A/N: Okay, I figure this fan fiction might require some explaining. I am part of a Role-Playing website that is predominantly made up of Resident Evil and Silent Hill characters. A lot of our Role-Plays vary from serious to humorous and this fan fiction is based on about the funniest one ever created. There are two original characters: Semerjit Bains is one of them and his daughter is a modified Hunter Gamma…thing. There will also be quite a few inside jokes present in this fan fiction that only those present in the Role-Play might get. I would give an example of a few but I don't want to spoil too much of this fan fiction for you. All I will say is please enjoy and prepare to laugh!
Resident Evil © Capcom
Semerjit Bains belongs to his respective owner.
The Long Road Ahead
Brilliant stars shone and twinkled playfully in the dark navy sky, as if to tell each sleeping creature beneath the lunar blanket that the day ahead was going to be just as beautiful. The haunting hoot of a barn owl issued from a tree in the yard of a modest-sized ranch house deep in suburban America. A low glow of a night light shone from the farthest left window, hinting at a child that might still be afraid of the dark. The room that the said night light was in was absolute chaos. No bed was in the room but instead a rumpled mess of sheets and blankets thrown over a sleeping figure. Pock marks from a B.B. gun circled around the badly wallpapered walls and on the ceiling overhead the light barely hung by a wire. A lone vanity mirror hung at the perfect position to reflect the morning sun's rays as it would begin its slow ascent into the sky. A feminine hand stuck askew out from under the mess of blankets to hold a stuffed alligator that had been dubbed Rewo. This was the room of Hunter, a once deadly Bio-Organic Weapon that, thanks to the marvels of Umbrella science, had been able to be modified further into the form of a young adult woman. Despite the curves under the sheets, she possessed the mindset of a child; the plush she clung to so desperately in her sleep was a prime example of that.
Hunter knew that she would have to rise bright and early so that her and her father could set out on the road. She had only gotten a grasp of what a car was, but she was still trying to understand what a road trip was. Did that mean a person would pack up a portion of a road and take it with them? The only thing she recalled her papa saying was that it was a surprise. She had written it down on a scrap of paper and tucked it under her floppy pillow so she wouldn't forget. Groping around with the hand that didn't hold her alligator plush so close she pulled out the paper and squinted reptilian eyes at the words, written down in a spiral pattern and giggled, "Daddy said we're going on a road trip and everything seems to be going well for it. I hope we get to run over some cows and see some aliens too!" Hunter gave a sigh and closed her eyes, knowing it would be a few hours still until her and her ex-Umbrella researcher of a father could head out in the morning on their long road trip to see her grandparents.
The sound of two chainsaws filling the air was soon followed by a horrendous," Eeyarrgaaahh!!" The Bella sisters, Marianna and Esperanza, were close! Semerjit Bains, known by his closest friends and family as Semer, was about ready to piss himself and strangle the Spaniard that had got him involved with those two. He assumed the pissing would come first, then the screaming like a girl, and finally the strangling of the Spaniard. Semer was a man of Indian descent with a lean runner's build, down-turned eyes, and thick eyebrows and his height was around six foot even. The man knew he couldn't outrun the Bella Sisters and their wishes to sex him up. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the older sister, Esperanza, wink at him through her horrendously bandaged face as she started to move her scabby lips in what looked to be, ugh, a kissy face motion. He turned to run but could only run closer to the chainsaw hag as she held her arms out wide, ready for an emotional embrace and, there it goes, Semer let out a girly scream as he glomped onto the Bella that stunk of feces.
"No! No tongue! No tongue! Ah my lord!" the researcher yelled out loud, sitting bolt upright in his bed. Dark eyes darted to the left and right to make sure that neither Marianna nor Esperanza had happened to jump out of his dream in some Freddy Krueger fashion. He rubbed at his black hair, which looked like a cow had been licking at it the minute he set his head down in the pillow, and let out a long sigh. Ever since his last dealings in Spain with a certain castellan and his trickery, he had managed not only to fear walking through the hardware section of his local Sears, but to also develop a deep hatred for Wee-Man off Jackass. The little freak had gave Esperanza his phone number and Semer started to promptly receive late night phone calls of heavy breathing and the sound of a purring chainsaw. The ex-researcher, however, had gotten his revenge by convincing Esperanza's younger sister, Marianna that Salazar had been pining for her the minute he set his nasty little yellow eyes upon her. Semer considered it a job well done since he hadn't heard any further from the twisted midget.
"Morning, papa." Those two words caused the already frazzled man to give out an unintentionally loud shriek as his "daughter" greeted him. Two wide, innocent eyes stared at the man that had just been clasping a Bella Sister in a not-so pleasant dream. Semer patted Hunter's mess of hair as he turned to get off the bed, feet searching around for a pair of Homer Simpson slippers that had once again ran away from him along with a treasure trove of other cartoon themed footwear. He was pretty much convinced that there had to be some vortex under his bed that sucked away any last slipper he had never to be seen again. Deal with it, he thought to himself as he rose out of the bed to put his long feet on the cold wooden floors.
"What would you like for breakfast, honey?" Semer asked the once-deadly-but-now-humanoid-hooray-for-me Hunter as she padded along behind her "father" in a long t-shirt and a pair of green snake slippers. She grinned up at the thin man who had adopted her even before she had taken on a human guise. The young woman clapped her hands loudly," Pancakes! Pancakes! With...um...sprinkles!"
Semer had to blanch in disgust at the idea. Hunter's idea of sprinkles was the old can of mint and raspberry sprinkles that he had gotten about two years ago in the thoughts of trying to bake a cake. He had only succeeded in catching the kitchen and his pants on fire. He had to admit he had gotten better at cooking since then, but not by much. He smiled back at her, showing his ivory teeth that about glowed in comparison to his darker skin tone," Pancakes with sprinkles it is, then. You sit down and I'll fix them for you."
Hunter happily obliged her father as she sat down at the creaky table, rocking the chair with a wobbly leg back and forth while her Rewo the alligator plush squeaked in her embrace. Hunter knew her papa couldn't cook real well, but he created a great Italian meal he called Spaghetti-O's with meatballs. A forked tongue flicked out between plump lips at the thoughts of how good those little O's felt in her mouth. The meatballs, however, had been overcooked and not like the raw meat the B.O.W. enjoyed so. Still, she knew her papa tried to please her and that was what mattered to her the most. The sun had started to rise over the low mountain range as the sound of early morning birds started to chirrup and twitter their songs to herald in the new day. The neighbor's dog barked in agitation at the much-too small leash just as a bird flitted on top of a fence-post as if to tease the dog. Hunter tilted her head to the side and watched, waiting impatiently for her father to make the pancakes she so loved.
Semer checked the digital clock that displayed itself over the oven after he had pulled out a box of generic frozen pancakes from the freezer. They only had thirty minutes to get ready before their road trip and the lanky man had no time to spare. He pulled out three pancakes, two for Hunter and one for him, and slammed them into the microwave and pressed the timer. He knew the girl didn't know the difference between homemade pancakes and those straight from the microwave plus that would shave time off getting ready. All bags had been packed in the trip to visit his parents. Hunter had never seen them and quite frankly, she would have horrified them in her old frog-lizard thingy form. The ex-researcher had no particular fondness for his parents. His father was a man that overexerted his masculinity by calling everyone around him floozies or tramps, even cartoon characters such as Daphne from Scooby-Doo. That was a sad day because Semer recalled he'd used to watch the show after he returned home from elementary school only to have his father call the animated girl a tramp in cheap boots. His mother agreed but had more vulgar terms in mind. Sufficed to say that was the last time he watched that show.
"Papa, that metal box is beeping!" Hunter pointed to the microwave as Semer quickly grabbed the pancakes out and put them in front of his daughter, overloading them with old nasty tasting sprinkles. He ran back to the fridge, nearly tripping over his own feet to grab the maple syrup and pour it over the pancakes. Hunter flicked her tongue out once more before she dug into them, sans fork. The hurried man turned back to grab his pancake by the time he had retrieved a small chug of chocolate milk from the fridge to see his ravenous B.O.W. had already ate all three pancakes. He set the chug on the table and rolled his eyes," You get yourself dressed while I get myself ready. Remember to be fast on your toes, honey, 'cause we ain't got much time!"
The ex-researcher wasted no time in getting himself ready for the long trek ahead. Thanks to Hunter, Semer fell right over a basketball she had left lying on the floor as the thin man fell face first into the bathroom. Things didn't get much better from there as he stepped right into the shower with his clothes still on. The second try had him blasted in the face with scalding water as he jumped around in pain to soothe the burn off his steaming skin. With a nice red hue to his skin, Semer managed to change into a pair of blue jeans, flip flops, and a white v-neck shirt. Grabbing his keys off the sofa, he jangled them at Hunter to prompt her to hurry and get ready while he started his SUV. He stretched as he headed outside, a goofy grin plastered on his face as he surveyed the dew on the grass," This is going to be one glorious day for a road trip!"
A/N: Woo! First chapter wrapped up in what I hope to be a rather funny fan fiction. I just had to take a break from the Ninth Castellan to go for something that focused more on the funnier parts of Resident Evil. I'm quite sure a lot of it doesn't make any sense but this is simply due in part to this being in a Role-Play developed from a lot of inside jokes and such. Oh? I hinted at Salazar, you say? Well…all I can say is stay tuned to the next chapter where the guffaws really, hopefully, pick up from there! I will try to update each chapter as the Role-Play progresses.