A/N I'm having such a massive file clean out today and I keep finding these long forgotten one-shots. This is a very brief glimpse at why Lily believed Remus betrayed the order. Of course it does have an AU streak (because Remus and Lily never existed as anything other than friends) but that's the wonder of fan fiction isn't it? In hindsight it's actually rather random but often my fingers act on their own accord (the image of my fingers wandering across the keyboard aimlessly without my hand behind them seems appropriate here) Enjoy it for its slight randomness anyway :)
She knows this is wrong. She knows it's very wrong and that if she had half a mind she would turn around and walk away and never ever come back…
But she doesn't have half a mind. And she can't walk away. And there are a lot of things she's not and she thinks that maybe she'd obsessed with being what she shouldn't be.
She knows it's a dangerous obsession too, but she can't help it because rebellion is so much more exciting than compliance.
He's her rebellion in a way. Six feet tall with dinner plate sized hands and an unattractiveness that speaks of attractiveness. He's contradiction on two legs and she loves it.
If anyone knows what it's like to be something that nobody else expects, it's him.
He's dangerous and she loves that too.
But most of all it's the fact that he can't have her. That's what gets her. He knows he can't and so things will never get serious. That's what she fears with James. James is so self assured that he knows she'd never reject him. He's right too, and that's what scares her.
But Remus is not self assured and thinks that she wouldn't dream of accepting him. Neigh, he's convinced she would never dream of accepting him.
And she likes that. She likes that he'll never ask because he thinks he already knows the answer.
That gives her freedom. A freedom to drive her car in the hot summer sun and soak up not having to be anything or do anything but what she wants. Because that's ultimately what every youth wants – to not do things because other people want them to.
She sings along to the tape in her player and she doesn't know why she's singing about a revolution on the street because the last thing she wants to do is start a revolution, but that's what she's singing.
And as she remembers Remus Lupin's arms around her she ignores the eerie irony of the situation and keeps driving, a much too eager smile playing on her lips.
She doesn't know when she stopped being apathetic enough to do this, but she is doing it vigorously with all her might.
She figures maybe it was when he told her that he couldn't do it anymore, that he couldn't stand sleeping with his best mate's girl.
She thinks he's a coward, and if he wanted to be free like her he wouldn't care what James said.
But she's known for a long time that Remus doesn't want what she wants.
She rebels against her own rebellion now, being as non apathetic as she can in her efforts to save the wizarding and non wizarding community from death.
She can't remember what she's rebelling against anymore.
At some point it just became one rebellion against another rebellion and she lost track of it all. She's actually not sure if what she's doing even counts as rebellion; she half heartedly hopes it does but knows somewhere deep down that it doesn't.
She hasn't talked to her original rebellion in a while. Hasn't had the heart. There's a lump in her throat every time she thinks about him – which seems to be quite often these days.
Maybe one day she will. Maybe one day she'll ask him if he's really betraying them all; maybe she'll ask instead of assuming.
She tried asking once, but he gave her this pained look (the same one he always uses when she goes to speak to him) and she closed her mouth before she even started her sentence.
She kind of understands why he's doing it.
Its because once you rebel you keep rebelling and rebelling until eventually you do something crazy or bad and it seems right because you put it down to plain old healthy rebellion.
And she thinks it would be hypocritical of her to blame him for that.
There's a batch of freshly made virtual cookies for those who review ;)