So sad. So desperate. So passionate, star-crossed is this love. So ironic, so cruel and strange. So uncalled for, so secret and deceiving. So stealthy, so awkward and estranged. So unknown, so quiet and reserved is this love. A finger tip running down silk, a television screen frozen on mute, sincere tears of loss. Regrets, mistakes, memories and embarrassing stories. Horror films, dust, moths and bonfires. Ballet, doctors, lost ambitions, lost purity, lost immature ideals. So lost is this love. Woven around threads of lies stretching back and forward, left and right, lies spread everywhere, affecting everyone every day. Solitary, loneliness, oceans, ghosts, clocks, cabinets, bird-feeders, spectacles, mustaches, dollar bills, blood…
Boats, friendships, death, books and calendars. History, textbooks, computers, DNA and FBI agents. Shooting stars, useless wishes, selfish desires, bodies and skeletons. Beating hearts. Running minds.
"You know I am going to kill you." Raito told him, never looking his way.
The rain was pouring furiously around them, almost begging Raito to see the mistake he was making. Nature was simply not loud enough to reach his covered ears. The sky was a bleak grey and blue, the sky powdered with portentous charcoal clouds. L was crouched over, his lanky hands stuck in his jean pockets, his white shirt plastered to his thin physique.
"I do not know how, but for once…I do not care."
"What?" Raito asked with grief.
L's visage turned his way, his ivory, chaste eyes augmenting, valiant and pulsating with inspiration. The rain was running down his cheeks and Raito was concerned that perhaps there were tears he could not see. L's phantom face curved into a loving, virtuous smile as he explained,
"I love you. I do not know how or when or why, but rather than wanting to find those answers, I only want to love you, Light. That is all I need. You are the answer in the end."
Raito's eyes importuned passionately, "The answer? I-I am your adversary, L…I am…contemptuous, dangerous…why?"
"I do not…" L turned completely, walking towards Raito until they were only a foot apart, "I do not believe I chose to love you. It was perhaps just…"
"A happening upon fate?" Raito finished.
L nodded, his onyx, prodigious eyes flooded with languish, woe and desolation.
"I knew that you would kill me if you had my name. I told you my name because I love you, because I trust in you…because the beauty locked within you startled my soul, ignited my bones, shook my senses…forced and taught me what love was…that is why I told you my name. I thought that perhaps if
you knew it and you loved and trusted me you would not kill me. That is what every fool believes, though, and you know I am no fool."
"So why did you think that I would save you if you are not a fool?" Raito interrogated with belligerence in his tone.
"Because there is a difference between knowing and thinking. I do not trust you, so I knew you would not save me, but it was nice to think, to almost believe." L replied coolly.
"But you said you trusted in me."
"Trusting, believing in someone is very different from trusting or believing someone. I trusted in you, in your power, in your strength, in your light, in your pumping heart, I believed in all the words you said, I believed in the virility, the raw emotion and devotion within you…I trust in that, because it is nearly palpable, your lies, though, fall like autumn leafs around me…they mean nothing."
Raito bowed his head and covered his mouth with his hand as his lashes entwined, tears cascading down his face. L's pallid hand took hold of Raito's, making Raito return L's intent gaze…
"It is happening soon, isn't it?"
Raito gripped L's wrist and pulled him into a tight embrace, clasping to him firmly as he murmured beyond the music of the falling skies and tears, "I am sorry, Lawliet…I am so sorry…"
Raito's heart threatened to stop beating as he felt L's arms slowly crawl behind his back and hook onto his shoulders. Their pounding hearts were banging against each other, very clearly felt through their ribcages, their chest-plates, their shirts and layer of satin rain.
"At least…I was not hunting Kira forever, right? At least…at least I caught him in the end…"
Raito's grip grew tighter yet as a boisterous crash of thunder sounded and shook around them. Raito replied with a depressed smirk, "At least I didn't remain only a 'specimen' to you forever, right?"
"You are not…scared to touch me anymore, Light…"
Raito released a reluctant sob and replied, "N-no…no, I'm not scared anymore…"
"Are you going to be sad when I die, Light?"
"Oh, God," Raito cried as he practically dug his fingers through L's frail flesh, "Yes, Lawliet…I will be so, so sad, Lawliet…God, I will miss you, Lawliet…oh, God, I will be destroyed…"
"Do not be sad…after all…you are the only person I want to be happy, remember?" L recalled.
Raito simpered, "Yes, I remember…"
"Do you…do you remember when you said I was good-looking, Light?"
Raito felt L smile against the crook of his neck as he stated shyly, "That made me very happy."
Raito let escape another cry of despair, "I-I'm glad, Lawliet…"
"Do you know what also made me very happy?" L quizzed cutely.
"What is that?"
"I learned in the end," L paused to gulp a hot flood of tears, "what a true kiss was…"
Raito barely parted their bodies so that he could kiss L's soft, sweet lips again. Raito responded kindly, "Yes…I am happy I learned it too."
"Light…is your heart…breaking now?"
"Yes." Raito replied honestly.
"Does that mean…"
"Yes…you were my true love, Lawliet…all the others…they all meant nothing in the end…" Raito paused as he closed the space between them again, holding L tightly to him as he finished, "Compared to your alien beauty, to your honesty and hunger for justice and everything right, Lawliet…they were all nothing…you were everything in the end, Lawliet, everything I'd ever need, everything I'd ever want…you are everything in the end, Lawliet…everything."
"Ah-you are holding me very closely, Light…" L complained softly.
"I know…bare with me, please…I need this…"
"Alright then…can you…still honor me, Light, even while I am gone from you…will you still honor my memory, will you…will your protect me even while I am gone? Will you wish to…to kiss and embrace me while I am so far?" L begged, audible cries escaping him throughout his interrogation.
Raito told him with fluster spreading across his paled face, "Of course, Lawliet…I will honor you until the day I die and far, far beyond that…do you hear me? Do you understand me? I love you, Lawliet. I love you so deeply…"
L nodded against him, "My shoulder is beginning to hurt."
"I am sorry, Lawliet, but I need to hold you, I am sorry, but I am scared to let go…"
"No…it…it is not due to the pressure of your hold, Light…my muscles…something is happening to me, Light…my heart, Light…" L trailed off.
Raito tore away and watched in horror and affliction as L's hand rose to his shoulder, flinching in pain. L's eyes looked up to Raito's as he muttered nearly silently, "I am…dying, Light…"
They very slowly lowered to the concrete ground of the roof, L's thin body further watered down by the rivers running along the floor. Raito sat down beside L, as L requested,
"Tell me everything…"
"Everything? Can I confide in you, Lawliet…can I confide in you all that webs through my mind?"
"Y-yes." L replied.
Raito's tears were torrid, nearly searing his eyes and cheeks as he stammered in hysteria, "I love you, G-God, I love you, Lawliet, I love you and that's all I e-ever think about, you are everything, everyone, everywhere, you're every day and every hour and minute, every second and place and person, you're everything and I love you, I love you and that's all my mind can tell me…that's all my heart c-can tell me, Lawliet…it's all I know. Always you, you and you alone, always…"
"Afraid of losing you…"
L smiled, a mutiny shining in his eyes, "L-Light…you believe…you are a God…right?"
Raito prayed silently that their last conversation would not be concerning the fact that he is Kira…
"G-Good…" L began to close his eyes, and Raito's chest, eyes and soul, heart and ears overflowed with hopelessness as he cried out desperately,
"N-No! NO! No, Lawliet! No, don't go yet, please, please don't go…not yet, please, please stay with me a little longer, please, don't go, Lawliet, please stay, please, please…"
L gazed to Raito, the rain pouring down on them as L replied in barely a whisper, "I want to close my eyes, Light…"
"W-why?!" Raito pleaded.
"Because…then you…will be the first thing I see…" L replied as his eyes finally closed.
"God, I love you, Lawliet…" Raito admitted to the grim silence as he lowered his head, he faintly heard L reply,
"And I…believe you…"
Raito captured L's lips one final time, and when a few moments passed, he hesitantly broke away and looked to L's lifeless body, lying limp in the rivers of rain beneath and around him.
So alone. So dark and sad, so sole and mad. Dying to live, but living to die. Inspired, ensnared, captured and scared. Loving, lying, brave but faint-hearted, immoral, immortal and ominous. Evil, friendly, moving and deadly. Sharp, strong, daring and evolving. Constant, rocky, inconsistent like the sea. Beautiful, bloody, inky but clean, being and having been, beloved and breath-taking. What love is this, and what more truthful than this, this love and sacrifice in search of something real.
So what does it matter, if in the end he bloodied his hands, in the end he could not love the one he so loved more than anything true and solid. That is not the point, however, because ladies and gentlemen, the point is that he loved.
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