Disclaimers: These characters and this world belongs to JKR. Mentioning of blood.
"SIRIIIUUUSSS!" Harry's voice ripped though his skull like a bolt of lightening. He jolted awake and sat straight up in bed. His breath was coming out in heavy gasps and he instinctively turned on his side to hug Sirius.
But he wasn't there. He wouldn't be, would he? Remus sighed sadly and laid on his back staring blankly at the ceiling. Tears were welling in his eyes. Sirius had left Grimmald Place to him. And, he was thankful. For once he didn't lose everything … just everything. But, he wasn't out on the street, he told himself. He'd been in worse scraps than this. He'd get by. He always got by. But, then Sirius was always alive. Maybe not available, but alive. And Harry was talking to him. Even if he didn't know Remus existed, Harry was alive and could be talking to him.
Now, Harry seemed to blame Remus for Sirius' death. Or something. Remus was unable to get out of Harry why he was truly angry. But, the cause didn't matter. The truth of it was Harry was angry, and not talking to Remus. And, although the Order was there the best they could be, they weren't his pack. They were gone. They were all gone.
The scene replayed in his mind. He saw what was happening before anyone else. He saw Harry and Sirius too close to the cross over veil. He saw Sirius get pushed in that direction, in his primal need to protect Harry. He started rushing towards them, nearly taking a curse or two himself in his hurry. Then he saw it. Sirius fall behind the veil. He felt his heart break, but he also saw the look in Harry's eyes. He knew what he had to do, and flung himself at Harry, holding him close as Harry tried to jump behind the veil and follow Sirius. Remus repressed his pain, and took on Harry's as well, as Harry fought him to jump into the veil. He'd lost them: James, Lily, Sirius, he would not lose Harry.
Afterwards, Harry wouldn't even look at him, let alone talk to him. "What am I going to do, Paddy?" he whispered into the air.
'Let him be, Remus,' he heard in his head. 'He'll come around. He's just hurting. He'll come around.'
Remus sniffed. It's exactly what Sirius would have said. Tears dripped quietly down the sides of his head. He knew that Sirius was right. Sirius was nearly always right about things like this. But, it still didn't dull the pain.
"I just don't understand why he didn't let me go in after Sirius. It was like he wanted him to die. He wanted him to just be out of his life!" Harry raged to Ron and Hermione.
"Harry, listen to yourself. Of course he didn't want Sirius to die, but he didn't want you do die either," Hermione responded.
"Besides, mate. There's no returning from those veils. They're how bodies are dealt with after Azkaban." Realizing what he just said, Ron went stark white.
"I noticed," Harry spat at him. He remembered seeing Sirius fall. He remembered being close enough to catch him. Then, all of the sudden, Remus had a tight hold on him and wouldn't let him go. He could have saved Sirius, if only Remus hadn't interfered. 'Some friend he is,' Harry thought hatefully.
"Hetchuff! Esshuff!" Remus sneezed wetly. He groaned and rubbed his forehead. He had fallen asleep crying. Never a good thing. "Het-CHUFF!" He reached to his nightstand and picked up his handkerchief. Pulling himself out of bed, he blew his nose fully.
'Crud,' he thought to himself, when the pressure in his head didn't release. This wasn't just a falling asleep crying problem. He was sick….again.
"Harry, you really should talk to him," Hermione urged. She'd seen Remus walking around the house, as if in a daze. He didn't smile anymore. Not that she expected him too. But, he didn't give advice. Did what he was told when he was told. Didn't ask questions. And, didn't have chocolate on hand at all times. In other words he wasn't himself at all.
"Why?" Harry snapped. "So he can tell me he did what he did for my own good? So, he can say that I'm the sole remaining member of his pack? So that he can ease his guilt of letting Sirius die, by saying at least we still have each other? No, Hermione, I won't! He doesn't have his pack, and he doesn't have me. He wanted Sirius to die. He obviously did, because he let him fall, and didn't let me save him. I'm not a member of his pack anymore. I'm not!"
"Harry!" Both Hermione and Ron exclaimed at once.
"It's true!" Harry yelled back. "What don't the two of you see that it's true!"
"It's not Harry! It's not!" Ron exclaimed. "You love him." But, he couldn't get any further, though the blush in his cheeks.
Hermione chose a different strategy. "Harry, you know that's not true. You're angry that's fine. But, don't you go blaming Remus for this. And you KNOW you're the only family he's got left. He saved your life Harry, the least you can do is appreciate him for that."
"I guess," Harry grumbled. He didn't know what they were talking about. He wasn't in any danger. All Remus did was stop him from saving Sirius. Why didn't anyone understand that?
'These walls, they let anything slip out, if you don't put a silencing spell on them,' he heard Sirius voice in his head.
Remus had gotten himself a cup of tea, with ample honey and lemon, and was walking by the pup's room. He smiled as he remembered how Sirius used to call Ron, Hermione and Harry pups. The pups of the pack. A few silent tears dropped into his tea.
He was just about to move on when he heard it. Harry's outburst. He bit his lip so hard it bled and ran up to his room. He slammed the door behind him and threw down the mug of tea. Then, though all his rage and hurt he let it out, a howl.
The wolf's howl echoed through the house, followed by breaking things and rummaging in his room. Molly, Arthur, and Tonks were downstairs trying to decipher some odd codex's intercepted and all raced to his door.
Harry, Ron and Hermione heard it too. Hermione was the first out the door, trying to figure of what she could do to calm him. Then was Harry. He couldn't explain why, but something inside him told him Remus was in danger. And try as he might, he couldn't quell the feelings to make Remus' pain stop.
When they all converged at the top of the stairs they were surprised how easily they were able to open the door. It wasn't even locked. But, what surprised them the most was Remus, battered and bloodied lying in a heap on the floor.
All at once Arthur and Molly started shouting commands.
"Hermione, go get bandages!" Arthur shouted. Quietly, he added, "Damn, Remus what did you do to yourself?"
"Harry, I need a basin of warm water and wash rags." Molly stated clearly and calmly.
Harry lingered for a bit, watching as blood pooled around Remus. Some dark part of him thought, 'Hah! You got what you deserved you freak!' But, he quickly batted that away. "Remus?" he called quietly.
"Harry?" Molly asked gently, watching hurt and fear cloud the boy's mind. "Go. Basin, water, rags. Go now love."
Harry nodded and quickly rushed out the door, nearly bumping into Hermione who was coming in. "Do you still not care about him?" she hissed at him as they crossed.
"I didn't mean it Hermione. I didn't."
Arthur took charge next. "Tonks, take his head, cradle his neck in your arms. Molly put your arms under his knees, I'm going to lift his back. Ready? On three we move him to the bed. One…two…three…"
It was dark when Remus opened his eyes. He hurt everywhere. His head and arms felt heavy. His nose tickled fiercely. 'What's this?' he asked himself, looking to the side of him. "Harry?"
Harry jolted awake. He had fallen asleep in a chair he'd set up by Remus' bed. People wanted to trade out looking over him, but Harry wouldn't leave his side. In his dreams he saw a mixture of Sirius' death, but it looked different somehow. Like Remus had grabbed him when Sirius was too far gone. Like Remus had saved his life. Like everything Ron and Hermione had been telling him for weeks. "Hey," he said quietly. He noticed a pained expression on Remus' face. "What is it?" he asked, leaning closer.
Remus turned away and tried to lift his arm to cover his face. "Hek." But the pain was searing, "Ahh!" he screamed in agony, "Hek-AH-KeTCHUFF! Shuffhah!" He sniffed liquidly. There was another lurking in there, but his nose was running and he couldn't lift his arm. He couldn't let Harry see him like this.
"Go, 'way, 'arry," he commanded.
"No." Harry responded simply.
"HetChuff!" Remus sniffed and choked.
"Remus let me help you."
'I'm not part of his pack', Remus heard the words as rage and hatred – not for Harry – but for himself surged through his body. Before Harry could react, Remus reached around and took a bite at his own shoulder, holding on until Harry was sure he would draw blood.
"No, Remus!" He shouted.
But, Remus clung onto himself, blood started to drip.
"Remus, no!" Without thinking, Harry grabbed onto Remus' chin and pushed it away from his shoulder.
Stunned, Remus let himself go. "What do you care?" he asked gently. His eyes glistening with tears. "You think I wanted Sirius to die. What do you care what I do to myself?" He sniffed.
Harry sat on the bed and gently tended to Remus' nose. "Because I care, Remus. I've always cared." He took a cool cloth out of the basin and laid it on Remus' new wound.
Remus gasped, but didn't shake it off.
"Of course you have, pup," he said, not believing a word of it. He turned his head away from Harry, "Hetchiff! Kesshiff! Kessh!" He sniffed.
"Don't hold them in like that. I know it's painful for you."
Remus smiled. It had been making his head pound to hold in the sneezes. He was pleasantly surprised that Harry had remembered. And, just in time.
"Hep-Ka-THCHOO!" The sneeze tossed him forwards. His shoulder and arm screamed in agony. He saw stars and was unable to sniffle at all, through the congestion.
"Bless you. Here," Harry said leaning over and instructing Remus to blow his nose.
Without any other choice, Remus did as he was told. When his nose had finally cleared, he whispered. "I'm sorry Harry."
Lightly, Harry raked his fingers through Remus' hair.
Remus calmed considerably, and leaned into Harry's touch.
"Harry, I didn't want Sirius to die," Remus said, unexpectedly. "I just wanted you to live."
Harry's eyebrows knotted. "What are you talking about?"
Remus sniffed, partly from tears, partly from the sneeze that was creeping up on him.
"I hah- I hearah- HatHUFFah! 'scuse me." He felt Harry put another tissue in front of his face, and he blew until he couldn't anymore. "Thang you," he sighed.
Harry's heart sank to his stomach. "You heard me venting to Ron and Hermione?"
Even in the darkness Harry could see Remus nodding his head.
Harry sighed, and attempted to gather Remus into his arms. The older man had turned his back to him, and was still refusing to look at him.
Remus groaned and gasped in pain, and Harry stopped. "Remus, look at me."
Carefully, Remus turned over. What he wouldn't have given for Sirius to walk in right now.
"Remus, I'm sorry. I was just venting."
"Doesn't matter. Some part of you thinks I wanted him to die. I can't live with that."
Harry whimpered with hurt. It was absolutely the last thing he ever expected Remus to say.
He looked over his old professor and most trusted friend. Arthur said that Remus had 3 broken bones and more cuts and bite marks that was safe. Three wounds were already infected, and with a cold setting upon him, he'd be lucky if he didn't get pneumonia or worse. And, it was only 2 weeks away from the moon. "This outburst may just kill him," Mr. Weasley had said.
"Remus, did you do this because of me?"
"No, for you," was the quiet reply. "Next time it will work. I promise."
"No!" With an overwhelming surge of emotions he hugged Remus close to him and started to sob.
Remus gasped in pain, but couldn't bring himself to push Harry away. "Don't worry about it, pup. I'll be with Sirius. We'll both be happy."
Harry continued to sob, all the while whispering, "No, no, no."
The pain beginning to overwhelm him, Remus asked, "I'm worse off than I feel aren't I?"
Harry relinquished hold and looked at him. All he could do was nod.
Remus nodded back and looked at the ceiling again.
"I know you didn't want this, Remus. I know you didn't want him to die. Thank you, for saving my life," Harry said with all the emotions he felt
Remus looked at him. Harry had spoken with such conviction. He sighed. He'd been known to say things he didn't mean when he was angry. He supposed Harry had the same right. Unsure of what to do or say, he quietly whispered, "Thank you."
"I love you, Remus," Harry admitted.
With quiet understanding, Remus returned, "I love you too, Harry."