Author's Note: This is a, hopefully, sad little fic that I put together concerning Kagome and Inuyasha. I really hope that you enjoy the angsty-goodness I was hoping to portray through this piece. And the ending is a bit of a shocker, so I hope you enjoy that part, as well! This was meant to stand alone as a one-shot, though I'm sure that a continuation could be arranged if you find that you enjoyed this piece.
Dedication: Also, I wanted to dedicate this one to Little Suteinu, an author whose own work I respect so much. I am truly honored that she has read so many of my stories, always sending such kind reviews, and often multiple reviews. I just wanted to thank her for all of the support and encouragement she's sent my way with this modest little piece.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, though I find myself constantly wishing that I did.
For the Moments I Feel Faint
He slid open the sliding door to see her shivering in the cold spring rain. Her hair was sticking to her face and the light touch of mascara at her eyes was running in streaks down her porcelain cheeks. Either it ran from the rain or from tears; he would never know.
Because of the rain, he had managed a day all to himself. There wasn't much firewood that he cared to gather or many animals he wished to hunt in this rain. It wasn't quite typical of the late spring; it was cold and rather unforgiving. To be most perfectly honest, Inuyasha had been happy to stay by the relative warmth of his fire and detest the solitude that had come to define his daily life.
He had been considering sleep before he'd heard her footsteps on the hardwood floors that surrounded his little bungalow in the forest. There wasn't much in the world that he found to be more relaxing than the sound of rain splattering against fresh leaves.
But sleep was the last thing on her mind as she stood outside the door, trying her best to huddle closer to the warmth that radiated from inside. It had been quite a journey to make it all the way here by herself without having been detected. She'd had to weave a rather elaborate web of lies to steal away this time with him. But Kagome wasn't ashamed of herself and she didn't regret anything that she had needed to say or do to get away for an afternoon.
She wasn't thinking about what the punishments might be for her actions if she should be discovered, either. All she could think about as she stood just barely under the overhanging roof of his home, letting the rain wash over her tired body, was of how good the warmth of his arms would be.
"You're early, Kagome," his voice was hard; sarcastic. He hadn't been expecting her. And since it wasn't the welcome that she had been expecting, she began to feel slightly ashamed of herself for having come at all.
She could feel herself blushing under his intense gaze like the young girl she had been when they had first met. He wasn't undressing her with his eyes, as he usually did; he was fucking her with them.
"I suppose I travel more quickly in the rain," she let her voice trail off, pausing for a moment to let herself take everything about him in. When she finally spoke, her voice was somewhere between desperate and demanding, "Aren't you going to let me inside, Inuyasha?"
He didn't answer, but moved aside to let her pass through the doorway. She took a deep breath, stepping inside while sliding the door closed behind her in one fluid motion. Kagome could still feel his eyes on her; studying her every move. And she relished in his attention; even begged for it.
"I'm not expected back for the rest of the day," her eyes met his, flashing a confidence that she had yet to show him since her arrival.
Inuyasha let out a soft grunt, saying sarcastically, "Five whole hours. Do you think we might actually make it to the bed?"
He'd chosen his words carefully. They had been meant to hurt her. And they had served their purpose; causing an ever so slight pain in her heart. But she was good at pretending not to care about his sarcastic attitude towards her. It had been so long since they'd been able to share any real time together.
Their last meeting had been much shorter, in a food storage closet located in the inn where they had stayed for Sango and Miroku's wedding. He'd followed her there to spend less than a quarter-hour together on the cold floor; for frantic thrusting and quick fireworks.
Before she could reply to his insults, however, he was already heading to the other side of the room. And Kagome was left alone to leave her wet kimono to dry near the small fire that he'd built for himself. Wiping the mascara from under her midnight blue eyes, she followed him and stood at the edge of the futon where he sat. She looked beautiful even in the straight silk undergarment she had worn under her elegant kimono; the very picture of propriety.
"I've missed you, Inuyasha," her voice was smooth. And she stepped closer to him, putting her hands on his shoulders to push him backwards into his unmade bed.
"When?" the sound of his voice was enough to make her freeze. "In bed at night after he's rolled off of you?"
"Inuyasha," she shivered, letting her body slide onto the bed next to him. "Must you be so crude?"
He wouldn't let their eyes meet when he whispered, "I'd just like to know when it is that you think of me, is all. It would please me to know that it's not while you can still feel him inside of you."
"Would you begrudge me that?" her voice was soft. She sounded hurt. "A pleasurable though after a passionless act?"
"It was your decision."
Kagome let a lone tear fall down her cheek. "No, Inuyasha. And you should know that. This isn't what I wanted."
Silence filled the room, broken only by the crackling of the fire, as they each took in what the other had said. Kagome closed her eyes and let out a small gasp as she felt Inuyasha forcefully pull her body into his arms.
"I want you, Kagome," he whispered violently. "That's all I know for sure."
His mouth crushed hers before she was able to speak. The force of the kiss caused her to whimper. But as she moved her lips against his, it didn't matter so much anymore; he was only being so rough because he'd missed her. It was one of the unspoken ways that he showed he cared. Inuyasha had never been good with emotions; he'd never been good at expressing himself with words and Kagome had grown enough to understand that his actions were a far better measure of his feelings than his words were anyway.
Before she had even adjusted to the force of his kiss, his hands were at work with her clothes. Trying frantically to remove them. Kagome pulled out of his kiss just long enough to manage, "Don't tear anything, Inuyasha. He bought this for me."
"No thoughts of him," Inuyasha ordered, using more caution as he carefully untied the supplementary silk ties and garments that she had worn under her kimono. The garments were surprisingly warm for having been hidden under a wet garment. "Right now, it's just me, Kagome."
"Just you," she breathed into his neck, finding the tender spot just below his jawbone. It was delicious torture; curling her arms around his upper back, letting her fingers lace themselves in his soft silver hair.
And Kagome thought about how she felt in his arms as Inuyasha began to untie his own garments. In his mind, Kagome was like a treasure stolen from an owner who didn't appreciate her. Only he knew that his possession didn't bother her, or if it did, she chose to forgive his tenure.
He took her. The most powerful woman in the world wanted nothing more than to be held by this man, allowing him his every pleasure with her body.
And pleasure, yes, this pleasure was wonderful. She might have given up on sex entirely after what occurred on her wedding night had it not been for Inuyasha finding his way back into her life. She hadn't known it could feel this way.
She certainly wouldn't have been able to realize that from her experience with her lord of a mate. He was kind to her, with good intentions, but there was just something missing; something like the passion that she shared with Inuyasha.
Perhaps it was because her mate, as well, loved another that there always seemed to be something missing between them. Maybe it was because Inuyasha's love was something incomparable to anything else that she'd experienced in the whole world.
But for whatever the reason, Kagome and her mate had grown accustomed to the twice weekly routine that had become more like a chore. It was always the same number of thrusts, the same lack of passion between them. And always, the parting kiss and separate baths to wash away the evidence of their union.
With Inuyasha, she never bathed afterward; she didn't want to wash away his scent, his possession. She never really even wanted to move. It would have been everything to her could they just remain pressed together until they were so united that nothing could ever tear them apart.
He had allowed her to explore his body as well as his own. With Inuyasha, nothing was shameful, nothing was forbidden … save the fact that she was mated to another man and it wasn't him.
He trembled as he felt his release into her. And her raven-colored hair spilled across his chest; she was listening to the dull lullaby of his heart beating in rhythm with her own. He was warm, soft. His hands made their way around her waist instinctively; like they belonged there.
"You've lost weight," Inuyasha whispered after a while, running his clawed fingers through her soft hair. He was showing his honest and genuine concern for the first time since her arrival.
"It's alright," she whispered. "I'll gain it again soon enough."
"You've got to take care of yourself."
She smiled at him weakly, knowing that it wasn't just the sex that brought them together. It was deeper. She sighed, "Sadly, the responsibility of my heath lies in the hands of the servants my mate hires to care for me."
"Well, then," he paused, realizing that there was an unmistakable hint of bitterness that had wandered into his voice. He banished it quickly, kissing the top of her head. "Perhaps your mate should care for your health himself."
"His abandonment is nothing out of the ordinary, Inuyasha," she whispered and buried her face deeper into the crook of his neck. "I'm really all right. I guess I've grown used to the indifference by now."
"You looking this pale is far from any form of normalcy I've ever known," his voice was rough but kind. "Tell me what's wrong, Kagome. It isn't like you to leave your care in the hands of anyone but yourself."
Kagome found his shoulder with her lips, kissing him twice as tenderly as she'd ever managed. Her heart was beating faster in her chest, but the warmth of his bare form against her own brought a comfort that she had grown quite fond of. She breathed him in; smelling what remained of their passion.
Sitting up, Kagome gladly let the worn covers fall off of her graceful figure. Looking down at Inuyasha, she whispered, "I'm pregnant. And I have no idea if it's yours or his; but, frankly, I don't care. In my heart I know that you're the father."
He let his head fall back on the pillows as he studied the ceiling. The beams were exposed; he had never taken the time to actually complete that aspect of his home. He figured that it wouldn't need to be done because exposed ceiling beams weren't hurting anything.
Nothing was said for a moment while Inuyasha let the news run through his mind. He would have attempted anything to be able to forget ever having heard her say those words. Somewhere inside of him, though, was a part that wanted to smile. He resisted the urge, instead deciding to sigh and sit up and stare into her mysteriously alluring blue eyes.
"You still love me, even after all these years." It hadn't been a question but a statement.
"I always will," her voice trailed off.
"So, you're happy, then?"
"You know I am, Inuyasha."
"And he'll adore you; the world will love you even more," he said bitterly, imagining the reaction her mate would have when he heard the news. "You'll be an inspiration to all mothers; a saint and her holy child."
Kagome looked down at her hands. Perhaps she was shamed. Or maybe disappointed by his reaction to the news. Either way, her shoulders shook just slightly, "He'll love the child, no doubt."
"And why would you think that any of this would interest me?"
"I just thought that – you should know first," she whispered, crossing her arms over her bare chest. "I haven't told him yet."
"But you'll tell him tonight, while you're lying in bed together, when you know that you should still be here, in my bed." His voice was hard and he stiffened, staring at the woman in front of him. "You'll tell him that he's immortalized himself inside of you. My congratulations, Kagome. You've done what you promised you would; you've produced him the heir he's always dreamed of."
Kagome slapped him hard across the face, then. It had been hard enough to leave a mark; a red trail of her fingerprints across his cheek. By the time he recovered from the shock of being slapped, his eyes clouded over. He grabbed her wrists, pushing her against the bed and pinning her to it with his knees.
"Inuyasha," her eyes pleaded with him; begged him not to hurt her child. But there was a stubbornness to her voice that she was not able to hide. Kagome knew that he wasn't going to hurt her. "Punish me all you like; but this was your choice."
He loomed over the fallen angel menacingly, letting his eyes show how lost he was now; how he might never be found. But he managed, "No. Not any more than marrying him was your choice."
"Did you not choose to run away with her? It was six years that you were gone. I heard nothing from you, Inuyasha. What did you honestly think I would expect? That you were coming back for me?"
Inuyasha stared down at her, remembering that he had made the decision to run away with Kikyou. He had thought it would all work, he had thought that they would be happy. Inuyasha had never expected her to leave him. He hadn't thought, even for a moment, that his feelings were not returned by the woman he'd promised to love forever.
In reality, he was no better than her mate; the man she'd married in his own absence to fill the void that he, himself, had created in her heart. Inuyasha let his forehead fall into the crook of her neck and he let his hold on her wrists loosen. "I had to."
"And this is what I have to do, Inuyasha," she whispered, pushing at his cheek with hers to allow herself to see his face. "I'll have this child. And to everyone in the world, it will be his; and I will belong to him even more."
Inuyasha let out a disgusted grunt.
"But in here," she took his hand with hers and held it gently, placing them both over her heart. "I'll always know the truth."
There was silence again, as he entered her, making gentle love to the woman who held his heart. And Kagome lavished in his bed for as long as possible.
But as the gentle sound of rain gradually began to fade, and the cloudy light sliding through the shades on the window began to vanish, she pulled herself from his arms. He was sleeping, head resting on one strong arm. She watched him as she dressed, hoping it wouldn't break him inside when she told him how long they would be apart.
She was heading for the door when he whispered, "When will you be back?"
Frozen with the door opened enough to expose one inch of the world outside to her, Kagome lied, "He is leaving for three days near the beginning of the new moon. He mentioned something about a tour of the Southern Lands; a visit to Lord Kouga."
She heard him stir from the bed but didn't turn to look at him, "One day, Kagome. You will be mine every night."
"Yes, Inuyasha," she whispered sympathetically, because he needed to believe that.
She heard the bedroom door slide open from where she was sitting with her back towards the room's newest occupant. Kagome was sitting on a silk pillow brought to the room just for her. Without looking up from the book she was reading, Kagome closed her eyes for a moment and tried her best to put on a smile as her mate closed the door behind him.
"I'm home, Kagome."
She turned around finally with her painted on smile, "How was your day?"
"Long and boring," he whispered sitting down on the desk where she was working. He was beginning to remove his elaborate and ornate kimono when he put his sword in its place, resting against the doorway, for the evening. "How was your day?"
"About the same," she tried to sound sincere. "Are you hungry, Sesshoumaru-sama? I'm not. But I'll have a servant bring something, if you'd like."
"No, it's alright. I've already eaten," he said, walking to where she was seated and lowering himself behind her. She could feel his arms wrap around her waist and pull her body against his own.
"With Naraku-sama?" there was no bitterness, no remorse in her voice as she said the name of her mate's lover.
"Umm … no," he whispered, freezing for a moment and becoming tense enough that Kagome could notice the change in him. "I was alone."
It was a lie; something they both knew. But Kagome let it go. She had had her lover that day and thought it was only fair to allow him his. Closing up the book she had been reading, Kagome turned around and planted a delicate kiss on her mate's forehead, "I'd better get to bed. Morning seems to be coming quicker and quicker these days."
She had stood up in the meantime and was making her way over to the cabinet where her clothing was stored when he stopped her with his words, "You're pregnant, aren't you?"
Kagome flinched. But Sesshoumaru only smiled. He really was a handsome demon; and so kind to her. Was she cruel for not loving him? For keeping her lover a secret from him while she knew of his?
"How did you-"
He cut her off. "Apparently a few of the servants are quite excited about the idea. They could hardly keep it to themselves while serving breakfast this morning; I just happened to overhear."
Kagome felt herself relax, but not visibly. She let her voice sound of disappointment and regret, "I was waiting for the right moment to tell you."
"Does it make you happy, Kagome?"
"How could it not?" she whispered. She flashed him one of her world famous smiles as she exclaimed, "We're going to have a baby!"
"We are," he said matter-of-factly. He stood up from the place where he was sitting and walked over to her, pulling her body close to his. "I'm going to do better, Kagome. I promise."
"I know," she nodded, her eyes shimmering with scalding tears. "Sesshoumaru-sama, won't you be mine tonight?"
It was an empty request; something she felt it was necessary to ask. She knew what she really wanted; she could still feel what she really wanted. She could even smell him; still, how Sesshoumaru did not was a mystery to her. Perhaps he just chose not to say anything. But in her heart she knew that her mate deserved this last chance to show his love for her and the baby both. It was the only form of apology that she knew.
"Of course," he answered, guilt sounding in his voice.
Kagome hadn't meant to make him feel bad about being with his lover that day. But this was a chance for both of them to try harder; it would be cruel to deny him the opportunity of a second chance to be her mate; the opportunity to be father of her child.
She struggled for a minute before coating her voice with sincerity. She trailed off, "Just let me take a quick bath first."
Convince me if I am to continue.