" Edward asked me.
"It was Emmett's idea." I said automatically.
Edward smiled – I took it as a good sign. "Now that I believe. But why did you go along with it?"
I shrugged. It sounded like fun, and I knew Bella would be in no real danger. I didn't bother speaking aloud. Edward raised an eyebrow.
"I think Bella should hear you say it." He told me.
Sighing, I said, "Bella, Emmett and I hid from you because it seemed fun, and I knew you wouldn't be in any real danger." Then I turned to Edward. "Happy?"
"Yes," he replied. "Now, we need Emmett. Come here, Emmett."
Emmett didn't come.
"If you don't come before I count to five, you will be very sorry." Edward threatened. "One, two, three, four…"
"Wow, Edward, I didn't know you could count that high," Emmett said, emerging from his hiding place. Then he turned to Bella. "Sorry, Bella. Especially for the howling. That was probably going too far."
"Yes, it was," she agreed.
"Howling?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.
Emmett realized he had made a mistake. "I was just trying to scare her, you know, so that she would be more relieved when she found out it was a joke. I was just howling like a wolf. No need to freak out." I could see he was clearly hoping Edward would let it go.
No such luck.
"You have just made matters much worse for yourself, Emmett," Edward said, smiling pleasantly. It was an odd combination, threats and smiles. Bella giggled.
Emmett flinched in horror. "Please don't kill me. Then you would have to deal with Rosalie. You wouldn't want that. See? Now I'm looking out for what's best for you. And what's best for you is leaving poor Emmett alone. How about that, huh?" In a turn of event that I was sure too subtle for Bella to realize, Emmett had just shown Edward that hurting him wasn't his best option anymore.
Edward frowned at him.
Then Bella stepped in. "How about this. Edward, you forget about it for now, and Emmett, you promise to never do anything like it again. How about that?" Edward continued to frown, but I saw Emmett nod his head eagerly. Obviously he was just trying to get out of punishment. There was no doubt in my mind that he would be back to playing pranks in a couple hours.
Edward sighed, "Okay, I'll go along with it. Now, Bella, what would you like to do?"
"Can we go to your room?" she asked, gazing up at him. "There's something I need to talk to you about."
"Of course." He smiled and proceeded to lead her up the stairs.
I looked to Emmett. "You know she isn't going to forget this, right? She may not make you pay for it now, but if she remembers after she turns, you will always be watching your back. There are too many things she will want to get back at you for,"
All color drained from Emmett's already pale face, and he looked at me hopelessly. "Will you help me, Jazz?" I could tell he was using my nickname to soften me up. Just then the rest of our family entered the room.
"Maybe," I smirked at him. "But at the moment I have other things to attend to." And then I went to Alice's side. Emmett grinned at me before turning his attention to Rosalie. I smiled as Alice wrapped her small arms around me and gave me a much appreciated hug.
"How was baby-sitting?" she asked.
"Interesting!" I replied, laughing.
A/N: Hello again! I hope you liked that, I needed to write something random before continuing with Revenge Attack. Please review, and please check out the poll I have on my profile! Thank you!!