Chapter 10

The sun had barely rose and Lily was pushing them out of the Common Room despite Sirius' half hearted attempts at staying behind.

"You know as I well as I do that you have absolutely no intention of breaking up with Remus," Lily snarled, gripping Sirius' forearm and digging a wand into his back, "Now move."

When they finally arrived at the Hospital Wing, Lily gave the job of guarding Sirius to James who seemed to take great pleasure in digging a wand into Sirius' neck.

Lily knocked on the door and silenced the boys with a look, knowing that the results would more than likely be better if she spoke.

"Is it urgent? It's just I'm busy…" Madame Pomfrey shouted from somewhere on the other side of the door.

All the blood immediately left Sirius' face.

No… Remus… No…

"Erm, well we'd like to see Remus if we can, please?" Lily called back hesitantly.

The door was pushed open and Madame Pomfrey stood panting, blood spattered across her robes and face.

"Is - what - you - Is he alright?" James finally stuttered out, still taking in the appearance of the Medi-witch.

Madame Pomfrey suddenly looked extremely grave and Sirius' heart plummeted.

No… He can't… He wouldn't… No…

"No…" He barely whispered, causing Peter to shoot him a wary glance.

Madame Pomfrey's head suddenly snapped towards a curtained area and she turned ghostly white, "Be a dear and someone fetch Dumbledore, it's rather urgent," she said faintly and Lily wasted no time in nodding at James to go and pushing past Madame Pomfrey.

Peter followed her quickly but Sirius dawdled.

Did he really want to see what he'd caused…?

Heavy footfalls announced the arrival of the Headmaster and Sirius gulped, his face still ashen before James rushed past him without a second glance.

Now or never…

He could say goodbye at least…

"What is it Poppy?"

Sirius took a hesitant step towards the bed and immediately wished he hadn't.

He caught sight of a small form curled up; bruisesbloodcutsscratchesbanadgaesblood…

And he promptly threw up.

Feeling more sick with himself, he edged closer still, shaking and feeling faint.

"No…" He whispered again.

Peter made room for him and had to remind himself to breathe.




Taking a shuddering breath, he gripped Peter's shoulder tightly and found Lily on the other side of him, supporting him, holding him, comforting him…


Dumbledore and Pomfrey were deep in a hurried conversation, snatches of which kept floating over to him…



"… operation…"


"… broken bones…"

"…scarred skin…"

"… death."

'No…No…No…No…No…NO…NO…NO…NO! It was Remus, Remus who never gave up… Remus… gentle, loving Remus… Stubborn, brave Remus… NO…NO…NO… he wouldn't d-Sirius repeated over and over in his mind; something to put his focus on, something to distract him.

Lily was murmuring softly in his ear, vivid green eyes fixed upon broken, battered Remus…

Peter was watching everything with a horrified silence, his mouth open and his eyes blank… so much blood…

James was gripping an edge of a table tightly, knuckles white, body tense…

Madame Pomfrey began moving bandages around, showing the Headmaster the worse of the damage, disregarding the four students that were watching with increasing apprehension in favour of making sure her patient lived.

Sirius almost threw up again at the sight of the mangled skin.

"He'll be fine," Sirius said suddenly. His voice seemed small but strong and he repeated it again, force behind his words. "He'll be fine."

Professor Dumbledore turned to him, the piercing blue gaze unusually subdued, "We can only hope Mr Black."

Remus didn't even stir at the commotion around him, his transformations had finally taken a toll on his body.

Sirius found himself stepping forward, trying to ignore the blood, the poison, the hurt…

Taking a deep breath and suppressing the urge to retch, he took Remus' limp hand in his own, almost recoiling at the slimy, clammy skin beneath his hands.

"He'll fine; he's Remus. Remus is always fine," Sirius said yet again, sounding confident and bright. He looked up at the people staring at him as though he were mad. "It's Remus. He's probably just messing around; he's a Marauder after all." Sirius laughed slightly, a empty dry laugh that sounded dead even to his own ears.

Life without Remus…

He couldn't imagine it…

Biting down on his lip, he turned back to Remus and tried to smile. "He's Remus, he'll be fine…"

A hand on his shoulder…

He shrugged it off.

A hand on his arm…

He twisted away from it.

An arm around his waist…

He ignored it.

People spoke… people moved… people came… people went…

But nothing registered to Sirius, all that mattered was he was there, still holding Remus' hand, that's all that mattered, nothing else…

Remus would be fine… Remus was always fine… It was Remus…

"Come on Sirius, his parents are here." Sirius started, he didn't know he'd been stood for that long, staring, simply staring at his friend and willing him to wake up, clutching the his hand as though Sirius' very life depended on it.

"But I want to be here when he wakes," Sirius insisted.

The voice sighed, "Come on. His parent's want to be alone with him, they want to say a last g-g-good -" The voice broke off but Sirius didn't move, his gaze still fixed on Remus.

"I need to be here when he wakes up and need to tell him I'm sorry, that I love him," Sirius stated.

Two pairs of hands tugging at him…


Grips tightening…


Pulling him away…


"Sirius! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it right now! There's nothing they can do for him, we have to wait Sirius and let time do it's job!" The voice was hushed and shrill.

"I need to be there… he needs me… I need him…"

"Lily's right Sirius, stop it! Madame Pomfrey and Dumbledore have done all that they can; it's out of their hands now." This voice was patient yet weary.

Sirius scoffed, "What do they know? He's about to wake up and you know he loves to see us straight after a transformation…"

"He might not wake up." But it fell on deaf ears.

"We've got to go back -"

"Sirius why can't you understand!? He's dying! He's dying and his parents want one last chance to be with their son so can you please just respect that! We can go and see him afterwards." James finally snapped, pushing Sirius roughly down into a chair in the deserted Common Room.

"He's not dying… haven't we already established that? He's just pranking us James, I bet he is you know; the crafty bugger he is."

James sighed and put his head in his hands, speaking very slowly, "Listen to me Sirius; he might not wake up okay? This - this could've finally beaten him. He isn't pranking us, you know Remus doesn't agree with pranking -"

"Leave it James." Lily interrupted, knowing that Sirius was past panic, despair, hurt, denial, guilt… "He needs to come to terms with it by himself."

White noise.

Meaningless white noise.

Sirius didn't hear them, didn't know it was him they were talking about.

Didn't know. Didn't care.

Remus would be fine…

He sat for hours, hardly blinking, hardly breathing.

Remus would be fine…

He refused to talk, just nibbled his bottom lip.

Remus would be fine…

Night had fallen and the traitorous moon hung outside the window. Sirius turned away from it, casting one evil glare it's way.

Remus would be fine…

"Sirius… Sirius? Dumbledore wants to see us…"

To tell them that Remus was fine, that Remus was recovering, yes, yes that's why Dumbledore wanted to see them.

He trudged behind James, oblivious to the concerned glances, the sympathetic smiles.

"Mr Potter, Mr Black, Mr Pettigrew, Miss Evans." Dumbledore welcomed them to his study, his eyes dull.

"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked, standing in the middle of the office, looking around him. "I thought he'd be here, I thought that was why we came…"

Dumbledore shot a confused glance at James who just shrugged, looking bewildered.

"Remus is in the Hospital Wing with his parents Mr Black."

Sirius started towards the door, "Well come on then. We've got to go visit him…"

James groaned but it was Peter who guided Sirius into a chair, "Not just yet, he's just taking some potions and then we can."

"I don't quite know how to word this but I fear Mr Lupin may not survive though you already know this."

It sank in for three of them. Dumbledore saying it made it real. Made it hurt…

James nodded gravely, Lily whimpered, Peter stayed stock still and Sirius started humming.

Dumbledore gave him another concerned glance, "Is he alright?"

James almost laughed, "We think it's shock…"

"Understandable…" Dumbledore muttered before turning back to the others, "Remus may have to go into St Mungo's for a while."

James made a noise in the back of his throat and Lily gripped his wrist tightly.

Sirius checked his watch and got up impatiently, "We can't keep Remus waiting!"

Lily shared a look with James, "Sirius, Remus isn't going to wake up anytime soon. He's in a coma…"

Sirius snorted, "Yeah right. I bet this is part of the prank isn't it? You're going to make me think that he's really ill and then -"

"No Sirius. No." James had crossed the room and held Sirius at arm length, his eyes boring into Sirius. "No. Remus is very very ill. There's a good chance he's not going to come back -"

"You're wrong." Sirius insisted, holding back tears of the bitter truth. After all, there was no reason to cry…

"Sirius please… You're not making this easy. Remus is dying Sirius. Dying. Remember what that means? He's almost dead Sirius. Dead! Now will you please stop acting like a prick and just sit down."

"No. No! Because Remus is not almost d-d-d-d-" But the word caught in the back of his throat and he settled for tearing Dumbledore's door open and storming outside.

"Let him go James."





Cold, empty death…

Sirius sat upon the highest tower he could reach, looking at the ground below and wondering what would happen if he slipped that few inches and started to plummet…

He had transformed into Padfoot… Padfoot couldn't feel as much raw emotion… Couldn't understand much except death could happen…

He let Padfoot take over his mind, something he didn't do often.

He didn't want to think about it…

He didn't want to think…

He pressed himself closer to the edge, shaggy black fur seemed limp and coarse, his eyes were dull and his nose dry.

He didn't want to think…


"Why's he taking it so badly?" Dumbledore asked almost conversationally.

"Er - well - they had a bit of an argument last night and I think Sirius feels as though it's his fault," replied James.

"I don't think he's feeling at all actually," Lily added, "He's in shock and denial."

"Understandable really."

"Of course."


The ground seemed to be calling him…

If he just moved that bit further…


"Not to alarm anyone but - er - well Padfoot is on top of a tower, dangerously close to the edge…"


That extra couple of millimetres and he wouldn't be to blame anymore…

He wouldn't be…

He wouldn't exist…

He would simply become nothingness…


"Shit. Shit. Shit." James muttered as he ran up the stairs.


But what about Remus?

Remus was still hanging on by that thread…

That small, fine thread…

What would he think when he woke to find out Sirius was dead?

Because Remus was going to be perfectly fine, no doubt about it.

Would Remus even care…?


"Hurry up!" James wheezed over his shoulder. "He keeps edging closer -"


He turned back into Sirius.

He'd told Remus he would die as Sirius not as Padfoot after all.

But did he want to die?

Did he want to cease to exist?

Did he want to be smashed on the ground in tiny bits and pieces?

No… No… it would ruin his looks.


He needed something clean…

Avada Kedavra?

His mind supplied.

No, he replied, too dark magic.

Slit wrists?

Too much blood.

Gun shot?

Where would he get one of those…

Alcohol poisoning?

Too long.

Just poison?

Dark magic.


Too sharp.


Ooh… Now there's an idea!

Smiling slightly, Sirius stepped away from the edge and opened the door, deciding that he'd say goodbye to Remus first and ran smack bang into James.

"Padfoot! Thank-god - don't - do - it -" James panted, shaking Sirius.

"Pardon?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

"-Don't - throw - yourself - off - tower -" James panted again. "-I'm - not - picking - you - up -"

"I was going to see Remus …" Sirius replied, deciding that his suicide should maybe be held off.

He was quite happy alive…


They crept into the Hospital Wing, two shadows in the night.

Sirius was instantly at Remus' side, pushing brown hair away the smaller boy's face, letting his hand caress the slightly cold cheek.

"I'm so sorry Rem.. I never meant it… I love you too much to mean it… I'm sorry… I love you…" Sirius kept repeating over and over again, clutching Remus' hand tightly and biting back tears till his mouth was metallic and red with blood.

He stayed where he was for most of the night, climbing onto the bed next to Remus and holding the young werewolf to his chest, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay.

He could not make crying a habit…

"You'll be alright Rem…"

James tried to pry him away but Sirius just clung tightly to Remus, almost growling at James.

When the first signs of light began to creep into the ward, Sirius fell into an uneasy sleep, James already slumbering lightly in the chair.


" - are they -"

" - yes -"

" - how long ? -"

"- a while -"

Sirius blinked, smiling slightly when he felt the familiar warm weight of Remus next to him.

A smile that soon disappeared when everything came flooding back to him.

His surroundings began to kick in and he realised Mrs Lupin was stood watching him warmly, a handkerchief clapped to her mouth and her eyes red.

Sirius blinked slowly, trying to register why everyone was staring at him.

Then it clicked.

"Er - Remus is going to tell you this summer holiday," said Sirius.

Mrs Lupin patted him on the shoulder, "It's quite alright dear, I'm just glad he got to know love."

"Got?" Sirius blinked again. "Oh god! He's not - ?"

"No! No! Not yet anyway, but it won't be long apparently."

Sirius sat up, gazing down at Remus. Two long scratches now covered most of his face and Sirius winced when he saw them.

The wolf must've been so angry…


"We should've gone James!" Sirius was saying two days later, there had been no sign of improvement and only Sirius seemed to remain optimistic.

Sirius had also decided that he'd give Remus a week and then, if there was no sign of life, Sirius would take an overdose.

What was life without love?

What was love without life?

Life without Remus would be barely worth living…

"Are you mad Sirius?! You've seen what he's done to himself! He would've done that to us!"

"At least he would've stood a better chance. I would gladly -"

James sighed, "I know, I know. And believe me, I would give my life for the pair of you too but you know what Remus is like, if we'd gone and he was fine he would've killed us anyway. And I think there would be some very awkward questions too."

Sirius folded his arms, grumbling. "The last thing I ever said to him was that I wanted to break up though. God, I feel so bad about it now!"

James patted his arm, this was a conversation they'd repeated several times in the past couple of days and a conversation they would more than likely repeat again. "What are you going to do if he doesn't pull through? Find somebody else?"

Sirius laughed wildly, "But he will pull through!"

James rose an eyebrow but Sirius didn't reply just gulped noisily a few times.

"Have you even cried yet?"

Sirius looked at him oddly, "Black's don't cry." James just rose another eyebrow in reply. "No as a -matter-of-fact- because Remus is still alive and is going to get better."

James nodded sedately, "Look, before I forget Lily keeps telling me to do this so -" James took a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the fast few weeks, I'm sorry for the way I treated you and Remus. It's partly my fault Remus is in such a state as well…"

The dam within Sirius almost broke down at these words.

He sniffed once or twice, regained his composure and then replied, "Funny thing that James, Remus told me that you and I had to sort things out as sort of a l-l-last request."

James' eyes glistened momentarily, "Friends?" He asked, holding out his hand.

"Marauder's you mean." And they shook on it.

Another quarrel about to be layered by years of dust.


The end of the week was drawing to a close and not a day went by without Sirius glued to Remus' side.

"The wounds are fairly light for him," Madame Pomfrey had explained to him one day, deciding that if he wouldn't go to normal classes he could at least learn something, "but he got scratches in a lot of places he doesn't normally and the amount of wounds meant some of them sort of merged together and literally tore his skin to pieces.

He lost a lot of blood because of this and as the wounds were too large to heal completely, he kept loosing blood."

He had looked at her blankly and she'd smiled weakly.

"I've had to re-grow most of his bones, skin and blood. It's why he hasn't yet recovered and even then he might not recover at all."

He'd just nodded and tried to block out the pain.

Remus was going to get better…


It had reached the week after the Full Moon and Sirius had crept into the hospital wing one last time.

He was crouched over Remus, tears striking his eyes like sharp needles.

But he wouldn't give in to them.

"Goodbye Remus," he whispered, kissing Remus softly on the lips. "I love you Rem. And I'm sorry for what I'm said, I'm sorry for what I did. Sorry."

The words were pouring out of his mouth and he found he couldn't stop them.

"James and I have made up but it's not the same. We blame each other for what's happened to you, we blame each other for not stopping it, we blame each other… I should've never broke up with you and James should've just laughed the Lily thing off."

He smiled sadly.

"Too late now though. It's been a week and I - I just can't cope anymore, to put it plainly. I can't stand not having you around, I can't stand it Rem! I can't stand it! You promised you wouldn't leave me, but you have. You have… You have!"

He checked his watch.

"I can't take anymore so I'm here to say goodbye, like you did last week. You wanted us to stop you last week, I know you did. I hated you so much Rem for giving up so easily, I can understand, but still, Life isn't easy. Life isn't all sunshine and roses. Life isn't always perfect. But you cope. You just have to cope."

He sighed again, laughing slightly.

"God I sound like a hypocrite. But you do have a point, it sometimes gets too much, too far. And this, this is too far for me. I've been screaming for it to stop all week now and it hasn't happened yet."

He fingered the pills in his hand.

"I've wanted to hold you and tell you how much I love you all week, whilst you were conscious may I add but it hasn't happened. And I just, I just, I just can't take it anymore… I can't take it-"

Sirius' voice broke as the tears got even closer to the surface.

"I've been waiting for this all week, looking forward to the end of the torment. The way I see it , there's two options; either wait for you to get better (which is highly unlikely) or end it by ending my life. And I can't cope anymore, I just can't-" A sudden flashback of Remus saying the words to him and Sirius bit his lip, "I sound like you don't I? But it's too true… live and cope or die and forget? Dying seems appealing right now -"

He took a sip of the Firewhiskey.

"As you're always telling me, who wants to live forever anyway? So goodbye Remus, goodbye."

The tears had started now, just to say escaping.

He felt them trail his cheeks but he didn't try to stem them, this was goodbye after all…

He kissed Remus' feverish brow one last time before toasting an imaginary person and popping the pills into his mouth.

But a hand grabbed the bottle before he could swallow.

"Jesus Sirius, am I going to have to stop you doing something rash, hasty and something you'll definitely regret later every time I come back?"

"REMUS!" Sirius threw his arms around the werewolf, hastily jumping away when the werewolf winced. "How long have you been awake?"

"Ages. Madame Pomfrey said you'd more than likely pop by and it was the first time you'd actually left my side all week," Remus wheezed, coughing slightly. "And yes, you most definitely are the world's biggest hypocrite."

Sirius shifted sheepishly. (A/N Hehe… I love that.)

"And I should really be very annoyed with you," Remus started, trying to glare at Sirius, "but I was informed that you were the only one to not give up on me when the others did, despite the fact that you supposedly 'love' me, why didn't you give up? … Before now at least."

"Well… You're Remus -"

"Well done -"

"Shush you! You're Remus and Remus is always alright. Can't get rid of you in fact." His eyes had lit up, back to the bright silver they normally were and a bright happy grin covered his face.

"And by the way I don't always say who wants to live forever? It's a song you prat."

Sirius just smiled, "I'm just glad I haven't lost you." He kissed Remus softly, their lips barely touching, a brief thought floating to the top of his head. "Your mother knows about us by the way."

The little colour Remus had drained away, "H - how?"

"She found us in bed together." Sirius said impatiently.

Remus choked, "I've been unconscious all week! What the bloody hell have you been doing to me?!"

Sirius had the decency to blush, "I was just laid next to you," he mumbled.

Remus laughed slightly, his eyes catching the pills on the floor, "I haven't given up completely on life yet so you can't either. Deal?"

"Deal. And I do love you Rem and er - well, I don't want us to break up."

"Don't worry about it, emotions and all." Remus smiled sadly, suddenly noticing how tight his face was. "What's wrong with my face?"


"My face, it feels funny -"

Sirius kissed him quickly, effectively cutting him off. Remus could do without the self doubt that would no matter appear.

"I love you forever and always, yeah?"

Remus nodded. "What's happened to my face?" he repeated.

Sirius hesitated.

"You've got two scratches -"

"Oh god."

"But I still think you're beautiful …"


It was at least another week until Remus was discharged.

Sirius, overjoyed to have his boyfriend back, had completely forgotten any suicide attempts and in return, Remus just never mentioned them.

When Remus hobbled into the Common Room, Lily and James were smiling and Peter waved happily.

Remus hugged James and then Peter.

He then glanced at James, who nodded embarrassedly and then he hugged Lily with James' permission…

Settling down in front of the fire, he leant back against Sirius' chest, feeling the warmth seeping into him.

"Thanks for not going guys." Remus said at one point, "I hate to think what I would've done if you'd been there."

"No problems mate, what about this moon? Can we go then?"

Remus shuddered, "Please do."

Sirius smiled into Remus hair, kissing the back of the werewolf's neck lightly, "Love you."

Sirius would mutter it when ever he got the chance, liking the way the words sounded.

He sensed rather than saw Remus smile and grinned in return.

"I'm glad the Marauder's are back," Remus muttered starting the topic all of them had been dreading.

"We're the Marauder's. The Marauder's are here to stay." James cried forcefully, pumping his fist into the air. "The Marauder's, as you would say Remus, have got Staying Power!"


James caught sight of Lily watching him bemusedly, "Or should I say Marauder's and Lily?"

"Oh no," Sirius started, his eyes glinting, "We're just the Marauder's. Lily included."

Lily smiled in return.

Remus let his head fall back again Sirius' chest, pushing his face into Sirius' shirt and inhaling deeply.

Grinning slightly, his eyes drooped shut.

Staying Power.

He liked the sound of that…

Well… This is also Goodbye from me guys! (Unless you're reading RevengeGoneWrong that is) It's been fun to write this and believe it or not, Broken Dreams. started out as just a three part fiction that somehow became 10 chapters long.

Hope you've all enjoyed this as much as I have! This chapter has literally just been wrote so sorry about mistakes but I will go through and correct them all at some point after my exams this summer. This chapter is also one of the longest I've wrote unbelievably!

Staying Power is a very good Queen song btw (Just in case you can't tell, I'm going through a Queen 'phase' and have decided that Remus can too.)

I've also got to say that writing a chapter without Remus felt almost lonely…


And for one final time: Review xD

P.s Sometime in the future (more than likely next year) look out for a slash story called WPA by me. I'm deciding to give writing the story and then putting it up on a schedule a go but me an organisation don't mix as a rule so anything could happen.