A/N: This is a response to a challenge I found a while ago, though I don't remember where. If it's yours, please contact me so I can give you credit.
-It may be HG/SS, HG/RL, HG/LM, or HG/SB
-Both parties must be 18 and over.
-Any and all categories are available to be used and/or abused.
-The following must be mentioned: turtle-print pajamas, hot pink lipstick, "Brownies. Now. No questions," and the use of a wooden spoon as a microphone.
-Somewhere in the story, there must be the key phrase: "I have made a mistake," a man sighs, "involving a student."
Please review and suggest a good song for Hermione and Severus to sing on karaoke night! I can't decide.
Enjoy! And yes, Severusian is a word… in my world at least!
"No, Albus. I refuse. In the name of Salazar Slytherin, I will not agree to this!"
"Come on, Severus. When you were a student, you used to love karaoke night. It's high time we brought it back again. You will be participating, right? You have such a wonderful baritone. We just need…"
Severus groaned and massaged his temples with his fingertips as the excited headmaster prattled on and on. His attention, however, snapped back to Dumbledore when he heard the words "Miss Granger" and "duet" in the same sentence.
"Merlin's balls, Albus! I am not winging a duet with Miss Granger!"
"I don't see the problem with that, Severus. You both have such lovely voices. It would be perfect!"
"How do you know Miss Granger can even sing?"
"A portrait told me. Apparently, she likes to practice in the Gryffindor common room when nobody's around. The Fat Lady couldn't stop gushing praise."
"Be that as it may, Albus. I still have no reason at all to sing, let alone sing with her, at your insane karaoke debacle! Have you asked her about it yet? I'm sure she wouldn't be very keen on sharing the stage with the bat of the dungeons."
"Way ahead of you Severus, as the Americans say. I already asked her."
"You what?!" Severus spluttered. "She agreed?!"
"Yes, she did, as a matter of fact. She was a bit reluctant at first, of course, about singing in front of her peers, but I finally convinced her that it would be perfect. I popped a memory of one of your performances from your student days in my pensieve and let her have a look, and she was very impressed."
With sarcasm dripping off of each syllable, Severus said, "How very flattering. The answer is still no."
Dumbledore shook his head and sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought. Time to bring out the big guns. Dumbledore chuckled to himself at this phrase. He had been watching way to many American muggle movies lately.
"Severus, my dear boy, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this. I would really enjoy a performance from you on karaoke night, but in the end it is ultimately your choice. Just be aware that I have kept that photo of you as a first year cuddling your pet puffskein. You remember, right? You had a collar on him with a tag that said Fluffy and everything. Now, if you decline to perform with Miss Granger, this picture just might unfortunately find its way into Mr. Potter's dormitory. Would you like a Hershey's Kiss? Delicious little American chocolatey things, they are."
For about thirty seconds, Severus was so angry he was at a loss for words as his normally ghostly complexion reddened. The silence did not last long, however.
"You what? You dirty, sneaky, conniving old bastard! I was in first year, for Merlin's sake! This is blackmail!"
"Blackmail is such a negative word, Severus. If we must call it something, let's use words like persuasion and a little nudge in the right direction. Now, I suggest you confer with Miss Granger and choose a song. Karaoke night is only three weeks away, you know! I have to practice my song too."
As Severus, still fuming, was getting up, Dumbledore began singing the first few lines from the chorus of "It's Okay to be Gay" by Tomboy. Severus shuddered and ran out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
A large crowd of Gryffindors clustered around the karaoke night poster in the common room, murmuring amongst themselves. Ron elbowed Harry.
"Oy, Harry, you going to sing something?"
"Ron, I'm famous enough without people laughing at my singing voice, or lack thereof!"
Ron chuckled and replied, "Yeah, you singing is probably as likely as Hermione getting up there."
Hermione turned on her heel to face Ron, fixing him with a Severusian glare. Obviously, judging by the look on Ron's face, she was not supposed to hear that, but when one remembers Ron's reputation as a master of subtlety and gentlemanly charm, it really is not that surprising.
"Just so you know, Ronald Weasley, my participation has been personally requested by the Headmaster himself, you pig-headed git!"
With Ron firmly told off, she rushed away to the girls' dormitory. Harry cast a disapproving glance toward his friend.
"Y'know, Ron, if I wasn't your best mate, I would definitely take her side right now. You have about as much skill with females as Grawp, and you aren't half as good looking."
There is only one word in the English language that could describe what Severus was doing in his chambers that evening, and that is sulking. He sat in an overstuffed emerald green armchair before a dying fire and tried in vain to distract himself from impending doom with one of his favorite books. The words kept fading more and more from his concentration as thoughts of his upcoming humiliation boiled in his mind.
Finally, he gave up the charade of reading and tossed the book aside in frustration. Unfortunately, it careened onto his side table, knocking his newly filled glass of firewhiskey over. He swore a blue streak, lamenting the lost alcohol even though, considering the fact that he had already downed five others in the past forty-five minutes, he really did not need it anyways.
"Stupid chit probably can't even carry a tune! Everyone knows that the Fat Lady is such a horrible singer that she thinks anything minutely better than nails on a chalkboard is pure talent! Albus was daft enough to believe her, too. All that girl probably does is prance around singing Spice Girls into a bloody wooden spoon!"
After ranting for another ten minutes or so and another generous shot of firewhiskey, Severus collapsed back into his chair and sighed. Fuzzy thoughts of Hermione and a wooden spoon and a very disturbing mental picture of Albus as the lead singer of Tomboy in the "It's Okay to be Gay" music video lazily circled around in his brain until he fell asleep just to escape from it all.
Severus awoke with a pounding headache, so, consequently, double advanced potions first thing that morning was even more unpleasant than usual, and, for the Gryffindors, that was saying something. It was a good thing Nevile was professor Sprout's assistant during the first class of the day, otherwise the poor boy would likely have had his seventh complete mental breakdown of his Howgwarts career. The only Hufflepuff in the class, however, came very close to having his first.
Hermione patted Ernie's shoulder comfortingly as they were packing up their ingredients and quietly advised him to stop by the Hospital Wing for a calming draught after class. She jumped as Severus addressed her.
"Miss Granger, if you would stay after class, I have a matter I need to discuss with you."
Ernie flashed Hermione a wince and a pitying look before rusing as fast as he could out of the door. Harry shot her a quizzical glance, but she mouthed "I'll tell you later." He shrugged and left.
Hermione cautiously walked up to Severus' desk, but before she could even get a word out, he spoke.
"We need to talk about how to avoid this ridiculous karaoke business."