Title: Dirty Pictures
Summary: He'll help just a little, he supposes. Just to get her out of his system…er…hair. J/H
Author's Note: I am ridiculously sorry for how long this has taken. I've been busy with school and just not that inspired, but don't worry cause I've totally got this worked out now and I'm back on track. Also, I've gone back and changed the tense in the first part to past because the present thing just wasn't working with this story. This is a comedy/romance, not angsty introspection on the part of Hyde. The initial chapter was mainly set up for what will be a much more dialogue-based story in the future. I hope the tense change makes that clear.
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with That 70's Show, the Ice Capades, or records that are basically heavy metal with chicks screaming in the background.
"And then, during the intermission, Fez said he was going to go get popcorn, and he was taking forever, and I was getting worried that he was going to miss the start of the second half when suddenly, I looked out onto the ice, and there he was, skating across the rink holding a huge sign that said, "I love you, Jackie!" and, oh my God, it was so romantic! You all should have been there!" Jackie paused in her monologue to stare dreamily out at her audience, all of whom were staring at her with varying degrees of disgust on their faces.
"Wow, Jackie," said Donna, smiling somewhat ironically. "That's really something."
"Yeah, something only a freaking pansy would do," called Kelso. "Burn!"
"How pathetic," Eric agreed, before turning to Fez and whispering loudly, "Very impressive, my friend, I'm taking notes."
"What can I say?" asked Fez. "She is my lady and I aim to please."
"Oh Fezzie," sighed Jackie, clutching his arm. "You're such a dreamboat."
Hyde couldn't help himself. He scoffed.
"Oh, did you have something to add, Hyde?" asked Jackie, her eyes narrowing as they landed on him.
Hyde fought the urge to tell her the truth, that it was all his idea, and that Fez was more akin to a broken down canoe than a dreamboat.
"Nothing," he said finally.
"Yeah, I didn't think so," Jackie spat back before settling back into her place at Fez's side.
"So Kelso," said Donna after a moment of awkward silence. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I came back for you, Big Red," he said, playfully swinging his arm over her shoulders.
"Brooke kicked you out, didn't she?"
"Whatever, Hyde!" Kelso exclaimed, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff. "You don't know anything."
"Man, I still can't believe she got with you in the first place, let alone let you move in with her," marveled Hyde.
"What can I say? Molly Hatchet does things to that woman," said Kelso, smirking.
"Ugh, the testosterone in here is choking me," said Jackie, standing up. "I'm leaving."
"Coming, Jackie," said Donna, sighing as she followed the shorter girl from the room.
"Ah, alone at last," sighed Kelso, sitting back on the couch and folding his hands behind his head.
"So do you guys want to..."
"Jackie will not do it with me!"
Hyde, Eric, and Kelso slowly turned to stare at their agitated foreign friend.
"What do you mean?" asked Hyde. "You mean after last night, with the ice capades, you two didn't...?"
"I got nothing!" cried Fez. "Well, I did get a peek at her in the shower, but it doesn't count if she doesn't know about it!"
"Wow..." said Hyde, "Man, that..."
"Don't worry about it, Fez," Kelso patted his friend's back comfortingly. "Jackie's legs are like a steel trap. They take a lot of presents and favors to open."
"How is that like a steel trap, Kelso?" asked Eric, looking baffled.
Fez and Kelso exchanged exasperated looks.
"Anyway, like I was saying," said Kelso, "you gotta be smooth, man. You can't just be like, 'let's do it' with Jackie. You gotta trick her into it and then hope that she doesn't figure out what's happening until it's too late. Right, Hyde?"
Hyde simply stared ahead.
"Whatever, man," said Kelso before turning to Fez. "Let's go! I wanna get my experiment all set up on Jackie's bed before she gets back to your place and stops me."
"Oooh, I cannot wait!" cried Fez, clapping his hands together.
"What are you guys talking about?" asked Eric suspiciously.
"Well, let's just say that, after tomorrow, Buzz Armstrong won't be the best looking guy to have gone into outer space and met the aliens anymore…" said Kelso, trailing off with a smirk.
"How cryptic," said Eric dryly before pulling a football helmet out from behind him and tossing it to Kelso.
"Oh, good call, man!" exclaimed Kelso. "I was counting on my hair to protect my head but this will look a little sweeter in the pictures."
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking," replied Eric.
Kelso grinned happily for a second before motioning to Fez. The two skedaddled out the door and up the stairs, whispering feverishly.
"So Hyde, you were pretty quiet throughout that scholarly conversation," said Eric almost as soon as the door shut. "Almost... too quiet."
Hyde only grunted in response.
"It's strange, really," said Eric, popping up off the couch and beginning to pace. "I never though about it much before, but you always kept pretty silent about that part of your relationship with Jackie. When she was with Kelso, all we ever heard was him whining about how she hated sex and what a frigid..."
"Alright, man, lay off her," Hyde interjected at this point.
"Cool it, Casanova," said Eric, "I was just repeating what I heard. I have no... experience with," he paused to shudder at this point,"...Jackie... in that department. I hope you appreciate how difficult it was for me to even mention the notion of doing THAT holiest of all things with the devil. But to get back to my point, why haven't I ever heard one little peep of complaint out of you? That seems weird to me."
"Oh, that seems weird to you? Unlike a twenty year old guy who still gets bedtime stories read to him by his mommy?" Hyde asked mockingly.
"First of all, it was a Star Wars novel, and second, she's really good at doing the voices!" Eric defended himself. "But don't try to change the subject, sly. Tell me about sex with Jackie!"
"There's nothing to tell, man," said Hyde. "It was what it was."
"Fine," said Hyde. Then he swallowed. "You know... good, or whatever."
"For you or for her?" asked Eric.
"Well, let me put it this way," said Hyde, smirking a bit. "Remember that record I got that summer Donna went to California that your parents hated so much?"
"That one that was basically super loud metal with the occasional girl screaming in the background? God, that sucked. I'm glad you got rid of it."
"Let's just say, there was no girl screaming on the record," said Hyde, leaning back into his chair.
"But that screaming was... I mean, it was..." Eric looked flabbergasted.
Hyde just nodded.
"Yeah, I gotcha," said Eric, leaning back in his seat and grinning a little. "I read you loud and clear, captain. Fez doesn't stand a chance."