Sweeney Todd (The musical not the movie version) in 15 Minutes

A/N: Dedicated to my friend Susie on her wondrous birthday. This is the original stuff here not the version in the movie. Several songs were left out. I did love the movie anyway! But those of you who've only seen the movie, here it is!

Prologue

Chorus: We're moody and dirty and we'll talk about the plot and the scary man who kills half of us! In case you didn't read the program, we're in London! This dude's name's Sweeney and he's really pissed off. This is all the exposition we're told to give! Hah!

Act One

Anthony: Well, I'm the cute tenor love interest but I've sailed everywhere. And I just happened to have picked up the main character so he can come back and kill everybody. Isn't that great?

Todd: There's no place like Home.. I mean London.. Oh shit, wrong musical. Get over it, kid. London sucks.

(They get to London, the place of exposition and flash backs and a random scary woman shows up)

Beggar Woman: Hey! Gimme money! I have no point to this plot! I swear! (Anthony gives her some money) Hey, thanks. I think I know you! But I might have just read the program for this show again.

Todd: Ok, that's weird. For one thing, I didn't even know this is a musical and she's got me scared for no particular reason. Go away, love interest boy! It's time for angst! I present you with a London is a piss hole rap. Oh, hey, it's my turn for exposition. There was some barber and he was married and things got really sucky when this judge came up and saw how hot she was. Well I don't know what happened after that but you'll get more exposition from my co-star later. Go away already tenor boy. I have more brooding to do.

Todd eventually finds his old place where happens to be his co-star working on nasty meat pies.

Mrs. Lovett: Hey, I'm finally in the show! Want some of this meat stuff? No, you don't, and it's nasty. You sure you don't want some? Oh you tried it. Have some ale. Oh well, I'm poor and all that. Meat's expensive. Remember this. It could be a plot point later on, I tell you!

Todd: Why don't you rent out that apartment upstairs anyway to get more money?

Lovett: Well, cause they say it's haunted. Because there was this dude called Barker and he got hauled off cause this judge liked his wife. Too bad the judge took advantage of her and all. Oh, what happened to her? Oh yeah, she killed herself with arsenic. Wasn't that nice for me to tell you that? And there's her kid named Johanna.

Todd: RAARGH! Tooo much exposition!

Lovett: So you ARE Barker! I knew it was too convenient for you to show up! I guess I'll show you upstairs. Oh, look, there's your old razors. Perfect timing for another song if I do say so myself.

Todd: So pretty! I have an unnatural attachment to you! I'll make symbolistic references to myself and to these abandoned razors too!

Lovett: I have absolutely no motivations to help you! But I like you of course. Even though you're a bit nuts. I suppose I should since I'm your co-star and all.

Todd: (the best line in the whole show) My right arm is complete again!

Later in the land of On the Street where you live resemblances

Johanna: Oh look birds! I think I'll sing symbolically like my Dad has a tendency to do! Teach me how to sing birds since my life sucks and I can't fly and all that jazz.

Anthony: (happens to see her thanks to the power of plot point and coincidences) Wow, Peru was pretty cool but she's so pretty. I think I like her more than naturally for the first time of seeing someone!

Beggar Woman: I swear I still have no purpose to the plot line! Hey, you gave me money last time. I want more! Oh, thanks.

Anthony: Hey, who's that chick over there?

Beggar Woman: I have no idea who she is honestly but that's the Judge's house. And that's Johanna. His ward. (runs off like a crazy person again)

Anthony: Johanna! On the street where you live! I mean..wait a minute…things that rhyme with feel!

Judge: Hey, beadle, I happened to step out and I saw a weird stalker boy. Go get him!

Beadle: (conveniently beats him up)Get out weirdo. Stay out of our plot line!

Anthony: I'll still steal you! Maybe because you have yellow hair! I'm artistic too! Look I make symbolic references too!

Later at a Marketplace where there happens to be more plot points and a fake Italian.

Toby: hey I'm a serving kid who's life really sucks but I'm a really good presenter! Want an elixir when you have bald problems? Have some of this! I have lots of fake hair! Yay me! Come on, everybody try it!

Lovett and Todd: Hey, this is piss!

Toby: Uuuh… who wants some? Samples are free!

Pirelli: Hey! Somebody's saying my elixir's piss though it really is!

Todd: Yeah, that would be me. I challenge you to a barber duel! With these razors against your 5 pounds.

Pirelli: Well, this is easy. I so accept! Stupid kid, go get my shit!

Todd: Hey Beadle, not that I have anything against you, will you judge it?

Beadle: My ego says I must!

Pirelli: Wow, I'm such a good barber I'm going to sing in my fake accent and everything while this annoying many over here stays silent and works his way faster than me! Somehow I'm reminded off that turtle and rabbit story. But that couldn't be too obvious, right?

Beadle: Oh, hey, Todd wins! Not that he looks familiar at all!

Pirelli: Shit. I guess I should go later to your barber place and reveal myself for who I really am. Seeing as that's the convenient thing to do and all.

Later in the Judge's fancy house of weird stalkeristic visions and references to Da Vinci's Code and that scary Albino.

Judge: Deliver me! I think dirty thoughts about my ward! Whose Daddy I sent off and mum I did naughty things too! Johanna, you're so hot! I mean deliver me! I mean you're sexy.. Oh forget this. Punishment is over rated.

Johanna: Oh hey Daddy.

Judge: Stay away from scary men. I mean men who aren't me. Got it?

Johanna: Uuuh …. Ok. You're scaring me.

Judge: P.S I love you and want to marry you!

Johanna: Oh shit!

Later in Lovett's pie shop of foreshadowing and plot points

Beggar Woman: I still have no significance to this plot I swear! Gimme your money, lady!

Lovett: I'll pretend like I really don't know who you are! No money for you! (kicks beggar woman out)

Todd: Yarrrgh! I'm tired of dramatic tension! I want that freakin' judge! That beadle said he'd come in a week! And for some reason I trust him even though he's completely untrustworthy!

Lovett: Whoa, dude, we're only in Act One. Take a chill pill.

Todd: I still want that judge! That's the only reason I have character development!

Lovett: Hey, I think we should have flowers in here.

Anthony: (bursts in) I'm back from my daily stalking routine! There's this hot chick she's named Johanna and she's in deep shit! I have to save her! Not that that's any coincidence that I met you or anything. When I rescue her, can she stay here? Pretty please? Cherry on top?

Todd: Yeah, whatever. I'm too busy brooding to care about your plot developments anyway.

Lovett: Wow, things looked up as soon as I sang you a calming song!

Anthony: Thanks! I'm going back to stalking now! (rushes out)

Pirelli: Hey, I'm here! Just thought I'd spoil your supposedly good mood with some character developments of my own! I'm not Italian! I'm Irish which doesn't matter as they both start with an I! Plus, I used to be your apprentice. Ain't that nice?

Todd: Egads, you can't know who I am! It's only Act one! (brutally murders)

Toby: Hey, I'm still here, taking up shot and stealing your woman. Even though I'm 10. Where's more gin? And where's my master?

Todd: Oh, well he's gone. Metaphorically of course.

Toby: Hey, where'd he go though?

Todd: Didn't say. Which is kind of the truth if you want to look at it that way and all.

Toby: I'm paranoid so I'll run off to find him!

Todd: Oh go downstairs and eat meat pies with my co-star. Maybe she'll persuade you with her cleavage to stay a while.

Toby: (steps away from chest where he's been sitting and dead master happens to be) Well, I am hungry and pretty abused and all. Sympathy works well with me.

Todd: Go get drunk.

Toby: Yay!

Lovett: Sure, I don't care about underage drinking. Besides it's London.

Later after an incredibly unfair court trial in which we find more reasons to hate Judge Turpin

Johanna: Oh shit, I'm getting married in the fastest non engagement ever! I think I'll kill myself and be overdramatic like my Daddy!

Anthony: Hey, stop with that suicide stuff. I'm trying to help you escape. Kiss me already!

Johanna: Ok!

Not soon after with Beadle and Judge after the same trial unaware of Johanna and Anthony:

Beadle: Conveniently, I've kept my promise for once! Maybe you should get a shave from our tragic hero!

Judge: Oh ok. Even though I know it's wrong I'll use that to sex up my ward!

Johanna: I'll marry you Sunday Anthony! Even though I'm not bothered by your stalker habits at all!

Anthony: Kiss me again!

Johanna: Ok!

Back in the meat pie shop of exposition and drunken 10 year olds

Lovett: Hey, maybe you should go away by now. Besides I'd like to keep SOME of my booze.

Judge: Wow, a barber shop. This doesn't look familiar at all!

Todd: Yay! The Beadle was actually trustworthy! Come on up, judge! I'm not excited for any reason whatsoever!

Judge: at the barber shop finally, still sensing nothing weird at all going on here) I want to be sexy! Can you make me sexy? I want to sex up my ward. Who happens to be your daughter!

Todd: Ok, I can do that.

Judge: Yay me!

Todd: So yeah, we'll talk about pretty women even though you're really making me mad here.

Judge: Pretty Women! That sounds like a good ballad!

Todd: (about to kill Judge when love interest comes bursting in)

Anthony: hey, I found her and I'm going to steal her away tonight and oh shit!(sees judge)

Judge: Oh look at that. The plots came together after all. You're in big trouble, kid, and I'm never coming back to this shop again! (runs out chasing after Anthony)

Lovett: Hey, what the hell's going on? I saw that stalker kid and I thought I'd come look and see what was wrong!

Todd: I almost killed him! No fair! This could have been the shortest musical ever and that stupid stalker boy ruined it! I hate London! Now I'm going to sing about them and say everybody needs to die! Therefore I practice on everyone until I find him again!

Lovett: yeah, that was weird. Calm down! There's a dead guy in here. Maybe we should do something about that.

Todd: Whatever I'll bury him somewhere.

Lovett: Naah, I have a better idea. Since I had that exposition song earlier I think we should make meat pies out of him! After all, he's got lots of meat!

Todd: That's great! Let's sing about cannibalism!

Act Two

Later in a nicer meat pie shop in which we discover that people don't know the pies are definitely people pies. And they aren't purple people eaters.

Toby: Hey, remember me guys? I'm working for these people now! Yay! Eat these really good pies which I don't know are filled with people either!

Lovett: Hey, kid, announce AND serve!

Toby: Ok! (running around like crazy)

Lovett: Throw that old woman out! I swear she really has no significance to this plot at all!

Toby: (shoves away old woman)

Customers: We want more! God, that's good! Hey look we made up the song title!

Lovett: We're out! I swear!

Todd: Hey, another customer for me!

Lovett: Only kidding! Hey, look, I saved up for a nice chair! Here it is!

Todd: Hey, that IS nice. But it'd be nicer if I used it to help the killing..I mean shaving easier. Let's come up with a signal. I pound the floor when I'm done and you come get the pie!

Lovett: Right then!

Customers: We're incredibly impatient and are turning into Americans by the second!

Lovett: (brings in last pie stuff) No more again!

Customer: Hey, I'd like a shave!

Lovett: Nevermind!

Todd in barber shop meanwhile tests out chair and has a sing along musing

Todd: Hey, I bet you're like your Mom, Johanna even though all I have is this overly used picture of you and her in it. And while I muse I'll practice this chair and kill some more idiots! Yay!

Anthony: Guess I'll be stalkeriffic again and sing along with you! I steal, I feel!

Beggar Woman: I'm the only one who realizes these people are weird but I'm crazy! Now isn't that ironic? Guess I'll have to tell the beadle and see if he'll actually take me seriously!

Anthony: Oh, hey, I think I found her at a crazy place! Open up crazy people!

Beadle: Hey, stop giving away our naughtiness! Don't make me beat you up again! (gets police to arrest Anthony who somehow escapes but that might be his love interest power kicking in.)

Lovett back in the not so crowded anymore meat pie shop where she's singing at a harmonium:

Lovett: Oh, look, it's so catchy! Hey, Mr. T, don't you want to know what I'd really like to do now that we have all this money from killing people and letting everybody else eat each other?

Todd: Whatever.

Lovett: Ok! I wanna go by the sea! And we can get married there and it'd be nice and you're not paying attention to me even though I'm obviously flirting with you!

Anthony: (storms in yet again as he has a habit of that lately) Hey! I found Johanna! Since you seem to care about that!

Todd: Really? No way!

Anthony: Yeah, the freaky man threw her in a nuthouse and I can't seem to find a way in.

Todd: Somehow I know about wig making and we will disguise you as a wigmaker! Isn't that convenient that they take hair from crazy people?

Later with Toby and Todd

Todd: Hey, kid, give Judge Turpin this incredibly obvious letter that gives me away. I want my kid back!

Toby: Uh ok. Should I go before or after the dramatic music cue?

Todd: NOW you idiot!

Much later in a more deserted meat pie shop of exposition and crazy beggar ladies

Toby: Guess we're sold out.

Lovett: That's nice. Look, I'm making you something cute and fuzzy!

Toby: Because I'm cute too? Yay! If it hadn't been for you, my life would suck even more.

Lovett: Aww, that's ok. I guess I must just be nice like that. Besides we needed another plot point, now didn't we?

Toby: Well, since you've been so nice to me I figure I should sing a ballad too since Josh Groban sings it all the time. Nothing's gonna harm you! Not while I'm around!

Lovett: That's nice dear. You're talking weird.

Toby: Seriously, nothing will harm you! Like some man! Hint hint!

Lovett: What? That's enough of that dangerous figuring things out on your own, Toby.

Toby: Demons are scary! Let's think of who might be a demon here!

Lovett: Uh, it's ok. I'll protect you too! Stop figuring things out already! Oh, look, I'll give myself away and give you some money from your original dead master's purse.

Toby: Oh noes! I recognize that money and being paranoid as I am I'll speculate that that's Perelli's purse!

Lovett: Hahaha…uuuh no. Right, absolutely not. Coincidence. Hey, wanna fix some meat pies? I'll show you how!

Toby: Yay!

Lovett: Three times, grind it. There's an oven and all that stuff. Got it?

Toby: Three times! Smoothly! I like that word smoothly so I'll say it over and over again for dramatic effect!

Lovett: Uuh.. Yeah that's good. You do that grinding thing and eat as many pies as you like. Bye! (locks him in)

Beadle: (visits again, playing harmonium) Wow, bet you didn't know I could sing since I'm in a musical and all that!

Lovett: Don't you sound nice. What did you want?"

Beadle: Health inspection. Apparently people say your place stinks. I'll need to see your bakehouse.

Lovett: Uuuh, it's locked! Mr. Todd has the key! Yeah! Guess you'll have to come back later!

Beadle: Too bad about that. Maybe I can wait for him!

Lovett: Oh..shit.

Beadle: (fascinated by instrument, still playing like nothing is wrong and conveniently we have Lovett and Toby singing the same thing)

Toby: Well, look at that. I think I've found a weird looking fingernail here. A fingernail? What? This isn't Wendy's! And a hair..and a…ewwww! Look, a dead body! I think I'm figuring things out completely and it's disgusting!

Todd: (accepts the beadle for a shave, ends up killing him) Oh, look at that. Beadle on the menu.

Lovett: The boy knows you're the tragic hero type! We're doomed! I locked him in the bake house where he can really figure out what we've been up to! Oops.. I guess that wasn't smart.

Later in the palace of crazies and wonderfully disguised wig makers:

Fogg: Guess you've come to get my kid's hair and all that. Be my guest. I've conveniently sorted them in rooms according to hair color! Isn't that smart of me?

Anthony: Yes, lovely. Children? Wow, you've got issues.

Fogg: Oh yeah, you wanted a blond right? This one needs a lesson! She keeps singing like it's a musical or something!

Johanna: Anthony! I'll give you away completely!

Anthony: Well, that's that. (takes out pistol) Get off my woman!

Fogg: Oh shit! (still trying to cut her hair anyway)

Anthony: Oh hell, since I don't feel like shooting you really I'll let you get attacked by crazies!

Crazies: Weeeee! Fogg's on the menu!

Meanwhile back in the ranch..I mean sewers

Lovett: Hey, Toby, I'm singing our Josh Groban lullaby so you can come out already! Nothing's gonna harm you!

Todd: Just kidding about that part.

Beggar woman: (goes up to the barber shop) Hey, this place is evil looking too! Wonder why it looks familiar. That creepy Beadle man isn't anywhere either. This isn't good.

And in the convenient parlor, a disguised Johanna and Anthony arrive dramatically as usual

Johanna: Hey, nobody's here.

Anthony: well, that's weird. I guess it'll be ironic in a moment or so.

Johanna: But I'll be discovered!

Anthony: Except for your obviously womanly voice you'll never get caught! I'll be right back!

Beggar Woman: Hey, where's that Beadle?

Johanna: Oh no! Someone's coming again!

Beggar Woman: Beadle..that's a catchy name. Think I'll sing about it.

Todd: Hey, scary woman with no significance to this plot whatsoever! Get outta my hell hole!

Beggar Woman: Lovett's a scary devil woman! Devil devil! Don't I know you?

Todd: Yeah, I don't care. (dramatic ironic kill)

Judge: Hey, I know you're hiding my underaged ward! Where is she?

Todd: Oh, that's ok. She's confessing somewhere. Not that I care at all. Don't you want a shave?

Judge: Oh, what the hell. I think I will. And we can reprise that song we did before! Pretty women! All that jazz!

Todd: Hey guess what! While we're getting to a dramatic climax of the song I'm revealing myself as a pissed off Benjamin Barker! Grr!

Judge: Oh shit!

Todd: (stabs many many times)Ok, I'm good now. No more meat pies for me.

Johanna: Holy…

Todd: Hey, some dude who's obviously a woman is in my chest! Get outta there!

Johanna: Whaa? I just wanted a shave! Even though I'm completely smooth!

Todd: Don't say a word!

Johanna: Uh ok..(runs the hell away)

Lovett meanwhile in the hellish looking bake house

Lovett: I scream to inadvertently save Johanna! Get off me Judge! Die already! Stay away from the plot point! I mean..oh shit..(trying to get rid of beggar woman)

Todd: What? Oh, I think I'll finally take a closer look at her. Oh shit, it's Lucy! And I killed her and you knew who she was! I'm so angry I'm going to waltz you to death!

Lovett: What the? AAAAAAAAAHH!!(is thrown into the stove which just so happens to be open)

Todd: Well, this is morbid but I'm going to hug you, Lucy and have a nice reprise here. Barber and his wife!

Toby: (comes out from the cellar) Heeey…you killed that person too! I knew you were the tragic hero type all along! But not so much hero! I keel you! (slices Todd with his own razor for added irony) See? I have irony too.

Johanna and Anthony arriving: Oh shit!

Epilogue

Chorus: In case you didn't know, there was a scary man who used to be innocent. And well the moral of the story is revenge isn't everything. But it DOES make a mean musical and we had fun with Tim Burton! Yay!

THE END