Title: Happy Holidaze!
Author: Amethyst Hunter
Word count: 650
Disclaimer: One of the bestest Christmas pressies of all time would be for me to own Akabane, lock, stock and scalpel…but it ain't gonna happen. At least not in this world. C'est la vie. (Translation: Me no own GB characters.)
Notes: Wrote this for Christmas '07, but haven't gotten around to posting it till now. There is no excuse for this. None. Enjoy the crack, mwaahahahaha!
Summary: Creative control goes to Ban's head, with predictably disastrous results.
"I wish Midou-kun would come up with something different to perform," Akabane Kuroudo sighed as he flicked a length of dark robe with the tip of his scythe. "Every year it's the same old things. For once I'd like him to let me audition for another part. I think I would make a good Bob Cratchett, don't you?"
Himiko scowled and fidgeted in her dress once more. "What are you complaining for? At least you get to play with sharp objects and scare people. I'm always stuck as a serving-wench!"
"And you're lucky you even got that," Ban told her rudely as he passed by, dragging a length of bandaging. "Need I remind you that wenches are supposed to fill out all of the bodice on their dresses?" He managed to dodge the blow Himiko aimed at him with the heel of her shoe, surreptitiously giving Hevn's overflowing cleavage a firm squeeze on his way.
"You think you have it bad," Kazuki hissed to Himiko, eyeing his and Hevn's matching dresses. "Why couldn't I have been one of the other ghosts?"
"Because we already had a Jacob Marley, and Needle-boy's the perfect stiff for that part," Ban answered.
"I hate to say it," Paul said from the midst of a herd of sheep that Shido was trying in vain to keep from eating a rack of costumes Sakura, Kazuki and Juubei had sewed specially for everyone's performances. "But Akabane's got a point. I'm sick of always playing the innkeeper who kicks everybody out because they can't afford to pay for lodging."
"But you're a natural!" Ban said as he worked on wrapping Makubex's leg in the bandages.
"I rehearse that enough in reality," Paul grumbled. "Find me something else to play, because I'm not doing it this year."
"Yes you are."
"And what makes you think that?"
"Because I just raised your pay," Ban answered smugly.
Paul sighed. "Lock the inn doors and call me Mr. Scrooge."
"That's my line," a considerably made-up Clayman said.
"I'm glad we're just elves," Shido muttered to Emishi and Natsumi. "At least all we have to do is stand in the background and look busy."
"Ya, but it's a total waste of my talent! I have a dramatic range that's just begging to shine!" Emishi declared with a stomp of his curly-toed boots.
"How come I always have to be Tiny Tim?" Makubex whined. "You'd think by now with the advent of technology, he'd have learned how to wire a prosthetic limb so he could walk straight instead of using an awkward cane all the time."
"We tried that already. It didn't work, remember?" Ban said, cinching the bandage in place. Louder, he said, "If anybody's thinking of getting me a Christmas present, I'd like for Takuma Fudou to get gift-wrapped in cement shoes and a water suit."
He clapped his hands, watching critically as a now white-bearded and red-suited Maguruma No-Brakes reluctantly climbed into a large sleigh. "Okay, people, curtain call! Take your places and let's rehearse this again. And Ginji," he barked at his partner, "for the last time, Rudolph's nose glows red, not blue! Get your lightning straight this time!"
"If you're having trouble making the nose turn red, I could help you with that, Ginji-kun," Akabane said sweetly.
"…thanks?" Ginji sputtered, turning a shade that probably wasn't in a reindeer's natural palette. He gasped as the back of his costume received a series of rapid jolts. "Uh, Madoka-chan?"
"By any chance, is, uh, your dog neutralized?"
"Oh! You mean neutered," she said, smiling. "No, I've never had Mozart fixed."
"How come you got the easy part?" Himiko griped at a smirking Kagami, who was resplendent in white.
"Because I have the diamond dust," Kagami replied smoothly, and blew a light handful of sparkling flakes at her. "After all, what would Frosty the Snowman be without his trusty snowfall?"
For anyone wondering, the GB crew's skit is based on a mesh of parts from A Christmas Carol, the Nativity, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and Frosty the Snowman. Their parts are:
Akabane: The Ghost of Christmas Future (aka DEATH, what a big surprise, lol)
Himiko, Hevn and Kazuki: Serving-wenches
Shido, Emishi and Natsumi: Elves
Gouzou Maguruma: Santa Claus (because who else drives the sleigh?)
Kyouji Kagami: Frosty the Snowman
Ginji, Madoka and Mozart the dog: Reindeer (with Ginji as Rudolph)
Paul: Innkeeper that sends Mary and Joseph to the manger
Makubex: Tiny Tim Cratchett
Juubei: Jacob Marley, Scrooge's former partner
Clayman: Ebenezer Scrooge