As part of my award-winning (in my own mind, anyway) "17 Minutes" series, here is a parody of the Sweeney Todd movie! And, as people have told me, it's not the first Sweeney parody, just the first in this section, apparently. Though I've also seen the stage version of Sweeney Todd, I did a parody of the movie version, since during the entire film there were entire scenes that were just too easy to parody. So hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't even own one of Mrs. Lovett's meat pies (thank goodness).

Anthony: (singing) I'm surprisingly naïve for someone who's seen the entire world! I'm so glad to be home in spooky, fog-infested old London!

Sweeney Todd: (glowering at nothing in particular) Yeah, whoopee.

Anthony: (beaming) Oh Mr. Todd, aren't you glad to be home?

Sweeney: (sarcastic) Ecstatic. I just love being among all the oppressors and being one of the oppressed…

Anthony: (not listening) Me too!

Sweeney: (singing to the tune of "No Place Like London") The English judges are corrupted, they sent me to that place with the bloody kangaroos!

Anthony: I know, I helped rescue you from Australia somehow, remember?

Sweeney: No you didn't, I had to rescue myself. Now let me tell you a little story about the kind of crap that goes on in London: (sings) There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful! But some ugly judge had eyes, and her beauty he could spy, I might bake him into a pie…

Anthony: Well Mr. Todd, that's fantastic. I'm sure that story has nothing at all to do with your personal life! Have fun in Fleet Street now… as for me, I'm going to wander around aimlessly through the streets of London for half the movie! All's I need to do is find a song to sing while wandering… (leaves)

Sweeney: (stalking off in the direction of Fleet Street and muttering to himself) There's a hole in the world like a great black pit, and it's filled with people who are filled with… oh, you get it.


(Sweeney enters Mrs. Lovett's pie shop)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh my God! I thought you was a ghost!

Sweeney: Nah, I'm just really pale, that's all.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. Well, we serves all kinds here. Would you like a "meat" pie? (tantalizingly) It's fresh…

Sweeney: Sure! (takes bite)

Mrs. Lovett: Or maybe it was fresh two weeks ago…

Sweeney: (spits it out)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, I can't blame you. After all, I don't know a rolling pin from a razor! I've never been that good at baking, you see, so my pies suck.

Sweeney: I think you've gotten worse over the last fifteen years too. (wipes mouth with napkin)

Mrs. Lovett: Plus, I've had some trouble finding meat, so I'm just mixing dead flies with sewage for the filling… Would you like a drop of ale? (hands him a pint)

Sweeney: (scrutinizes pint) But… why is the rum gone?

Mrs. Lovett: … I don't really know what you mean…

Sweeney: Oh, that's okay. I think I'm getting my characters mixed up anyway. So, what's up with that empty shop upstairs?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, that. Well… (lowers voice unnecessarily) It's haunted.

Sweeney: Well, if it isn't already, it will be soon. (to himself) Mwahahahahahahaaaaaa.

Mrs. Lovett: See… (sings) There was this barber and his wife, and that barber was smooookin', let me tell ya, buddy! Anyway, he got kicked out of the country for some crackpot reason, and then this ugly crazy judge guy raped his wife…

Sweeney: Agh! (holds head in agony) That sucks!

Mrs. Lovett: I know, right? Wait… you're that hot barber! Benjamin Barker, wasn't it?

Sweeney: Well, technically, I guess… but "Benjamin Barker: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" isn't nearly as catchy a title, now is it?

Mrs. Lovett: Definitely not. Is that what brings you back to Fleet Street then?

Sweeney: Of course! I'm bound to act by the title of this musical… anyway. Where's Lucy, my wife who's much hotter than you?

Mrs. Lovett: (glowers) She poisoned herself… (shifty eyes) And then Snape – I mean the evil judge dude adopted your daughter Johanna, and is probably totally tormenting her too.

Sweeney: (holds head in agony again) Damn you for bringing me all this bad news!

Mrs. Lovett: Well, I know how to cheer you up… (gets dusty old box out of floorboards) I saved these for you so you can be a barber ag-

Sweeney: (interrupts gleefully) Mah HOMIEZ!!

Mrs. Lovett: … Excuse me?

Sweeney: (speaking to one of his razors) Oh little buddy! (caresses) There there, Jeremy, it's going to be all right… (holds close to ear) What's that? Tom's been bullying you? Well, we can't have that, can we, Tom? (waggles finger scoldingly at another razor)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh-kay! Well, Mr. Todd – see, notice how quickly I've adopted your new name? That proves how good of a friend I am to you too!

Sweeney: (strokes razors) Precioussss…

Mrs. Lovett: Well, then I'll just leave you to your fondling of your shiny objects that I could have sold but kept safe out of love for you! (stomps down stairs)

Sweeney: (holds Jeremy out) At last… the Black Pearl will be mine again! Savvy?

Jeremy: Wrong character!

Sweeney: (gazes down at his talking razor, surprised) Oh. Right. (creepily) Then I guess what I mean to say is that my arm is complete again!

Jeremy: Eh. Better.

(creepy organ interlude)


Anthony: I am so freakin' lost! I have the worst sense of direction of any sailor in the world!

Johanna: (singing to her birds) I don't know why you caged birds sing…

Green Finch and Linnet Bird: Why don't you let us out then?

Johanna: Because then you wouldn't be a metaphor for my sucky life!

Judge Turpin: (presses his eye to peephole in her wall) Heh, I'm such a pervy guardian…

Anthony: (gazing transfixed at Johanna and flinching at her high notes) Whoa! Check out the hot chick in the window singing to her birds! (grabs random beggar woman by the shoulders and shakes her) You don't happen to know that girl's name, do you?

Beggar Woman: I actually do, since I gave birth to her and all…

Anthony: (not paying much attention) Great! Who is she?

Beggar Woman: Johanna. (walks away muttering to herself)

Audience Who's Seen The Movie/Play More Than Once: Wow, Johanna's got some great genes in the mental illness department…

Anthony: (lovestruck) Johanna. (dreamily) Johanna. (sings) Johanna! I just met a girl named Johanna! And suddenly that name will never be the – (pauses, confused) Wait, wrong musical. (sings) I feeeeeeel youuuuuu, Johaaaaaaannaaaaaa…

Beadle: (flings open front door of judge's house) C'mere, stupid sailor boy.

Anthony: (cheerfully) Okay! (enters)

Judge Turpin: So… you were gandering at my ward, were you?

Anthony: (confused) Gandering?

Judge Turpin: (furiously) Yes, gandering!

Anthony: (still confused) I ain't no male goose, sir…

Judge Turpin: Stupid, "worldly" boy! I mean you were staring at Johanna through her window like some kinda pervert, weren't you?

Anthony: Pfft, no I wasn't… I don't even know who Johanna is!

Judge Turpin: But I clearly heard you singing her name at the top of your lungs!

Anthony: (under his breath) Damn…

Judge Turpin: You'd better never come back here, whelp. Cause if you do, I'll take a million billion points from Gryffindor!

Anthony: Huh?

Judge Turpin: I mean… I'll probably kill you. Yeah. Now Wormtail – I mean, Beadle! Take this boy to the back alley and beat him senseless!

Beadle: (hits Anthony twice) There, that's good enough… (slams door behind him)

Anthony: (gets up, undeterred) I'll steeeeeeeeal youuuuuuuuuu, Johannaaaaaaa…

Judge Turpin: (pokes head out door) I thought I told you to stop singing about my ward, boy!

Anthony: (runs away)


Mrs. Lovett: Mkay Mr. Todd, we need to go shopping for – hey, your last name's Todd! Like the German word for "death"!

Sweeney: (distracted by the beadle) That's great, Mrs. Whatever. Now excuse me while I inconspicuously murder the beadle in a crowd full of witnesses… (sneaks off)

Toby: (jumping in front of him) Don't you want to buy a bottle of unsuspicious fluids, sir?

Sweeney: (trying to duck around him) Not really…

Toby: But this stuff is great! It gave me fantastic yellow locks (gestures to wig) and it'll cure cancer!

Random Shopper: Sounds fantastic!

Toby: But that's not all! Pirelli's Miracle Elixir can do anything you want it to: open the eyes of the blind, turn water into wine… if you rub it in your skin, it makes you live forever! It could bring world peace! Drink it, and it'll make you sound smart!

George W. Bush: I'll take twenty!

Toby: You can walk through walls! And rule the world! You, sir… it'll keep your face from getting any uglier!

Beadle: Just in time!

Sweeney: Pfft. Stupid boy. Anyone with half a brain could see this is just human urine mixed with pixie dust.

Pirelli: (coming out from behind frilly curtain and talking in heavy Italian accent) Well screw you, I shaved a-the Pope!

Sweeney: Like I care. We're Anglicans here.

Pirelli: Oh. A-right. Well, I challenge a-you to a a-shave-off-a!

Sweeney: Me and Jeremy are going to kick your sorry fake Italian butt! (whips out razor from weird holster thing)

Pirelli: Where'd you get a holster for your a-razor?! A-whatever. (starts lathering customer) It takes real a-skill to be able to a-shave a-someone. Like, you a-have to be Italian to be a good barber. Everyone a-knows that. Plus it doesn't a-hurt to be able to form an a capella group with three other a-barbers. I sang a-soprano in our barbershop quartet, a-myself. Hey, check out a-my high notes! (sings insanely high for a man) A-laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

Sweeney: (cut cut cut swish swish) Done!

Pirelli: (stupidly) A-huh?

Beadle: Sweet job, Sweeney Todd! Someday I just may come be one of your customers, since you clearly give a good, quick shave without killing anybody. See ya soon! (skips away happily)

Sweeney: (steepling his fingers sinisterly) Eeeeexcellent… my plan is falling into place. Mwahahahahaha!!


(meanwhile, Anthony is stalking Johanna)

Anthony: (to himself) She's still sitting at her window, gazing dreamily into space. Oh look at that, she's wearing that low-cut whitish dress I love so much. She decided to wear those lace gloves today. See her hand rest upon her cheek… Oh that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek! …On her face, of course.

Johanna: (sighs dreamily) Sailor boy, sailor boy, wherefore art thou, sailor boy?

Anthony: (peeks out from behind weird gargoyle statue thing) Herefore I art!

Johanna: (jumps) Oh! You're here!

Anthony: I'm always here… in the morning when you wake up, before you put on your makeup… in the afternoon, when you gaze out dreamily into space and sing to your caged birds… at night, when you take off your –

Johanna: (interrupts) That's nice. Take this key to my room… you can visit me some day! Or some night.

Anthony: SCORE! (runs away) I feeeeeeeeeel youuuuuuuu, Johaaaaaaaaaannaaaa…

Johanna: (yelling after him) You're starting to make me want to swallow lye!


(the next day, Sweeney is precariously leaning out of his window, watching the streets)

Sweeney: Where the frick is that beadle?

Mrs. Lovett. My God, you're impatient. You've waited fifteen years, what's a few days?

Sweeney: Shut up wench!

(Mrs. Lovett scowls and slaps Sweeney across the face)

Sweeney: I'm not sure I deserved that… (menacing grin) Mrs. Lovett… how about a shave? As my own personal form of revenge for that slap?

Mrs. Lovett: No thanks… I'm going to get my lip waxed tomorrow anyway. (Sweeney looks weirded out) OMG look, it's that annoying Italian guy and his annoying little assistant!

Sweeney: Well, he'll have to do to slake my bloodlust. Here, I'll kill the Italian, you feed the kid meat pies until he gets deadly food poisoning; should only take a few bites for that to happen. Now BREAK! (Mrs. Lovett rolls her eyes and heads downstairs)

Pirelli: (entering) Ah, Mr. A-Sweeney.

Sweeney: That's Mr. Todd to you, buddy!

Pirelli: (suddenly British) Don't you mean Mr. Barker?

Sweeney: (blinks) Who the crap are you?

Pirelli: Well, I ain't no Italian!

Sweeney: No duh, Sherlock, everyone knows you're really from Kazakhstan. I mean, how do you know my real name?

Pirelli: I happened to work for you in the old days. Remember?

Sweeney: All I remember from the old days is like, pink jelly. And Lucy. And since you're neither…

Pirelli: Well, give me half your earnings, and maybe I won't rat you out.

Sweeney: Yeah, that might work… or I could just beat you into a bloody pulp!

(he does so)

Toby: (looking up at the ceiling in Mrs. Lovett's pie shop) Whoa crap, sounds like Signor Pirelli's getting the crap beaten out of him! If I let him get beat up, he might beat me up… better go! (gets up)

Mrs. Lovett: Er, wait! Wouldn't you rather have a nice, juicy meat pie?

Toby: If by "nice" and "juicy" you mean "moldy" and "vomit-inducing", then no.

Mrs. Lovett: (grasping at straws) How about some gin, then?

Toby: What, you don't have any rum?

Mrs. Lovett: No, the rum's always gone, thanks to Mr. T… (glances up at Sweeney's barber shop)

Pirelli: Urk… I'm still… urk… alive…

Sweeney: Not for long! (he slits Pirelli's throat)

Pirelli: (as Borat) This is not so nice! (dies)

Sweeney: (stuffs him in a conveniently-body-sized trunk)


(meanwhile, across town)

Judge Turpin: Hey Wormtail – I mean, Beadle, I think it's about time I got married.

Beadle: I'll say, you're practically as old as the earth…

Judge Turpin: I wanna marry Johanna! That's not creepy at all, right?

Beadle: Um, right. Hey, your face is disgusting. You need a shave! And I just happen to know an awesome dude who will give you a most triumphant shave without killing you!

Judge Turpin: How convenient!

Beadle: His name's Captain Jack Spar- I mean, Sweeney Todd.

Judge Turpin: (wary) You mean the demon barber of Fleet Street?

Beadle: He's not demonic. Yet.

Judge Turpin: Good call. Let's go!

(they skip off merrily to Fleet Steet)


Sweeney: (leaning out of window again) Whoa crap, it's the judge! About time! (cackles madly in the darkness) Mwahahahahaha!!!!

Judge Turpin: (entering) What's with all the maniacal laughter?

Sweeney: Um. Nothing. I'm certainly not about to kill you.

Judge Turpin: Oh, I knew that, silly goose. Hurry up, the ladies love a freshly-shaved judge!

Sweeney: And so do Mrs. Lovett's customers! (singing to razor) Now then, my friend, now to your purpose… (shouts suddenly) WE GOT THIS ONE, JEREMY!!

Judge Turpin: Uh, why are you singing creepily to your razor about murder?

Sweeney: Oh, no reason. So, aren't women great?

Judge Turpin: Yup. Especially my ward, Johanna. I'm going to marry her, you know.

Sweeney: Ew. Well, better you than –

Anthony: (bursts in) OMG Mr. Todd I'm going to kidnap Johanna and run away with her and the judge doesn't know and we're going to be so happy and have fifty children and –

Sweeney: Anthony! Screw! You!

Judge Turpin: Ugh! Sweeney Todd! You may not be a killer, but you conspire with weird sailors far too much for my liking! (storms away)

Anthony: That was weird. Anyway, I know I've never had a real conversation with Johanna, but today she dropped this key and maybe that means she wants to spend the rest of her life with –

Sweeney: GET THE FRICK OUT!!!!! (throws Anthony bodily out the door)

Mrs. Lovett: (comes up) What's all this rumpus?

Sweeney: PEOPLE SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Lovett: Yeah, we've established that already…

Sweeney: No, they seriously do! I didn't get to kill the judge and it's all yours and Anthony's fault and Jeremy'll never get another chance to slit his throat in this whole play…

Mrs. Lovett: Breathe Mr. Todd, you're starting to sound like Anthony. (Sweeney takes a deep breath and exhales) Now where's that wack Italian dude?

Sweeney: First off, he's a wack Kazakhstani dude. Second, he dead. Check out the trunk!

Mrs. Lovett: (opens the trunk) Whoa, you were right! He sure is some kind of dead!

Sweeney: Now I need to kill EVERYBODY! (sings) They all deserve to die! Even you, Mrs. Lovett, even I! But especially Anthony!!!!!! (kneels on the ground with a razor in each hand)

Mrs. Lovett: Uh oh, sounds like someone needs a hug. (holding out her arms) Hold me.

Sweeney: (looking at his hands full of razors) I can't.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, okay. Fair enough. So what do we do about the dead guy?

Sweeney: Ok, listen close. We wait until the dead of night…

Mrs. Lovett: Uh huh?

Sweeney: …when no one is watching us…

Mrs. Lovett: (excitedly) Go on!

Sweeney: …and we grab Pirelli's body…

Mrs. Lovett: (maniacally) Yes?! Yes?!

Sweeney: …and we bury it far away where no one will find it.

Mrs. Lovett: …Well, that would be the "smart thing" to do, I guess… but you know what would be really funny?

Sweeney: … If we dressed him in a lime green Speedo, then buried his body far away where no one will find it?

Mrs. Lovett: No, stupid, if we sold him as meat pies!

Sweeney: (considers, then gasps excitedly) Then I would be totally worthy of the title "Demon Barber of Fleet Street"!!

Mrs. Lovett: Exactly! And since you're so intent on going on a killing spree, I could totally change the recipe of my meat pies to incorporate human flesh! So that way, you're supposed to kill everyone to help my business!

Sweeney: Brilliant! (peering out the window) We could kill that priest!

Mrs. Lovett: (looking out with him) And that poet!

Sweeney: And that lawyer!

Mrs. Lovett: And that royal marine!

Sweeney: And that squire!

Mrs. Lovett: And that, um… (scans the street) …grocer!

(they continue naming potential victims for twelve solid hours)

Sweeney: (panting heavily) … Puns upon puns…

Mrs. Lovett: (out of breath) … upon puns upon puns upon puns…

(they both pass out from exhaustion)


Johanna: (singing as she packs) I feeeeeeeeeeel youuuuuuuuuuu, Aaaaaaaaaanthonyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…

Judge Turpin: (bursting into her room) That song doesn't work nearly as well, wench!

Johanna: God! A little privacy, please!

Judge Turpin: Pfft. You forfeited your right to privacy once I put that peephole in your wall.

Johanna: Wait, what?

Judge Turpin: You're crazy to think I'll let you run away with some retarded sailor! Wait. Crazy? Guess it's the asylum for you! Beadle – I mean, Wormtail – I mean Beadle! Take her away!

Johanna: (yelling as she's dragged away by her hair) Just don't squish my green finch and linnet bird!

Judge Turpin: (advancing menacingly on the cage) Well I think I will… (the cage is empty) You let them out of their cage, didn't you?!

Johanna: Well, they're metaphors for me, and if they were free, then I'd feel more optimistic that this thing was going to work.

Judge Turpin: Wow. You really are crazy.

Johanna: (proudly) It's in mah genes! (she gets dragged to the asylum)


Toby: Come on in, everybody, and eat Mrs. Lovett's new and improved meat pies!

Mrs. Lovett: They're definitely not your mysteriously-vanished friends and neighbors!

Customers: (gobbling pies) God that's good!

Toby: (looks up in suspicion at Sweeney's barber shop)

Sweeney: (while shaving customer) …and then he says to me, get this, he says, "Ugh! Sweeney Todd! You may not be a killer, but you conspire with weird sailors far too much for my liking!" And then he storms away, and locks my estranged daughter in an asylum! So now I've got to kill everyone by slitting their throats with my razor, Jeremy – say hi, Jeremy! – and dispose of the evidence in those pies they sell downstairs.

Customer: (taken aback) Wait, what…?

Sweeney: It's not my fault they cut out "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" from this movie; if you'd have heard it, maybe you'd have a clue! (slits customer's throat) Well, that was fun. Down the hatch with you!

Customer's Body: (slides down ramp to cellar)

Sweeney: (sighs contentedly) Aah, I never get tired of the sound of crunching skulls as they hit the cellar floor. It reminds me of Johanna... somehow. (gazes sadly out the window and sings) I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet, Johaaaaaa-

Anthony: (sprinting down the street and entering in a completely different key) I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, JOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Sweeney throws down his razor in a fit of rage)

Sweeney: (sticking his head out the window) ANTHONY! You ruined my song about Johanna!

Anthony: (gasps excitedly) You're obsessed with her too, Mr. Todd?!?

Sweeney: Well, it's perfectly ok for me! (aside) I'm her father… (grins) Hmm… that Anthony boy's been driving me crazy for far too long! (leans back out the window to Anthony, menacingly) Hey hoy sailor boy, how about a shave?

Anthony: No thanks. See, when I saw Johanna this one Tuesday, she kept pretending to look at this one giant bear gargoyle thing while stealing glances at me every 13.7 seconds, which I think was her way of telling me to grow a beard!

Sweeney: …That's the stupidest and craziest thing I've ever heard. Maybe you should go to the asylum with Johanna!

Anthony: (half-listening) Did you say Johanna?! Oh Mr. Todd, I miss her so… (sobs)

Sweeney: Oh shut up. You're not even really crying, you big faker.

Anthony: (gasps) Did you say wigmaker?! You think I should become a wigmaker's apprentice looking for yellow hair the color of Johanna's in all the asylums?!? Great idea, Mr. Todd!!!! (skips merrily down the street) I'll steeeeeeeeeeeal youuuuuuuuu, Johaaaaaaaaaaaannaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

Sweeney: Ugh. That boy… honestly…


(Mrs. Lovett, Toby, and Sweeney all take a random vacation to a pretty park)

Sweeney: (looks at his pale, pale skin in the brilliant sunshine, as washed out as a ghost) Mrs. Lovett, what on earth made you think we would fit into this happy picture?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, come on, Mr. T., don't you think this is fun?

Sweeney: No. (as Mr. T) I pity da fool who think dis is fun! (shakes head rapidly) Ugh. All these character breaks are giving me a headache.

Mrs. Lovett: I know, that last one wasn't even a Johnny Depp character! (singsong) I killed Sirius Black!!!

Sweeney: (perplexed) What?

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry. It's just that everyone keeps breaking character, and I felt left out, and the first Helena Bonham Carter character I could think of was Bellatrix Lestrange.

Toby: What about that girl in Fight Club –?

Mrs. Lovett: You, shut up. Hey, next weekend, instead of hanging out sketchily in the park, let's all move to the seaside! (singing dreamily) By the seaaaaaaaa…

Sweeney: (singing stony-faced) That's the worst idea I've ever hearrrrrrrrrrrd.

Mrs. Lovett: (not noticing his lack of enthusiasm) Maybe we could even get married! (eyes turn into cartoon hearts)

Sweeney: (alarmed) Hell no! Isn't being my partner in crime enough for you?

Mrs. Lovett: Hel-lo! I'm old and ugly, and Mr. Lovett's dead… I'm looking for my life partner, my one coquet, the answer to my love's duet!

James Marsden in a brief cameo: Hey, me too!

Sweeney: Yeah, keep dreaming, Mrs. Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: (cheerfully) Okay!

(they all enter a seaside dream sequence)

Sweeney: …So not what I meant!


(meanwhile, Anthony is carrying out his ill-conceived plan)

Anthony: (looking through the crazies in the asylum) Yellow hair, yellow hair, yellow hair, yellow hair… this would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND!

Johanna: Anthony? Is that you?

Anthony: (doesn't recognize her when she's not sitting in her window) …Yes…

Johanna: It's me, Johanna.

Anthony: Oh! Johanna! My love! I've been searching for you most diligently!

Johanna: No you haven't; yesterday you ran past here at least five times while singing my name at the top of your lungs –

Anthony: (lovestruck) Oh Johanna!

Johanna: (exasperated) Oh Anthony!

(they escape together)


Toby: Oh Mrs. Lovett, you're so darn good to me, rescuing me from that abusive Kazakhstani and giving me gin whenever I ask for some!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, you're welcome. It's part of what Mr. Todd calls "covering our tracks".

Toby: (singing seriously) I won't let anything happen to you. Even if Mr. Todd tries to throw you in the giant bake oven, I'll be there to stop him.

Mrs. Lovett: Don't be foolish, Toby. You can't take him; you're only, what, sixty pounds?

Toby: (proudly) Sixty-five, actually. All muscle. (flexes)

Mrs. Lovett: Well, you won't have to worry about Mr. Todd. He's a good guy, never does anything suspicious…

Toby: Then how come none of his customers ever come back down from his barber shop?

Mrs. Lovett: …Um. (inventing wildly) Well, Mr. T.'s got one staircase just for going up, and one even longer going down, you see.

Toby: (skeptical) And one more leading nowhere, just for show? He's not that rich of a man!

Mrs. Lovett: No, I guess not. Will you take a bribe to shut up? (hands him a shiny, shiny penny)

Toby: (gasps) This is the shiny, shiny penny Signor Pirelli used to carry around all the time! (tears up) It was his pride and joy…

Mrs. Lovett: Heh heh, no it's not! Mr. Todd gave me that penny for my birthday…

Toby: …which isn't for another two months!

Mrs. Lovett: (sighs) Toby, just… just go into the bakehouse, all right? (tantalizingly) You can have a pie…

Toby: SCORE! I get to eat this week! (sprints into bakehouse)

Mrs. Lovett: (locks him in)

Toby's Voice: (muffled through door) Um, hello? Let me out! There are bodies in here! And creepy crawly things! Ew! I just bit into someone's finger in a meat pie! What kind of crackhouse are you running?! When I get out of here, the FDA's going to be all over yo' ass!

Mrs. Lovett: Just shut up until I can get Mr. Todd in there to kill you – I mean, explain the situation to you!

Beadle: (shows up unexpectedly) Someone call the FDA?

Mrs. Lovett: Um. Right. How about a shave first? Can't inspect a chimney with stubble on your chin; what would all the hot female chimney sweeps think of you? (sends him up to Sweeney) Sucker.

(Sweeney kills Wormtail – I mean, the Beadle off-camera and goes to hunt for Toby in the sewers, even though he is clearly still in the bakehouse)

Anthony: (running into Sweeney's empty barber shop) Quick, Johanna, hide in this conveniently body-sized, bloodstained trunk! Mr. Todd will keep you safe.

Johanna: (dressed as a sailor) Pfft, yeah right. Isn't he like, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street?

Anthony: I don't know. All I've been doing for the past few months is singing your name through the streets; it's not like I've been talking to anybody about my old sailing buddy! Now, I'll be back soon with a coach, and then we can run away together and all our dreams will come true!

Johanna: I've never had dreams, only nightmares. And the funny thing is, you've been a key part in most of them…

Anthony: Sit tight, my sweet! (leaving and singing loudly) I feeeeeeeel youuuuuu, Johaaaaannaaaaaaa…

Johanna: (yelling after him) A bit more discretion, please! (closes herself in the trunk as she hears someone coming)

Beggar Woman: Holy crap, where's Wormtail – I mean, the Beadle?! He's like the other dozens of people who came up here and never left…

Sweeney: (returning) Dang it woman, what are you doing here?!?

Beggar Woman: Turning up tragically and unexpectedly. Hey, you look familiar… were we maybe married in another life, maybe had a daughter named Johanna before you were shipped off to –

Judge Turpin: (walking up the stairs) Dum de do de do…

Sweeney: Oh God, Snape's coming! He'll take points from Gryffindor if you don't shut up! (slits the woman's throat and drops her down the trapdoor)

Judge Turpin: (sporting a long Moses-type beard) So, I need a shave.

Sweeney: Hecks yeah you do! (sits him down)

Judge Turpin: It's weird: every barber within a twenty-mile radius of this shop has mysteriously vanished… except for you.

Sweeney: Huh. That is weird. Want to sing our duet about women again, just like old times?

Judge Turpin: Pfft. What old times? I only ever came here once…

Sweeney: (sinister) But you used to see me every day when you stalked my wife…

Judge Turpin: Huh? (looks carefully at him for the first time) Benjamin… Barker?

Sweeney: (yells) BENJAMIN BARKER!!! (starts stabbing Judge Turpin in the throat)

Blood: (spatters all over EVERYTHING disgustingly)

Judge Turpin: Urk… that's what I said!

Sweeney: Dang jugular keeps moving… hold still, I'm trying to kill you! (finally kills the judge)

Johanna: (poking her head out of the trunk) Holy crap! No wonder they call you the Demon Barber of –

Sweeney: Sweet, my fourth kill of the day! Jeremy's having a busy day today… (starts advancing on her menacingly)

Mrs. Lovett: (screaming offscreen) HOLY CRAP! DIE, DIE, DIE, BITCH, DIE!

Sweeney: (rolling eyes) Ugh. (to Johanna) Don't go anywhere, I'll be back soon and we'll finish our little chat. (goes down to bakehouse)

(downstairs, Mrs. Lovett is kicking the beggar woman – who's not dead yet – in the head repeatedly)

Mrs. Lovett: It's okay, Lucy, I'll take care of Mr. T. and Johanna for you…

Beggar Woman (Lucy): Urk… not my… urk… daughter, you bitch! (dies)

Sweeney: What the crap? That was my wife the whole time?

Mrs. Lovett: (caught) Well, yeah. I told you she was dead so I could have you all to myself, you see. (pouts in what she thinks is an innocent way) Are you mad at me?

Sweeney: (opening oven door) Oh, not at all. (dances happily around with her for a while, then throws her in) Well, that was easy. (goes back over to Lucy's body) Wait… after all this time, I killed my wife, the death of who was the reason I was killing people in the first place! (sits in silent agony over the IRONY)

Toby: (sneaking out of the sewer) Come out, come out, Jeremy! Come out, come out and play!

(he slits Sweeney's throat – without losing his mind like he did in the play – and the movie ends with a close-up of all the dead people (which is to say, everyone))

Tim Burton: Um… ta-da?

(in creepy letters like drippy blood) THE END