Addictions by blackdragonflower
Summary: Mello cuts himself for control. Matt smokes, not because he wants to, but because he's addicted. Two friends drawn by their addictions to help the other... Could they save each other? No pairings intended!
Characters belong to Death Note by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata
WARNING: If you are a cutter, or are trying to heal I wouldn't suggest reading this for your own good.
a/n: I apologize now if the ending is corny/sappy --
Drip. Drip. Drip.
The sound seemed to echo as it splattered into the cold porcelain tub in the form of scarlet droplets. Red, everything was red, and it scared him. He felt he needed it, to control himself, to tell himself what he was doing with his life was right. He did this, to keep himself twistedly sane. He stared at the wound as it healed, now what remained were sticky beads of blood. He cursed under his breath and pressed the sharp edge into his flesh again reopening the wound, deeping the once throbbing pleasure of pain to a mutted scream.
Trickles now, his side stained crimson with his own blood. Mello placed the knife on the floor and inhaled deeply. His heartbeat was sparatic, he felt weak, but forced himself to stay awake. 'I won't let myself be weak... I can't let all this pressure get to me...' He was sitting in the tub fully dressed, but his vest open, the blood running down his side in slivered streams. 'Fourth time this week... third time today... and it's only Monday...' Mello sighed and leaned his head back against the shower's walls.
Control. This is what he believed to gain from this act. Control.
His body was numb, perfect; his mind, in control. Mello bit his lower lip. The inside of his cheek was beginning to swell from where he'd bit it too hard. All he wanted was control of himself. The pressure of everday living weighed heavily on his shoulders. Being apart of the mafia, forced to never make a mistake, and when you did, it cost you nearly everything. His life, hung in a balance, he knew, a thin balance. His only goal as of now was to destroy Kira, to defeat Near for once in his life. The thoughts of failing often entered into his mind, pushing him, tearing him mentally apart on the inside. This is how Mello tried to keep himself from growing insane, the frigid unrelenting blade. His eyes began to slip shut. 'No... must keep awake...'
There was a quiet knock. Mello's thoughts were swimming, his words didn't seem to come out right. "What?"
"Mello... you've been in there a long time... You okay?" Matt. How could he forget him? Mello grabbed for the knife on the floor and accidently slit his hand open, in the panic of the moment. He let out a stream of cussing and Matt opened the door concerned. Mello's eyes snapped up, his blood running cold as he saw his best friend's face. He tried to be so careful, next time he'd lock the damn door he decided. Matt's eyes flickered to the blood stained porcelain, to the drying blood on Mello's side, to the new wound that had just been inflicted. "M-Mello..." Mello, lost it.
The whole world, went a bloody red. Mello saw the fiery red of Matt's hair and pressed himself against the wall of the tub his face buried in his knees, his hands tangeled in his blonde hair. Matt frowned, he never knew. He'd never seen Mello like this, falling apart. Mello was mumbling incoherently, his body trembling from blood loss and a panic Mello would never admit he was going through. Matt bent over and picked up the knife, stained with blood, Mello's blood. He set it far away on the counter and knelt beside the tub. "Mello..."
"Go away! I don't need help!" Mello yelled into his knees. Matt's eyebrows furrowed and he grabbed Mello's wrist. The blonde stared him in the eyes.
"Mello why?" The gamer's voice was soft.
"Control." Mello hissed and wretched his wrist from Matt's grip, "because every time I kill someone I feel the remorse, I feel the guilt, but I want no... Ineed to beat Near... kill Kira! I have to be number one!" Matt sighed, worried for his best friend.
'How long has this been going on Mello? How long have you excluded me from you when I could've helped? How long have you kept this all inside?'
"Mello... undress now."
"No." Mello snapped. Matt's eyes narrowed.
"Undress now. You're wounded, those wounds are going to get infected, and then your ass will be in one sorry state Mello..." Matt's voice lowered back to its usual soft tone, "Now please get undressed..." The way he said it was an order. "Or I'll undress you and you'll feel stupid and like a kid."
"I don't need your help." Mello growled.
"Yes, you do. You just don't want to admit it Mells. Cut the act, I'm not the mafia, I'm not the world, I'm your best friend. I've always been here, always will... but you do have to let me in and trust me to help you." Mello growled, right now he hated logic. He slipped out of the shirt and tugged off his boots and pants. "You can leave the boxers on..." Mello was not happy, but deep down he knew he was sick. Matt reached over to the knob and turned. Hot water gushed out of the faucet and burned Mello's skin. He yelped.
"Dammit Matt! That's too fucking hot!" Matt quickly readjusted the water temperature so it was warm, nice, cozy warm. Mello watched as the tub filled with water. He winced as water hit the cuts, creating a stinging reminder they were there. "Ow..." He muttered under his breath. Matt exhaled and took a rag from under the sink. Mello felt, exposed, even though he was still wearing boxers. Sure, Matt had seen him naked plenty of times, they were friends, it happened sometimes, but there was a feeling he didn't like. Mello didn't like the fact he felt emotionally, mentally exposed.
"You wanted control Mello... why didn't you talk to me? You know I'm here to listen."
"I didn't want to burden you Matt... I've asked too much of you already." Mello cringed as Matt began to wash the wounds with soapy water, he'd probably use hydrogen peroxide later, knowing Matt.
"You've not been a burden Mells. Maybe a pain in the ass sometimes but never a burden." Matt bit his lip as he looked over all the angry red lines, and the scars he'd never seen before. "Mello... how long?"
"..." Mello remained quiet.
Matt pressed, "Mello. How. Long. Have. You. Been. Cutting?" Each word emphasized, its own sentence. Mello looked away his eyebrows furrowed. Matt was completely serious, and when he wanted something he would do what was needed to get what he wanted. In a way, a little like Mello, just, the other side of Matt's personality clashed with this side.
"Since I left Wammy's House."
"Dammit Mello..." Matt cussed. He was angry, he wasn't going to hide it, fake it. "Why the hell did you start cutting yourself?!"
"Why'd you start smoking?" Mello's eyes were narrowed as the two stared each other down. Matt looked down and continued to scrub the wounds clean.
"Why? Because the only person that mattered to me left without a word to me. I didn't know what to do with myself, found myself nervous, anxious, and not myself. I needed something to take my mind off the fact you left. I was offered one, I didn't answer, they shoved one into my mouth Mello. Believe it or not, I have tried quitting, it's not as easy as it looks."
"Well you're just not trying hard enough to quit!" Mello was trying to bait him into an argument, trying to change subject. Matt closed his eyes and deeply inhaled.
"Don't change the subject Mello... I understand how hard addictions are... I want to help you quit okay? This isn't healthy for you..."
"Pft... as if smoking's any healthier..." Mello growled.
"Mello... stop acting like a kid. You're being stupid. That's not the point though, I'm going to be here with you. I'm going to help you quit cutting... and if you slip up, I'll be there to help you back up again. Your stuck with me on this one wether you want me or not. Mello..." Matt stared the half naked man in the eyes, "As corny as this may sound, you're always number one to me! The whole world can go fuck themselves if they disagree..." Mello laughed, loud. It had been a long time since he'd laughed. He didn't remember what it was like, the sound, the warm feeling in that lower pit in your gut.
"Fine... Alright... I'll try, but only if you try to quit smoking." Matt smiled that blinding smile of his and stood up. He opened the bathroom door and took the knife with him. Mello sighed, this was going to be hard. He stared at the cuts and scars that adorned his flesh. 'God it'll be hard to stop this... Jesus help me...' "MATT! BRING ME A DAMN BAR OF CHOCOLATE!"