CoffeeKris: Ok, so I know I said that if I got reviews for my other story that I might continue it…but I'm at a roadblock with it and don't know where to go. BUT this lil oneshot popped into my noodle after another writer said in her story she should make a fic about What Goblin Kings Don't Do. I can't remember who it was, but they get the credit for the idea. Anyway, here it is.

What CoffeeKrises Don't Do : Does not own Labyrinth or characters thereof.

In the 13th row from the floor, positioned exactly 4 books away from the right hand side of the middle window in the King's library there is a very important book. It isn't much to look at, it's made of worn leather, the pages are musty and it has no decoration save for the title. The book is exactly 40 thousand, 8 hundred, 1 day, 13 hours, 5 minutes and 8 seconds old. Though that has already changed but I digress. Inside of this book is an extensive list handed down throughout the generations, it's contents document the non-activities of each past ruler and update the non-activities of the current one. The title of the book is quite simply What Goblin Kings Don't Do.

It was originally a joke from a long forgotten nobleman to the first Goblin King (though the joke was not particularly well received and they say that if you should chance to walk past that particular nobleman's grave you can still smell the bog of eternal stench from his tomb).

At this moment it is 13 years, 5 months, 6 days, 1 hour, and 1 minute since Sarah Williams bested the Goblin King. Which would make it 2 years, 5 months, 6 days, 1 hour, since the re-introduction of the Goblin King into Sarah's life and the sub sequential courtship of the two; the story of which is held within the book on the 10th row from the floor, exactly 60 books away from the hinge side of the left door to the library. Sarah has in her hands at this moment, What Goblin Kings Don't Do, and it seems that she's finally come to the chapter of the current ruler.

Jareth yr Tylluan
Current Goblin King

Does not accept defeat gracefully.

Does not beg.

Does not cower.

Does not fumble, fall or act in an ungraceful manner.

Does not hide. ( He eludes)

Does not belch or exhibit flatulence.

Does not sweat. (He perspires)

Does not trip, tumble or stumble.

Does not cry.

Does not eat meat cakes.

Does not partake in Goblin Ale. (He did once and ended up flying into the castle turret)

Does not drink and fly. (see above for explanation)

By this point in the chapter, aforementioned King has entered the library and has raised an eyebrow at Sarah's muffled giggles.

"What are you reading that's so amusing, Sarah?" he asks. She looks over at him and raises the book so he can see the title. He reads it and rolls his eyes in irritation at the book's existence. Sarah glances at the last page as new words have just appeared.

Does not know how to get Sarah Williams away from the book in her hands.

She grins.

"Jareth, it says here that you don't belch or exhibit flatulence…but how is that possible? Every human does that."

"True Sarah, but I'm not human. I'm Fae."

Sarah looks down at the page again.

Does not tell Sarah Williams that's what the Bog of Eternal Stench is for.

"Ewww!" she says, wrinkling her nose. Jareth glares at her.

"My being Fae suddenly disgusts you?"

Sarah shakes her head and hands him the book, he reads the words and growls. As he does so, new words appear.

Does not like this book.

"Stupid bloody book!" he snaps. New words appear.

Does not care that inanimate objects cannot be stupid.

"Now really, that's just ridiculous." Jareth snarls at the book. New words.

Does not find this book amusing.

Does not understand the humour of this book.

Jareth lets out a cry of irritation and throws the book into the fireplace which is lit with a small comforting blaze and looks to Sarah who is giggling from his tirade.

"Would you care to accompany me for a walk in the gardens?" he asks. She nods and they leave. But if they had stayed they would've seen that the book in the fireplace is quite untouched by the flames and upon the last page are new words.

Does not know this book is fire proof.