Afternoon all, this is Silver Sunshine reporting with some live-breaking news! I HAVE UNCOVERED THE TRUTH ABOUT THE X-MEN! Read on:




Item A: Beast

After being shunned by society because of his different, sometimes frightening appearance, Beast found out he was REALLY "different". Ladies and gentlemen, Beast is gay. That entire Carly (the blind girl Beast "fell in love with" in the cartoon) fling was a sham. That episode was created by Marvel in order to hide the truth.

Proof:
-Beast is smart and kind and polite. He's gay. All the smart, kind, polite ones are...
-He runs around in a blue thong-type "uniform". Enough said.




Item B: Cyclops

You all remember the time in the comics when Cyclops was presumed dead, but in fact he was like chillin' wit Apocalypse or something? This reporter has found that CYCLOPS WAS NEVER CHILLIN' WIT APOCALYPSE!!! In fact, he ran off with a showgirl from Vegas, got extremely drunk, and was married to her by an Elvis impersonator. As he rather unpleasantly found out later, she was really a man. He then proceeded to divorce her/him and then got drunk (again). He passed out in the Nevada desert and is currently trying to hitch rides back to Westchester. He was last seen being dragged into the trunk of a red camaro.

Also, Cyclops has OSD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Proof:

-he got rid of Eugene. Stupid stupid Cyclops, he thought that Eugene the monkey (many of you are familiar with him) was spreading fleas throughout the X-Mansion. Sorry to dissapoint you Cyke, Jubes was the one spreading fleas.
-everything always has to be HIS way. This reporter has found out from an anonymous source (let's just call her "Jean Grey", shall we?) that Cyclops is blackmailing the professor so that he can remain leader of the X-men. What is he blackmailing him with, you ask? Well Cyclops found out about his elicit affair with Beast and is using that information to keep the professor at bay.




Item C: Jean

Woooo I think this is gonna be hard. There's so much to write about this X-Woman, so little time.

First off, this reporter has found that Jean IS NOT A MUTANT! That's right folks, Jean has no telepathic or telekinetic abilites what so ever!

Proof:

-she faints every time she tries to use her "powers". Poor thing, she really believes she has them. She exhausts herself scrunching up her face and trying to will people to be lifted ten feet into the air.


Secondly, Jean is having a secret affair with...are you ready for this...JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!

Proof:

-Thinking she was Britney Spears because of her ditziness (poor Justin, Britney and Jean's IQ levels are the lowest on the planet, he got confused as to which is which because of both of their lacks of personality), Justin invited her to Alcopolco for the weekend.
-One thing led to another and let's just say Jean should be glad Scott's in Nevada hitching rides home or else he'd be PRETTY angry.




Item D: Gambit (I'm sorry girls, this has to be done)

As much as I love Gambit, the truth must be told. GAMBIT IS NOT A CAJUN! He does not speak fluent French, and the accent is a sham!

Proof:
-This reporter has found out that Gambit secretly studied the X-Men for many years. After taking classes in how to fake an accent, Gambit (who's real name is John Smurnanoff) developed the PERFECT REPLICA of a cajun accent and joined the X-Men as Remy Lebeau. He thought the name sounded better, and (quote) "maybe with the french accent that hot southern chick will go out with me" (unquote)

Alas poor Gambit, it came as quite a shock when he found out Rogue can't touch people mwahahaha. He then proceeded to try and steal Jean but she was too busy with Justin Timberlake. Ouch, poor Gambit, he just don't get a break. He was going to make a move on Jubilee then sobered up and realized that he had to stop drinking that odd green liquid in Professor Xavier's office.




Item E: Wolverine

He's our mystery man, known only as Logan. Well, this reporter has found out Logan's last name! That's right, I now know the last name of the man in yellow spandex, and why he's been hiding it for so long!

Wolverine's full name is...

LOGAN JINGLEHEIMER SMITH!!!!

That's right. He's hid the truth for this long because he was afraid Gambit and Cyclops would make fun of him.

Poor Wolvie, he's really very sensitive at heart. That's right, this reporter has come to the conclusion that Wolverine IS SENSITIVE!

Proof:
-the praying in the church during that episode of the cartoon with Nightcrawler. Aw. He thought no one was watching, but we got a glimpse of his sensitive side.
-he CRIED when he got his ass beaten on by Proteus. Hehehehe....




Item F: Jubilee

Ah yes, Jubilee. The one X-Man everyone enjoys thinking up creative death scenerios for. This post will answer the questions "Why does Jubilee exist if the world would be a helluva lot better off without her?" and "What the hell is with that yellow raincoat?"

So...

a) Jubilee exists because Stan Lee felt that he needed to introduce a younger, hipper, X-Man that teenagers could identify with. Unfortunately, his dream was shattered because the guy he asked to create Jubilee was notoriously drunk at the time. When Stan the man said, "Younger, and hipper" the notoriously drunk guy obviously heard, "Faggish and incredibly stupid" because Jubilee was born.

b) Jubes always wears that hideous yellow trenchcoat thing because every time the X-Men have tried to bring her shopping at the Salem Centre for new clothes, someone either tries to kill them, capture them, laugh evilly at them, challenge them, slay them, beat them, or kidnap Rogue for their own selfish pleasure (they didn't show the episode in which that last one occured, it was horrible.)




Note: This reporter cannot confirm the rumour that Storm did not get enough oxygen at birth, but I know she sure as hell isn't getting enough right now.


This is Silver Sunshine, signing off! Goodnight!