A/N: I'm SO SORRY. I know I've promised that I would try to write happier stories … But I have this list with songs I want to write about … and the one on top of the list was the song "Drinkin' again" …

FanFic 100 Challenge #:: 049 – Club

If anyone knew

If anyone knew what she was doing …

What would her students or her colleagues think if they saw her like that?

This woman sitting in the little muggle pub in Dublin was no longer the strong and determined teacher everyone in the wizarding world knew.

She was a wreck and everyone who noticed her could see that.

Some men thought that they could take advantage of her condition, but she just ignored them.

Minerva McGonagall was thinking about what had happened in the last weeks although she hated to be reminded of all that she had lost.

How could she ever forget?

Drinkin' again.
Thinking of when you loved me.
Having a few.
Wishing that you were here

If anyone knew what she was feeling …

She ordered another drink, but still the memories of this fateful night kept coming back to her. The moment he'd told her that he had to leave, the moment she'd felt a shiver running down her back, the moment she'd found out why she had suddenly felt so cold, the moment Hagrid had carried him to his final resting place, the moment she'd collapsed in her room …

It was so unfair. How could anyone miss another person so terribly? How could happiness end so abruptly? Why was she always the one who ended up alone?

First her parents had died and she'd been raised in an orphanage until Professor Dumbledore had told her that she was a witch and she'd come to Hogwarts. (A/N: I know that it reminds you of Tom Riddle, but I just thought that it made him less special when he wasn't the only one Albus visited to tell him about what he was …)

And now she'd lost Albus.

She still couldn't believe that he was forever gone.

In her dreams and even in reality (when his portrait was talking to her), she could hear his voice every night and day. So how could he be dead?

Why hadn't they sooner realized how much they'd meant to each other? Why had they waited until a few years ago to admit their feelings to each other? Why hadn't she just told him after her graduation how madly she'd been in love with him ever since her first private Animagus lesson?

Although the rational part of her brain told her that all these questions wouldn't bring him back to her, she couldn't help herself but wonder what could have been different.

Everything was just too much at the moment. She'd lost the love of her life, she'd become Headmistress and Voldemort was still becoming stronger. How could she be of any help when she couldn't think of anything else but Albus?

"Oh, Albus, if you were here … you would know what to do …"

But how should she know?

Making the rounds.
Buying a round for total strangers.
Just being a fool,
'cause I keep hoping, hoping, hoping you'll appear.

If anyone knew what she wanted to do …

Maybe she could find a spell somewhere that could bring him back … or she could use a time turner to travel back in time and save his life. It was forbidden, but she wouldn't care.

The only problem was that she knew that Albus wouldn't want her to do such a stupid thing. He'd tell her that he was sorry that he'd had to leave her behind, but that it was okay and that he was very excited to start this next great adventure.

Oh, how childish he could be … How childish he'd been … He'd never again be anything …

How could she go on without him?

Sure I can borrow a smoke.
I can sit here all night and tell these jokers some jokes,
but who wants to laugh, who's gonna laugh at a broken heart?
Oh, my heart is aching, I swear it's breaking.

If anyone knew how much she wanted to run away from her life …

She'd never smoked before, but she didn't care that it wasn't healthy. What could happen to her? She could die earlier … So why not smoke?

It also helped her to forget for a few minutes how strong and restrained she'd always been. She'd never allowed herself such weakness. But she was no longer the person she'd been. A big part of her had died that night.

She suddenly laughed in a drunken demeanour so that everyone was looking at her. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny that Minerva McGonagall had feelings at all.

A lonely tear escaped her eye.

She took a deep breath and could hear her heart beating louder.

How could it still be beating?

And I'm drinking again.
Thinking of when you loved me.
And I'm tryin' to get home
with nothing, nothing but a memory.

If anyone knew that she was feeling like she'd lost everything …

She closed her eyes and tried to remember his eyes. But even in her memories Albus' eyes seemed to have lost their sparkle. He was dead and so was everything that she'd loved. There was so much he'd given her. First he'd given her a home, then he'd become her mentor and friend and after many years he'd even become her lover. They'd even thought about getting married as soon as Voldemort would be defeated.

How could she return to Hogwarts when she no longer felt as if it was her home?

Yes, I'm dying to get home,
dying to get home.
And I got nothin' but a bottle of beer,
and just my memory.

In the last days, she'd spent hours watching her own memories in his Pensieve in his office. Although it was now officially her office, she'd never be able to forget that it was wrong that it was no longer his.

She'd seen him smiling at her just before he'd put the Sorting Hat on her head, she'd seen him clapping his hands when she'd graduated with the best marks Hogwarts had seen since his own graduation, she'd watched him offering her a lemon drop just after offering her the position as Transfiguration Professor, she'd remembered their first kiss … and their last …

"Oh, how I am missing you, Albus. If anyone knew what I am feeling, that I'm still talking to you, … they would think that I am weak."

"If anyone knew they would realize that you are human, my dear …"