Hey guys, I wrote this fic about a year ago and I've just re-read it recently to realize that my dialogue, punctuation, spelling, grammar and sentence structure needs a lot of work. It's still a good story that I love, but I'm going to go over it during the summer to try and correct my mistakes. Happy reading!

Dark stone walls caressed the entrance way to the dungeons of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Nothing stirred, nothing breathed for fear of provoking the dark and solitary wizard that inhabited the lone and miserable classroom, deep within the darkest tunnels of the magical school.

Suddenly, a howl of rage swept through the corridors, echoing off the walls as the dark wizard through the experimental potion at the wall in a towering temper. Once again, his potion was not successful and he stared down with deep, almost lifeless eyes at a newly deceased, brown haired rat.

Severus Snape, potions master as well as death eater turned spy, promptly picked up the limp and very dead brown rat. He had been so hopeful it would make it through his final attempt at a potion made especially for a cynical and sadistic bastard.

He flicked his wand carelessly with one swift motion of his wrist and the broken pieces of glass vanished. Normally he would never attempt such a critical and, for lack of a better word, evil potion in his classroom but his private libratory was being cleaned by the house-eves. Severus was in no way pleased that his private chambers were being seen, let alone touched. However, a discreetly veiled threat from the headmaster had him relenting and stalking into his classroom. He was presently crouching on one of his own desks in his classroom where he loathed even the thought of touching a desk that one of his students may have come into contact with.

Severus let out a small sigh and put the small deceased animal into a box tiny enough for its body, he then flicked his wand and the box disappeared. Never would he have thought he would be putting a small animal in a box instead of chucking it outside.

No doubt where it belongs. His mind responded as a small sneer graced his features. He quickly found the sneer disappearing from his face; it was no longer a great pleasure for him to hold his facial expressions in one of disgust or contempt. He was tired. Tired of sneering, tired of glaring, tired at hating the world, and yet, he found himself bound to his stiff demeanour and harsh words. His sharp tongue ready for any verbal sparring. Oh yes, Severus quite enjoyed his capability of intimidation, his glare so fierce a basilisk would scurry away pitifully to find shelter. He enjoyed solitude and yet, still, he wished on the odd occasion that he wasn't alone. He hoped that somehow, somewhere he would find someone in which he could talk to and not retaliate to his sarcastic and dry humour.

He cursed himself mentally for his weakness and quickly schooled his face of any trace of self-pity. He would not be weak and he would be the snarky, slithering bastard his students and staff members came to know and definitely not love.

Love. That stupid, silly word. That word had caused more grief and bitterness in his life than any man would know. Severus' lip curled in disgust as he mouthed the word. He sat down shakily on a chair next to an old desk near the back of his classroom. He ran his long pale fingers over the carved wood of the dark desk in front of him… The farthest desk away from the front of the class, why did that cause a commotion in his head? He racked his brains trying to resurface a lost memory. He traced designs with his fingers over the smooth surface until he came upon a disturbance in the carved piece of furniture. His fingernails scraped lightly over the crack. He moved his hand slightly to uncover a name.

A name was scratched into the surface of the desk. Who would dare right on one of my desks? He seethed, furious at the dunderhead who had purposely written, no, scratched his or her name on a piece of his property. His head quickly darted towards the desk, his coal black hair swinging in front of his face like a dark curtain. He squinted at the spiked letters carved into the surface. Slowly he moved his hand inch by inch over the letters as they each presented themselves before his eyes. S…E...V, his eyes continued following the letters. A sluggish memory started to resurface, but before he could remember, his hand had finished its trail down the letters. E…R…U…S.


Severus was completely dumbfounded to realize that it was his own name carved into the wood with the same spiky letters he used to grade students papers every day. While he stubbornly refused to believe he would be foolish enough to write on a desk, he forgot about the trail of his hand as it continued down the path of the name, revealing more letters and symbols. His eyes snapped back to the desk and he realized with a jolt the next name beside it was written in an entirely different scrawl. It curved lightly and elegantly into spirals descending to complement other letters. A…N...D, by know Severus was getting impatient and, instead of continuing the revelation of each letter, ripped his hand of the desk to reveal the next name.

However ready he had thought he was for this revelation, it quickly came crashing down as he stared at the beautifully written name.


Severus wasn't sure how much one name could hurt. That one memory finally leaked in front of his eyes.


He saw himself as a teenager holding a beautiful young red haired Lily Evans. She was giggling at something he had whispered in her ear. They were holding hands under the table so as not to catch the attention of one Professor Slughorn. Severus discreetly grabbed his wand out of his uniform sleeve and muttered very quietly under his breath at the desk in front of him. He saw his younger self smile slowly at the name being carved into the desk.

Lily smiled up at him from her position at his shoulder, brought her wand up alongside his, and muttered the same incantation. In beautifully scrawled letters, the word 'and' was added next to his name and soon followed by her own. He blushed deeply and she giggled, covering her face in his robes, muffling the sound from her classmates.

She reached up gently and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. 'I love you…' she had whispered into his ear. It was perfect, everything was perfect. It didn't matter that his home life was shit, that his father beat him and his mother could no longer protect him. It didn't matter that he didn't have any friends or that the only ones who claimed to be were using him.

All that mattered, in that instant, was that Lily was here in his arms, she loved him back after all the years he secretly hoped she would. She was his and nothing could change that. Except Potter. A paper ball was thrown across the room and hit Severus square on the nose. He rubbed it angrily and tried to retaliate, but Lily grasped his arm firmly pulled him back to his chair.

"Don't worry about him; he'll get what's coming to him," she whispered hurriedly into his ear before he could resist any further. He looked into her bright green eyes and decided he would not retaliate if only for her. He watched in amusement as she glared daggers at a flustered looking Sirius Black and a snickering James Potter.

"So immature," she sighed, shaking her head. The bell rang and they left the classroom together holding hands.

They entered the hall and walked to their next class before his shoulders went rigid and he started to fall face first. Lily quickly grabbed him, realizing he'd been hexed, a muffled squeak escaping her lips before she lowered him slowly to the floor, his weight to much for her to hold. She whipped her head around and snarled quite viciously for a girl. Potter and Black both had their wands pointed where he had been only moments ago. Lily screeched angrily, lifted her wand and advanced on both boys so fast they barely saw a flash of red hair before her wand came back into view pointing in between Potters eyes.

"Which one of you did it? Or was it both of you?" She hissed quietly.

"But, but Lily!" Potter started piteously, "He's a loser, why do you hang around him! A smashed nose is so much more then he deserves!"

"How would you like to be seeing out of your arse, James? I can arrange that quickly enough. Now, which one of you did it?"

By this time, the hex had worn off and Severus could move fully once again. He quickly clambered to his feet and watched with rapped attention as Lily threatened Potter, and what a beautiful sight it was.

Both boys paled considerably and stared at her wide-eyed.

"Lily! You wouldn't! We're in your house!"

"Yeah!" Sirius added stupidly.

"I don't care about houses! You just hexed my boyfriend!" Her voice rose a little higher as she continued.

Severus was quite smug at this point; he quickly walked over to Lily and wrapped an arm over her shoulders possessively from behind and pulled her away from the boys.

"Come on Lily, I don't want you to get in trouble," he mumbled hurriedly in her ear. She was still glaring at the two boys when the rest of their crew showed up. Pettigrew and Lupin walked up to their side and paled considerably when they noticed Lily's read face and glare.

Severus guided her slowly towards the other side of the corridor and pushed her along so as not to be late for their next class.


So immersed in his memories, Severus hadn't realized the door had opened after three unanswered knocks. The Headmaster Dumbledore opened the door cautiously, peering inside, seeking his favoured staff member. He loved Severus dearly like a son, even if the man never returned the kind gestures or reassuring words he was so fond giving. He looked around the dark classroom and noticed the bubbling cauldron at the front of the class along with a small teaspoon.

He also noted with slight anxiety that his newest lab rat had disappeared. Another failed experiment then, he mused. His clear blue eyes swept the classroom, still in search of Severus before his eyes caught sight of a dark, huddled figure near the back of the classroom. As soon as his eyes rested on the man, the headmaster grew very worried.

He ran through various potions accidents that could have occurred as he swept quickly towards the normally poised and stoic man. Albus stopped short of reaching out and grabbing the man's shoulder, for he noticed that they shook. Instead of initiating contact with the younger man, he quickly walked around the desk to where Severus' face was hidden by the curtain of black hair that framed his normally blank or indifferent expression. Albus kneeled down on to the cold, hard tiled floor and looked up into the man's face.

Something was definitely wrong, Albus thought, before he tilted his head and looked into his eyes, a never ending pool of blackness, not seeing, glazed over. His eyes stared ahead as if he were momentarily paralyzed. Albus stared at his face and then whispered softly, "Severus?"

A single tear slowly ran down the length of the younger man's face. It held all the remorse, pain, grief and loss Albus was sure entangled the man's heart every day. The corner of the Headmasters mouth twitched slightly and he drew his hand up to brush the tear from his face. As soon as his fingers made contact with the man's skin, Severus snapped back to reality and flinched away as if burnt by the contact.

"Don't touch me!" he hissed sharply. He calmed his breathing and looked down to see Albus still on the floor.

"Uh." Once he realized it was Albus, he felt a little silly for his reaction. "Forgive me, Headmaster, I didn't realize you were here," he snarled, quickly regaining his composer.

"My dear boy, how many times have I asked you to call me Albus?"

"My dearest apologies, Albus." He replied sarcastically, raising one dark eyebrow when the older man looked at him quizzically.

"Indeed." The Headmaster rumbled good naturedly. Then he sighed and stood up to his full height.

Severus suddenly felt self conscious and embarrassed. He cursed his weakness and all memories of his past.

As if reading his expression the headmaster placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"It's better not to forget, Severus; you might need to call upon such memories in the future."

"Of course, Albus," he replied dully. There was no escaping the insufferable man; did he have to pop in at unexpected moments? Severus suddenly felt extremely tired; he could almost feel the skin dragging down below his eyes and a yawn starting in the base of his throat.

"Goodnight, Headmaster," he said respectfully, although disdainfully, and headed towards his private chambers with a last billowing of his black robes.

Albus sighed quietly and murmured a small "goodnight," in return. He flicked his wand tiredly and walked out of the classroom. He only hoped Severus would receive the letter he had just sent when he awoke.

Hey guys! So there's my first chapter, hope you enjoyed it. Please review :)