Last chapter! cue hysterical tears
Hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. There may be a sequel when I start to miss writing the characters of Julian and Noel, which will be in about a day, probably ) but I don't have a single idea of what a sequel would entail, so feel free to share your ideas.
I'm gonna go get some cake, and I don't own the Boosh.
However, I do own Noel and Julian, they're in my wardrobe, fighting over frozen peas.
Vince was starting to get worried. That was the third girl that had passed him now. Each time, they would be a teenage girl. Each time, they would have the same sort of fashion sense, with a massive fringe and lots of eyeliner. Each time, they would throw him looks like he was something they had just picked off their shoe. Vince couldn't understand it, he felt like the whole word was pissed off with him and he didn't even know why. Thankfully, none of the passers-by stopped to slap him this time.
The clouds overhead gave a menacing rumble, and Vince admitted to himself that he should probably make his way back to Noel's house and face the music. The problem was, he had no idea where he was. Endless corridors of roads and backstreets were laid out before him, and they all just looked like some repetitive grey wallpaper to him. The different houses merged into one concrete mess in front of his eyes. Vince shivered, he hadn't grabbed a jacket on the way out of the house, and it was hardly sunny. It was going to rain any second. He could feel it. Vince walked over to a nearby bus stop and sat on the cold steel bench, waiting for some clue as to what to do or where to go.
After a few minutes of sitting, the chill of the metal bench cutting into his legs, he heard someone shout his name from across the road and looked up from under his fringe. Howard? No, it wasn't Howard, it was Noel's friend Julian. Vince did feel a slight lifting in his stomach, he liked Julian well enough, he seemed to somehow be able to simultaneously understand Noel and Vince.
"Catching a bus?" Asked Julian, sitting himself on the bench beside Vince.
"Nah, I just couldn't find my way back," he mumbled in a horribly self-pitying way.
"I'll take you back...Noel's not so mad anymore...I think he's on the verge of understanding..."
"Unlike me," said Vince abruptly, raising his feet off the floor and tucking his knees to his chin. Julian sighed, he brought out the newspaper, having known he would have to explain the whole situation to an unfortunately oblivious Vince.
"Everyone thinks you are Noel, look, read the article!" He pressed the paper into Vince's hands.
Comedian and Mighty Boosh creator Noel Fielding has been dumped by his long term girlfriend after pictures emerged of him romping with another girl at a north London party. The pictures (below) show him getting to grips with a pretty brunette despite already being in a relationship with Robots in Disguise member Dee Plume. A source close to the singer said "Noel has been ignoring Dee's calls for the past few days, and these pictures are the first time she has seen him since last week. Understandably, she is very upset and this could well be the end of their relationship."
The Mighty Boosh's national tour starts later this year. Contact venues for tickets."
Reading the article through didn't relieve Vince's confusion. If anything, it intensified it. Why did it keep talking about the Boosh? Vince decided this wasn't the worst of his problems and he could ask about it later.
"But I still don't understand..." started Vince, handing Julian back the newspaper, "why can't he just tell his girlfriend and everyone that it was me and not him?"
Julian sighed, trying to think of a way to explain it. "Well...let me just say, you and Noel aren't just similar looking. You're identical, and that just doesn't happen here...people aren't just identical for no reason. If we try and tell people that it was someone else, they will never believe us. They'll think we're mad and we'll be a laughing stock."
"Well maybe I can tell them!" suggested Vince brightly, hoping he was being helpful for once.
"No, no, no!" insisted Julian, instantly imagining the chaos that would ensue if Vince went up to some journalists and announced that he was Vince Noir and Noel Fielding had nothing to do with any of this. They would think he was on drugs or just insane, and Noel would end up in some rehab clinic faster than Amy Winehouse could exit one. Julian scratched the back of his head, it practically ached from problem solving. His eyes fixed on a newsagents across the road. He tapped Vince's shoulder to get his attention. "I have an idea..."
- - -
A couple of hours later, Vince, Noel and Julian were sat around Noel's kitchen table, while Julian recounted the details of his master plan.
"...so I just say, give her the flowers and just pretend like you're Noel saying sorry-"
"-and she hit me!" Protested Vince, a bag of frozen peas held to his left eye, which was slowly turning blue and purple as more time passed.
"-yeah, and next thing I know, he's coming up to me practically crying-"
"-cause she hit me!"
"-yeah, but she took the flowers, so I reckon everything's alright-" Julian was interrupted once again by Vince's consistent complaining.
"Why didn't you tell me she would do that?" He whined, giving Julian's shirt sleeve a tug.
"Well...if I had of told you, you wouldn't have done it, would you?"
"Yeah, but I also wouldn't have come out of this with a black eye..."
Noel wasn't listening anymore. The two of them were bickering like Vince and the real Howard. He was swamped by such an immense feeling of relief that he had more or less blocked out the two of their twittering voices. It was ok. Everything was sorted out. He had been forgiven for whatever he was meant to have done, and he had also learnt that his girlfriend had a mean right hook, and it was best not to upset her again. If he could help it, that was.
"Oh my god, look at my eye!" Vince was examining his reflection in Noel's chrome toaster. It was true, it was already coming up an angry sort of green colour, and it was quite swollen. "I'll never go near another girl...she was enough to give anyone a phobia..."
"Hey!" Noel interrupted, "Watch your mouth...and here, have your peas back if it's that bad..." He picked up the bag of frozen peas and pressed it roughly against Vince's face, without too much caution in favour of his delicate condition.
"Ouchie!" Squealed Vince, "Don't do that...anyway, you should be thanking me, if it wasn't for me, you would be still be in a pickle!"
Noel raised an eyebrow, a smirk appearing on his face. "Ahem...if it wasn't for you, I would never have been in a pickle!"
"Children...children...calm down..." hushed Julian, ever the mediator. "I really think it's time that Vince was getting home, we should send him off before it gets dark."
The three of them grabbed their jackets and headed to the phone box for what would hopefully be the last time.
- - -
"You've definitely got your money?" Noel nagged for the millionth time. They were stood outside the phone box now, and Noel wanted to give Vince no excuse to come back. Sure, Vince wasn't a bad guy, but the past few days had been nothing but traumatic, and Noel wasn't dead keen to go through the same business again.
"Yeah, yeah, I've got it," Vince mumbled. He opened the phone box door and put a foot inside, but stopped for a second. "Oh, I wanted to say..." he paused to clear his throat before continuing, "...thanks...and sorry...both really. Thanks for having me..." He mumbled like a five year old thanking the mother of his other five year old friend after a particularly good birthday party. The kind with a bouncy castle and killer party bags.
Noel shook his head, but also grinned sheepishly. "It's not a problem. Don't know why you're thanking me though. I've not been my nicest over the past few days..."
"Nope," agreed Vince, with a cheeky grin that Noel had seen in the mirror every day since he could remember. "But I've still had a good time..."
"Well, thanks for saying that...now get lost," smiled Noel. Vince looked like he was about to turn round and leave for a second, then suddenly he spun round and threw his arms around Noel in an overly friendly hug. It reminded Noel of being licked on the face by a puppy. You don't really enjoy it, strictly speaking, but the mere image of the face-licking puppy is so darn cute that you let it carry on anyway. Anyway, Noel figured he owed Vince some sort of show of affection, to make up for any bitchyness that had gone on before.
After the hug had finished, Noel felt he should add his own apologies, but before he could properly gather his thoughts, with a wave of his hand and one of those cheeky grins, Vince had vanished from the phone box back to the Boosh.
Julian appeared round the corner, he had left to allow Vince and Noel to say their proper goodbyes, as hurried and awkward as they had been. Before they left, Noel pulled an old bike chain out of his bag and wrapped it twice around the phone box before adding a padlock to secure it. He tucked the key into his jacket pocket. Better to be safe than sorry, he smiled to himself.
"Come on, let's go back to yours, I long to just sit on your sofa and pass out..." Julian suggested.
"I second that," grinned Noel. "Plus...the public will still think I'm a cheating whore for a while, and I want to get away from all the dirty looks that I'm currently receiving." They hurried down the street away from a group of girls who had indeed been giving Noel looks like thunder. Speaking of thunder, the clouds gave a low growl and icy raindrops began scattering from the sky. Noel looked up at the sky from under the brim of his cowboy hat. It had a moody purple tint, it reminded Noel of the colour that Vince's black eye had been just before they had said goodbye. If he had to give it a name, it would definitely be Plush Velvet. He was sure he had seen it before somewhere...like a dream or something.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Asked Julian, as they turned the corner on to Noel's road.
"Just trying to remember something..." he mumbled, pulling his collar up to protect himself against the wind that came with the rain.
Julian smiled to himself, he felt the sudden need to wind his friend up about something that had happened at the party the night before. "Out of interest, do you remember anything from last night?"
Noel frowned, considering the question and the smirk that was apparent on Julian's face. "Um...up until about half way through...why?"
"Oh nothing," Julian's smile grew that little bit wider. "Nothing at all..."
"What? What is it?" Asked Noel anxiously. Clearly Julian knew something that he didn't.
"I said, it's nothing." But the smile remained. "It's just...I always knew you loved yourself...but you took it a step too far and in a very literal way, Noel."
Now he was worried. What was Julian talking about...oh god, what had he done? He began to try desperately to remember everything that had gone on that evening. Still, all he could picture was loud music and sitting in a circle at one point.
"Oh god, what did I do?" He asked desperately, grabbing Julian's sleeve as they approached his front door. Julian grinned, pulling Noel's hand from his arm. He didn't get a one up on his friend that often, but when he did, man it felt good. He decided to keep teasing for just another minute more.
"I mean, I know you're an open minded guy, but what you did...it was just weird..."
Noel stopped fumbling in his pocket for his keys after hearing Julian's comment. "What? What did I do!" He was becoming really desperate now, Julian could tell. His voice was growing higher and higher pitched, which was always a tell-tale sign.
"But you know, I think you did show Vince that you appreciated his presence at that party...and you definitely won that game of Dares..."
The penny dropped. Noel had a horribly vivid image of what he had done. "Oh no...I think I remember..."
Julian grinned. "It's not that bad, to everyone else it will have just looked I dared you to kiss one of the girls there...he'd taken the hat off by then..."
Noel doubled over from sheer disgust, supporting himself on his front door. It swung open by his weight and he staggered in. "Oh man no...but he's...ME!"
"It's not that bad..." Julian offered him mock comfort, barely holding in fits of laughter.
"I got off with myself! That is so many kinds of wrong!" Noel's voice cracked towards the end of the sentence, and he rushed up the stairs in the direction of the bathroom, flinging the door open rapidly.
"Where are you doing?" Julian called out after him, just managing to speak between uncontrollable fits of laugher. "Are you looking in the mirror and trying to recapture the beautiful moment between you and yourself?"
"Shut up!" Julian heard Noel shout, before hearing the sound of running water. "Forget crashing on the sofa...I have some serious teeth cleaning to do. Then...once I've done that, I am going to attempt to erase that imagine from my mind forever..."
"And then?" Julian shouted up the stairs.
"And then...I am actually going to kill you for making me do that horrible, horrible thing!"
Julian walked into the living room, still laughing. He lay down on Noel's sofa, exhausted from his hysterics, and studied a painting that was on the wall. It was Noel's own creation and one of his favourites. A silhouetted and slightly cartoony city against a deep purple sky. Julian thought to himself, if he had to give that colour purple a name...he would probably call it Plush Velvet.